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Old 04-14-2012, 01:49 PM
 
5,619 posts, read 2,352,360 times
Reputation: 8961
Quote:
Originally Posted by vindikator View Post
My mother collects Social Security, my brother (30) works but does not pay anything, my sister (31) is not working and says she wont. None of them are disabled - this is what frustrates me the most.

I straight up said "I'm leaving"...but no one believes me. I am looking into a food assistance program for my mom. I have offered to pay some of their expenses - up to $1k a month, but that won't be enough.

Whats best for me is to not worry about this anymore and just leave. I would feel terrible if I just picked up and left...its more difficult when family is involved.
You're being used & you know it. You have to detach from the family & let the pieces fall where they may. These are adults; stop allowing them to manipulate you. Make your plans to go & do it.
Keep this phrase in mind:
Whatever happens, happens.
They'll have to face reality at that point
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Old 04-14-2012, 01:53 PM
 
55 posts, read 101,268 times
Reputation: 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
How old is your mother? Are you from a culture that expects the oldest son to be responsible for the rest of the family, or are you just a regular American man with 3 mooching relatives? If you are doing well, do your siblings have the same potential?
I need more info, but I agree with everyone else. Do not cripple your own potential for your family unless they are ill or otherwise unable to help themselves.
My mother is 64 years old. I totally want to support her, and will do my best to make sure that she is taken care of. I am half Canadian and half Greek. My Moms side is the Canadian. It seems to be that mooching is just the case...I don't mind my mother mooching, because shes my mother.

I like the idea of setting her up in a small apartment and getting her benefits...etc...This could work...but my sister wants to stay with her too..which could be a good thing, but she does not want to work in the city we live, and my mother does not want to leave the city....Its a mess...

I do have another sister who lives in California, who is self sufficient. She is advising that I just get up and leave...For years I've told them "we need a plan, we need to do something different"...no one is listening to me..

The biggest thing I think is the guilt I feel...Like I owe them something because I've been blessed with a good job and making money...

P.S.

I really appreciate you guys taking the time and giving me advice, I have never talked to anyone outside of my family about this.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:12 PM
 
Location: Far from where I'd like to be
24,238 posts, read 28,517,854 times
Reputation: 34916
Your brother and sister are capable of being self-sufficient. Make plans to get out on your own, while helping your mom. Make sure she has a decent place to live -- in a place where she wants to live, not where your sister wants to live -- before you go.

Family entanglements are sometimes hard to deal with. Good luck to you.
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Old 04-14-2012, 03:23 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
7,382 posts, read 12,995,145 times
Reputation: 8362
Tell them that after X date you will no longer support them.

Get your Mom moved into a small place where she wants to live. Make sure everyone understands you will support Mom and Mom only. Figure out how much money Mom needs for food and essentials and that's all you give her every month. Have all her bills sent to you and take care of them from your new city.

There is very little you can do to stop Mom from letting the moochers live with her and she may do it again. Just make sure you are only paying for Mom. Of course the best scenario would be for Mom to move with you and leave the others behind.

You have already done much more than most people would do. Your brother and sister need to grow up and face the world as adults.
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Old 04-14-2012, 03:24 PM
 
9 posts, read 8,368 times
Reputation: 16
Tough choice and I appreciate your honesty. This is a spiritual question imho. Just make sure you can live with yourself either way you choose. You might seek guidance from a clergy person or trusted advisor.
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Old 04-14-2012, 03:28 PM
 
Location: by my computer
40 posts, read 15,033 times
Reputation: 29
Get a new apartment with your mom and tell the brother and sister to pay their own way. If your mom needs the assist that is very different than supporting two people who can provide for their own needs.
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Old 04-14-2012, 03:42 PM
 
Location: ID
1,939 posts, read 996,386 times
Reputation: 2089
Quote:
Originally Posted by vindikator View Post
My mother is 64 years old. I totally want to support her, and will do my best to make sure that she is taken care of. I am half Canadian and half Greek. My Moms side is the Canadian. It seems to be that mooching is just the case...I don't mind my mother mooching, because shes my mother.

I like the idea of setting her up in a small apartment and getting her benefits...etc...This could work...but my sister wants to stay with her too..which could be a good thing, but she does not want to work in the city we live, and my mother does not want to leave the city....Its a mess...

I do have another sister who lives in California, who is self sufficient. She is advising that I just get up and leave...For years I've told them "we need a plan, we need to do something different"...no one is listening to me..

