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Old 08-27-2012, 06:49 AM
2,737 posts, read 4,312,955 times
Reputation: 1785


Originally Posted by vindikator View Post
So I've got a tough decision to make. I'm 28 yea old guy currently support my brother, sister and mother. We all live in the same apartment - and I pay all the expenses. It has been like this for almost 4 years. I make very good money and have large savings. The reason I've decided to support my family for this long is because they were all in a bad time in their lives. I've had to put my life on hold for these last 4 years and its time for me to make a change.

I have the opportunity to continue working for my company but move anywhere I'd like. At this point, my entire family is depending on me, and looking to me for all the answers.

What I would like to do is move, but not continue paying all the expenses on this current place - even though I can afford it. Is this selfish of me? No one is stepping up and deciding to work to pay for any of the expenses - and its FRUSTRATING the point I might just say GOOD BYE and GOOD LUCK and not look back. Obviously I feel bad about doing this, but I'm so stressed out at this point I don't know what else to do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Your mom, brother & sister need to take care of themselves.

However, until you move, they will be more than happy to let you pay for all their expenses while they make bad decisions, and lay around on their lazy butts.

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Old 08-27-2012, 08:34 AM
Location: Location: Location
6,343 posts, read 7,787,603 times
Reputation: 18559
How about this? You have a brother who decided that he would get out and get on with it (life).

You have a sister who doesn't see any reason to get out and get on with it. (And when and if she does, you can bet she'll leave your Mother to fend for herself)

You have a Mother who, at 64 and on SocSec, doesn't have far to go to be on Medicare. One problem solved.

If you put your Mother's name in for senior low-income housing, she will be able to live in a nice apartment and the rent will be based on her income - generally 30% - and the people there will be able to direct her to the many programs that exist to make life easier for seniors.

As for your sister, unless you make it plain that you are not going to continue to support her, she will continue to drain the life blood out of you.

There are no medals given for self-sacrifice, trust me.

See to it that your Mother is safe and move on.
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Old 08-27-2012, 09:08 AM
571 posts, read 987,542 times
Reputation: 1444
You should definitely leave - and put a good bit of miles between yourselves.

In order to ease your break, get a plan down in writing for your mom. Let her know the resources she has, the monthly budget you've set out for her. Leave phone numbers for her (to call for her SS check, food stamps, anything she may have questions about). If your siblings mooch into her budget - well, once you are out, there isn't much you can do about it. But put stuff in writing, make copies.

This will help ease the guilt (although you have no reason to feel guilty).

That being said, it is easy for all of us to say "go, go, go!" Right or wrong, it isn't easy and may be a bit painful to walk away from your mom (even worse if your moocher siblings are going to turn the whole thing around and make you feel horrible, once they realize you'll be making good on your threat to leave). Expect that they will turn on you.

But follow through, don't look back.

Best of luck - you're going to do awesome once you've freed yourself and can plan your future.
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Old 08-27-2012, 02:53 PM
Location: Lakewood OH
21,698 posts, read 23,553,540 times
Reputation: 35443
Is there anything I can say to convince you as to the extreme harm you are doing your sister by continuing to "support" her? Because every day you "take care" of her you are crippling her. I am sorry but that is true. My 53 year old friend had a mother who "took care" of her until the day the mother died. The friend never had to work. She was left money and a house. Because she had no clue as how to take care of herself she lost all of it. At her age with no skills, no one wants to hire her. She did get a break and got a good job but didn't know how to keep it. Now that's gone too. She is going from friend's couch to couch but is beginning to wear out her welcome. Soon she will live either on the streets or in shelters. Is that what you want for your sister?

I am not making this up. It is really happening. My friend's mother encouraged her to work but at the same time supported her when she refused. Isn't that what you are doing?

Trust me my friend. You are not helping your sister. She is young I assume. She has time. If you cut her off now she still has a chance to pick herslef up and learn to take care of herself. You must stop holding her back. Every able bodied person must learn to stand on his or her own two feet. Again you are not supporting her you are crippling her.

Apologies if I told this story before in a previous post but since you appear to be continuing to be doing the same thing, if I did, it bears repeating. For your sister's sake if for nothing else.
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Old 08-27-2012, 03:06 PM
Location: Here and There
2,538 posts, read 3,360,624 times
Reputation: 3766
Originally Posted by vindikator View Post
Hello everyone,

I just wanted to give an update on my situation for those who are interested. There was lots of advice given on this forum and when I look back I wish I had made better choices but I've have learned from my past decisions.

My brother now lives in his own apartment, supporting himself. Hes actually doing pretty good and has lots of opportunities in his future.

I moved my sister and mother to a different state (I'm still living with them until I move to my own place) and things have not really changed. My sister has not gotten a job, nor will she. I've fought with them a number of times in regards to this issue but I can't do any more -- its stressing me out. I'm not worried about my mother not working, because she doesn't really need to, shes at the retirement age.

