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Old 04-11-2019, 05:34 PM
 
13,124 posts, read 17,679,045 times
Reputation: 19701

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaolin Shadowboxing View Post
i'd likely bump up to $150+. she'd come down to $50-60K at worst.

again, theoretical, but just a bit better than even.
Not for her and not in her way of thinking.
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Old 04-11-2019, 06:14 PM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,395 posts, read 14,235,059 times
Reputation: 22915
Quote:
Originally Posted by maduro lonsdale View Post
Yeppppp.
Noooooooooooope. This isn't about jobs, or having kids, or the fact that things change. This is about whether or not he can respect her wishes. It's ok to revisit the topic from time to time to see if life changes will change her mind. But planning and hoping to convince her to go just because it's what he wants, when she's already stated it's not what she wants, I can't see that ending well.

In my case I was the spouse who wanted to move, and before we married I was quite clear about that, and how much I hated the city we lived at the time. He promised that we would move when the time was right, and never meant a word of it. My spouse was the one with the idea that I'd get used to it, that I'd come around to his way of thinking, that I'd change my mind eventually. I totally felt like my feelings weren't respected, that I was being manipulated. Along with that came a loss of trust, a lack of credibility, and a lot of anger and resentment. None of which is great for a relationship.

Don't belittle your wife's wishes and act as though your reasons for wanting to move are better or more important than her reasons for wanting to stay.
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Old 04-11-2019, 07:26 PM
 
1,199 posts, read 1,096,611 times
Reputation: 467
Quote:
Originally Posted by psichick View Post
No. Asking a question you already had a discussion about, got an answer for, and then hoping for a different answer is the definition of insanity. But hey, keep posting, I want to see how this ends (trainwreck; hard to look away).
trainwreck? thread has gone pretty well thus far outside of your bizarre personal attacks.
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Old 04-11-2019, 09:04 PM
 
356 posts, read 80,703 times
Reputation: 1095
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Noooooooooooope. This isn't about jobs, or having kids, or the fact that things change. This is about whether or not he can respect her wishes. It's ok to revisit the topic from time to time to see if life changes will change her mind. But planning and hoping to convince her to go just because it's what he wants, when she's already stated it's not what she wants, I can't see that ending well.

In my case I was the spouse who wanted to move, and before we married I was quite clear about that, and how much I hated the city we lived at the time. He promised that we would move when the time was right, and never meant a word of it. My spouse was the one with the idea that I'd get used to it, that I'd come around to his way of thinking, that I'd change my mind eventually. I totally felt like my feelings weren't respected, that I was being manipulated. Along with that came a loss of trust, a lack of credibility, and a lot of anger and resentment. None of which is great for a relationship.

Don't belittle your wife's wishes and act as though your reasons for wanting to move are better or more important than her reasons for wanting to stay.
Sorry, I should have footnoted my yeeepppp. It was only in reference to marriage and kids. I for one know that probably less than 10% of the 'mortal locks' I believed in pre-marriage (or even within the first 1-2 years of being married) and pre-kids remain true to me to this day.
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Old 04-11-2019, 11:47 PM
 
359 posts, read 233,434 times
Reputation: 411
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Noooooooooooope. This isn't about jobs, or having kids, or the fact that things change. This is about whether or not he can respect her wishes. It's ok to revisit the topic from time to time to see if life changes will change her mind. But planning and hoping to convince her to go just because it's what he wants, when she's already stated it's not what she wants, I can't see that ending well.

In my case I was the spouse who wanted to move, and before we married I was quite clear about that, and how much I hated the city we lived at the time. He promised that we would move when the time was right, and never meant a word of it. My spouse was the one with the idea that I'd get used to it, that I'd come around to his way of thinking, that I'd change my mind eventually. I totally felt like my feelings weren't respected, that I was being manipulated. Along with that came a loss of trust, a lack of credibility, and a lot of anger and resentment. None of which is great for a relationship.

Don't belittle your wife's wishes and act as though your reasons for wanting to move are better or more important than her reasons for wanting to stay.

