How long to give a new city before writing it off and moving away? (job, fuel)

[Thoreau424]

Unless you're really into changing who you are to the point of losing yourself, you're best to just relocate to an area that naturally resembles your roots and personality. I tried connecting with my newer location for years, and though some progress was made, I was still miles away from the mindset and culture.

There's a reason people gravitate to certain areas, and are repelled from others. It's natural, and not something to fight.

[JonathanLB]

Originally Posted by Coldjensens

In places where people do not move around a lot, it can be hard and takes a while. A long while. They have friends and do not really need more. they tend to be suspicious of people they have not known for ten years or more, in part because they have met new people in the past and they turned out to be flaky, or users, or just crazy. Places that are more transitory, people and looking for temporary friends all the time. You are not going to develop the deep absolute trust types of friendships that develop in more stationary places, but you will find friends faster and people are more open to receiving new friends.

In any place, when you are new, be leery of the first people who approach you as potential friends. Often (usually) they are crazy people or people who for whatever reason do not have any friends, emotional or financial vampires, erc. . they try to glom on to new people before said new people realize that they are actually like. You are still going to end up befriending some of these people when you are new. They will use you for a while until you catch on and it can be devastating when your supposed friend suddenly turns on you or turns out to be using you for whatever their goal may be.


Here in Michigan, in many places people are respected for their work ethic. If you join community service organizations or a church and work really hard to pitch in and help out, you will earn respect and eventually friendship. If you try to earn respect by displaying your perceived financial or professional success or your incredible intelligence or advanced education, you will not earn that respect and will likely be laughed at when you are not around. There are areas where the standard is people trying to impress each other with their success, but more often respect is earned by ho hard you work to help others or your community.


then of course there a a whole lot of people who just go to work watch tv go to work watch tv. They are not able to make friends other than with their TV.

Ha that would not be the right community for me! Wow.

As for another comment, I agree, I have zero interest in making friends with parents. We’d have nothing in common. Maybe if they’re older people whose kids left, that’s ok, but none of my friends have or want kids and I’m not intending to make parent friends for that reason especially - they wouldn’t have time for real friendship by this point.

[Atlguy39]

Originally Posted by NDak15

I'm calling bull**** you can make friends anywhere. These days people tend to gravitate back to their hometowns, thus hanging out with high school friends. It becomes high school cliques all over again. Want to make friends with parents? Forget it. These days if parents aren't working they're ferrying kids around. Parents' lives revolve solely around their kids now.

Exactly. Where I live now is like one giant clique. Its ridiculous. At least at this point I know its not me, its them and the culture. Not a fit AT ALL.

[Thoreau424]

Originally Posted by Atlguy39

Exactly. Where I live now is like one giant clique. Its ridiculous. At least at this point I know its not me, its them and the culture. Not a fit AT ALL.

Thanks for your comments It's good to hear from others, and that I'm not the only one encountering that kind of situation.

[lovely40]

OP, I gave TX (Dallas) 2 years of my life and determined it wasn't for me. I relocated to DC metro, and found my happy place. Everything about the DC area I LOVE. Been here now for 3 years and still in love with it. Before Dallas, I lived in Charlotte. Hated the place and left after 6 mos.

You can't put a time stamp on it. You either feel connected to a place or not. Follow you heart.

[AmericaBravoCharles]

Originally Posted by lovely40

OP, I gave TX (Dallas) 2 years of my life and determined it wasn't for me. I relocated to DC metro, and found my happy place. Everything about the DC area I LOVE. Been here now for 3 years and still in love with it. Before Dallas, I lived in Charlotte. Hated the place and left after 6 mos.

You can't put a time stamp on it. You either feel connected to a place or not. Follow you heart.

I have no interest in living in Dallas whatsoever, based on the people I’ve generally met from up there. I’d maybe, just maybe, consider Fort Worth, but it’s still a little too close to Dallas for my comfort. Plus, that D/FW region is aesthetically uglier than even the Houston region.

What didn’t you like about Dallas?

[meo92953]

Being a retired senior, my situation is different as I don't have to fit into work situation. I tried Dallas once and didn't last a month, when I was younger.

Now that I'm retired, I moved to Arizona. I love the mountains and the view but not so much what I want, where I moved. I've been here a year and a half and realize I would be happier in a more walkable town. As it is, I have to drive everywhere.

