Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sometimes a move is strategic, move for better opportunity, higher pay, so you can move back closer to family with more skills. And justify higher pay.
He doesn't want to be the only breadwinner.
So, if his wife cant find a job, then what?
She will be miserable, they will argue, the kids will
be in daycare.
Not a good situation.
If he moves, and she does find a job, can she afford to pay daycare
on what she makes?
Mabey the parents are helping them up financially where they are, by
providing free daycare.
Day care is very expensive.
If he were my son, I would just inform him of all of the options.
Have him think it out carefully.
Then he can make an informed decision, knowing the cost of daycare,
his wife mabey not finding a job right away, and the luxury of spending
time alone together and leaving the kids with grandmom.
But the decision has to be their decision.
That way, if it doesn't work out and they have to move back,
they were the decision makers, not family and friends.
We did it, moved with our then two year old, only grandson on both sides, for my husband's job, a 2.5 hour flight away. We lived five minutes away from my parents, so we were so spoiled with help, and both grandparents were sooo close and involved with DS and of course it devastated all of us, especially my dad, him and DS just adore each other to bits. I was always very close with my family too and never lived far from them. It broke my heart to move away. But we were kind of backed into a corner and didn't have too much choice. Lived in a VERY expensive city where the salaries and career opportunities weren't nearly up to par with the prices, we couldn't afford to buy a decent place or even a new car, weren't saving much at all, and I was a sahm with a degree in a low-paying field where daycare would be eating up all my salary if I worked. Then DH got an offer with one of the world's leading companies, doubling his pay, so of course we couldn't pass it up - even though it wa SO tempting to say 'screw the money, family is more important', I knew I didn't really have a say in this. It's been almost two years now and we're surviving okay, me and DS go back and visit often, we skype every night. It's not the same of course, and the grandparents are missing out on a lot of changes in DS at this age, but overall I'm glad we did it, we're saving up a good chunk of money and DH is much more relaxed and confident in his ability as a provider. The scenario you described is different of course; if the husband doesn't want the wife to stay home, they would need to consider her ability to find work there, and of course the overall career gains long-term would need to be worth it, imo.
My husband's first wife left him when he was transferred away from her family. She spent evert waking moment with her sisters and parents. Obviously, a spouse needed to commit to that lifestyle.
My kids live all over, none have kids yet, but I am not the type of Grandmother that would do daycare and bake cookies and want the kid every weekend. Christmas is fine.
I have mixed feelings about this topic, being from a military family where EVERYONE ALWAYS moves away, sometimes to foreign countries in fact, going back several generations.
It depends on the personalities in the mix - that's why there's no "one answer fits all." It also depends on the area a family is leaving, and the area they're considering going to. For instance, I have two daughters who are married and have kids - my adorable, perfect grandchildren who I LOVE madly! They live in Guam and in England. I only get to see them about once a year. Prior to these moves this past year, they lived in Colorado, Idaho, five hours away in Texas, an hour away in Louisiana, and Virginia.
So other than the blissful year and a half that one daughter lived an hour away, I've only been able to see my grandkids on vacations a few times a year, for a few days at a time. And no, I don't like that! And these precious kids don't like that part of it either - thank goodness for Skype and Facebook and snail mail for all those MiMi packages.
But look what they're experiencing! Travel, new places, new experiences, new friends, different cities and countries and lifestyles. As a child, my parents moved us all over the world as well, and though I am sure I missed out on some family bonding, I wouldn't have traded that lifestyle for any other. I loved the new adventures and challenges. But then, I've known kids and spouses who didn't...so there you have it. (Two of us three kids in my family liked it - the youngest never did, but then he's got some mental health issues unrelated to that lifestyle anyway, so I wouldn't go by his take on it.)
I think it can be very healthy to move away from home. Besides that, they're five hours away, not fifteen. That's easily traversed on a Friday night and then back home again on a Sunday night. My gosh, our family is so mobile that when one of my daughters moved "just" five hours away, I thought I was in paradise! We got together on holidays, long weekends, you name it, and it was great. (I also have a son who currently lives five hours from me in Austin, and we get together about once a quarter as well - he's single, no kids, so I think I'm lucky to see him THAT often!)
My biggest concern would be the five month old going to daycare. That will be the hardest adjustment and the one that would give me the most pause. But like others have said, kids survive and thrive in daycare. Still...if they don't HAVE to be put in daycare, I see no compelling reason to force the issue. Not at that age.
ONLY because that's part of the equation, I lean toward the couple you're describing staying put for a few more years. It sounds like they're comfortable where they are, and he's got a long time to build a career.