The biggest thing I think is the guilt I feel...Like I owe them something because I've been blessed with a good job and making money...

P.S.

I really appreciate you guys taking the time and giving me advice, I have never talked to anyone outside of my family about this.
You're family is a hot mess, I have a son exactly your age, and I feel awful for you and how this seems to be tearing you apart. You say that you don't mind your mother mooching off of you because she is your mother. I would suggest to you that you need to get your mother her small affordable apartment, get her squared away with whatever other services she needs to get by, and then leave her be. She is a grown woman and she does you a horrendous disservice by mooching and not allowing you to live your own life and fly the way young people are meant to fly.

Your brother and sister? Run away, don't walk, and don't look back. You are their meal ticket and they know it. They are healthy, yet don't work. You are healthy but do work. Think about it.

You should be working hard to build a life and happiness for yourself. Not having the life sucked out of you because the family you happen to be born into sees you as their meal ticket.

Get short term counseling. You sound like a good and decent kid, but you carry around far too much guilt (that has consciously been layed on you by people who are supposed to love you, just so the status quo can continue). Talking out your feelings and your concerns will help you to make sense of what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and how you can move forward with your life.

You deserve every opportunity and every happiness. Seek it out. Better yet - fight for it.
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Old 04-14-2012, 04:34 PM
 
Location: Cleveland Heights OH
13,187 posts, read 9,218,159 times
Reputation: 12236
Let me give a little different point of view. You think you are doing a good think by supporting your brother and sister. You are not. You are crippling them.

Both a friend and my nephew are in their 50's. Friend was supported by mom all her life and now cannot manage by herself. She hasn't a clue as to how to get a real job. She is used to part time fun jobs and cannot equate real work with supporting herself. She is living on bits of inheritance that will soon run out.

My nephew did work and take care of himself but decided about four years ago he was (once again) in major debt and so traveled across the country to live with mom and dad until he got back on his feet. After three years he got a very low paying job and continues to live with mom rent-free and is well taken care of by her.

The longer you wait to cut the cord with your brother and sister, the worse it will be for them as well as for you. As far as your mom not wanting to move with you, you need to put your foot down. Of course she doesn't want to move. Neither did my mom want to move 2500 miles across the country where her kids were and could look after her when she was in her 80's. But when we laid down the law, and when she realized there was no one left to help her where she was living she made the move and was very happy she did.

You are not doing a good thing being your siblings life-crutch. Get some counseling and see what a professional has to say. There is a problem here I think that with your kind heart, you are being an enabler and that will only hurt those who are dependent upon you in the long run.
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Old 04-14-2012, 07:17 PM
 
55 posts, read 101,268 times
Reputation: 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by juneaubound View Post
You're family is a hot mess, I have a son exactly your age, and I feel awful for you and how this seems to be tearing you apart. You say that you don't mind your mother mooching off of you because she is your mother. I would suggest to you that you need to get your mother her small affordable apartment, get her squared away with whatever other services she needs to get by, and then leave her be. She is a grown woman and she does you a horrendous disservice by mooching and not allowing you to live your own life and fly the way young people are meant to fly.

Your brother and sister? Run away, don't walk, and don't look back. You are their meal ticket and they know it. They are healthy, yet don't work. You are healthy but do work. Think about it.

You should be working hard to build a life and happiness for yourself. Not having the life sucked out of you because the family you happen to be born into sees you as their meal ticket.

Get short term counseling. You sound like a good and decent kid, but you carry around far too much guilt (that has consciously been layed on you by people who are supposed to love you, just so the status quo can continue). Talking out your feelings and your concerns will help you to make sense of what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and how you can move forward with your life.

You deserve every opportunity and every happiness. Seek it out. Better yet - fight for it.
Thank you for the advice, it is empowering me to not feel guilty about wanting to make the move. What type of counseling do you suggest?
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Old 04-14-2012, 07:49 PM
 
Location: ๏̯͡๏﴿ Gwinnett-That's a Civil Matter-County
2,117 posts, read 2,120,652 times
Reputation: 3385
Quote:
Originally Posted by vindikator View Post
The biggest thing I think is the guilt I feel...Like I owe them something because I've been blessed with a good job and making money...
If you want to look at it that way then feel like you owe it to them to help them. And you know that continuing to support them is not helping them. The best help you can give them now is to help them to help themselves.
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