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Old 04-14-2012, 07:57 PM
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 10,973,450 times
Reputation: 9459


You definitely need to move and get on with your life. Your siblings are shamelessly mooching off of you instead of getting jobs and becoming responsible adults. Your mom could probably manage on her own if she'd get a small place, perhaps an efficiency, and refused to enable your siblings. You have every right to a life of your own and you are not responsible for supporting able bodied people who don't intend to work.

You need to pick a date and tell them that on that day you will no longer be supporting them financially. I'd move far away and let them figure out how to survive without you. They'll try to guilt you into continuing to support them, but you have to stay strong and say no. Perhaps you could take your extra money and have it automatically withdrawn from your pay and put into a retirement account so no one can touch it and you'll be set up for the future. You owe it to yourself to break this cycle now. You're a good man, but these people are taking advantage of you.
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Old 04-14-2012, 08:19 PM
Location: WY
5,187 posts, read 3,727,492 times
Reputation: 5856
Originally Posted by vindikator View Post
Thank you for the advice, it is empowering me to not feel guilty about wanting to make the move. What type of counseling do you suggest?
Well...........I'm not exactly an expert in this type of stuff but you could start by contacting general family counselors or a psychologist in your town. "Interview" him or her the first time you meet to see if you feel comfortable disclosing and sharing. If not, try another one.

IMVHO I feel as though you would benefit from talking everything out. He/she would help you understand the family dynamics in play, your feelings and sense of obligation to your mother and siblings, how your actions are affecting them and how your actions are affecting you, coping skills when the leeches try to lay the guilt trip on you, and coping skills for you when you feel guilty. Which you probably will.

He/she should also be able to point you in the right direction to help get your mother situated.

If you don't make the break (and you think that you will continue living as you are now) first spend a few minutes visualizing what your life will look like this time next year. And two years from now. And five years from now.

Grow up and get out. In effect, to save your own life.
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Old 04-14-2012, 08:51 PM
Location: Nebraska
4,179 posts, read 9,382,936 times
Reputation: 9551
Dear young man - no one has the right to expect to live off of anyone else. You are not - repeat NOT - responsible for your brother and sister. You may feel gratitude to your Mom for raising you, and want to help her, and that is OK - but don't let her manipulate you into believing that, just because she doesn't want her DD to leave, you are responsible for your sister's living arrangements, too.

You should not feel guilty for having a job and being able to support yourself - what is wrong with your brother and sister that they could not educate themselves, and work their ways up in jobs/careers that they chose, just as you did? You are enabling them to be dependent and helpless, and that is not good for them or you. I feel for you - I have two children who worked hard for what they have, and one who insisted that they owed him - I would not permit the other two to feel the least bit guilty about their choices in life - or his.

People choose their own paths, either actively or passively. Your choices have made you a decent, caring, productive, hard-working citizen. Don't let their poor choices dictate your future. What they are or choose is not your fault, nor your responsibility.
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Old 04-14-2012, 09:06 PM
18,856 posts, read 31,583,579 times
Reputation: 26101
Move on. You need a life.
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Old 04-14-2012, 09:19 PM
Location: WY
5,187 posts, read 3,727,492 times
Reputation: 5856
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Move on. You need a life.
LOL. I love it. Succinct and absolutely correct.

Disregard all the other mumbo-jumbo crap written on this thread and take Jasper12's advice. He's right.
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Old 04-14-2012, 09:48 PM
Location: Denver
14,148 posts, read 19,655,951 times
Reputation: 8761
Originally Posted by vindikator View Post
My mother collects Social Security, my brother (30) works but does not pay anything, my sister (31) is not working and says she wont. None of them are disabled - this is what frustrates me the most.

I straight up said "I'm leaving"...but no one believes me. I am looking into a food assistance program for my mom. I have offered to pay some of their expenses - up to $1k a month, but that won't be enough.

Whats best for me is to not worry about this anymore and just leave. I would feel terrible if I just picked up and left...its more difficult when family is involved.
In my opinion, I would have stopped it 3 years ago. Your siblings are taking advantage of you badly.
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Old 04-14-2012, 11:40 PM
Location: Austin, Texas
538 posts, read 1,655,555 times
Reputation: 354
As long as you don't mind living and caring for your mom I would take her with you and leave your siblings behind. They are perfectly capable of supporting themselves but you are enabling them. You are actually doing them a great disservice. What about when you or if you get married or want to have a relationship? I doubt your spouse will find it okay to support your siblings that should be supporting themselves.
Supporting your mom is a different thing all together but if she doesn't want to leave that is her choice. She has to know that you will only support her if she goes with you. Tell her if she stays with your siblings it will be up to them to support her. I doubt she will want to take that chance.
The only one you owe anything to is your mom but remember she has the ability to make her own choices as well. Give them a date that you will be moving and don't look back.
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Old 04-15-2012, 04:32 AM
Location: Clovis Strong, NM
3,376 posts, read 4,794,404 times
Reputation: 1979
If you've got the immediate resources to do so, you should just bone out without telling anyone.
Your situation isn't as bad as mine, but I feel the need to do the same and all I'm waiting for is enough funds to be able to make a proper move while making it less of an initial struggle.
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Old 04-15-2012, 04:43 AM
Location: Southern New Hampshire
7,165 posts, read 12,559,435 times
Reputation: 21522
I agree with most other posters -- get out, it's YOUR life.

I think we romanticize family too much in this society. I love most of my family members dearly, but it's because they are good, hard-working people, not because they happen to be related to me by blood.

I am appalled that a 31-year-old woman CAN work, she is just too lazy to do so (and hasn't had to because you've been supporting her). Good riddance to her.
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Old 04-15-2012, 04:46 AM
1,464 posts, read 2,737,732 times
Reputation: 2817
[quote=vindikator;23859826]So I've got a tough decision to make. I'm 28 yea old guy currently support my brother, sister and mother. We all live in the same apartment - and I pay all the expenses. It has been like this for almost 4 years. I make very good money and have large savings. The reason I've decided to support my family for this long is because they were all in a bad time in their lives. I've had to put my life on hold for these last 4 years and its time for me to make a change.
I have the opportunity to continue working for my company but move anywhere I'd like. At this point, my entire family is depending on me, and looking to me for all the answers.
What I would like to do is move, but not continue paying all the expenses on this current place - even though I can afford it. Is this selfish of me? No one is stepping up and deciding to work to pay for any of the expenses - and its FRUSTRATING the point I might just say GOOD BYE and GOOD LUCK and not look back. Obviously I feel bad about doing this, but I'm so stressed out at this point I don't know what else to do.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you![/quote

A few questions: Is your Mom healthy and able to work? How old are your sister and brother? If your sister and brother are underage, your Mom can apply and probably get assistance from the government to take care of them. Where is your Father in all this? Does your Mom get child support for your two siblings?

Take the opportunity to move on with your life. Your family will survive with help from outside sources. Sit them all down and explain to them how you feel about moving on with your job. There is no reason you should have to cut all ties with them or walk out on them. They have become use to you taking care of things and have not realized that you are entitled to a life of your own. Talk to them, research alternatives for them and trust me they do have alternatives other than living off you. If you want to leave without all that guilt, help your Mom figure out where to get assistance and get it started for her that way.

Good luck with this..stay level headed and you will be able to walk away from this with no guilt. You are a good son!!
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