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Old 08-31-2012, 05:22 PM
 
61 posts, read 210,087 times
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I appreciate everyone's advice and I know what I need to do. At this point I'm trying to get my mom on a food assistance program since she will qualify. I don't share meals with her...she pays for her own...She does not want to go on the program...she says "God" says shes not to do it. I don't agree with this perspective and I said that you cannot make these decisions when you have people who you depend on.

She believes that since I make X amount of dollars that only I should provide for her. I could provide for all her needs, move out on my own, but be left with pretty much nothing at the end of the month. I don't think this is smart, esp. when she could qualify for assistance programs.

I've reverted to yelling and getting upset. I know I shouldn't be acting like this but I really don't know what else to do. I almost feel like she wants to keep me providing for her so I never leave...I could be wrong...I don't know how to deal with this difficult situation.
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Old 08-31-2012, 05:26 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 39,987,519 times
Reputation: 62022
Quote:
Originally Posted by vindikator View Post
I appreciate everyone's advice and I know what I need to do. At this point I'm trying to get my mom on a food assistance program since she will qualify. I don't share meals with her...she pays for her own...She does not want to go on the program...she says "God" says shes not to do it. I don't agree with this perspective and I said that you cannot make these decisions when you have people who you depend on.

She believes that since I make X amount of dollars that only I should provide for her. I could provide for all her needs, move out on my own, but be left with pretty much nothing at the end of the month. I don't think this is smart, esp. when she could qualify for assistance programs.

I've reverted to yelling and getting upset. I know I shouldn't be acting like this but I really don't know what else to do. I almost feel like she wants to keep me providing for her so I never leave...I could be wrong...I don't know how to deal with this difficult situation.

The situation is being made more difficult because you are allowing your Mother to guilt you into staying. Pack your things and LEAVE and be done with it. Once you are gone trust me your Mother will apply to all the programs she needs to and get what she needs. YOU are NOT obligated to provide for your parents no matter what the situation is. So MOVE ALREADY and be done with it. I don't think you are abandoning anyone I think THEY have been taking advantage of your generosity for much too long.
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Old 08-31-2012, 05:44 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,698 posts, read 23,566,607 times
Reputation: 35443
Quote:
Originally Posted by vindicator View Post
I appreciate everyone's advice and I know what I need to do. At this point I'm trying to get my mom on a food assistance program since she will qualify. I don't share meals with her...she pays for her own...She does not want to go on the program...she says "God" says shes not to do it. I don't agree with this perspective and I said that you cannot make these decisions when you have people who you depend on.

She believes that since I make X amount of dollars that only I should provide for her. I could provide for all her needs, move out on my own, but be left with pretty much nothing at the end of the month. I don't think this is smart, esp. when she could qualify for assistance programs.

I've reverted to yelling and getting upset. I know I shouldn't be acting like this but I really don't know what else to do. I almost feel like she wants to keep me providing for her so I never leave...I could be wrong...I don't know how to deal with this difficult situation.
Your mother is not making the situation difficult. YOU are. If she says God says she is not to do it, she is clearly mentally troubled. She is elderly, it happens. Either that or as the previous poster says she is manipulative and knows how to work you.

Of course she wants to keep you from ever leaving her. That's the whole point. Whether she is mentally unstable or just manipulative she is succeeding in doing just that. What you want or need is irrelevant in her eyes.

In either case, there are social workers and and people who can help with this kind of thing for the elderly. I know. I am 66 years old. I am aware of all the facilities in my town that are there to help the elderly and I am certain there are similar ones in yours. We know your mom's possible reasons for her behavior; it's either true mental illness with which you are not qualified to deal and you both need professional help or it's her way of controlling you.

Either way, you have to take action beyond posting the situation on an Internet message board.
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Old 09-01-2012, 06:55 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,300 posts, read 35,841,586 times
Reputation: 62649
GET OUT.

Contact a social worker, formulate a reasonable time line (without Mom's input), and then present it to Mom, and then STICK TO IT.

Tell her that frankly, if she doesn't believe you and cooperate and take action, she will be living under an overpass out of a shopping cart she stole from the corner store.

I know that's YOUR fear, but it's unrealistic. You're not the only person who has to deal with a manipulative mother - but the vast majority of moms don't end up under the overpass.

By the way, your mom is in her sixties, right? That's not exactly ELDERLY. Don't fall for that crap. She's OLDER but she's not a helpless old lady.
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Old 09-01-2012, 01:44 PM
 
13,292 posts, read 25,459,767 times
Reputation: 20363
Right, sixty-four isn't elderly. Now, she could have some sort of mental illness or early dementia, true, but OP has good ideas as to how to settle her and then MOVE.
Screw the sister. It's about time.
Maybe the mother should have a nice studio apartment. Easier for her not to take in any leeches.
If I were OP, I'd take the $2k hit and MOVE. It's only $2k. One's mental health is well worth more than that (although I agree that OP might benefit greatly from some talk or group therapy, or even something like Al-Anon to avoid every getting mired in a similar situation, and you know it doesn't have to be blood family ties to get mired if you're in that state of mind).

Is breaking a lease always taken seriously, especially if the breaker moves out of state? It never seemed that way where I lived as a renter, although there were a lot of students and a lot of lease breakers.

