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Old 03-03-2016, 10:04 PM
Location: Red Sox Nation
667 posts, read 2,457,021 times
Reputation: 438


Hello. I'm looking for a little objective advice. 16 years ago my husband and I moved from Southern CA (where we grew up) to the Boston area, thinking we would be there maybe 5 years or so and then go back. It was just the two of us. We were looking for an adventure, and it was a good career move for my husband. 16 years later we are still here and our families are still out there. My husband is in the process of obtaining a good job offer (pretty on par with the position he has now) that would return us to CA, specifically the Bay Area, where my brother in law and his family live. Here is our struggle. We have a nice home West of Boston, in a quaint small town, with great public schools, low crime, and many wonderful friends we have known for years. We have 2 middle schoolers, who are well adjusted, have many very close friends they have known since preschool, and they are involved in lots of activities like AAU baseball, field hockey, travel basketball etc. My daughter is even in a girl's rock band, which she loves. They adore their school, their home, their friends, and MA. This is all they know. However, they are 3,000 miles away from their only set of grandparents, their aunts, uncles and cousins. I miss my family out West. Winters here in MA can be rough, and holidays can be a lonely. However, moving back to CA would involve a significant increase in living expenses, specifically housing. We would also be taking the kids away from the only home they ever knew, and friends and activities they love dearly. But, they would have their family in their life (although, at this point they don't see them very much or feel closely connected to them). My husband and I have talked over the years about the possibility of returning "home" but now that it is a real possibility I feel like my heart is breaking into pieces. We have made MA our "home" too. We need to make a decision by next week. Any advice would be appreciated. I should add that my husband doesn't have to take this job, he is doing fine here. We see it as an opportunity to go back to CA. This might be our last chance before the kids start high school. Once they do that, I think it might be a little late to consider moving. Thanks for reading.
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Old 03-04-2016, 06:59 AM
Location: Indianapolis
104 posts, read 120,897 times
Reputation: 251
That's a tough one! You guys may have to bite the bullet on this one and stay. I moved many times and my main regret was not settling down any roots. Looks like you guys have roots there in Mass and you have to let them grow. It also sounds like the kids are pretty involved in stuff there and they might already have picked up some of that Boston accent (LOL). If you can, you can try and plan vacations and Skype and Facebook (which I'm almost sure you're doing). It's tough being in your position. Believe me I am there.
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Old 03-04-2016, 08:36 AM
4,787 posts, read 9,246,664 times
Reputation: 12632
What's your housing going to be in the Bay area ? After you sell your home in the Boston area what would you be able to afford in CA ? Are you going to go from a good sized home on a roomy lot to a several hundred thousand dollar plus, 1200 square foot, two bedroom place on a 50' x100' lot?

Lots to consider. Your kids seem rooted in Boston. That's a very tough age to move them. Possibly consider staying put until they are in college and then when they are in college and out of the house move back to CA

Last edited by willow wind; 03-04-2016 at 09:46 AM..
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Old 03-04-2016, 09:28 AM
1,431 posts, read 1,110,489 times
Reputation: 4792
My husband is from TN and I'm from NY we live in the Midwest so I understand your feelings and we have struggled with the same decision in the past. After a lot of sleepless nights we made the decision to stay where we are. The cost of living is much less then either of our hometowns, we have a nice home and a very nice enjoyable life. At the end of the day the old saying "you can't go home again" is true the places and the people change not to mention that we aren't the same people who left our hometowns 20 years ago. We also realized that our children are home. That our hometowns are just places they visit it's not home to them. It wasn't a easy decision because in the back of my mind I always thought I would live in NY again but here I am several years later and I know we made the right decision. It was a very emotional time for me it felt like I was giving up on a dream. I visit NY and my family visits here, we talk on the phone,email and text. Send pictures, Skype etc. we make it work. Good Luck whatever you decide.
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Old 03-04-2016, 09:39 AM
Location: Des Moines Metro
5,046 posts, read 5,959,698 times
Reputation: 9419
The schools are better where you are. Stay put for now. Consider relocation again when your children are in college.
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Old 03-04-2016, 11:50 AM
Location: Jamestown, NY
7,841 posts, read 7,293,414 times
Reputation: 13779
I'm going to concur with the rest here that you should probably stay. Since your kids aren't that close with your family now, there's absolutely no guarantee that they'll get closer because you move there. Because of where they live and where you might live, you might not actually see all that much of your family for your children to make much connection with them anyways. Moreover, friends are already becoming much more important in middle schoolers' lives than any family outside of their parents and siblings.
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Old 03-04-2016, 12:00 PM
Location: Prescott AZ
6,096 posts, read 9,016,816 times
Reputation: 11450
Why not just plan your vacations in SF for Christmas, July, and maybe one other holiday and then you will feel less lonely. I always thought I had to have family around me for every holiday and then I realized many many people don't, and it works out just fine.

I would stay in Boston, especially for the kids sake. And so much culture and stuff there education wise. I am jealous !! JMHO
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Old 03-04-2016, 12:09 PM
Location: Wisconsin
16,874 posts, read 17,190,006 times
Reputation: 40746
Keep in mind that it is your home not your kids' home. They will probably consider it move away from home.
Stay where you are.
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Old 03-04-2016, 01:13 PM
1,781 posts, read 2,156,408 times
Reputation: 5872
Originally Posted by 2KidsforMe View Post
My husband and I have talked over the years about the possibility of returning "home" but now that it is a real possibility I feel like my heart is breaking into pieces. We have made MA our "home" too.
That's the trouble with settling in a place so far from family; you end up having two homes, and two places to which your heart and soul grow attached. Been there, done that.

I'm going to be the lone dissenter here and suggest you consider moving back home. If you have a good relationship with your family, there's nothing in the world that is now, or ever will be, more precious.

In 1995, I moved away from my home on the east coast of Virginia (Hampton Roads). We packed up the three daughters, and our life belongings in a U-Haul, and my husband and I moved 1,000 miles due west to St. Louis.

When we left, my children had a very close relationship with my dear mother (their grandma) and my husband's parents (grandfather and grandmother). There were also aunts and uncles and cousins.

Living in St. Louis, we tried to get "back home" for holidays, but those visits were once-a-year at best, and lasted only a few days due to the demands of work and school.

Christmas Day, 2001, my mother died suddenly. Here one second and gone the next. I now have the rest of my life to think about her, and miss her, and regret living so far away from my beloved Mama, my best friend in all the world. My children will never know their "Grandma Betty" as well as they should have. She would have been a beautiful influence in their life.

Our society and its high cost and fast pace is not one that's conducive to family bonds, and that is, in every sense of the word, tragic.
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Old 03-04-2016, 01:26 PM
1,961 posts, read 1,292,958 times
Reputation: 3372
Tough call, and I don't know what to tell you. I moved back home to PA a few years ago before our son was even in Kindergarten. If he was older I might not have, but I wanted to give my parents more time with him. I'd talk to the kids at least and see where their heads are, but if they weren't into it I'd stay and just plan more trips out there.
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