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Old 05-09-2017, 08:53 AM
 
7 posts, read 5,960 times
Reputation: 12

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I just purchased a new home only a little over an hour away from my current hometown and residence which I know doesn't seem like a lot, but I have so many worries and pent up emotions going on right now with no one to talk to in real life so hoping I can get an ear here.

Even though I'm only moving an hour away, my SO is staying where he is now. When I originally planned to purchase this house, he made it seem like it was great, it's by the beach, he'd come and stay at my house, we could do a lot of things together over in that area, he even made comments about looking forward to my good cooking. Now that it's a reality and I'm moving next week I think its putting a huge stress toll on our relationship which leads me to my first worry over the whole move. He of course always has worries and complaints too because he doesn't sleep well (has very specific things he must do in order to get a full nights sleep) and as we currently dont live together and he gets to sleep alone, he can do whatever he needs to. Plus, we both work from home and he can't work with any background noise. Lastly, even though the plan was to spend time at each others homes during the week, he has teen kids that summer is coming up for so they will be there on a more regular basis, also greatly interfering with his ability to be at my house. He lives in a typical bachelor pad so even though I can technically work and live there a few days a week, it's certainly not optimal and completely throws a wrench into my whole normal daily routine as well. Although I am the type of person that can do things alone, I prefer to spend time with my SO and currently we see each other everyday. I did know this going in to the house buying, but figured that with us spending full days together it wouldn't be a big deal, but that just seems to be falling apart.

So in addition to my SO issues, I'm having a really hard time with leaving my current home. I don't even really care for the neighborhood itself and my house is lacking a lot of things I would like to have, but there are just too many memories wrapped up in these walls. I raised my daughter here, I was married and divorced here, I raised and lost my 2 furkids here. I'm sad just packing things up and even knowing that I'm going to be missing the life I used to have here in this house. Plus it's just so close to everything whereas at the new location, things are further away. I'm leaving behind all my familiarities, closer amenities, friends, activities, etc.

It used to be that I was very excited to move and experience everything that the new house and new area has to offer, but now each day that goes by and as moving day gets closer and closer I regret the purchase more and more. I'm currently stuck and have to move, even if I do have to turn around and sell it in a year or so, but I'm just trying to get through the days without being depressed, emotional and just not a happy person to be around.

I have read that being sad and depressed over moves and relocations can be normal, but how do you get over that? Especially when all I can think about is what I'm going to be missing here in my hometown and if and when I'll get to see my SO?

 
Old 05-09-2017, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Des Moines Metro
5,039 posts, read 5,926,867 times
Reputation: 9402
Perhaps you needed to buy a different house in the same area since you didn't like your neighborhood and your house didn't have certain things that you wanted but everything else is there.

Was that possible? Maybe another home in that area was too expensive or unavailable at your price point. If that's true, maybe focus on the advantages of the new house and practice thought-stopping when a negative thought crops up.

If it was possible to buy a house in that area, you could do a cost-benefit analysis and decide whether you can afford to not go through with this move.

I don't know you, but chances are that you are second-guessing yourself and that things will look a lot different after you move and get settled in. I suspect there is more going on with that relationship, maybe some things that you're not willing to admit to yourself right now, which is why your gut encouraged you to get that new place.

Try not to build your life around what your SO may or may not do. If this move is right for you, stick to it. He'll make adjustments or he won't. Next year at this time, you might have someone new who has different problems.
 
Old 05-09-2017, 10:57 AM
 
3,547 posts, read 3,115,491 times
Reputation: 10627
What you're feeling isn't all that uncommon. It's hard to leave what you know. Yes, you might grieve, but it's time to get a date set and move on to your new life. You are making yourself miserable. You have a reason why you are moving.

Sometimes a change forces us to focus on what belongs in our life. Like said above, the SO may not be there in a year. That's ok. You may find that it's time to become more serious. That's ok too. Don't stay where you are. You will continue to be miserable. I'd encourage you to go to your new place and find what makes you happy.

Good luck and enjoy the adventure!
 
Old 05-09-2017, 11:10 AM
 
7 posts, read 5,960 times
Reputation: 12
Thank you everyone. It definitely helps just to get others thoughts and words on the matter as well.

My SO and I have been together for 7 years and while I know anything can happen, I can't help but think that if I would have just stayed where I am, we wouldn't have any issues, although the problem with that is just staying stagnant in a relationship without living together or any commitment beyond exclusive dating indefinitely.

I am moving because I want to be closer to the beach and on the water so part of me feels like Im being selfish, although I did make this plan based on our plans together, but another part of me is thinking that now that I'm an empty nester without any further pet or kid responsibilities that I need to do whats best for me. Just hurts and worries me to think that there is a possibility I could have or will ruin our relationship. Combining that with the worry about leaving my hometown, leaving friends and leaving all the memories in my house just compounds everything!
 
Old 05-09-2017, 11:39 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,294 posts, read 4,471,852 times
Reputation: 26643
Quote:
Originally Posted by smartino View Post
My SO and I have been together for 7 years and while I know anything can happen, I can't help but think that if I would have just stayed where I am, we wouldn't have any issues, although the problem with that is just staying stagnant in a relationship without living together or any commitment beyond exclusive dating indefinitely.
I know this isn't a relationship forum but probably the best thing you could do for yourself is move farther away from a man who refuses to commit. I wish I had when I was in that situation.