OP? Are you out there? MOVE. You've done more than most would ever do. You do not owe your life to your mother, compromised or not.
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Old 09-01-2012, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,698 posts, read 23,566,607 times
Reputation: 35443
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
Right, sixty-four isn't elderly. Now, she could have some sort of mental illness or early dementia, true, but OP has good ideas as to how to settle her and then MOVE.
Screw the sister. It's about time.
Maybe the mother should have a nice studio apartment. Easier for her not to take in any leeches.
If I were OP, I'd take the $2k hit and MOVE. It's only $2k. One's mental health is well worth more than that (although I agree that OP might benefit greatly from some talk or group therapy, or even something like Al-Anon to avoid every getting mired in a similar situation, and you know it doesn't have to be blood family ties to get mired if you're in that state of mind).

Is breaking a lease always taken seriously, especially if the breaker moves out of state? It never seemed that way where I lived as a renter, although there were a lot of students and a lot of lease breakers.

OP? Are you out there? MOVE. You've done more than most would ever do. You do not owe your life to your mother, compromised or not.
Yes, depending upon the landlord, the lease breaker can be taken to court and fined. But there are legal ways around it. The tenant can make an agreement with the landlord to sublet or come to some other terms. If he explains the situation to the landlord as to why he needs to break the lease, they can hopefully come to some agreement.

When I moved out of state, I told my landlord and he was fine with my moving and said he would just find someone to take over my lease. Sometimes the landlord will do that sometimes he will ask the present tenant to do it. But to just move without telling the landlord isn't a good idea. You might want him as a reference for your new place and if you just skip out, you obviously won't get it and breaking your lease like that can invite a lawsuit.
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Old 09-02-2012, 08:49 PM
 
2,542 posts, read 5,976,131 times
Reputation: 2597
A way to make the break, but assuage any feelings of guilt, is to set up a special savings/investment that you can slowly add money to. You can than use this money in the future to ensure a decent end-of-life living arrangement for you mom when the time comes (the point where she will need your help). Under no circumstances should anyone elses name be on it--afterall, you have to provide for yourself first and foremost and you don't know what your future holds and what needs you will have. However, your mom doesn't need the help the most now. There are programs for her now, and she has the capability to make herself comfortable. You can always send a handsome Christmas or birthday check every year for her to help her out (without making her rely on you always).
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Old 09-02-2012, 09:17 PM
 
12,983 posts, read 15,319,968 times
Reputation: 15159
Quote:
Originally Posted by vindikator View Post
So I've got a tough decision to make. I'm 28 yea old guy currently support my brother, sister and mother. We all live in the same apartment - and I pay all the expenses. It has been like this for almost 4 years. I make very good money and have large savings. The reason I've decided to support my family for this long is because they were all in a bad time in their lives. I've had to put my life on hold for these last 4 years and its time for me to make a change.

I have the opportunity to continue working for my company but move anywhere I'd like. At this point, my entire family is depending on me, and looking to me for all the answers.

What I would like to do is move, but not continue paying all the expenses on this current place - even though I can afford it. Is this selfish of me? No one is stepping up and deciding to work to pay for any of the expenses - and its FRUSTRATING the point I might just say GOOD BYE and GOOD LUCK and not look back. Obviously I feel bad about doing this, but I'm so stressed out at this point I don't know what else to do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
They aren't being fair to you if you are supporting all of them. It's time for them to pull their own weight. The best thing you can do for them is to give them a little warning - maybe a month or so - that you will be leaving and they will be on their own and they need to start getting things in order now. They are taking advantage of you. You have been supporting them since you were 24? OMG! It's time for them to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. If they end up homeless, let it happen. If you have to cut off contact, then do it. But don't let them guilt you into supporting them any longer.

I have a 27 and a 24 year old. No way I would think of letting them support me. If I had to work two or three minimum wage jobs and live in the ghetto to take care of myself, I would do that before I'd let my kids support me.
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Old 09-06-2012, 05:26 AM
 
Location: right here
4,127 posts, read 4,761,053 times
Reputation: 4862
I try to live by these words of wisdom from a teacher...people behave in a manner which is allowed and accepted. Your siblings are behaving this way because you are letting them. You are 28 years old, you need to live your life. Are you afraid they won't love you anymore if you don't take care of them? If yes, well then they don't love you.

You need to break away..it will be one of the most difficult things you do but it's time to live your life don't you think?

Good luck and don't let other people live your life for you.
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Old 09-06-2012, 05:45 AM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,567,011 times
Reputation: 26194
OP, What would your advise be to someone else in the same position as yourself??? Take that advise yourself. Make a name and phone list of agencies for your Mom. Leave it on the frig. Get yourself a separate place to live and move. The laws protect renters in most areas....it's likely your mom and siblings could continue to live there for sometime before they are forced out in any legal action. When you are out on your own, your Mom is "stuck" emotionally and has become totally dependent on you....You may need to contact a social service agency, your local ombudsman or senior services in your area.....it is the best plan, she will get the help she needs and your adult siblings will be held accountable to do what other adults do, get jobs, and if they aren't capable they may also finally get some help from the right referrals. etc.
Your Mom is probably overwhelmed w/ their demands, do not turn into your Mom by your inability to do the right thing. You'll have more ability to help your Mom if your bills are just your bills and not carrying the others financially...But live on your own....It is the only way to let yourself free. Good luck...Hope to see updates from you. Get yourself into some codependency counseling too right away....good guidance from folks who've been there will help you a lot. Some links found on search.
Welcome: CoDA Home Page
Signs of a Codependent Relationship
Mental Health America: Co-dependency
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