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Old 07-08-2008, 06:46 AM
 
Location: Moon Over Palmettos
5,975 posts, read 17,537,158 times
Reputation: 5005

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I can't believe the preaching the OP received from most of the respondents here. Sometimes, to be a better parent, one has to better onesself first. That is NOT necessarily selfish, bad parenting, running away from responsibility, etc. etc. or anything else. Many times, it is the lesser of two evils. Would she miss the little life events in her children's lives...yes! Is that her cross to bear?! Why of course yes! It amazes me why you guys think it's EASY for the OP to make this decision. As she had posted at the start of the thread, she was looking for experiences!

My cousins who are abroad, have left their children with their grandparents to work in a foreign land so they can provide a good education. Do their kids resent that? No. Did they grow up to be axe murderers or serial killers? They certainly did not.

My uncle left his wife and children to come to the US back in 1984 to work. Two years later, his wife joined him here. That was a selfish move on her part I believe since she came here to be with him, thinking he was cheating on her. The kids she left behind were in grade school. One of them had a slight disability. On top of that, she got pregnant here and gave birth to another child. It took them years to be able to bring the two children here. They were already both out of college. We were wondering how resentful they would have been, from both their parents leaving them to be raised by aunts, uncles and grandparents, and on top of that, having a brother they have never met, born in the US, and reaping all the benefits of growing up here. When they were finally able to join their parents, it took all of a day of "how could you's?", but that was all it took. I guess they realize that they are now altogether, and the home and the situation they can all enjoy together the rest of their lives was worth their parents' (and theirs) sacrifice. I know my uncle's wife had to bear all the judgment, the sermonizing, the look of horror, disgust and spite out of all her relative's eyes for years. In the end, the reunion was happy. Now could this be a once-in-a-lifetime fairty tale ending and a minority situation? Possibly. Anything is possible.

Countrygal...I could only suggest this...if you wanted to move out of state to a better place for you and your kids later, please explore every possibility you can to look for a job there from where you are before you move. That way, perhaps you can take your children with you at the time of your move. If you are moving with no intention of taking your children, I have to say that you are taking a very big chance that they will not forgive you for it later. If that is a chance you are willing to take, I wish you the best, and hope that you can make your children understand the logic of your decision.

 
Old 07-08-2008, 08:40 AM
 
8,077 posts, read 13,390,809 times
Reputation: 10321
Quote:
Originally Posted by overtaxedunderpaided View Post
Just talk to the right people..........your kids! They're the only ones that count. After giving them time to adjust to the circumstances they'll probably give you their blessings.
The truth in small doses.........a little at a time
Blessings from 3 and 4 year olds????
Are you serious?
 
Old 07-08-2008, 09:12 AM
 
Location: West Virginia
12,371 posts, read 31,261,979 times
Reputation: 8057
Country What makes you think that after the kids have grown up you could not then move to your DREAM STATE??
 
Old 07-08-2008, 09:39 AM
 
8,077 posts, read 13,390,809 times
Reputation: 10321
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katie1 View Post
Country What makes you think that after the kids have grown up you could not then move to your DREAM STATE??
or talk your Ex into moving there also.
 
Old 07-08-2008, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Somewhere out there...
3,662 posts, read 7,495,554 times
Reputation: 3705
You should just leave your kids with your ex and go. Your kids may be happier with their dad anyway. Kids can sense when there parents don't want to be around.Go find your happy little world and deal with consequences later.
 
Old 07-08-2008, 10:41 AM
 
25 posts, read 71,756 times
Reputation: 21
I saw this post when you first posted. I thought to my self this can go one way or the other. Well the way I assumed it to go is where this thread has gone.

As a SAHM/ FT legal student (soon to FT working & PT- student) to a 4 yr old and 1yr old I CAN'T imagine leaving them!! My husband is an excellent father too. However, this is my life and my thoughts.

I'm not here to judge you.

