U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > General Moving Issues
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 05-16-2013, 10:19 AM
 
106 posts, read 185,050 times
Reputation: 41

Advertisements

We are facing the very real possibility of a relocation this summer for a possible job opportunity (same state, about 2.5 hours away). My son has known for years that *someday* DH and I planned to leave this area, but he has been quite firm that he wants to graduate from his current high school (two more years of school). He himself isn't planning on staying where we are long term - possibly for college, but he knows the future isn't very bright here and he intends to leave... eventually.

Our plan was to look more seriously at leaving once we got him graduated and settled in college, but life has other plans. A potential opportunity has come up that we would be absolute fools to pass up - and there is a very high chance that it will happen. In my husband's very specialized field, positions like this very rarely come up at all, and when they do, they don't usually pay nearly this well.

The thing is, my son doesn't *love* his school... he has a small group of friends (that I don't particularly care for) but not that many, and he doesn't participate in extracurricular activities. The school itself just isn't very good in general. Lots of drama, extremely high class sizes (he sits on a counter in one class), and quite low Greatschools ratings. If I had my say, I'd drive him across town to the better school, but like I said, he's been pretty firm that he wants to stay here. WHAT is it about this school he likes so much? By his own admission - nothing, really! He has admitted it's all about "The Devil You Know..." It's more a fear of the unknown than a desire to actually be there.

He also doesn't have any friends that live anywhere near us, so he seldom sees any of them after school. He's mostly into computers and video games, where he plays online with his friends (therefore he would still be able to stay in contact with some of them)

The schools in the area we would be moving to, on the other hand, have excellent reputations and very high Greatschools ratings. My son gets good grades and is quite smart - advanced classes for a few things - and planning to go to college for computer programming. Even still, I'm a little concerned that his current high school has not prepared him to keep up in a school that might be far ahead of where they are!

So my options are:
1. We all go this summer and maybe he adjusts well, or maybe he absolutely hates it and hates us and falls back into the depression he was in when middle school was so terrible for him. But, he spends the rest of his childhood in a city with better schools, more income for the family, and a better area with more opportunity.

2. We maintain two residences for the next two years and he stays in the worse school, but a school he is comfortable in. Maybe he has a better chance at scholarships because maybe he's ranked higher compared to his classmates? This would really stretch our budget very very tight and it would be quite difficult to do, but I keep going back to... what if he is absolutely miserable at the new place?

We haven't even told him about the interview yet. We aren't sure if we should tell him before or wait until there is an offer and acceptance. On one hand, I'd like him to come see the area with us when we go for the interview, but on the other hand I don't want to stress him out over this before we know anything for sure.

Whew, this is getting quite long! If you've made it this far, I'm looking for feedback from anyone who has been through something like this, where your kids (particularly teen-agers) didn't want to move but had no choice. How did it turn out in the end?

Thanks!!

 
Old 05-16-2013, 01:54 PM
 
Location: the Beaver State
6,468 posts, read 11,515,399 times
Reputation: 3527
Sit him down and treat him like an adult in conversation. Explain to him why this job and move is important to your husband's long term career. Make him understand that this move is best for the entire family, but you can't have him holding back everyone else just because of his needs. But be empathetic too, make sure he knows that you are listening to his concerns. Promise to bring him back to visit friends on weekends, help him join a club in his area with his interests.

I would recommend against coddling him and maintaing two places, that is only going to teach him that if he complains enough he'll get his way which will lead to issues later in life. Worse yet, if he doesn't learn to accept change now, he may develop anxiety issues later in life. Bribe him with a new computer or car or something if you have too go that far may help.

The reality is that first couple of weeks in a new place will be scary, but he'll get over it, and will eventually make friends. Perhaps he'll be challenged in school and excel even further, possibly meet a girl. After all, girls are all over the "mysterious new stranger," according to Twilight and every 80's Teen Romance movie ever.
 
