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Old 12-11-2015, 09:31 AM
 
12 posts, read 8,778 times
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Long story short, girlfriend got a dream job halfway across the country and has to move. We're both from the same metro area and have been here all or most (I left for a year of college but got homesick/didn't like my school) of our lives. We're in our mid-30s, no kids. I like the area she's moving to well enough, but I don't really want to leave here. She takes that as me being unsupportive, even when I suggested we move there for a while (or do distance, depending on my job situation) and then try to come back here. Most of my friends and hers are here, and my parents are 45 minutes away. Her's are across the country in the other direction. I want to be supportive and be willing to move with her, but I'm finding it harder to leave than I thought. Any guidance?

One extra note: We were about to move to my hometown because of her job, and finally move in together, but then this offer came along. I know she doesn't want to move for any reason but the job -- it's not like she wanted a change or got tired of our crappy weather or anything like that. Thoughts?

 
Old 12-11-2015, 10:00 AM
 
Location: Des Moines Metro
5,045 posts, read 5,966,482 times
Reputation: 9424
This is another one of those situations where it pays to have some face-to-face chats with people who know you (and her) well, rather than strangers on the internet.

In general, such moves rarely work out, unless both partners have work lined up or really want to live there. Since you have cold feet, that indicates one or more problems that need your attention before you move.
 
Old 12-11-2015, 10:57 AM
 
12 posts, read 8,778 times
Reputation: 15
Yeah, I think the issue is I simply feel a little more connected to our city, and I've had more time outside of work (she works crazier hours) to get involved in social things that she's not into and volunteer work with my career, so that makes it harder for me. She doesn't want to leave here, either, but feels she can't turn the job down (don't blame her, the salary and benefits and advancement potential are all great,and she wouldn't leave here if they weren't), and I understand that. I have no compunction about living with her wherever that is, but I also really love my city and want to stay. I just want to figure out how to navigate that -- will I be resentful or homesick if I leave? Will she be homesick? Will we make a plan to come back in a year or two or just play it by ear? That's what we're trying to navigate.
 
Old 12-11-2015, 11:01 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 40,013,554 times
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If you do not want to move then do not move.
If you do move and do not really want to you will eventually cause both of you to be miserable.
 
Old 12-11-2015, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Des Moines Metro
5,045 posts, read 5,966,482 times
Reputation: 9424
Quote:
Originally Posted by hstang99 View Post
She doesn't want to leave here, either, but feels she can't turn the job down (don't blame her, the salary and benefits and advancement potential are all great,and she wouldn't leave here if they weren't),
Again, get more feedback, but from what I've seen over the years, don't move. Let her move, if she wants. She could get fired or decide to quit, and then you're stuck. If you're married, it would be one thing, but you aren't.

You could also let her move and see what happens in a year. She may get fired or quit.

In general, it's a bad idea to leave somewhere that's working out.
 
Old 12-11-2015, 01:14 PM
 
12 posts, read 8,778 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
If you do not want to move then do not move.
If you do move and do not really want to you will eventually cause both of you to be miserable.
So what's the other option? Distance relationship? I'd be OK with that but it's not ideal. Like I said, it's all about the job -- it's a dream offer for her. So I can't stand in the way of that.
 
Old 12-11-2015, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Florida
4,496 posts, read 3,880,628 times
Reputation: 9880
There are two issues here: your relationship now and your future plans. It really has less to do with jobs and locations than resolving these.

You both need to sit down and have a long and uncomfortable discussion about how committed you are to each other and what you want and expect from yourself and each other. This will lead to what work means, career goals, and where you want to be in the near and far future.

Last edited by kab0906; 12-11-2015 at 02:15 PM.. Reason: Typo
 
Old 12-11-2015, 02:07 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
11,368 posts, read 20,163,370 times
Reputation: 16339
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/
 
Old 12-11-2015, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,876 posts, read 2,366,332 times
Reputation: 5326
Quote:
Originally Posted by hstang99 View Post
So what's the other option? Distance relationship? I'd be OK with that but it's not ideal. Like I said, it's all about the job -- it's a dream offer for her. So I can't stand in the way of that.
Well, maybe sit down with your GF and try to work it out. Maybe she can move to new location..start new job and see how ell she like's the new location before you pull up stakes ( so to speak).

Given the advent of electronics today..long distance contact is no where near as difficult. She can have FaceTime on her electronic device..She can give you a full description of the lifestyle where her new job is. For all you know..she may hate it and decide to come back home...???So there's time for you to adjust to the idea of moving away from "Home"...

It seems funny to me that someone of your age would feel so "Homesick". I think at your age with no children demands on your life you would want to be with your special gal?? "Home is where the Heart is, no?" So if you feel more connected with your "location" then you do your girlfriend..then just maybe your heart isn't in any move away from your perceived "Safe Zone".."Zone of Comfort and Social Environment"

Having said all that~~ It comes down to YOU and her having a truly open convo surrounding this situation. Moving that far from home-base is one of life's huge decision that affect your life..so talk to parents, friends as stranger's advising could be counterproductive for you..

Best of Luck...Hope you don't get rushed into a decision because it's often traumatic if you really end up halfway across the country feeling lonely and resentful towards your GF may surface...This is why she could go..get settled and would also give you more time to learn what life where you are now WITHOUT her there is like...Just a thought..
 
Old 12-11-2015, 03:03 PM
 
12 posts, read 8,778 times
Reputation: 15
Thanks Lyndarn. She was already working there as a consultant so we have a taste of what it was like being apart, and I traveled a lot in the past, so I think we can handle it, but we will see. I think talking goals is the key.
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