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Old 04-11-2019, 09:01 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,379 posts, read 14,221,785 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crone View Post
I married my husband, not his family or his job. I wanted him be happy. We moved every 18-24 months for the 1st. 20 years. We have lived all over and owned 17 houses.

Family can visit.
And I bet you were both in agreement about that before you married.
This situation is different as his wife is apparently not of the mindset that she's willing to do whatever to make HIM happy, and she let him know that upfront before marriage.
If we reverse the situation wouldn't it make as much sense to say that he should do whatever she wants to make HER happy? Meaning to stop assuming that her desire not to move is some sort of silly whim that she might change her mind about, if only he can find just the right reason. Asking her a question isn't disrespectful, assuming that she doesn't know her own mind is.
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Old 04-11-2019, 09:12 AM
 
11,280 posts, read 8,367,154 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
And I bet you were both in agreement about that before you married.
This situation is different as his wife is apparently not of the mindset that she's willing to do whatever to make HIM happy, and she let him know that upfront before marriage.
If we reverse the situation wouldn't it make as much sense to say that he should do whatever she wants to make HER happy? Meaning to stop assuming that her desire not to move is some sort of silly whim that she might change her mind about, if only he can find just the right reason. Asking her a question isn't disrespectful, assuming that she doesn't know her own mind is.
Nawh.

We did understand when 2 people plan to spend a lifetime together compromises will need to be made. Not everyone can have all they want or need 100% of the time.
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Old 04-11-2019, 10:29 AM
 
356 posts, read 80,156 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crone View Post
Nawh.

We did understand when 2 people plan to spend a lifetime together compromises will need to be made. Not everyone can have all they want or need 100% of the time.
And to add to this...things CHANGE, change is the natural state of life. I'd be very careful and wary of relying as Gospel on something stated early on in a marriage. Heck, as soon as my first kid popped out 80% of the things I was sure about went flying out the window.
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Old 04-11-2019, 11:35 AM
 
1,199 posts, read 1,095,022 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ringler24 View Post
Okay I just talked to my NYC dept of ed friend. She currently makes 83k. With her education and years of experience she would be 66k here in Phoenix. However, the cost of living is astronomical in NYC. I know for certain we would pay at least 3k MORE a month just in housing there (and a much smaller space) and that's including a nice house in the suburbs (my family is in Westchester and my sister's property tax is over 2k a month. Suddenly the NYC salary isn't so hot. They do have a great pension but if she's vested, then it doesn't really matter. I know areas of Denver metro pay really well for experienced quality teachers. Bottom line, it can't be about the stellar teaching job she has. Because that amazing salary really isn't all that great.
i agree almost entirely. she IS vested, however leaving tenure is (kind of) a big deal and she would also likely be giving up years of service.

that said, i think family is the most important thing tying us here!
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Old 04-11-2019, 11:48 AM
 
11,280 posts, read 8,367,154 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maduro lonsdale View Post
And to add to this...things CHANGE, change is the natural state of life. I'd be very careful and wary of relying as Gospel on something stated early on in a marriage. Heck, as soon as my first kid popped out 80% of the things I was sure about went flying out the window.
I learned that lesson, too.

That's when DH made that old agreement, the one who left first had to take the kids.

Kept us together 30 years. Then it was my mom.

By then divorce was just more trouble than it was worth. But even at 62 years married, there is compromise almost daily.

That, plus moving to a town where you know not one living soul is pretty educational. And affirming. The kids and I did that several times. It enables one to learn things about themselves previously undiscovered.
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Old 04-11-2019, 12:33 PM
 
358 posts, read 232,361 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaolin Shadowboxing View Post
i agree almost entirely. she IS vested, however leaving tenure is (kind of) a big deal and she would also likely be giving up years of service.

that said, i think family is the most important thing tying us here!

Leaving tenure isn't a big deal if you're a good teacher. Good teachers don't need to rely on that for job security. Not sure how many years in she is or how that would effect when she can retire, but if if you don't have kids yet and plan to then she's still young. Like you said, it might be all about family.
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Old 04-11-2019, 12:58 PM
 
Location: SNA=>PDX 2013
2,623 posts, read 3,026,208 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaolin Shadowboxing View Post
asking a question is now disrespectful. whew boy, them some mental gymnastics me thinks.

