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So my dad might be walking out of my mom's life and my sibling's life in a year. I'd rather not get into details. He is probably going to be leaving for good. This would leave my mom to deal with two kids with mental disabilities. My brother is in an assisted living situation and my sister lives off my parent's money. I made it clear with my mom and dad that if he leaves it is his burden he is leaving behind because they are not my kids and I will not take care of them or take on that burden and to make sure I won't take on that burden I told them I will move out of state to WA and find work there. I could transfer companies easily at the place I am at. I have had to deal with my family's drama all my life and their problem keeps growing worse from not following people's advice and my advice. I feel me leaving is fair and just because they had their warnings and they did not listen.
Problem is, I feel if I move, then I plan on only visiting every five years. Should I feel bad for not visiting often? Also, I like my career now and my town now. But I will be depressed and suicidal if I feel every d*** night I have to come home and have my mom calling me for assistance with the siblings. If I move, she won't call me on and off and if she does, I can change communication methods to be more restricted. Also, moving out of the area will also get my mind off the ****. I have considered moving across the state, but I am afraid being in the state might make my mom still feel the need to call me repeatedly.
I am still hoping my dad decides against walking out on us and I pray that my mom decides to stop him because my dad was going to do it this year, but my mom delayed his decision to next year.
Do what is best for you. This is the only life you get. You are not financially responsible for your siblings. You may want to marry some day, have your own children. Taking on an incapacitated sister is too much in those circumstances.
I don't understand why your mother is calling you about your brother though. If he's in assisted living, he is being taken care of. One of the big problems parents have is long term planning for disabled children. Asking another child to give up their life to care for them should not be part of the plan. Your mom should be making arrangements for possible assisted living for your sister too.
If you're finding it too stressful to live near your parents, then, yes, do move, Would keeping your current job and moving to San Luis Obispo or Santa Margarita still be too close ? You could just use an answering machine on a phone to limit the immediate need to pick up and call back.
It sounds as if you mom is overwhelmed with her situation. Maybe you could look into respite care for your sister. That's where your sister is placed for a few days so your mom can get some down time. Or a care giver comes into the home to care for her and mom gets to get away for a little bit. Either that or your mom is so wrapped up in your siblings that she can see nothing else which is not healthy for her.
Sometimes you just have to set firm boundaries with parents. They have to lose the expectation that you will be at their beck and call. That means telling your mom that unless it's an emergency you'll talk to her once a week or once every two weeks. And stick with it.
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However, if you think it's not going to work- you know your family best, then move a long distance away. Come back to visit when you like. Live your life. It's OK to do that. It's the normal thing to do. Toxic situations are no helpful to anyone's life, it's OK to avoid them. Good luck
I am sorry about your family issues. Since you have not gone into detail and I can understand why I am basing my comment on what you have said and some experience. I had in the past because of their mental issues and other issues with a couple family members put a wall so to speak up. I could not visit them because it was not a healthy situation mentally for me to be in. I got so upset and angry by them with every conversation and time together that for me to be able to cope I had to set healthy boundaries. I had tried though many times in the past to make things work but nothing changed and though I do feel I made my own mistakes in our relationship etc I was willing to say that and try to work things out for the better and they were not. I am not sure if I making sense since I am vague too about my issues.
What I will say though is yes having distance can help the problems can still follow you. You can't turn your mind,worries,and emotion off and I don't want to see you let down if you still feel similar just in a different state.
As for the issue about every 5 years visiting could you just take one step at a time. You dont have to set a time frame now if you move. You may feel very different in 6 months or a year or things with your family can feel different
Also have you treid to sit your family down and in a calm manner state how you feel and your anger etc?
So my dad might be walking out of my mom's life and my sibling's life in a year. I'd rather not get into details. He is probably going to be leaving for good. This would leave my mom to deal with two kids with mental disabilities. My brother is in an assisted living situation and my sister lives off my parent's money. I made it clear with my mom and dad that if he leaves it is his burden he is leaving behind because they are not my kids and I will not take care of them or take on that burden and to make sure I won't take on that burden I told them I will move out of state to WA and find work there. I could transfer companies easily at the place I am at. I have had to deal with my family's drama all my life and their problem keeps growing worse from not following people's advice and my advice. I feel me leaving is fair and just because they had their warnings and they did not listen.
Problem is, I feel if I move, then I plan on only visiting every five years. Should I feel bad for not visiting often? Also, I like my career now and my town now. But I will be depressed and suicidal if I feel every d*** night I have to come home and have my mom calling me for assistance with the siblings. If I move, she won't call me on and off and if she does, I can change communication methods to be more restricted. Also, moving out of the area will also get my mind off the ****. I have considered moving across the state, but I am afraid being in the state might make my mom still feel the need to call me repeatedly.
I am still hoping my dad decides against walking out on us and I pray that my mom decides to stop him because my dad was going to do it this year, but my mom delayed his decision to next year.
Thanks for the help.
Regards,
the city
Live your life how you want to live it and stay out of your parents marriage and let them tend to it themselves. Honestly, if your dad was going to leave he would already be gone and would not have delayed his leaving for one year, that makes no sense at all.
You can't run away from your problems. Not saying you shouldn't move, but your family is your family and they'll be your family with all their host of problems no matter where you live. I don't think you should feel in any way responsible to support your siblings financially. That is the job of your parents. There are definitely a few in my family who never take good advice, then except others in the family to bail them out when they get into trouble. After awhile you just stop giving advice and stop feeling sorry for them when they shoot themselves in the foot.
I'd suggest that you try to get both your parents to meet with a social worker and develop a long term care plan for your siblings. And it would not be bad for you to go too as someday you may need to know the plan after your parents are gone.
You parents do not have to be 'together' to work together on a plan. The plan should allow for the continued care for your siblings with you, your mom and your dad as non-primary care givers--just relatives who may call or send a note or visit on occasion.
In Ca there are tons of group homes, and living arrangements. I am not sure of her age, but for your sister there may be options like David and Margaret who offers living arrangements on their beautiful estate, and then transition the girls into other living arrangements if they are able. Their website is : David & Margaret Youth and Family Services
There is no reason you should have to leave, nor that your parents should be spending their lives working through this by themselves. There are many options in CA.
If you are out of the picture, they will have to figure it out without depending on you, which is what it sounds like you want to happen. It also sounds like it won't happen if you stay there.
So, although in theory you could stay there and be strong and not answer the phone and keep saying no, etc., it will be exhausting in my opinion. I may be projecting my dysfunctional family into your situation, but I had to move far away to learn how to separate myself from my family.
I was the oldest of 4, and my sister once told me that when I left at 18 yrs old, the family fell apart. Can you imagine? An 18 year old kid keeping a family of 6 together? Including the parents? Whew!
I still let them involve me over the phone for many years after I left, but that was still better. They couldn't guilt me into coming over and "fixing" things. Eventually, I cut the phone drama out, too.
Believe it or not what helped me a great deal in learning what my responsibility was as opposed to my family member's responsibilities, was Al-Anon. I went because I'd married an alcoholic, but what they teach about not taking on other people's responsibilities was spot-on and really helped.
Sometimes you have to let someone fall on their face so they can find their own two feet.
You may want to just tell them like it is.Otherwise you'll feel quilty if you just move.
Its best to let them know your feelings and stick to your decision. Just stay away for awhile and don't answer the phone,tell them you need time to yourself. You have a right to your own life.
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