My plan is to move them out of our current apartment into a smaller, cheaper place and leave. I want to relocate to the west coast. The new apartment will be in my moms name and I will push her to apply for some type of assistance program since she is a low-income elderly. The biggest issue I struggle with his leaving them behind without any family. I've offered to relocate them to the same city as me but they refuse. They're pretty stuck on staying in the city there in now. I feel kind of guilty leaving them behind...maybe its just something I need to get over. But at this point I'm so fed up I just don't care anymore.

I've considered buying a house on the east coast and renting it out to her so I'm not throwing my money away on apts. but it seems risky to me.

From all this so far, I've learned that even family will lie to you. You've got to trust your gut on decisions and don't act differently just because family is involved...people are people!
I guess I am confused as why you moved yourself, mother and sister to a different state, and it's not even the one you wanted to move to? Do NOT purchase a home on the east coast to rent to your Mom, it will turn into a flop house for your sister and who knows who else. What you mom needs is a 1 bedroom apt in a senior's complex, that way your sister will have to stretch out those wings and try to fly/or crash and burn, like an ADULT. (Or, hope she finds a sugar-daddy) This is your life, you are responsible for yourself. Your sister is not disabled, and should be self-supporting at her age, and dare I say, should be able to actually help contribute to your mother's situation as well. I am glad to hear your brother isn't mooching off of you any longer. Good luck. Go west young man, go west.
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Old 08-27-2012, 07:16 PM
61 posts, read 209,885 times
Reputation: 94
Originally Posted by skyegirl View Post
I guess I am confused as why you moved yourself, mother and sister to a different state, and it's not even the one you wanted to move to? Do NOT purchase a home on the east coast to rent to your Mom, it will turn into a flop house for your sister and who knows who else. What you mom needs is a 1 bedroom apt in a senior's complex, that way your sister will have to stretch out those wings and try to fly/or crash and burn, like an ADULT. (Or, hope she finds a sugar-daddy) This is your life, you are responsible for yourself. Your sister is not disabled, and should be self-supporting at her age, and dare I say, should be able to actually help contribute to your mother's situation as well. I am glad to hear your brother isn't mooching off of you any longer. Good luck. Go west young man, go west.
I def. didn't want to move here. I was under the impression that when we arrived my sister would be working so I could go off on my own. I feel stuck here now. Breaking the lease will cost me $2k. It's my own fault...I took a chance and it didn't work out. If I don't break the lease I will have to stick it out here for another 8 months.

I'm really worried about my sister. I don't know if shes not working because shes lazy or there is something wrong with her mentally or emotionally. She will not open up to me...by not doing so...it just makes her look lazy and entitled. I tried to relay that to her but still I get nothing in return.

I can no longer fight with them. I feel as if I don't have a choice anymore...like I have to just give in...my views are completely opposite of those of my sister and mother. My mother wants to shelter her and protect her from what I think is right. I don't want to complain anymore...I need to live with the choices I made and make better ones in the future.

If I could ask for a piece of advice...Would it be wise to break the lease and go off on my own? Or rather stick it out for a bit longer, save money, and then move?
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Old 08-27-2012, 07:19 PM
35,121 posts, read 39,953,196 times
Reputation: 62020
I would have been out the door about 4 years ago and let them fend for themselves. They have been taking advantage of you for way too long and it is time to move on and live your life. Let them grow up and take responsibility for their lives for a change.

Help Mom find suitable housing for her needs BUT do NOT pay for it yourself, there are agencies for these things.
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:50 PM
Location: Lakewood OH
21,698 posts, read 23,553,540 times
Reputation: 35443
I am going to give you a piece of advice I hope you will take to heart in the form of a poem by a very wise lady. I hope you can see yourself and your family in it.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson 1980

You are the only one who can dig yourself out of the hole. All the advice in the world will not dig you out. Please find that other street soon before you are in so deep you no longer have any hope of getting out.
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Old 08-28-2012, 05:54 AM
371 posts, read 1,170,649 times
Reputation: 203
You need to go to a counselor/ therapist! At the end of the day, you will end up with the wisdom that you have received on this forum, but it's clearly not getting through to you by this method - which is just how it is.

But, honestly, what are you still doing dealing with this? While you have a problem on your hands, it is YOU that is making the choice to make yourself a martyr. Why are you needing to be a martyr? A victim somehow? I know you see yourself as a hero in this story because of this 'great sacrifice' that you are making - but you are doing no one any favors.

