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I moved to Rochester, NY seven years ago to be close to my parents and enjoy the low cost of living. While Rochester is a pretty cool city, I am regretting the decision for several big reasons.
I love sunshine. I never realized how terribly cloudy it is here. We can go weeks on end without a peek a sun. I've had progressively worsening seasonal affective disorder each year. I barely recognize myself and am in a terrible emotional state in March/Apr/May every year. It's bad for me but also bad for my husband and two daughters (ages 6 and 4). In summer and fall I'm an upbeat, happy, energetic person. I feel I should be able to get over it, but after several years and trying to mentally prepare I can't seem to and fall into the same rut each year.
I love to ski, hike, rock climb, and mountain bike. Rochester region is flat and the skiing terrible.
I want to leave but I feel terribly guilty leaving my parents. I worry about them not having help as they age. They are in very good health now. My mother has watched my daughters three days/week when I work since birth and they are very, very close. Taking my kids away would be very hard for her. There's no other family in town. My parents refuse to talk about us leaving and have no interest in relocation. My mother gets very upset and walks away when I bring it up.
Do I go and live with the guilt and worry or stay and keep trying to tolerate the seasonal depression and lack of favorite activities? Am I ungrateful after all the help with kids?
We can go east and get almost everything while being within driving distance or go to Colorado and get it all with the burden of extreme distance. My husband is super supportive either way but excited about possibility of a move. We are very fortunate and have great transferrable jobs anywhere.
Thanls for reading! I wasn't sure which thread to post to.
I totally understand your situation. However, I will tell you from experience, you may regret moving away when your parents are older ... is there no other way you can take vacations during the time it's most uncomfortable for you? Also, not only would you be moving away from being able to help them quickly, you would also be breaking a connection between your mother and your daughters...and, after all, she has provided babysitting for you as you said. It's very difficult once you see your parents begin to falter and grow old and unable to do the things you have always taken for granted that they can do...
I live in Texas and have lived here all my life. However, I have never gotten used to the heat most especially felt in August. What I have tried to do many summers is to get away to a cooler climate during August and it helps me deal with the rest of it (the hot weather, the predominantly "red" population, etc.). I guess what I'm trying to say is, for the sake of family, is there any way you can compromise? Outside that, maybe moving to a better location still within driving distance could be an option?
I am certainly not trying to guilt you in any way. It's just that when my mother grew old, it became a very trying time as I worried about her constantly...she had isolated herself, had no close friends, was hard of hearing and just very vulnerable. I finally brought her up to my home in Dallas for what turned out to be the last two years of her life...
Best of luck in making your decision...it isn't easy any way you look at it.
I'm 69 and a retired senior. I think you should do what YOU want to do, which is most likely what your parents did at your age. Frankly your mother's behavior seems to me to be selfish and inappropriate. When parents retire and need help, they need to relocate closer to their children rather than expect the kids to move or travel back and forth constantly. There are many options for seniors that actually are better than staying in a big home that needs too much care for them. I feel sorry for you and think you should look out for your best interests.
I moved to Rochester, NY seven years ago to be close to my parents and enjoy the low cost of living. While Rochester is a pretty cool city, I am regretting the decision for several big reasons.
I love sunshine. I never realized how terribly cloudy it is here. We can go weeks on end without a peek a sun. I've had progressively worsening seasonal affective disorder each year. I barely recognize myself and am in a terrible emotional state in March/Apr/May every year. It's bad for me but also bad for my husband and two daughters (ages 6 and 4). In summer and fall I'm an upbeat, happy, energetic person. I feel I should be able to get over it, but after several years and trying to mentally prepare I can't seem to and fall into the same rut each year.
I love to ski, hike, rock climb, and mountain bike. Rochester region is flat and the skiing terrible.
I want to leave but I feel terribly guilty leaving my parents. I worry about them not having help as they age. They are in very good health now. My mother has watched my daughters three days/week when I work since birth and they are very, very close. Taking my kids away would be very hard for her. There's no other family in town. My parents refuse to talk about us leaving and have no interest in relocation. My mother gets very upset and walks away when I bring it up.
Do I go and live with the guilt and worry or stay and keep trying to tolerate the seasonal depression and lack of favorite activities? Am I ungrateful after all the help with kids?
We can go east and get almost everything while being within driving distance or go to Colorado and get it all with the burden of extreme distance. My husband is super supportive either way but excited about possibility of a move. We are very fortunate and have great transferrable jobs anywhere.
Thanls for reading! I wasn't sure which thread to post to.
My goodness I can empathize and understand where you're coming from.
I take it you did not grow up in Rochester, NY, which means that your parents moved there after you were an adult - is this correct? Anyway, that's just an aside note, it doesn't really change things either way.
