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Old 06-15-2008, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
12,626 posts, read 31,921,305 times
Reputation: 5419

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We live in FL and are visiting PA where we are originally from. My sister is giving me a guilt trip about moving back to PA closer to family. My in-laws are all here too. We are selling our house in FL, but were planning on moving to NC to be closer. She is saying it's not close enough. Although, I miss and love my family, I don't see myself ever going back to PA. I just can't handle the long winters and days without sun. It makes me very depressed and the lamp doesn't cut it. My husband wants to be in PA too. We have a daughter and son. Both prefer to stay in FL. My daughter is going to be 18 and she wants to stay. My son says if we move, he prefers to go back to PA. I just can't see leaving my daughter either b/c she is nt responsible enough to live on her own. I know some kids are, but she definately isn't. It's causing me alot of anxiety and I just don't know what to do. I really like NC and I thought that was a compromise.
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Old 06-16-2008, 06:09 AM
 
Location: Chaos Central
1,122 posts, read 4,096,008 times
Reputation: 902
IMO you and your husband need to come to a decision together. Your relatives will learn to deal with it, and your kids will (eventually) be out on their own - you need to seriously think about where you want to be. If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy
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Old 06-16-2008, 06:32 AM
 
Location: Oxford, OH
1,461 posts, read 3,641,476 times
Reputation: 834
That is so difficult. I guess at this stage of my life family is so important to me. We are just in the grand parent stage. Our kids are all over and it kills me. I guess I think extended families are so important to children growing up. We spent time with both sets of grand parents, Aunt, Uncles and cousins growing up and what a difference I think they made to me. We have five children and we live in OH. Two boys live in CA, one in TX and the two girls, both with grand babies live close by. I watch two of the grand daughters several days a week when my daughter is teaching. I wouldn't miss this for the world
We go to FL for about a month for a break from the weather. I see older folks like us and when I chat with them I ask them how they can stand to be away from the grand children. A typical answer is, "oh they know where to find us" I guess that is not good enough for me. In a tough world, with not all possitve influences, I think you family needs to be close and a safe place to land.
Maybe you could compromise and live near the family but have breaks to get out of the winters. My dad lives on the lake in PA and comes down here for two months for a break. He's 87 and loves all the nature in PA. Plus the sunsets on Lake Erie are wonderful.
You have to come up with what your priorities are as a family...
Best of luck to you
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:37 AM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
12,626 posts, read 31,921,305 times
Reputation: 5419
Thanks. I'm just so torn and I want everyone to be happy. I know that's probably impossible.
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Old 06-16-2008, 03:50 PM
 
Location: Tucson!
415 posts, read 1,676,407 times
Reputation: 232
You have to do what feels right to you. I got to the point of telling "everyone" that I am no longer living my life for them. I am not from Buffalo, but my S.O. is. We have 2 kids together. His whole family is here. I've lived lots of places so for me to pack up is not a big deal in the big scheme of things.

His mother always gives me the guilt trip because i'm taking her grandbabies away. I hear the same thing from my NY mom who tells me she is never going to see me again because she won't fly. (She is currently downstate NY about 7 hours away.) The thing is for me I need to go move to Tucson to be with my Arizona family who I don't even know their middle names, favorite colors, etc.

I know exactly where you are coming from and it is so important to make the decision for YOU. Everyone else will just have to deal with it (and hopefully not give you too much crap over it).

Good luck!
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Old 06-16-2008, 09:03 PM
 
8,726 posts, read 7,357,611 times
Reputation: 12612
I just love how everyone in my family expects me to bend over backwards for them and move close even though many years ago I left because the place sucks.