The REASON why your sister is not getting a job or improving her life is NOT your problem or business. And what motivation does she have anyway to figure it all out when you are colluding in keeping her dependent on you? Your mother, in a different way, is also colluding to keep your sister dependent and incompetent. And, speaking of your mother, she's not 90 years old! A person in their 60's is still fully capable of taking care of their basic needs. There's not reason why you have to run around trying to find her senior housing and services ... she can do that herself. You said she's not disabled? Sounds like the mental problems she had was becoming depressed after your father died? (which is understandable). Is there any that makes your mother incapacitated enough that she can't fill out some applications for housing and services for herself? IF that's what she wanted... which is the other matter. It's clear she doesn't want it. Your mother seems perfectly content to coddle your sister and mooch off you.

Since you originally posted, you actually went BACKWARDS in your life. Instead of moving on, you let them move YOU to where THEY wanted to live, even though it's not where you want to live. Are you seeing that these people are much more capable than you think? They're not worrying about what YOU want one little bit, but you are putting your whole life on hold. They are taking advantage of you financially, but I think you get some sort of satisfaction out of being needed that much. You have to choose whether you want to be a hero (that simultaneously get the sympathy of a victim by complaining about his situation) or whether you want to be happy.

It's clear by now that I'm not as sympathetic to your mother as others have been. I don't think she's that old and I think she's being a selfish mother. As a mother, I would never stand by and watch one of my children make that kind of sacrifice of my behalf and the behalf of a lazy sibling. The fact that your mother is not telling you to go where you want and find your happiness tells me we can guess where your brother and sister got their bad habits from. You seem to love her very much and so I don't want to be disrespectful, but even with our parents, we have to be able to step back and see not only the ways in which they are wonderful and love us, but also the ways in which they are flawed and keep us down.

But, to be fair, let me ask: have you actually said that you want to move away to your own life? Has your mother actually said "no, please, don't leave us." Has your sister said that? Or have they both said, "Sure do what you need to do" and have you been the one that says "But how will you survive? But I must take care of you?" Just wondering! Are you requiring that they live a certain way before you can leave? Maybe it's enough for them with your mother's social security money. Maybe they don't feel they need more than rent and a few basic things. And that's their business. If you are having higher standards for them than they have for themselves, that is not your place! Will they really become homeless if you didn't pay the rent (assuming you've let them find a place within THEIR means and not YOUR means)? Either way, not your problem! You know your mother can get herself into housing if she needed, and your sister's a grown-up who I ASSURE you would figure it all out very quickly if you took off.

Break the lease, pay the 2K and move on. You don't have to set anybody up with anything. You don't have to give anybody a monthly stipend to help them out. You don't have to do a single thing at this point. We all agree you've done enough. You gave your sister a chance to be independent and she doesn't want it. You've given your mother plenty of notice that you are unhappy and want to move on, and she hasn't bothered to think of a solution for herself. YOU DON'T OWE THEM ANYTHING! If they want the apartment after you leave, they will take over the lease. If they are not allowed or can't afford it, they will find a place they can afford and can get into. They are not the only poor people in the world. There are many others and they find apartments to live in. So your catastrophic thinking about how they won't find a place to live unless your name is on things and unless you pay for things is incorrect.

If you can't hear what I just said and act on it IMMEDIATELY, then I go back to my original advice: go to counseling/ therapy. You've said a lot about your brother's issues and your sister's issues. But you have a lot of issues too. And, unlike your brother's and sister's problems, your issues are costing you a lot more! You are wasting your youth. You don't get to be in your 20's again and I can't begin to tell you what a great time that can be if you could free yourself from this sense of responsibility that you have, this need to be a hero/victim of your family. Go be young before you aren't anymore.

Last edited by Minier; 08-28-2012 at 06:11 AM..
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Old 08-29-2012, 05:40 PM
Location: Temporarily in Niagara Falls, Ont. Canada
167 posts, read 713,320 times
Reputation: 139
You've received some good advice here. I agree, pay $2000 to break the lease and move on. Consider it a small price to pay for getting your life back. Live and learn. Sometimes we don't learn a lesson until it costs us money. Glad things are working out for your brother. You've done him a good deed by making him move on with his life. Hopefully your sister will see it that way too. She's taking advantage of you. Don't let her. Of course, things will be rough between the two of you. Time usually heals these things. Hopefully, years from now, she will thank you for making her go out on her own. It's not your responsibility to support her. True, I think we should be there for family, but not when they outright take advantage of you like she is.

As for your mother, she gave birth to you, and (presumably) paid for things for you as she raised you. I might feel a bit more of a moral obligation to help my own mother in this case. You could send her a generous gift from time to time. Help her get set up. Be there is she's in a real bind and needs some financial help, but don't let her get to depend on in on a regular basis - unless you really want to help your mother out financially on a regular basis. She's the only one I would do that for. If she's got such a low income that she can't buy herself some things she really wants or needs, you can help her out. Maybe send her gift cards for certain store.

But, for sure move on with your life. Move out west. Your mother will not be alone - your brother and sister are close by. And you can visit her on your vacations if you wish to. Do what you need to do for yourself now. Move out west and be happy!
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