Here's what I think:
I think that if parents expect us to take care of them in their elderly years, they need to move wherever we live. The reason I think this is because it's patently unfair for them to expect other adults to uproot their lives and careers, change their plans, etc. to accommodate them. When we were in their care, did they ask us where we wanted to live? Did they uproot their careers and lives based on our preferences, or did they move where they wanted to live, where they needed to work, etc? They were calling the shots then about where we lived, because they had careers and adult lives to live and build.
Now we have those rights and responsibilities. We have our own adult lives along with our own adult obligations. They're adults too - so of course they can choose to live wherever they want to live. BUT if they are expecting us to take care of them, it's time for them to accommodate us. They move where we are. They live where we live. Not the other way around.
My advice would be for you to get settled either to the east (I like that it's driving distance) or wherever else you want. I do believe that your children (and you) would benefit from being within driving distance of your parents preferably - so I'd look in that direction first, and I'd make it a priority to visit the parents often, and have them visit you often. Perhaps they would choose to move there down the line as their needs and dependence on you both increase.
And your mother's behavior is inappropriate and childish and unfair. Don't fall for it.
No one should live their life for their parents. If that sounds harsh, so be it. They must accept that with age comes loss. You can still be supportive wherever you live but putting your life on hold to care for them is not fair to you. When they can no longer live independently they need to look into assisted living facilities or other options. It's your life, enjoy it and do not feel guilty. Time slips by so much faster than we can imagine until we are old. You deserve to live where you choose.
It's bad for me but also bad for my husband and two daughters (ages 6 and 4).
...
My parents refuse to talk about us leaving and have no interest in relocation. My mother gets very upset and walks away when I bring it up.
A good parent wants their children and grandchildren to be healthy, happy, and productive. Shame on them for guilting you into staying.
Go live your life while they are healthy. They can visit.
I think that if parents expect us to take care of them in their elderly years, they need to move wherever we live. The reason I think this is because it's patently unfair for them to expect other adults to uproot their lives and careers, change their plans, etc. to accommodate them. When we were in their care, did they ask us where we wanted to live? Did they uproot their careers and lives based on our preferences, or did they move where they wanted to live, where they needed to work, etc? They were calling the shots then about where we lived, because they had careers and adult lives to live and build.
Now we have those rights and responsibilities. We have our own adult lives along with our own adult obligations. They're adults too - so of course they can choose to live wherever they want to live. BUT if they are expecting us to take care of them, it's time for them to accommodate us. They move where we are. They live where we live. Not the other way around.
My advice would be for you to get settled either to the east (I like that it's driving distance) or wherever else you want. I do believe that your children (and you) would benefit from being within driving distance of your parents preferably - so I'd look in that direction first, and I'd make it a priority to visit the parents often, and have them visit you often. Perhaps they would choose to move there down the line as their needs and dependence on you both increase.
And your mother's behavior is inappropriate and childish and unfair. Don't fall for it.
Agreed.
If you truly despise Rochester, the best time time to start preparing to go is now. Start looking at the local real estate market if you need to sell a home. Start applying for jobs in your target location(s). Check into local amenities to see if it may fit your lifestyle. Sort areas into finalists, investigate those areas thoroughly, and begin to make scouting trips where possible.
Ultimately, it is up to the younger person to determine if the benefits of living away outweigh the proximity to family. For some, family is everything. For others, less so.
It is unfair for parents to make a blanket assumption that the kids will always be in the same town to take care of them. Being close has benefits for all sides, but the drawbacks may outweigh the benefits.
Our family is likely going to have to deal with this over the next several years. My grandmother is 81, living "in her own home," but not truly independently, and relies on my aunt and myself a great deal for assistance to be as independent as she is. She has no major medical problems, but has bad knees and cannot get around well.
My aunt is 56 and will be laid off by the end of the year, at the latest, as the jobs are being moved from Tennessee to New York City. My company may also be going through a merger, so my job is potentially shaky.
It does no one any good if the breadwinner stays in some area to care for relatives, but cannot find well-paying work. Everyone sinks in that position.
Your thoughtful responses mean so much to me! You've really helped put my mind at ease.
I don't despise Rochester. It is a city with a lot to offer many people. Just not the mountain outdoor enthusiast or someone who loves the sun. Or someone who loves the ocean. I thought I'd get over those things but I want my kids to experience them and want to enjoy them before I need my knees replaced. I've been mindful and spent the last year doing as many new activities as I could here to try and change my mind. I'd love to move the kids before they get much older.
I did grow up in Rochester but spent most weekends and all summer in my childhood driving to see extended family out of town. I thought it would be best to live close to parents and drive less but now we constantly drive to visit inlaws and siblings in the east since we are the outliers. One thing I failed to mention is that I have four siblings who are dotted along the major NYS thruway to the east in different towns (note they did not feel obligated to move to Rochester). My parents moved to Rochester for work in the 70s. My mom clings to the past and is refusing to look forward.
I would add, try to find a new home with room for your parents.
Then encourage them to visit frequently, and eventually move in with you.
Um, if you could stand that; it would make me nuts.
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