But I never see any effort from any of them wanting to relocate to where I am.
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Old 06-16-2008, 09:06 PM
 
69,368 posts, read 63,862,710 times
Reputation: 9383
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
We live in FL and are visiting PA where we are originally from. My sister is giving me a guilt trip about moving back to PA closer to family. My in-laws are all here too. We are selling our house in FL, but were planning on moving to NC to be closer. She is saying it's not close enough. Although, I miss and love my family, I don't see myself ever going back to PA. I just can't handle the long winters and days without sun. It makes me very depressed and the lamp doesn't cut it. My husband wants to be in PA too. We have a daughter and son. Both prefer to stay in FL. My daughter is going to be 18 and she wants to stay. My son says if we move, he prefers to go back to PA. I just can't see leaving my daughter either b/c she is nt responsible enough to live on her own. I know some kids are, but she definately isn't. It's causing me alot of anxiety and I just don't know what to do. I really like NC and I thought that was a compromise.
I know EXACTLY what your going through. I live in PA, I bought a house an hour away to get my family away from my inlaws.. They are driving us BONKERS....

Well ever since we bought the house, we've been bombarded with calls and non stop harrassing over how my fiance will DIE, if we move that far away.. (I kid you not)...

I can not wait to move, and the more I think about it, an hour away is still to close..
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Old 06-17-2008, 10:01 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
12,626 posts, read 31,921,305 times
Reputation: 5419
Being here in PA reminds me of how glad I was to move away from in-laws. I hear you. Although I love my in-laws, if you're too close, they sure can drive you nuts. It seems they rely on you for everything. I don't mind helping sometimes, but they sure tend to get too comfortable.
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Old 06-17-2008, 11:10 PM
 
Location: Atlanta suburb
4,725 posts, read 10,100,311 times
Reputation: 3490
Wink Live where you are the happiness.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
Being here in PA reminds me of how glad I was to move away from in-laws. I hear you. Although I love my in-laws, if you're too close, they sure can drive you nuts. It seems they rely on you for everything. I don't mind helping sometimes, but they sure tend to get too comfortable.
Beckycat, I think that it isn't just in-laws that it difficult to live too close to. Any relative, including your own folks, will find a way to interrupt your life - not intentionally usually.

We have lived all over the country. Because our four sons are so spread out in ages (17 years from the youngest to the oldest), it seems that we have left one of them behind each time we have moved. We now have one in GA, soon to return to PA, one in CT, one in MI and one in TX. Most of the extended family is in PA and we are retiring in TN.

We feel that TN is a good compromise in our situation, but more importantly, we are doing what makes DH and I happy. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness but your own.

If you try to locate yourselves to make any relative pleased as punch, you will most likely end up miserable yourself. A home is more than a house and a location. It is where you want to hang your hat and heart. Find a spot that will make you the most content and when the relatives miss you so much they can't stand it any longer, they can come and visit!

Remember, we are all just a phone call away. Maybe for that anxiety-driven relative who just has to have you closer, a five minute phone call every other day may just do the trick. Who knows, it may make the relative sick of hearing from you so often.
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Old 06-17-2008, 11:32 PM
 
Location: Cosmic Consciousness
3,871 posts, read 17,055,509 times
Reputation: 2701
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
... I want everyone to be happy.
Beckycat, if you ruled the world, you could enact a law requiring everyone to be happy... and how would you enforce that law? What would be the punishment for non-compliance? Death?

Through that bit of satire, I'd love for you to see that "wanting everyone to be happy" and "reality" are mutually exclusive. You cannot make anyone do, feel or think anything. Who makes YOU -- forces you -- to think any thought, choose any emotion, walk across a room or study French? No one.

Just as no one goes inside your head and controls your being, you cannot control anyone else's reactions to anything, ever. People's feelings are their own choosing. We can suggest; we can cajole; and then we drop it because we cannot control. People will be exactly what they choose to be. Others' feelings are not your responsibility. Why? Because you can control nothing about them.

So -- sunsets and lakes are irrelevant. You and hubster have a family. You and hubster get to -- together -- steer the course of that family. The two of you get to choose together where you four will live together. Minor children go with parents. Adult children choose what makes them happy. Everyone else chooses to be happy about it or crappy about it; if the latter, they get a nice Christmas card, period. Life really is simple... Have fun!
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