Old 05-16-2013, 02:28 PM
 
Location: The canyon (with my pistols and knife)
13,215 posts, read 17,889,053 times
Reputation: 14638
Quote:
Originally Posted by jblair0023 View Post
We are facing the very real possibility of a relocation this summer for a possible job opportunity (same state, about 2.5 hours away). My son has known for years that *someday* DH and I planned to leave this area, but he has been quite firm that he wants to graduate from his current high school (two more years of school).
Take it from somebody who had to move to a different region of the country between 10th and 11th grade: DO NOT MAKE HIM MOVE. Moving to a different part of the country right in the middle of high school screwed me up socially, psychologically and academically, and basically delayed any meaningful progress in my life for a good five or six years. Moving a teenager right in the middle of high school is about the worst thing you can do to him in those regards. Let him finish high school where you currently live, and let him live with a friend if that's what it takes. Besides, that'd teach him how to be a good roommate in college.
 
Old 05-16-2013, 04:13 PM
 
Location: MD suburbs of DC
607 posts, read 1,088,146 times
Reputation: 426
I myself had to move between middle and high school, luckily it was still within the DC area. Nonetheless it's very hard adjusting after Grade 4 or 5 (that's kind of when your social groups form and settle), as even within the same region there's a whole variety of sub-subcultures and mindsets. Unless your son has had experience with moving several times before, it will, as Gnutella said, "screw *you up socially, psychologically and academically." If it is absolutely necessary to move, then do it, but make sure you are sympathetic. If not, it would definitely benefit your son to not make him move. The one thing I have to disagree with the second option would be that class rank honestly does not matter that much anymore. High ranked schools don't even have class ranks for the most part tbh; most students are already high level so an average student in a better school are usually higher level than an average student in a worse school.
 
Old 05-16-2013, 05:10 PM
 
6,611 posts, read 6,893,878 times
Reputation: 4076
Everyone is different...a move may or may not affect him negatively, but I wouldn't leave him behind for anything. Keep the family together and help him adjust after you move (if he needs help). My family moved after I was in 10th grade and I adjusted just fine, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. I guess you won't really know until you do it.
 
Old 05-16-2013, 05:55 PM
 
Location: Minneapolis
1,704 posts, read 2,750,693 times
Reputation: 2335
You know, it varies so wildly for everyone that there just isn't a good way to answer this. I had a major move right before I turned 13, and it as extremely hard on me. I had an absolutely awful first school year, complete with bullying and major self-esteem issues, and I didn't make any real friends until well into high school. Even now I miss my first home and I wish we hadn't moved (though I did eventually warm up to Des Moines and now really enjoy it there).

But that was me, and it all had to do with where I was emotionally at the time and what my life had been like up to that point and my relationship with my parents and my personality and natural tendencies, and there are just so many variables. I know several people who have absolutely thrived after moving. One of my best friends in the world moved from Brookings, SD to a northern Chicago suburb the year after 9th grade, and it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to him. I have another friend who was new at my high school halfway through her junior year, and she happened to fall into the right group of friends and had a spectacular last year and a half.

So it's a combination of personality (and all its intricacies) and luck. It's a conversation you should have with him, as one adult talking to another. If this really is an opportunity too good to pass up, I have a feeling he might understand.
 
Old 05-16-2013, 10:54 PM
 
Location: Victory Neighborhood Minneapolis
1,806 posts, read 5,008,138 times
Reputation: 1221
He's close to being done with high school, the last full year of high school is a waste for a lot of people anyways. I moved around a fair amount growing up (not actually in high school, however)- it teaches some valuable lessons about being able to adjust and take risks which will come in handy later in life, despite how melodramatic a high schooler might get about the prospect while in the position of having to move. He'll get over it and move on, and he's at a point of needing to grow up now anyways so will likely not take too long to forgive/forget.

Plus he's old enough to drive- if it's only 2.5 hrs away, can't he drive back to see and stay with friends? And if he is smart and already knows what he wants to do in college, have you considered the PSEO option where he could finish his high school requirements and begin college coursework simultaneously? If he is worried about fitting in socially with a group of strangers that already have established friendships, starting college now might be a good alternative for him where everyone in his class will be experiencing a new educational setting, and there'd be plenty of options in the metro area.

P.S. The schools here are great but if you have a smart kid doing well in a MN school you should not be intimidated that things are on such a higher plane academically that he won't continue to do well and excel in school. Differences in school ratings (greatschools, standardized test scores, etc.) have much more to do with the socioeconomic background of the students attending (affluence/education of parents, etc.) than they have to do with differentiation of the quality or standards of a school.
 
