U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > General Moving Issues
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-26-2012, 10:10 AM
 
Location: Texas
31 posts, read 60,048 times
Reputation: 34

Advertisements

Well, the title of this thread is my question. Some background on me. My husband and I have been talking about relocating closer to my family in a couple of years when I am done with school. We currently live in Texas and we are fairly close, about an hour or so, away from his family. My family lives in Kansas, however I have lived in Texas since I was about a year old. I just had to make an emergency trip to Kansas a month ago because my dad had a heart attack and passed away a couple of days later. The kicker was that I only got to meet him 4 years ago.

Anyway, since that happened my husband and I have had discussions about moving closer to the rest of the family that I have that still lives there so that maybe I can get to know them better since I grew up not knowing about any of them. He is all for the idea while I have reservations. My problem is that I don't know if I am just rationalizing to avoid the huge life change moving that far away from everything I've ever known would entail, or if my hesitations are actually good, because they are keeping me from diving in to a disaster.

The hesitations I have are mostly related to my kids. My husband and I only have 1 child together, but I have 3 others from previous relationships. The oldest lives with his dad (his choice, not mine) and I have custody of the other two. Right now, I live in the same town as my oldest son and I hardly see him, mostly because he doesn't like the rules at my house. The father of my other two lives about 20 minutes away and sees them every other weekend but is not in the best of health. I keep telling my husband that I don't think I can take those two away from their dad like that, even if we would be moving to a place where there is so much more extended family. I also don't think I can leave my oldest son, even though he doesn't want to live with me. And then there is the issue of my two best friends, who have been so much like family to me for most of my life. How do I leave this?

How do I decide what is best for both me and my kids? I am torn because I want with every fiber of my being to leave Texas because I am just over it, but I know that I have to take my kids needs into consideration. So tell me, how to people make the choice to uproot their family from everything they've ever known and set down roots elsewhere? How do people get over the guilt of leaving family and friends behind? Or is it just me feeling guilty for ridiculous reasons? Sorry for such a long post, but I am interested in people's thoughts.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-26-2012, 01:36 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,537,530 times
Reputation: 16771
How old are your kids? My son lived with my sister in law, and was in highschool. I got the chance to move away from where all my bad memories were, which I needed. I thought about how our twice a month visits had dwindled down to maybe once a month or maybe not that, and usually no more than a day and ask him. He said okay. Yes, I missed him but he called just as much and the two weeks he spent on a visit were more than I saw him there. For me it was the best choice.

Your son who doesn't like the rules isn't going to change his mind. It's hard to leave kids behind, but do you see him much? Perhaps talk with your ex about an arraigement where he visits on vacation. The other boys, how old are they? How would their father feel about longer, less frequent visits? It's not just how you and your husband feel, but the rest.

Kansas isn't that far from Texas, and it wouldn't be impossible to set up visits.

If you feel in your every fiber you need to get out of Texas, (kinda how I felt about California) then do. Plan, talk to everyone, but what some of us are afraid of is rediscovering the gift of taking that chance. It IS a gift you have to make up your mind to do, and accept the risk it might not be perfect. But if you know you don't like where you are, then you know what you find is worth trying.

I myself feel kind of like my ancestors, who moved along from Maryland, to Kentucky, then to Tennessee, then Illinious, then to Missouri/Iowa and when the train was built (they worked for UP) to California. They had the nerve to see what was beyond the horizon. Why shouldn't I?

I found a lot of people just couldn't figure out why I'd do it, but then there are those who wished they could but were too afraid. All I know is for me it was the absolutely right decision to have made.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2012, 01:51 PM
 
Location: Texas
31 posts, read 60,048 times
Reputation: 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightbird47 View Post
How old are your kids? My son lived with my sister in law, and was in highschool. I got the chance to move away from where all my bad memories were, which I needed. I thought about how our twice a month visits had dwindled down to maybe once a month or maybe not that, and usually no more than a day and ask him. He said okay. Yes, I missed him but he called just as much and the two weeks he spent on a visit were more than I saw him there. For me it was the best choice.

Your son who doesn't like the rules isn't going to change his mind. It's hard to leave kids behind, but do you see him much? Perhaps talk with your ex about an arraigement where he visits on vacation. The other boys, how old are they? How would their father feel about longer, less frequent visits? It's not just how you and your husband feel, but the rest.

Kansas isn't that far from Texas, and it wouldn't be impossible to set up visits.

If you feel in your every fiber you need to get out of Texas, (kinda how I felt about California) then do. Plan, talk to everyone, but what some of us are afraid of is rediscovering the gift of taking that chance. It IS a gift you have to make up your mind to do, and accept the risk it might not be perfect. But if you know you don't like where you are, then you know what you find is worth trying.

I myself feel kind of like my ancestors, who moved along from Maryland, to Kentucky, then to Tennessee, then Illinious, then to Missouri/Iowa and when the train was built (they worked for UP) to California. They had the nerve to see what was beyond the horizon. Why shouldn't I?

I found a lot of people just couldn't figure out why I'd do it, but then there are those who wished they could but were too afraid. All I know is for me it was the absolutely right decision to have made.
First of all, thank you for your response. To answer some of your questions the oldest who lives with his dad will be 12 in September and by the time we are actually able to move he will probably be 14 or maybe older. I might see him once a month right now, if that, and I'm sure that will become less as he gets older and more into his own social life. It just depends on if he wants to come stay with me. As for my ex letting him visit, probably isn't going to happen. We have a barely civil relationship as it is and there is no way he will agree to letting my child leave the state to visit me.