But, it has allowed me time to investigate other areas. When my lease is up I plan on exploring other towns. I will stay in Arizona as I find the mountains magical but need to find a place where I feel more comfortable. I'm definitely going to explore the Prescott area and places around there. Kingman also arouses my interest.

I have the freedom to do that though. While I was working my choice of places was limited by the jobs I had and I am glad now that I stuck it out because my choices really helped up my social security income. That's something to think about too.

[JonathanLB]

I definitely feel fortunate that I don’t ever have to consider work or jobs when picking where I want to live. It’s a non-factor which allows me to focus on what’s going to make me happiest.

[AmericaBravoCharles]

Here's the scoop now:

There are some places where I loved both the work and the city, some where I loved the work but hated the city (Houston, generally speaking), and some where I hated the work but loved the city (Los Angeles, generally speaking), and some where I couldn't stand either the work or the city (San Diego, generally speaking).

Even so, Houston has still been the most challenging place socially of any place I've lived, by far, at least when considering initial stage relocations (first 3-6 months). I still stand by what I've said about Meetup groups--polite at best, but break up into smaller groups and then don't reunite during a same event. I guess I could do churches, but never fared well (not negatively, per se, just nothing fruitful) in the past.

Also, about dating; Houston women are either fake-friendly but with an alarmingly high flake rate, outright hostile in ways I haven't experienced elsewhere, and/or they're single moms from three different men (and will probably become young grandmothers). Since there are fewer 7s-10s on the looks and desirability scale, those that are are less competitive and, ergo, more obnoxious.

Even though I didn't find San Diegans friendly when I lived there, I was still able to quickly find a social "in" that tempered the negative effects of life in that city some. I guess Houston has been harder because I don't know the social "workings" of this place; I guess I thought I sort of would, simply because it's another huge, cosmopolitan, American city.

Also, I still don't get all the state pride; Texas has a interesting and unique history that stands out in stark contrast from other states, but so do quite a few other states (e.g., Virginia, California, Hawaii, Florida).

Houston drivers are still horribly incompetent and, sometimes, downright mean.

California's universities and community college system are better than what Texas offers. While there are many very intelligent people here in Texas, the difference on local and regional economies, as well as attractiveness and cultivation of intellectual creativity, is much more impressive in terms of higher education in California. Even a no-name CSU such as Stanislaus State would still probably be one of Texas' most competitive public universities (at least if it was anywhere close to a major city).

But what I'm also coming to realize (or maybe re-realize) is that wherever I go, there I am. I chose to move here. Even if Houston never becomes home (and I already have a feeling that it won't), I can do things to quell such negative chatter and start talking to myself more positively to myself, and acting more positively. I can at least make my bubble of Houston home mentally, until or if I choose to move elsewhere.

My coworkers are opening up more, bit by bit, so that's good. This isn't a go-out-for-work-after-drinks sort of workplace like I had back in California, but I can at least crack a few crappy jokes comfortably.

I work for much (generally) better, kinder, yet more results-oriented management here in Houston.

I'm making incredible business contacts and references, that's also good.

Customer service around Houston still sucks by and large (slow and/or surly/hostile), but I'm choosing to go to places that I find offer the products and services I'm shopping for with customer service that I can smile and say "thank you" about.

I've decorated my new rental home more nicely than any place I've ever lived in (not lavishly, just nicely).

I'm listening to and reading copious amounts of Tony Robbins, Brian Tracy, and even Lucinda Bassett (a blast from the past).

I'm seeing a therapist. So far, so good.

I’ve just started seeing a personal trainer weekly. I believe I’m decent looking, and I know I'm in better shape than I was, but feeling great about one's self is always crucial for ensured healthy living.

I'm just getting out and doing things more on my own without any expectation of meeting anybody--and this was also helpful for me in getting acclimated to L.A. (in addition to the social scene I experienced there, and also considering that perhaps my expectations for Southern hospitality in a large city such as Houston were too high to begin with, but I digress...), and even as acclimated as I could in S.D. (though I never did fully acclimate there, at least the weather and scenery are profoundly, amazingly gorgeous).