Old 05-17-2013, 12:56 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,586 posts, read 23,126,842 times
Reputation: 48552
Quote:
Originally Posted by jblair0023 View Post
We are facing the very real possibility of a relocation this summer for a possible job opportunity (same state, about 2.5 hours away). My son has known for years that *someday* DH and I planned to leave this area, but he has been quite firm that he wants to graduate from his current high school (two more years of school). He himself isn't planning on staying where we are long term - possibly for college, but he knows the future isn't very bright here and he intends to leave... eventually.

Our plan was to look more seriously at leaving once we got him graduated and settled in college, but life has other plans. A potential opportunity has come up that we would be absolute fools to pass up - and there is a very high chance that it will happen. In my husband's very specialized field, positions like this very rarely come up at all, and when they do, they don't usually pay nearly this well.

The thing is, my son doesn't *love* his school... he has a small group of friends (that I don't particularly care for) but not that many, and he doesn't participate in extracurricular activities. The school itself just isn't very good in general. Lots of drama, extremely high class sizes (he sits on a counter in one class), and quite low Greatschools ratings. If I had my say, I'd drive him across town to the better school, but like I said, he's been pretty firm that he wants to stay here. WHAT is it about this school he likes so much? By his own admission - nothing, really! He has admitted it's all about "The Devil You Know..." It's more a fear of the unknown than a desire to actually be there.

He also doesn't have any friends that live anywhere near us, so he seldom sees any of them after school. He's mostly into computers and video games, where he plays online with his friends (therefore he would still be able to stay in contact with some of them)

The schools in the area we would be moving to, on the other hand, have excellent reputations and very high Greatschools ratings. My son gets good grades and is quite smart - advanced classes for a few things - and planning to go to college for computer programming. Even still, I'm a little concerned that his current high school has not prepared him to keep up in a school that might be far ahead of where they are!

So my options are:
1. We all go this summer and maybe he adjusts well, or maybe he absolutely hates it and hates us and falls back into the depression he was in when middle school was so terrible for him. But, he spends the rest of his childhood in a city with better schools, more income for the family, and a better area with more opportunity.

2. We maintain two residences for the next two years and he stays in the worse school, but a school he is comfortable in. Maybe he has a better chance at scholarships because maybe he's ranked higher compared to his classmates? This would really stretch our budget very very tight and it would be quite difficult to do, but I keep going back to... what if he is absolutely miserable at the new place?

We haven't even told him about the interview yet. We aren't sure if we should tell him before or wait until there is an offer and acceptance. On one hand, I'd like him to come see the area with us when we go for the interview, but on the other hand I don't want to stress him out over this before we know anything for sure.

Whew, this is getting quite long! If you've made it this far, I'm looking for feedback from anyone who has been through something like this, where your kids (particularly teen-agers) didn't want to move but had no choice. How did it turn out in the end?

Thanks!!
We moved while our children were teens. They were not thrilled but we did what was best for our whole family. Things that are good for the family, are good for us.

We did not explain anymore than that. We did not apologize. We did not "feed the move with emotion".

We told then that it would be a good thing and that we understood why they might not be happy, but that the move was happening.

Three months later - they are happy, doing well in school, and seldom speak of our former state.

Resilience is a wonderful trait for teens to adopt. Change is a constant in life. They will adjust when you stop second guessing your move.
 
Old 05-17-2013, 06:07 AM
 
1,516 posts, read 1,840,596 times
Reputation: 3121
I would not separate the family nor delay the move. I would however treat your son like an adult. Take him with you during the interview and find some fun things to do in the the new area. Take lots of pictures and talk it up. Constantly talk it up. I didn't see you mention any other children. Is it just the three of you?

I think that kids are pretty resilient. My husband was an Army brat and they moved all the time. It got harder as he got older but he still adapted. We ourselves are moving this summer. My kids have known that a move has been possible for a few years now. We took a family trip out to Dallas a few years ago and they really enjoyed it. It isn't as much a fear of the unknown. My kids are 13 and 10. They are really excited and we make sure that we talk it up.

Good luck to you and good luck with the interview.
 
Old 05-17-2013, 07:03 AM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
176 posts, read 297,579 times
Reputation: 64
He won't be happy but if he accepts it i think it will be a good experience for him. Help with gowing up. I'm 21 now but was just becoming a teenager when my parents moved me. I hated it at the time but looking back it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > General Moving Issues
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top