The other two boys are ages 9 and 6 now and I absolutely know that their dad would probably hate the idea. He complains all the time about how much he misses them and he doesn't get to see them enough. And we just moved back to where he lives 20 minutes away. We were living about 1.5 hours away and both he and the kids hated it. I hated it too, but only because driving to take them to see him every other weekend was killing me physically and financially. This is most of my problem, I know that their dad will never go for it and I don't really want another custody fight.

I do realize that this affects more people than just me and my husband. If it was just me I would've been outta here years ago, but that's not the case. My husband says we can't put our lives on hold to please everyone else, but I am trying to figure out what the point of making a move would be if we all end up miserable anyway? I for one would be ecstatic to be out of Texas, but if my kids are unhappy and missing their dad then I would be miserable anyway because they're so unhappy.

Luckily I have some time to sort it out, but I just wonder how people get to the point where they think "ok, let's make this move no matter what." I can't get past feeling like I'm going to destroy my kids if we move.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2012, 02:06 PM
 
1,135 posts, read 1,840,986 times
Reputation: 1571
Well having spent 68k on a family attorney because I moved out of the beloved state of Texas....not to mention travel costs on top? I'll let you know. Family courts do not approve of moving out of state without the other parent's consent. If the kid's Dad doesn't approve? That means you can't do it unless you have a huge cash stash. So, as a parent? You do what you can to be the best parent and if that means making the best of a situation? You do it. Your kids are entrusted to you for a short time. You will follow your hearts' desire and dream at a little later date knowing full well you did the RIGHT thing!

I stupidly thought that since my daughters Dad was a convicted felon awaiting yet ANOTHER prison sentence I would be ok to move???? NOT He didn't go to jail fast enough so I was out of pocket over $100k trying to keep her away from him. Strange after I'd spent that much he immediately went to federal prison for mandatory 8 years. Take it with a grain of salt.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2012, 02:27 PM
 
Location: Texas
31 posts, read 60,048 times
Reputation: 34
See, I'm kinda in the same boat as you. I am worried that my boys' dad will try and fight me for custody if we try to leave. He won't win, he has a criminal history that might prevent it(it's for writing too many hot checks and he hasn't done any prison time, but he is currently on probation) and even if that didn't the fact that he cannot financially support them full time would. That coupled with the health issues he has there's no way he has the energy to be raising 2 young kids. But, with all that being said I know he would try if only to delay me leaving and I really don't have the time, money, or energy for that fight. So even though I am not completely thrilled with where I am, I don't feel like it's a good idea to just up and leave either.

That being said, having only known my dad for 4 years and him passing away so suddenly has reminded me that life is precious and short and that family is important. So being so far away from extended family does make me sad. Especially since my dad just passed and one of my cousins who I did practically grow up with just got diagnosed with cancer and is starting chemo next month. I have no family left here in Texas other than my DH and kids. I just can't figure out how to possibly plan and execute this move and feel 100% OK about it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2012, 03:00 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,537,530 times
Reputation: 16771
So long as its not a permenant move, can you do regular visits to Kansas? It they are up on things like skype, get connected that way too? Your kids also deserve to get to know the other side of their family.

As for when they get to the teens, my son whined alot. Spending the weekend with mom was the last thing he wanted over his friends. Take some trips to meet the family when the boys are young enough they won't have surrendered to teenage groupthink.

I fully understand why you want to connect with your family and their fathers should understand that these are family to the boys too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2012, 01:48 PM
etx
 
49 posts, read 91,963 times
Reputation: 53
I'm struggling with this issue as well. Its very difficult and I don't have the answers for you.

In my case and I'm filing paperwork to leave with the courts next week. They will have 30 days to contest it and if they do I won't be moving! I don't have the resources to fight it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2012, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Texas
31 posts, read 60,048 times
Reputation: 34
Sorry it's taken me so long to respond, I've been really busy the last few days. I talked to the 9 and 6 year old's dad and he told me if I chose to do go ahead and move he wouldn't fight me for custody. I believe him, he's never tried to before and he doesn't have the resources to truly put up that fight. That being said, the more that my husband and I look at things, the more we've come to realize that moving to Kansas may not be such a great move financially. I am currently working toward getting into nursing school and he works in IT. We would both make less money there than we would if we stayed in Texas. So pretty much we would be in the same financial boat we are now without me working if we moved after I got done with school. And if we stay here we would have extra money to make extra planned visits during the year. I hope that makes sense.

However, none of this changes the fact that I miss my family like crazy and wish I could be closer to them. I guess I will just have to deal for a while longer.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2012, 03:50 PM
 
48,516 posts, read 83,901,398 times
Reputation: 18049
your chi;ldren ;if adults ;have their own lifes and its not like they are that far anfd you will never see them. I time they too may have to decide what is best for them and their families in moving away from you.That is life and what it takes for families to advance in the world. Like young people will be even more mobile as far as number of places they live during their lifes ;often acrooss the entire coutnry during their working lives;if not foreign at timers depending on profession.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2012, 03:51 PM
 
Location: Columbia, California
6,662 posts, read 26,292,141 times
Reputation: 5089
Quote:
Originally Posted by wittynamehere View Post
,,,the oldest who lives with his dad will be 12 in September and by the time we are actually able to move he will probably be 14 or maybe older. I might see him once a month right now, if that, and I'm sure that will become less as he gets older and more into his own social life. It just depends on if he wants to come stay with me. As for my ex letting him visit, probably isn't going to happen. We have a barely civil relationship as it is and there is no way he will agree to letting my child leave the state to visit me.(
Even if you move, the state can require him to let your son visit. You may have to pay all the travel fees but the law allows you to move and keep visitation.

Good luck!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > General Moving Issues
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top