Of course, if the father in the OP's scenario can bring in enough income for Mom to stay home with the kids for a few years, that's even BETTER! Of course, that's just my opinion, but that's what the OP asked for. If that's an option, heck, I'd pack my bags and move in a New York second, if the area we'd be moving to was appealing from a cultural/cost of living/amenities standpoint.
We have always lived in the same city as our families but when my husband graduated from college we had to move to further his career. Our parents were unhappy at first because we were taking their only granddaughter away from them. She was three at the time. It took some time getting adjusted to the separation because I am really close to my mom. Now it isn't so bad. We get to see each other two times at year and with Skype and Facetime we get to see each other. Plus we always meet halfway and let our daughter spend two weeks with her grandparents during the summer.
Sometimes you have to do what's best for your family and if that includes moving far away then so be it. I think it has helped us grow up more and learn to depend on each other rather than mom and dad. Like Kathy said it really all depends on the situation
We've done it. Actually, since 2008, we have moved 3 times (really 5 but 2 times it was within the same city) to different states for my DH's career. Each time there was an adjustment for me, a SAHM, but the kids were still young (they are now 6, 4, 1.5 yrs old). Although tough at times, all of those moves helped us prioritize what was important to us. In the end, it was family - OUR family - not the extended family. We live in TX and DH's Mom is in NC and my parents are in OK.
The thing is, the OP uses his young age to argue against it, but IMO, it's his age that makes all of this worthwhile. He is still young enough to try this and see if he likes it. If not, go back. No big deal. Plus, I am all for family helping but at some point, you have to learn how to do this - live life and be responsible for your life - on your own.
Also, if he is doubling or tripling his salary, then why does he care if his wife stays at home. That doesn't make sense. If she wants to stay home AND he is doubling his pay, why shouldn't she?
The grandparents take care of the children. No pay - just out of love. The children, especially the 5 year old, is the happiest, unspoiled child I've seen in a while. She is a sweetheart.
I know he asked me as he thinks of me as an aunt. He wanted to know what I would have done 25-30 years ago.
The happiest families I know today are the ones who placed their value on family time, maybe didn't have the most expensive home and lived within their means. They seem to be the ones whose children are making good choices - getting married themselves and starting their own families.
This young man is an only child - his parents are super people. My husband is also an only child. So, we talked about that aspect as well.
He has only been out of college 1 year and at this job about 9 months. He has a lot ahead of him. He has a good support system here and if they left, that would not exist. He would still want his wife to work.
Looking back on my own life, there were times I went with the money; I should have chosen family.
My view: Family first.
I wanted others' views though.
Thanks!
DH and I have moved every 4 years or so. We are a Military family and while no move is easy, the emphasis has been placed on our immediate family staying close and doing things as a little family unit together. I can understand wanting to stay put and not make a move but, it's only five hours away? It's not overseas and it's certainly not across the country. I can't imagine not taking a work promotion that increased my income because you didn't want to move. But then again, we are used to it so I come at this from a different perspective. I do understand the viewpoint on staying close to extended family and that is a pretty sweet gig they have if Grandparents are able and willing to watch the kiddos free of charge. (I wish I had that option sometimes) But they are young and he may not have this opportunity come again. He and his wife need to sit down and discuss all their options and decide if this will better their lives or not.
There are times that I wish I lived close to extended family, and admittedly, after 17 years of giving up my life and family to the US Government I'm getting to the point of fatigue. But even though we are nearing DH's retirement, there will be no moving "home" for us since we will still have to go where he can find a job.
We have always lived in the same city as our families but when my husband graduated from college we had to move to further his career. Our parents were unhappy at first because we were taking their only granddaughter away from them. She was three at the time. It took some time getting adjusted to the separation because I am really close to my mom. Now it isn't so bad. We get to see each other two times at year and with Skype and Facetime we get to see each other. Plus we always meet halfway and let our daughter spend two weeks with her grandparents during the summer.
Sometimes you have to do what's best for your family and if that includes moving far away then so be it. I think it has helped us grow up more and learn to depend on each other rather than mom and dad. Like Kathy said it really all depends on the situation
This mindset frustrates the hell out of me. Yes, they are their grandchildren. But they are YOUR children to do with as you see fit. They don't get a say in those kinds of decisions.
Also, if he is doubling or tripling his salary, then why does he care if his wife stays at home. That doesn't make sense. If she wants to stay home AND he is doubling his pay, why shouldn't she?
That's what didn't make sense to me, either.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