It appears that you want to increase the financial responsibilities that come along w/ parenting, but what about the emotional? If your children aren't that close to you, then they may do fine. My niece & nephew are fine with their dad as they weren't that close to their mom in the first place. Their mom provides financially via child support.

On the other hand, personally, my mother had ambitions similar to yours She 'kept' us until we turned 18. Prior to 18...... it was clear to us that my mother had dreams and goals to accomplish. So regardless if your children are near or far, your intentions will show. Just be honest. If they are better of with their dad....just tell them.

I say that because as 3 adults we were still looking to connect w/ my mother on a deeper level. I have come to realize that my mom felt cheated that the 'events' in her life did not play out the way she 'dreamed.' Therefore, her life became 'about her' which left us with several different thoughts. Me- made me more independent as I lost the sense of security that all children yern for - this at times conflicts with my husband. My older sister- very dependant on others....requires endless attention. Younger sister- very dependant & paronoid that NO ONE will ever care and NOTHING last.

My mom will say to this day that decisions she made were simply to provide a better financial life for us. I believe she felt cheated. I love her but none of us are close to her. All three of us live appx 800 miles away from her- I will soon be moving near. My kids really don't know her and she is now regretting a lot.

Surely you knew this state was your dream state proir to having your younger children.......Just think long and hard about your choice...perhaps your family member who has actually lived situation can provide you with the most realistic answer....Ultimately you will choose what you want...no need in getting flamed about it.

Good Luck in your pursuit to happiness....
 
Old 07-08-2008, 10:48 AM
 
Location: West Virginia
12,371 posts, read 31,261,979 times
Reputation: 8057
Kids this young will soon forget about their Birth mom & call even a Step mom MOM after awhile. Even a Grand mother will become MOM to them. But what happens later whe She decides to take them back. Thats going to be even more damage to them.
IF she leaves them then she should not come back & rip their hearts out again. SHE decide to leave to follow HER dream. And when She decides that she wants her kids back Shes going to rip them out of the arms of people the Kids have come to depend on. I think she just should give them up for adoption and forget about them. After awhile they will forget her.
 
Old 07-08-2008, 11:02 AM
 
Location: Home!
8,710 posts, read 10,369,228 times
Reputation: 8511
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katie1 View Post
Kids this young will soon forget about their Birth mom & call even a Step mom MOM after awhile. Even a Grand mother will become MOM to them. But what happens later whe She decides to take them back. Thats going to be even more damage to them.
IF she leaves them then she should not come back & rip their hearts out again. SHE decide to leave to follow HER dream. And when She decides that she wants her kids back Shes going to rip them out of the arms of people the Kids have come to depend on. I think she just should give them up for adoption and forget about them. After awhile they will forget her.

Just wondering, is this an assumption or personal experience talking?

I wanted my children to have the best stepmom ever. Didn't happen and they cannot stand her. Unfortunate because it has driven them away from their father who loves them so much and often asks why they don't come over more often or move in with them.

A parent who truly loves their children would not come back and RIP them away from anyone. They will have their own relationship and they will have to foster that.

You have a one track thought on this and that is fine for you. But the world is not so one track. Thank God not every child that lives without a bio parent becomes a derelict in society.
 
Old 07-08-2008, 11:07 AM
 
25 posts, read 71,756 times
Reputation: 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katie1 View Post
Even a Grand mother will become MOM to them.
I have to say....This is true. With decisions like this we have to prepare ourselves for the consequences. I'm sure that OP knows that EVERY action has a consequence. Many.
 
Old 07-08-2008, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Texas...bout to move to wv
13 posts, read 78,638 times
Reputation: 18
Default missing mothers

hey,
my mother left me 8 years ago and she said she would never leave me... I live in texas, and she went to florida.... I have never forgiven her i was 13 at the time....she took my sister and left me.... I think you should ask your kids and listen to them my mom didnt do that...our relationship is now very strained even tho she came back..... i grew up with my dad.....it is very hard on the kids



kryssy
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