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I'm struggling here and figure I'll lay this out for strangers as you have no vested interest in what my family does. My mother is going to be very upset that my husband and I want to relocate. I'll lay out both sides of the issue, our perspective and hers (because I know her and what she will say).
I've lived in one city my entire life (I'm early 40's). I've always hated it here because of lack of weather and It's really hot here. But my husband and I got married and started raising a family here because COL is dirt cheap, he's got an extremely secure job, good retirement options and we were close to both sets of parents. Here is in New Mexico.
Fast forward to 14 years later and 2 kids. Both kids have had serious medical issues. Our oldest had leukemia (diagnosed at 5) and she's a survivor now. Our youngest has cerebral palsy, epilepsy, and vision issues. While our oldest made it through the battle, she suffers PTSD from a very rough 2 1/2 years of treatment. Our youngest has been unable to get good quality medical care in our state and we've even traveled across the country to see specialists just to get him the help he needs. The school system is not working for him despite our involvement.
After much discussion and research my husband and I have come to the conclusion we need to move to get better medical care for our youngest and better quality education for both. While both have medical issues they have been tested as gifted and need more science (we have none in our schools). In addition, it is difficult for all of us to live in a house where so many painful memories were created (diagnosis, medical procedures, quarantine during chemo). My daughter still hates sleeping in her room. A very small plus for me is I will finally get to leave this place and find a bit more weather but that is not our driving motivation, kind of just a side benefit.
Due to medical bills we are currently in debt but have developed a plan to get out of it in 1-2 years time, where after we will relocate. We have no plans to go until debt is paid which is unfortunate as youngest needs better care but we want to make a successful move.
So, My husband and I feel we need this change and have found an area that has better medical, education and is still within 6 hours of our parents (the kids grandparents)-colorado. My husband has a strong job lead there that he will pursue as we get closer. We are fine if either set of folks want to follow and relocate but it's their choice.
My mother will be upset. She love Albuquerque and wants us here. She will say we won't get out what we put into this house. We've done upgrades but she's right we probably won't. She'll say we are in too much debt to move. Again, we are working on it. She will say it's a stupid move financially because we will probably lose money on the house and my husband will leave a secure job with a better retirement plan (but still is going to another government job just retirement plan isn't as good). These are probably true things.
But we need more help for our son. He is falling through the cracks here. And my daughter needs some better after Cancer care as she's struggling emotionally. We've found resources up north that actually interact with the national specialists we've gone to see. That does not happen in our current location.
It's a big decision and I still get very nervous about it. I'm worried her criticism will make me question everything. And I've researched. A lot. Ive read through so many post on our new states forum, ive messaged people who live there, I've called specialists up there, I've contacted schools. I've checked out neighborhoods. Husband and I are planning several trips to check things out. And I still have a year or two to continue to research. We don't need perfect, we just need better.
I guess I'm asking if our reasons for relocating seems solid or sounds flaky. Because I know I'm going to be called flighty and irresponsible for wanted to do this.
What better reason could you have for moving than your children's health and education? However, it sounds like you have to work on "cutting the apron strings" and dealing with guilt issues where your mom is concerned. In the long run it might end up being a mistake but if it is it's what you and your husband chose and you'll find a way to fix it.
Hope everything works out for you and your family
^^ What Blessed said. I know you don't want to upset/disappoint your mother, but since you're a mother yourself now, your responsibility to do the best you can for your children trumps that.
Every move is a risk, but as long as you get your finances in order beforehand (try to eliminate as much personal debt as you can, as quickly as possible), your risks will be minimized. Do what you and your husband feel is best for your family. 6 hours isn't like you'd be on opposite coasts. Older people tend to be content with the status quo so your move might upset the apple cart for your mom, but she'll get over it. We recently sold our home and moved a couple states west to follow our youngest and his family and it has proven to be a good decision...no more barn of a house that was way too big for us to maintain and easy access to our grandson. Maybe your mother might decide that would be a good decision for her, eventually.
