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Old 04-10-2019, 02:32 PM
 
566 posts, read 567,039 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
Earlier in the thread, it was "we'll probably break even." You're spinning a bit, I think.

Because she would take a significant pay cut.
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Old 04-10-2019, 04:27 PM
 
Location: SNA=>PDX 2013
2,793 posts, read 4,051,896 times
Reputation: 3300
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaolin Shadowboxing View Post
obviously not a dealbreaker as we had this discussion prior to marriage

So, you discussed this but instead of respecting her, you are now asking if she'd theoretically move across the country? That seems a bit disrespectful to her, like you didn't believe her. I get people change, but usually on things like this, not so much. If you want kids, then being near family is 100x easier. If she won't move away from her family, then don't. It also seems like you're trivializing her desires by saying she can get a job and stuff; dude, it's not about finding her a job or anything like that. Wake up. She wants to be near her family and moving away at such a distance will never work.

I lived within 50 miles of my childhood home until 6 years ago when I moved up the coast, but far enough that driving home sucks (12-16 hours). I left all my family behind and for the first time in my life, I was fine with that. When I started dating, I had to make it very clear that I would, in no way, leave the west coast (lots of transient people in OR). If I married and my husband asked me if I'd be willing to move to NY; I'd laugh in his face and tell him if he wants to go, enjoy himself, and I'll be sure to send the divorce papers. I don't do long distance unless there's a damned good reason, a job isn't one of them.

Lastly, I've known a handful of couples who did this. And this is even when it was for a great job opp and the person who didn't want to move, tried to make it work. All it led to was heartbreak (being away from family was the biggest issue), loneliness for the person that didn't want to go, and divorce due to differing priorities. When I look back, as they did too, once the question was formed it was a red flag that the person that wanted to leave didn't respect the wishes of the one that did; that they had different priorities that either changed or that they said wasn't important, but it was. If you are even asking, then I have to ask you, do you not care what your wife said before marriage? What changed? Maybe you need to address that first. You knew she would never want to leave; what made you think you could "change her mind" or that "she would change her mind"?
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Old 04-10-2019, 07:16 PM
 
1,252 posts, read 1,713,780 times
Reputation: 510
Quote:
Originally Posted by psichick View Post
So, you discussed this but instead of respecting her, you are now asking if she'd theoretically move across the country? That seems a bit disrespectful to her, like you didn't believe her. I get people change, but usually on things like this, not so much. If you want kids, then being near family is 100x easier. If she won't move away from her family, then don't. It also seems like you're trivializing her desires by saying she can get a job and stuff; dude, it's not about finding her a job or anything like that. Wake up. She wants to be near her family and moving away at such a distance will never work.

I lived within 50 miles of my childhood home until 6 years ago when I moved up the coast, but far enough that driving home sucks (12-16 hours). I left all my family behind and for the first time in my life, I was fine with that. When I started dating, I had to make it very clear that I would, in no way, leave the west coast (lots of transient people in OR). If I married and my husband asked me if I'd be willing to move to NY; I'd laugh in his face and tell him if he wants to go, enjoy himself, and I'll be sure to send the divorce papers. I don't do long distance unless there's a damned good reason, a job isn't one of them.

Lastly, I've known a handful of couples who did this. And this is even when it was for a great job opp and the person who didn't want to move, tried to make it work. All it led to was heartbreak (being away from family was the biggest issue), loneliness for the person that didn't want to go, and divorce due to differing priorities. When I look back, as they did too, once the question was formed it was a red flag that the person that wanted to leave didn't respect the wishes of the one that did; that they had different priorities that either changed or that they said wasn't important, but it was. If you are even asking, then I have to ask you, do you not care what your wife said before marriage? What changed? Maybe you need to address that first. You knew she would never want to leave; what made you think you could "change her mind" or that "she would change her mind"?
asking a question is now disrespectful. whew boy, them some mental gymnastics me thinks.
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Old 04-10-2019, 07:18 PM
 
1,252 posts, read 1,713,780 times
Reputation: 510
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
Earlier in the thread, it was "we'll probably break even." You're spinning a bit, I think.
i'd likely bump up to $150+. she'd come down to $50-60K at worst.

