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Old 11-13-2011, 08:20 PM
 
254 posts, read 427,306 times
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It sounds like you need a bit more time to get used to the idea of a house. It's a big commitment and in today's housing market, it may not be to easy to sell if you decide it is not for you. The pit in your stomach is a sign that possibly you are rushing into something you are not quite ready for at this time? It sounds like you've done a lot of looking, but it is your realtor's job to find something that you are comfortable with, not something that is causing you so much stress, so I don't think you should feel guilty (I'm not sure if you are) about continuing to look for something that feels right for you and your family. Maybe taking the kids to see the house would be useful?

Best wishes.
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Old 11-13-2011, 08:34 PM
 
16,018 posts, read 19,502,071 times
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Is it that you don't like the house? Or is it that you don't want the "married " feeling w/out the marriage? If you really don't want the house, then don't buy it. Wait for the one that you can't wait to move into. Maybe you need something less time committed, like a condo, or a lease on a nice apartment, rather than a yard to mow, and all the upkeep that owning a home requires. Don't let the guilt lead you to the wrong choice for you. You have to enjoy your home. Do you have any single father friends, maybe to talk with? You are fortunate to be able to afford a home, you probibly just haven't found the home just right for you yet. Take your time, your son would probibly enjoy sleeping on a pull out sofa when he visits. Give yourself permission to take the time you need.
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:12 AM
 
701 posts, read 1,523,692 times
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So let me see if I have this straight.

You are scheduled to close on a new home not far from where your ex-wife and kids live and are not sure if this is the right move.

It could be just the normal jitters you always get before a move.

Or it could be your instincts telling you that while it might be a good deal for the kids, it might not be such a good deal for you.

Aside from your son and daughter each having their own room, being closer might mean they could/would drop over, hang out more often. Your place of residence would be more like a home and less like a hotel.

On the other hand, being that close but still alone most of the time might be a heartbreaker for you. Plus there's all the time and expense of home maintenance.

That you haven't talked this over with your kids yet keeps running through my mind. Is that to keep from disappointing them if you decide not to go through with it?

I seem to recall some mention of a townhouse/condo being more expensive on a monthly basis than a house. I wonder if you found a good deal on a townhouse, if that might be a better option for you. Perhaps the HOA fees combined with a lower mortgage would keep you in your price range. Landscaping and exterior maintenance and repairs on a home are not cheap and if the townhouse came with a pool or other recreational facilities your kids would enjoy, it could be just the ticket.

Keeping a good thought for you.
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Old 11-14-2011, 11:44 AM
 
Location: Asheville
1,162 posts, read 3,677,568 times
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I think the combination of recent events has confused you. First, you were wowed by the house, so I think you actually liked it a lot when you went in it the first time, that's a good thing. Second, you are still a father, one of whom is 12 years old, and I remember when I was that age, it was a long and pleasant year, a LONG ways from thoughts of high school and adolescence. So, you are still raising kids, this is WHO you are more than anything else, they need you to feel secure, and so a house makes sense for this. Third, when a half-dozen years go by and your youngest is 18 years old and hopefully will go away to college, THEN you can move again, make a killing on the house, and buy a great in-town place OR even move to another part of the state or region that is more fun and that you enjoy in a resort sort of way.

This is assuming you are about to buy a really great house that you said wowed you in the beginning. I think you are still caught between two worlds, the world of a girlfriend and her place, then a rental as a place to land until you could figure out what to do, and now the world of being a total father and suburbia and all that that used to be. Except you're alone in suburbia. So, I would suggest you quit looking inward so much and, when the kids are not around, take up some sort of hobby or activity to pass the time.

On the other hand, if there is something in my summary that is off, then focus on that as being what is wrong, and if it has to do with THAT house, then you can pull out. But before you pull out, you have to decide the big question.... WHAT'S NEXT? Is it a house you like more, or giving up your custody rights, or rent for the rest of your life, or wait and buy when you're less confused over recent life changes? Just what is it you WANT? Life is filled with compromise, everywhere you turn you have to make a decision, and the ones that are hardest are the ones where no choice is good but you take the lesser of two evils. Or, if you're bright enough and strong enough, you invent a new choice that resolves the whole thing perfectly.

Go on over to that house again, ask the realtor to let you in, imagine you and sometimes your children being in there watching TV and eating a meal and going in the yard, and imagine you by yourself in your kingdom and what shall you do on a Friday night? Should you go buy a new amazing piece of furniture or rug or artwork can you put in your home that will make it sing, or maybe you will turn that nook into an art place where you get some paints, brushes, canvases, and go to art class, or could be you'll get into swing dancing and go ahead and make that bedroom and house a semi-bachelor pad, or figure out how to keep a cat or a dog at your home (as long as you've had practice). You see, it's not so much THE house right now, unless it really makes you throw up like you say it does, rather it's YOU and what you make of your life and that sort of thing.