First off, I am so sorry that your family has went through what you have and if anybody ever received a break, it is your family! We have a son with Down syndrome and I realize all too well why school programs and decent medical services are so important.
Your first obligation is to your yourself, your husband and the children. I can sort of tell that your mother is controlling and if she opposes the move, selfish. I would think, myself being a grandmother, that she would put the needs of the kids above her need to control. Because she is this way, it will do you a world of good to move away from her.
Make a list of the pros and cons of your move and give it to her. Tell her that you have researched this and this is what you are going to do and it is not up for discussion. If she determined to discuss it, change the subject and if that doesn't work, tell you love her and leave. You'll need to be firm. You are grown up with responsibilities and keeping your mom happy isn't one of them especially when it is at the expense of your children.
So, yes, definitely your reasons are good reasons for moving. It looks to me like you have all bases covered as you have done more research than most bother with. Cut the apron strings.
Colorado is not that far. Just keep telling the relatives that they can visit.
Don't move before you or your husband has a firm job offer.
Also look into Minnesota if he can't seem to get a job in Colorado. The Mayo Clinic system is excellent, and you'll find other good resources, as well. But I won't lie: the winters are pretty tough, especially after living in NM.
I agree with all the other posts here. When the well being of our children is at risk, and their medical and emotional issues are not addressed, we are not being responsible parents. You know in your heart (and in your head) what has to be done. Don't let others influence your decision. Only you and your husband know what's best for your children and for your family as a whole. Continuing to delay a move may negatively impact your kids. Our parents and friends mean well, but they don't always "get it". Have confidence in your decision and move forward. Wishing you the best.
Thank you all so much. I appreciate the feedback. For whatever reason, my parent's opinions still matter to me. But I am a parent and need to do what's best for my children.
I also agree that your reasons for wanting to move are good ones. You've also really done your homework and it's not an impulsive decision. So, your only real issue is your mom.
What helped me in dealing with my folks (which I also didn't do effectively until in my 40's), was learn some techniques with how to handle the conversations I anticipated.
One technique is broken record. You don't explain or defend, you simply repeat yourself. And when you see the conversation going off topic, such as veering off into kids needing to get over being in their own rooms or whatever she'll veer you off into - you keep bringing the topic back on track.
For instance, you just keep saying, "Mom, I know you disagree, but we've thought long and hard and done a lot of research and our decision is final. We won't be that far away, and you're welcome to come visit anytime." Rinse, repeat, over and over and over again until she gives up trying to veer you off topic.
And remember, that your parents were once the children, too, who had to cut ties with their parents. It's your turn. You are now the adults in your family with your own children. Your parents are now peripheral to your family, which doesn't mean you don't love them, it just means they are peripheral now to your family core.
Just be advised that the COL in Denver in extremely high relative to what you're experiencing right now. And I presume you are considering moving to the Denver metro, because, frankly, there is nowhere else in Colorado that is going to have the medical and social resources you need.
Rents for a 2 bedroom apartment in Denver metro are upwards of $1,500 and that will get you acceptable, not great.
Home prices in the suburban areas will be at least in the mid $300s. Again, okay, but not great places. If you research the Denver forum, you will regularly see people advising newcomers who want an economical suburban location to expect prices at, or near, $400K and above to be on the safe side.
Just be advised that the COL in Denver in extremely high relative to what you're experiencing right now. And I presume you are considering moving to the Denver metro, because, frankly, there is nowhere else in Colorado that is going to have the medical and social resources you need.
Rents for a 2 bedroom apartment in Denver metro are upwards of $1,500 and that will get you acceptable, not great.
Home prices in the suburban areas will be at least in the mid $300s. Again, okay, but not great places. If you research the Denver forum, you will regularly see people advising newcomers who want an economical suburban location to expect prices at, or near, $400K and above to be on the safe side.
That's why the OP should look at Colorado Springs. Lower cost of living, great amenities and easy access to everything Denver has to offer. It's very family oriented and the District 20 schools are outstanding.
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