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Old 04-12-2014, 11:49 AM
 
7 posts, read 6,802 times
Reputation: 10

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Hi folks,

I'm running into a bit if a problem and was wondering if anyone had experienced something similar. Really looking for some advice.

My fiance and I both met in college and moved to different states after graduation. We've been doing long distance for the past 3 years or so and We're planning to get married in about a year.

He just got his dream job offer and is trying to convince me to move from Pennsylvania where I've been since college all the way to Seattle after we get married so he can take the job. His family is also out west and he grew up there.

The hitch is that I have no friends or family out west and the job he wants to take is for the government and pays half as much as my current job. I could keep my job after I put in for a transfer but it would mean I would constantly be on the road during the week and travel to see my clients which would be all the way back east. Basically I'm terrified of leaving my friends and family which is isolating and traveling all the time for work now which will be tiring....all the whole being the one who makes more to support us.

I love him and I know it's his dream job and his family is out there....but need some advice because saying no might be selfish...even though it feels like I'm making all the sacrifices here. Comments welcome.
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:07 PM
 
Location: TOVCCA
8,452 posts, read 11,363,601 times
Reputation: 12302
Since you have a year to decide, maybe you should spend some time with a good Marriage & Family Therapist to sort out your feelings.
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:12 PM
 
525 posts, read 505,661 times
Reputation: 493
Do you intend on taking a leave from your job at any point to raise a family? Is a full time career more important to you than your future husband and his "dream job"?
Being terrified to leave is very understandable. I know exactly what you mean BUT what would make you happier - staying where you are and possibly either breaking up or taking this "dream job" away from your fiance - (something for which you might never be forgiven) or taking that chance and going out west?
Who knows, your family may like it so much out west that they may decide to relocate too!
You must follow your heart on this one because you are the only one who really can judge the way you feel.
Good luck with your decision!
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Old 04-13-2014, 01:57 AM
 
1,350 posts, read 1,869,873 times
Reputation: 1162
Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelTba View Post
Hi folks,

I'm running into a bit if a problem and was wondering if anyone had experienced something similar. Really looking for some advice.

My fiance and I both met in college and moved to different states after graduation. We've been doing long distance for the past 3 years or so and We're planning to get married in about a year.

He just got his dream job offer and is trying to convince me to move from Pennsylvania where I've been since college all the way to Seattle after we get married so he can take the job. His family is also out west and he grew up there.

The hitch is that I have no friends or family out west and the job he wants to take is for the government and pays half as much as my current job. I could keep my job after I put in for a transfer but it would mean I would constantly be on the road during the week and travel to see my clients which would be all the way back east. Basically I'm terrified of leaving my friends and family which is isolating and traveling all the time for work now which will be tiring....all the whole being the one who makes more to support us.

I love him and I know it's his dream job and his family is out there....but need some advice because saying no might be selfish...even though it feels like I'm making all the sacrifices here. Comments welcome.
In a previous job, I spoke with lots of people who made the decision to move across country for a fiance/e or partner.

Bottom line: it doesn't matter if it sounds "selfish" ... you have the right to question this move, especially since you would essentially be financially tied to someone who has no legal obligation to support you. When you also consider the fact that you would be away from your support center, I have one question for you:

What are your reasons for even considering this?

Make a list of the pros and cons of this move, and work it out for yourself. I will say this: if you make more than he does, and you are living in a state with a lower COL than Seattle (which is likely considering you live in PA), then I have to wonder why YOU would be the one expected to support your fiance (who has not even married you and has no legal obligations toward you) AND travel cross-country on a regular basis. That sounds like a tremendous burden to put on one half of the partnership.

Choose wisely.
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Old 04-13-2014, 07:04 AM
 
Location: Florida
4,496 posts, read 3,879,090 times
Reputation: 9875
First bit of advice: once you get married you're going to have new friends anyway. That cliché about how single people and married people don't mix - very true. You're going to have a whole new married life very different from the life you have now.

But...

I wouldn't consider moving anywhere until I was actually married.

Have you looked into the job market where he wants to live? Perhaps you could do as well in that area as you are doing in PA - or even better.

But if that's not the case then you need to point out the reality of the financial situation to him. If you two are going to be married you should sit down and talk realistically about finances. Sure, it's boring - but one of the big issues couples have is unrealistic ideas on money. Make a mock up budget based on who is making what $$ and how much the expected expenses are going to be.

Dreams jobs area great - IF they pay the bills.
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Old 04-14-2014, 08:47 AM
 
Location: Des Moines Metro
5,045 posts, read 5,964,254 times
Reputation: 9424
Quote:
Originally Posted by kab0906 View Post
I wouldn't consider moving anywhere until I was actually married.
Yes. No ceremony, no move. I can fill several screens with sad stories that happened to friends and relatives.

It's one thing if you want to go there and go to grad school or have something lined up, but given today's economy, it's not a sensible idea just to move blindly, no matter how "in love" you are.

If you throw caution to the wind and go, have a secret savings account, an exit plan so that you're not stranded there.
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Old 04-14-2014, 10:01 AM
 
4,013 posts, read 7,653,187 times
Reputation: 3505
You have an opportunity to escap Pensyltucky and be with the man you love, you go for it!!!!.
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Old 04-14-2014, 10:05 AM
 
7,281 posts, read 8,835,592 times
Reputation: 11419
OP, Don't do it. You are making yourself a lesser value to the relationship. While there is always give and take, in this case you are giving up before the marriage, not just in financial security but family as well.

Think long and hard and for that time, keep emotions out of it. There is far more to marriage than pure emotions.

Emotional considerations are one thing but anything else is business, it will come down to that. Separate the two and then decide.

If love conquers all, do not be the one conquered.
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Old 04-14-2014, 10:25 AM
 
12,581 posts, read 13,988,350 times
Reputation: 34466
It seems painfully simply, each one of you is attached to their dream job and family and wants the other to accommodate them.

If you are living far apart, I would imagine that counselling would be difficult; but I see this as a potential deal-breaker otherwise. I certainly would NEVER recommend marriage first and moving decision later to either one of you. If the two of you cannot reach a decision that you can live with BEFORE marriage, then time for both of you to move on.
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Old 04-14-2014, 01:31 PM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
2,533 posts, read 3,941,774 times
Reputation: 2816
I moved to Seattle from the east coast... Been here 3 years and my family is still 2800 miles away in NY and GA.

You'll love this area if you can bring yourself to biting the bullet.

I will NEVER move back east. This area is a great place to work and live with a mild climate year round.
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