I've almost bought a house or two that was all wrong, but never lived in one. I am so glad I didn't go forward with those. But all my other houses have been nearly perfect choices. There's even been some houses I wanted so bad but couldn't get, and to this day I still daydream about them. You either love it or you don't. If it's really the house that is wrong, then yes, forget all the preaching you're getting and get out of it. You'll find one later that suits you much better, and when the timing is a little better, and when you are feeling hopeful instead of feeling sick to your stomach. Keep us in the loop.
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Old 11-14-2011, 05:27 PM
 
16 posts, read 16,173 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by MountainK View Post
It sounds like you need a bit more time to get used to the idea of a house. It's a big commitment and in today's housing market, it may not be to easy to sell if you decide it is not for you. The pit in your stomach is a sign that possibly you are rushing into something you are not quite ready for at this time? It sounds like you've done a lot of looking, but it is your realtor's job to find something that you are comfortable with, not something that is causing you so much stress, so I don't think you should feel guilty (I'm not sure if you are) about continuing to look for something that feels right for you and your family. Maybe taking the kids to see the house would be useful?

Best wishes.
thanks mountainK. i definitely acted too quickly. saw the house (with my parents)...they were excited, so was i. house is brand new, so everything is clean, shiny, perfect. it's in a new subdivision.

i haven't taken the kids to see the house, or even told them about it...because i knew there was a possibility i wouldn't close. and i've taken them around to other houses several months ago. just don't want to get their hopes up.
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Old 11-14-2011, 05:36 PM
 
16 posts, read 16,173 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Is it that you don't like the house? Or is it that you don't want the "married " feeling w/out the marriage?
this...that is, the second thing

that's part of it. it feels like a married person's house, with the double sinks and garden tub et al.

Quote:
If you really don't want the house, then don't buy it. Wait for the one that you can't wait to move into. Maybe you need something less time committed, like a condo, or a lease on a nice apartment, rather than a yard to mow, and all the upkeep that owning a home requires. Don't let the guilt lead you to the wrong choice for you. You have to enjoy your home.
i could possibly be sued. they'll take my earnest money and no telling what else...it may cost me a few thousand dollars.

Quote:
Do you have any single father friends, maybe to talk with? You are fortunate to be able to afford a home, you probibly just haven't found the home just right for you yet. Take your time, your son would probibly enjoy sleeping on a pull out sofa when he visits. Give yourself permission to take the time you need.
thanks.
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Old 11-14-2011, 05:43 PM
 
16 posts, read 16,173 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatRoy1 View Post
So let me see if I have this straight.

You are scheduled to close on a new home not far from where your ex-wife and kids live and are not sure if this is the right move.

It could be just the normal jitters you always get before a move.

Or it could be your instincts telling you that while it might be a good deal for the kids, it might not be such a good deal for you.
most everything i read on making these big decisions is to trust your gut instinct...

Quote:
Aside from your son and daughter each having their own room, being closer might mean they could/would drop over, hang out more often. Your place of residence would be more like a home and less like a hotel.

On the other hand, being that close but still alone most of the time might be a heartbreaker for you. Plus there's all the time and expense of home maintenance.

That you haven't talked this over with your kids yet keeps running through my mind. Is that to keep from disappointing them if you decide not to go through with it?
my agent has seen some red flags...that i haven't mentioned to the kids, that i didn't even go to the house for a week or so after signing the contract, and of course, she knows my reservations.

Quote:
I seem to recall some mention of a townhouse/condo being more expensive on a monthly basis than a house. I wonder if you found a good deal on a townhouse, if that might be a better option for you. Perhaps the HOA fees combined with a lower mortgage would keep you in your price range. Landscaping and exterior maintenance and repairs on a home are not cheap and if the townhouse came with a pool or other recreational facilities your kids would enjoy, it could be just the ticket.

Keeping a good thought for you.
good ideas...thanks.
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Old 11-14-2011, 05:57 PM
 
16 posts, read 16,173 times
Reputation: 15
gigimac, thanks.

you've nailed a good bit of it i think. i am indeed confused, definitely depressed, and honestly my judgment is clouded. i'm not sure i even KNOW what i want.

i don't think the main thing is THIS house, although i do feel like it's a little more than i intended to spend in the beginning. mostly it's the idea of committing to my own house, and all that means...
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Old 11-14-2011, 11:28 PM
 
18,856 posts, read 31,535,279 times
Reputation: 26096
I once bought a house for a very stupid reason, thinking it would make me more stable, and less impulsive. Instead, it felt like a chain, choking my life, and freedom.

I am much happier as a renter. Rent a house if you want. No one says you have to live in an apartment or buy a house, those are not the only choices in the world.
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Old 11-15-2011, 06:52 PM
 
1,545 posts, read 557,042 times
Reputation: 3289
Default Tomorrow is the 18th, please let us know what you decided!

Hi - Now we are all curious as to what you decided to do. Please let us all know!
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