No. Asking a question you already had a discussion about, got an answer for, and then hoping for a different answer is the definition of insanity. But hey, keep posting, I want to see how this ends (trainwreck; hard to look away).
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Old 04-11-2019, 01:33 PM
 
Location: SNA=>PDX 2013
2,623 posts, read 3,026,208 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maduro lonsdale View Post
And to add to this...things CHANGE, change is the natural state of life. I'd be very careful and wary of relying as Gospel on something stated early on in a marriage. Heck, as soon as my first kid popped out 80% of the things I was sure about went flying out the window.
My dealbreakers are: wanting kids (I don't want any), moving away from the west coast (I refuse), getting rid of my dogs or not having dogs (I'll only not have dogs if I can't physically care for them).
That will never change. Not for anyone. No human is that important that I'll change my mind. But hey, I'm willing to compromise on almost everything else. And yes, people change, circumstances change, but some words ARE gospel, but it depends on the person and what is most important to them. You need to know the person well enough to know if they'll change their mind.

And from what I've read here, it sounds like family isn't something that is to be compromised on. No wait, her compromise was moving only as far as a car drive away.

Quote:
my spouse does not want to ever move any further than driving distance from her family (parents and sister).
I bolded the most important word. I doubt she'll ever move. She's made that clear before they got married and I'm going to assume again when he asked recently.

Oh and FYI having a kid changes everything. I can bet you if the OP and his wife have a kid, she definitely will NEVER EVER move.
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Old 04-11-2019, 01:47 PM
 
358 posts, read 232,361 times
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Says the poster who isn't married and doesn't have kids.





Most people on this thread are vehement that the OP is being awful. How many of you have raised children in the NYC area? We didn't want to move far away from family. I didn't ever want to leave my teaching job. Lots of plans and ideas we had were out the window when reality hit. I agonized over having to go back to work after having my first 2 kids. Being around high maintenance kids all day long and then having nothing left in me for my own really sucked. Literally wanted to quit every day. NYC is an extremely difficult place to have a good work life balance. And raising kids there can feel like it's sucking the life out of you. For us, my DH was commuting an absolutely absurd distance so we could provide a decent home for our kids. They never saw him, and he missed important things in their lives. So in effect we were all miserable. I 100% wanted to always stay near my sister and parents, but DH has a very niche career and so when he started looking outside NYC we had to be flexible. Bam we move to Phoenix. I hate living far from my family, but that needed to happen so our nuclear family could find some stability. Now that DH works 15 minutes away, and we can still have the space we need, I can say it's been worth it. So who knows which way the OP and his wife will sway when a baby comes along. She may very likely want to stay home with that baby for a while, but in NY that may not be possible. Priorities change. Also, sometimes it's the grown kids who move and the parents end up following (especially when grandkids are involved).

Last edited by ringler24; 04-11-2019 at 01:55 PM..
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Old 04-11-2019, 02:25 PM
 
356 posts, read 80,156 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ringler24 View Post
Says the poster who isn't married and doesn't have kids.
Yeppppp.

What's the saying, "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face?"

Well a marriage and having kids are both that 'punch in the face.' In a good way. Both will force you to talk openly, and compromise, and evolve. Singles and people without kids wouldn't have that experience to speak from. I barely resemble the person who stood at the altar almost 20 years ago. Thank god.

There's nothing magical or universally better about wanting to move or wanting to stay put. Either choice could be the result of healthy OR unhealthy thoughts and influences.

TBH, in this instance, it sounds like a little bit of the OP's desire to move is about defiance. A little. Maybe flavored by a bit of being tired of his wife's family's involvement (saying this as someone who has BEEN THERE)? OTOH, there is nothing wrong with establishing your career and breadth of experience while one is still young.

And I feel like it's likely the wife MIGHT be too attached to her family of origin? Maybe...
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