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What I don't understand is why is your need to be close to family you don't even know more important than your CHILDREN'S need to be close to their father. You are an adult. You are past your formative years. You will not be emotionally damaged long term by continued separation from your extended family. Your kids will. Even without a potential custody battle, this is not a good idea. And how dare your husband minimize his stepchildren's need to be near their father.
Kansas isn't that far. You can visit, and move when your kids are off to college.
What I don't understand is why is your need to be close to family you don't even know more important than your CHILDREN'S need to be close to their father. You are an adult. You are past your formative years. You will not be emotionally damaged long term by continued separation from your extended family. Your kids will. Even without a potential custody battle, this is not a good idea. And how dare your husband minimize his stepchildren's need to be near their father.
Kansas isn't that far. You can visit, and move when your kids are off to college.
Ok, first of all my husband has never minimized the kids' needs. Ever. When I said that he says we shouldn't put our lives on hold to please everyone else he meant staying here because of my friends and his family. He understands just as well as I do the consequences of what we were thinking about doing and is just as concerned as I am.
And you know, I guess having not been in my situation you wouldn't understand my need to be closer to family that I do indeed know. I may not have known all of them my entire life, but I do know them. I know that I'm the adult here and as such I have to do what's best for my kids and not necessarily what I want to do. And if I was not aware of that then I would have already said the hell with it and packed up the car and took off. Like it or not I am more responsible than that. Just because I am asking questions about how to deal with it or what to do about it does not make me an irresponsible or bad person and it certainly doesn't mean that my husband is either. In my first post I said that this wouldn't happen for a few more years. By that time my kids will be teenagers, have their own lives and not nearly as attached to mom or dad. It is what it is. If i have to wait til they graduate high school then so be it. I was just trying to find out how other people did it. I am sure, and judging by the responses I got here, I am not the only person who has wanted to move away from a place who has kids. People do it all the time. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. What I wanted to know is how to deal with all the messy emotional stuff that goes with it. Thank you.
I can understand your desire to move closer to your family, I've been wanting to for years and years (finally get to, in8months!). However, one thing that hasn't been mentioned is whether there is anything in your custody rulings about whether you are allowed to move your kids.
I know a woman who has a 10yrd daughter. Her deadbeat ex bought the house across the street! She is having trouble getting a job that pays enough to pay all of her bills and wants to move to find a better job. BUT... there is a clause that says she is not allowed to move the daughter more than 12 miles away from her father. So if you do decide to move (and moving nearly always makes kids miserable - somehow, many of them get over it) just make sure there isn't any clause like that that's being overlooked.
But in response to the actual question in the subject heading - that no one has really touched on... how do you not feel guilty? by doing it for the right reasons and being excited about the move. and understanding that 'guilt' doesn't actual accomplish anything but make you unhappy. It is normal to miss friends you leave behind, and goodness knows I will miss my friends terribly (but that's all I'll miss around here!), but with internet, telephones & skype -and even planes and cars- I don't have to miss them any more than I 'want' to miss them; ya know? It is possible to be in contact as much as I want to be.
You have to really want what you're doing and know it's for the best. Once you decide exactly where you're moving, work on getting things lined up: jobs, schools, places to continue your hobbies & interests (if they have email/facebook groups, join them to get to know people ahead of time)... all that can make a big difference.
The other two boys are ages 9 and 6 now and I absolutely know that their dad would probably hate the idea. He complains all the time about how much he misses them and he doesn't get to see them enough. And we just moved back to where he lives 20 minutes away. We were living about 1.5 hours away and both he and the kids hated it. I hated it too, but only because driving to take them to see him every other weekend was killing me physically and financially. This is most of my problem, I know that their dad will never go for it and I don't really want another custody fight.
Luckily I have some time to sort it out, but I just wonder how people get to the point where they think "ok, let's make this move no matter what." I can't get past feeling like I'm going to destroy my kids if we move.
I can understand and sympathizes with you wanting to move closer to family; however, sometimes it is better not to be closer. The boys need to be close to their dad this bond is what you missed as a child and now you are thinking about doing the same thing to them? I am confused.
Economy is horrible right now and everyone is on pins and needles not know if they have a job tomorrow or not. You have friends where you are right now that have been established. Sometimes having friends is much better than being close to family. Family cannot be substituted but you can visit family and have that same bond.
I live far away from family but I visit for 2 weeks every year and let’s say at the end of two weeks I am somewhat happy that I do not live any closer. There is silly drama in between my dad, mom, brother, sister that I do not have to deal with. "Why do you spend more time with her kids then mine, etc.......list goes on and on. I did live close to family for about a year and during that time I thought I might get more help but was surprised since they were busy with their lives and did not have time for mine "how dare they have a life and the sun not revolve around mine". (I am joking on this)
I would really be concerned about the boys and them having bonding time with their dads. This is important at their age and to take it away from them would be sad as you have found out through your life.
Leaving behind children is a special and separate issue.
I moved to another state and left behind all of my family of origin. It was the best thing that I've done in my life and my world is relatively drama free. Although when I see my former area codes on caller ID, I sometimes panic slightly.
I have found that the relationships that were healthy, have survived and flourished. Knowing that we are several hours away, relatives who do want to see us seem to make the effort.
As for those who do not, the feeling is mutual and I have no guilt at all.
I moved away from Kentucky. That alone should make one not miss it, right? Right?
Kentucky is a very "home body" type of place and, as of the late 1990s (it's probably still true), it had the second highest percentage of native born residents among all the states. If you're born there, you're reared there, educated there, cheer for college basketball there, and die there. A "big" move is from Madisonville to Owensboro, Corbin to Lexington, or Frankfort to Florence. The people are the first to wish you congratulations if you have to leave to pursue your dreams, but often times those are the first people who openly admit to not being able to "make it" in a truly larger place.
The cultural sheltering and ignorance of the world around is very annoying and, yes, the people there are some of the most undereducated I've met anywhere. Period. However, the general kindness of the people, which I often took for granted and even forgot about when working in customer service, is something you don't forget when you leave. I don't think Kentucky's as outwardly friendly as other Southern states, and I'll even say that Louisville and Northern Kentucky are unfriendly metros, but rural Kentucky is poor but it also stays in your blood. I'm proud to be from there, even if the town I'm from is a dump.
The reason I don't feel guilty is simple: it was time to go. I miss a very few close relatives, but that's it.
Having said all that, would I move back? It would have to be for a damn good reason, or when I'm 65 and ready to retire and come home.
Last edited by EclecticEars; 05-09-2012 at 12:58 AM..
I wouldn't move the younger kids away from their dad, even if he is okay with it, or move away from the older one, especially since you are moving to be near relatives you don't even know. To me your kids are more important than family you hardly even know.
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