again, theoretical, but just a bit better than even.
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Old 04-10-2019, 07:26 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
11,119 posts, read 5,539,777 times
Reputation: 16595
Quote:
Originally Posted by BusyMeAK View Post
Can she take a "sabbatical" year and just have kind of a long vacation before actual move? As a "big city girl" I wooldn't, knowing what I know now, ever move from a big city to a smaller one. Especially from East to West coast. NY's vibe is unparalleled. But maybe you both will find somewhere things more valuable for you than that buzz.
It seems that half the hordes of people who have moved here to Oregon, have come from New York. So they must have a difference of opinion about that, than you.
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Old 04-10-2019, 07:31 PM
 
23,761 posts, read 14,878,950 times
Reputation: 12812
What happened to that leaving and cleaving that marriage is supposed to be?

Begining teachers with no advanced degree start out at 50+ in most Texas towns, some 60K. She would get extra for every year worked. IS she vested in the pension?

For 2000 a month you could buy a very nice house in areas all around Dallas. Does she intend to spend $25,000 a year to live in her aunt's basement forever.

Nice looking, competent single women are a dime a dozen. Get on with your life and career. Leave her to her family and her aunt's basement.

I married my husband, not his family or his job. I wanted him be happy. We moved every 18-24 months for the 1st. 20 years. We have lived all over and owned 17 houses.

Family can visit.
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Old 04-10-2019, 07:49 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
6,895 posts, read 5,807,760 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crone View Post
Begining teachers with no advanced degree start out at 50+ in most Texas towns, some 60K.
Wow, things must have really improved for teachers in Texas in the last decade. In 2004 I started at about 35K as a new teacher, and that was with a few bumps on the pay scale for advanced education and whatnot.
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Old 04-11-2019, 06:02 AM
 
23,761 posts, read 14,878,950 times
Reputation: 12812
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
Wow, things must have really improved for teachers in Texas in the last decade. In 2004 I started at about 35K as a new teacher, and that was with a few bumps on the pay scale for advanced education and whatnot.
In 2004 the district I lived in was starting at 45000. Good teachers are hard to find, so the ISD's started upping the starting salaries in the large suburban districts. Many teachers leave around year 5. The average pay is +/- $65. If he is with an airline, any ISD around the DFW airport will be competitive. Add on a master's and one after school activity and the pay goes up, not much, but every little bit helps.

The state just approved a 5000 raise for teachers.
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Old 04-11-2019, 08:32 AM
 
1,252 posts, read 1,713,780 times
Reputation: 510
Quote:
Originally Posted by crone View Post
What happened to that leaving and cleaving that marriage is supposed to be?

Begining teachers with no advanced degree start out at 50+ in most Texas towns, some 60K. She would get extra for every year worked. IS she vested in the pension?

For 2000 a month you could buy a very nice house in areas all around Dallas. Does she intend to spend $25,000 a year to live in her aunt's basement forever.

Nice looking, competent single women are a dime a dozen. Get on with your life and career. Leave her to her family and her aunt's basement.

I married my husband, not his family or his job. I wanted him be happy. We moved every 18-24 months for the 1st. 20 years. We have lived all over and owned 17 houses.

Family can visit.
i don't think this was directed at me. i have no interest in Texas at all. the only reason i want to move is to be closer to nature, hobbies and weather that suit me.

that said i do like your approach in regards to the bolded.
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Old 04-11-2019, 08:48 AM
 
566 posts, read 567,039 times
Reputation: 901
Okay I just talked to my NYC dept of ed friend. She currently makes 83k. With her education and years of experience she would be 66k here in Phoenix. However, the cost of living is astronomical in NYC. I know for certain we would pay at least 3k MORE a month just in housing there (and a much smaller space) and that's including a nice house in the suburbs (my family is in Westchester and my sister's property tax is over 2k a month. Suddenly the NYC salary isn't so hot. They do have a great pension but if she's vested, then it doesn't really matter. I know areas of Denver metro pay really well for experienced quality teachers. Bottom line, it can't be about the stellar teaching job she has. Because that amazing salary really isn't all that great.
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