I feel like no one is reading what the OP said. He does respect her wishes and he's doing exactly what you are suggesting in your first paragraph. He doesn't seem the least bit manipulative to me.
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Old 04-12-2019, 05:11 AM
 
Location: Canada
9,044 posts, read 8,291,836 times
Reputation: 19272
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaolin Shadowboxing View Post
yea we vacation fairly frequently. many times i come back wishing we could move there. lol.
Vacation mindset and being a tourist are not good indicators of what it would be like to live in those places.
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Old 04-12-2019, 08:02 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,395 posts, read 14,235,059 times
Reputation: 22915
Quote:
Originally Posted by ringler24 View Post
I feel like no one is reading what the OP said. He does respect her wishes and he's doing exactly what you are suggesting in your first paragraph. He doesn't seem the least bit manipulative to me.
Post 47 suggests that he is possibly just paying lip service to her wishes for now. The idea that he's 'willing to stay put' for four or five years doesn't suggest that he really respects her desire not to move.
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Old 04-12-2019, 08:53 AM
 
63 posts, read 63,364 times
Reputation: 62
Same situation here. My wife was born and raised in Chicago. We have been here for 25+ years now. I hate Chicago and always wanted to move. She doesn't like change, and all her families and friends are in Chicago.

IMO, relationship is about compromises. I don't believe in the argument that what agreed upon prior to marriage is set in stone. People change, relationship dynamics change. I don't think there's anything wrong with the OP revisiting the option of moving with his wife as long as he's being respectful and considerate. Instead of pushing her to move, just lay out why it's important to HIM to move.

I understand why my wife wants to stay in Chicago. She understands why I hate Chicago and wants to move. If an opportunity comes up in the future that makes sense for both of us, we will move. But we both have to agree and support the decision.
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Old 04-12-2019, 09:59 AM
 
Location: Dallas TX
15,002 posts, read 21,651,941 times
Reputation: 22112
We have moved a few times in our marriage, frankly I wish we didn't. We first moved across country because we were bored with the same small town. We lived out east in NJ for over a decade and loved it. We made our neighbors our family. However, it was very challenging not having family to support us through the younger years of our kids lives. We didn't have anyone to leave them with overnight. At one point I had to go to the hospital and we had no one to take care of our son. Luckily one of the neighbors stepped in to help. It's an odd position to be put in.

Now we are in the opposite end of the spectrum. Away from aging parents who need help. We live thousands of miles away from both my mom and my FIL. We are unable to make trips to see them due to financial constraints. In the state we are now in, we have few friends and not a huge support system.

Hind sight is always 20/20, but I do wish we didn't move so much. There is something to be said for a great network.
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Old 04-12-2019, 11:20 AM
 
Location: SNA=>PDX 2013
2,629 posts, read 3,030,069 times
Reputation: 3006
Quote:
Originally Posted by ringler24 View Post
Says the poster who isn't married and doesn't have kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maduro lonsdale View Post
Well a marriage and having kids are both that 'punch in the face.' In a good way. Both will force you to talk openly, and compromise, and evolve. Singles and people without kids wouldn't have that experience to speak from. I barely resemble the person who stood at the altar almost 20 years ago. Thank god.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ninjamyst View Post
IMO, relationship is about compromises.

Many of you have talked about compromise and felt the OP's wife needs to make that compromise and change, because everything changes. But didn't the OP compromise on never moving so he could marry the woman he loved who just happened to state she'd never move? So I'm curious, why do you expect her to compromise now? I don't mean in a "you need to compromise and make him happy" way, but she stated her needs (be within driving distance to her family), so why is it she needs to compromise when he wasn't truly honest with her?



Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Noooooooooooope. This isn't about jobs, or having kids, or the fact that things change. This is about whether or not he can respect her wishes. It's ok to revisit the topic from time to time to see if life changes will change her mind. But planning and hoping to convince her to go just because it's what he wants, when she's already stated it's not what she wants, I can't see that ending well.

In my case I was the spouse who wanted to move, and before we married I was quite clear about that, and how much I hated the city we lived at the time. He promised that we would move when the time was right, and never meant a word of it. My spouse was the one with the idea that I'd get used to it, that I'd come around to his way of thinking, that I'd change my mind eventually. I totally felt like my feelings weren't respected, that I was being manipulated. Along with that came a loss of trust, a lack of credibility, and a lot of anger and resentment. None of which is great for a relationship.

Don't belittle your wife's wishes and act as though your reasons for wanting to move are better or more important than her reasons for wanting to stay.
Exactly. This is what happened with me, but with kids. And this is what I see the OP doing with his wife. Maybe he's not, but that's totally what it sounds like in this thread.
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