Houston's parks can be rather bleak and seemingly unkempt in the winter (for the South) months. However, come now, the grass is lushly green and bluebonnets are blooming. They're still not the best maintained parks in the world, but I've found a vast park system around there that, even though I have to drive a good number of miles between some of them and the scenery isn't spectacular as out west, are still enjoyable in their way. Memorial, Hermann, and George Bush Parks may not be a Balboa Park or Vasquez Rocks Park, but jogging and cycling are also more enjoyable on flat land, IMO.

I like In-N-Out better than Whataburger; the prior is excellent, while the latter is still decent, IMO. Same for California Mexican food vs. Tex-Mex; I love a good L.A. street-side taco or a fajita from a hole-in-the-wall in the Bay Area better than most Tex-Mex, but I can appreciate Tex-Mex for its deliciousness and "large family table-appropriate" orientation, if you will. Beyond those, with some research, the overall culinary scene in Houston seems like it can compete, or at least begin to compete with, some of the most prominent foodie cities in the world.

Houstonians, despite my gripes, are less pretentious generally than their counterparts in Dallas (astonishingly pretentious, especially given its location) or Austin (some seem to think of themselves as being the "Portland, Oregon of the South.") Granted, again, I've encountered more obnoxious/pretentious women here from a dating perspective (thus far), and River Oaks/Upper Kirby, Sugar Land and The Woodlands seem to rival or exceed the likes of West L.A. and South Orange County in terms of having pretentious snobs, but Houston's overall culture isn't particularly pretentious. (Neither was L.A.'s, away from the West L.A. entertainment crap.) Remember, Houston may be the largest city in the U.S. that is still overwhelming blue-collar culturally.

Houstonians--Texans, really--generally have more disposable income than people in most other states. California may also be an exception, but one also has to budget a little more wisely there because of the already high cost of living. In that sense, I understand why Californians leave the state; they leave (sometimes reluctantly) to go to Texas, Utah, Arizona, etc., but their money goes a lot further. (I didn't leave California for anything money-wise, by the way. At all. So don't throw your tomatoes at me.) Anyway, while Californians were able to take a lot of week-long international or cross-country trips, or even fun, extended weekend trips to places like Cabo or Seattle, Texans often can afford the same luxury and take advantage of it. I already have five domestic, short weekend trips planned out of state over the next three months.

Going to a shooting range is less onerous here than even the nicest ranges around L.A. and S.D. Thank you, emotionally-driven but onerous California firearms laws.

As states, Texas' government in general has better "business sense" and fiscal responsibility than California's government. As localities go, if a local government in Texas operates poorly, incompetently or corruptly, they really stand out. Local governments in California operate more efficiently than the state (big cities' governments notwithstanding sometimes); in fact, some local governments in places like North County San Diego, South OC, and the Outer East Bay near SF/Oakland operate as efficiently and effectively as any you'll find in the US. However, horrible local governments are also seemingly much more common in CA than in TX.

Perhaps Texas could stand to have somewhat more robust environmental protection laws, but at least it isn't, and will likely never become, a nanny state such as California.

So there you have it. I figure, if I'm going to choose to come here to live and work, I may as well make the most of it. If I move on in a couple of years, I do, whether back to California or elsewhere. Or, maybe I'll learn to like or love it. But at least my time here won't be a regretful waste, as I'm damn determined to not let it become that.

[JonathanLB]

Good insightful post! Thanks.

It’s interesting I loved LA for work, being in film, you can’t ask for a better city with so much talent and equipment and locations and history. I would always geek out over the Hollywood sign or just driving by a studio as part of regular life. I never got over how cool all of that was. But I hated the city in almost every other way, except weather. But I did the same thing you did with Southern hospitality. In my mind the way everyone talks about SoCal weather it’s like it’s a 10/10 and unbeatable. In all reality it’s a good solid 7.5, that’s about it. The United States outside of Hawaii doesn’t have anywhere that’s really ideal weather, so the bar is set low compared to a worldwide level. It still rains way too much in LA for me, I prefer Vegas weather by far, and I’m not bothered by 100 degrees; I am bothered by 67 degrees in June. That’s unacceptable to me. If it’s not at least 80, it’s not swimming weather, and too often in LA I found the weather to be mediocre. Ok for walking around, not unpleasant, but nothing great either. Marine layer all summer long, blocking the sun until 2-3 pm, short days (dark by 8:30?! Very bizarre being from Portland where it’s light until almost 10), beach communities too cold even in the summer much of the time, just... not it for me. Maybe my expectations were just too high. I like the heat!