Quote:
I am moving because I want to be closer to the beach and on the water so part of me feels like Im being selfish, although I did make this plan based on our plans together, but another part of me is thinking that now that I'm an empty nester without any further pet or kid responsibilities that I need to do whats best for me.
Exactly this: I need to do whats best for me. Brava!

Like I said, I've been there and it can be bewildering, with rollercoaster ups-and-downs. Some days are good. Then the next day you're reminded that this relationship is really just dating when someone asks, "So when are you and so-and-so getting married?"

Do you want to marry him?

Quote:
Just hurts and worries me to think that there is a possibility I could have or will ruin our relationship. Combining that with the worry about leaving my hometown, leaving friends and leaving all the memories in my house just compounds everything!
It could also be a fabulous new adventure. Beach house, OMG! Oh man, I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat. You take memories with you wherever you go.
 
Old 05-09-2017, 02:29 PM
 
Location: Des Moines Metro
5,039 posts, read 5,926,867 times
Reputation: 9402
Yeah, if moving an hour away hurts your relationship, it's time to let it go. It sounds like you're doing all the work. Let him step up and assume some responsibility. There are other fish in the sea if he doesn't.
 
Old 05-09-2017, 10:34 PM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
6,090 posts, read 8,983,154 times
Reputation: 11433
You are at a turning point in your life and there are reasons you got this far into it. By trying to go back to the normal day after day existence of the past, you will always wonder "what if I had really taken that plunge"? This is an uncomfortable time. That's normal. You are growing. Accept that the previous situation was not what you really wanted. And now it's time to move on.

If the relationship survives the move, good for you. If not, it wasn't meant to be.
Take care of yourself first. Now and always.
 
Old 05-11-2017, 11:15 PM
 
68 posts, read 60,385 times
Reputation: 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by smartino View Post
Thank you everyone. It definitely helps just to get others thoughts and words on the matter as well.

My SO and I have been together for 7 years and while I know anything can happen, I can't help but think that if I would have just stayed where I am, we wouldn't have any issues, although the problem with that is just staying stagnant in a relationship without living together or any commitment beyond exclusive dating indefinitely.

I am moving because I want to be closer to the beach and on the water so part of me feels like Im being selfish, although I did make this plan based on our plans together, but another part of me is thinking that now that I'm an empty nester without any further pet or kid responsibilities that I need to do whats best for me. Just hurts and worries me to think that there is a possibility I could have or will ruin our relationship. Combining that with the worry about leaving my hometown, leaving friends and leaving all the memories in my house just compounds everything!

You just need to remember why you wanted this move in the first place. For the last few months of looking at houses you had so much to look forward to. Now the reality of packing and moving and making adjustments in your relationships has set in. You need something to look forward to again! Since you mentioned your previous furkids, why not go on PetFinder and look at all the critters who need homes in your new location. Then when you get settled in go and rescue one of them. Another fun thing to do to get excited about your move is to look up all the things to do and amenities near your new house. And if it's truly away from everything then it's probably a good spot for stargazing, painting or writing, so you could always get excited for that. You'll make new memories, and your kids will come and visit you. Take lots of pictures of your old house, maybe even take something small like a door knob or a faucet (you could buy and install a replacement before leaving). Maybe it would help if your kids came over and you could have one last dinner or fun night in the house before leaving. That may provide some emotional closure.

I'm in a similar situation, I haven't even bought yet, but as everything for the loan falls into place and the time to stop dreaming about new houses and new places comes to an end, and the time to make that huge commitment approaches I'm freaking out inside. And I HATE where I live, have some terrible memories actually, and no logical reason to grieve this place at all, so it happens to everyone. Trust yourself that you made this purchase for a reason.

Give yourself a year. If you are miserable in your new beach house (is that even possible?) then give yourself permission to move back to your inland town with your non-committed boyfriend. But I REALLY don't think you'll be miserable in a year. You knew you deserved and wanted more, so you made this decision for yourself.
 
Old 05-11-2017, 11:25 PM
 
Location: Clovis Strong, NM
3,376 posts, read 4,785,053 times
Reputation: 1978
I'm pretty much feeling that anxiety myself and have already blew a couple of job offers all because of myself growing too attached to an area I thought I'd never would grow attached to. But seeing as how my job performance at the current company is noticeably beginning to go down hill, another move will eventually have to be faced. No possible way to fix things over there and it's looking more and more like an area with different options in my field will have to suffice.
 
Old 05-14-2017, 12:04 PM
 
Location: equator
3,331 posts, read 1,481,718 times
Reputation: 8245
This is typical, OP... even has its own label "Buyer's Remorse". Perfectly normal. We are always second-guessing ourselves. We moved to So. America to be on the beach, so I can relate. Good for you being able to live by the ocean in the U.S!! Like others said, if your SO can't deal (when he formerly approved), maybe time to reevaluate that!
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