U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > General Moving Issues
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-19-2008, 04:30 PM
 
596 posts, read 765,712 times
Reputation: 1080

Advertisements

My husband and I both got laid off in October. My company was willing to relocate us to the new office 2000 miles away. They offered as a relocation package the same as my severance $$ amount (which is pretty generous in this economy). We accepted and have found a house to rent, checked out the schools, etc.

The problem is my husband really seems depressed. I know this is natural under the circumstances. Moving to a strange area, losing his job, the uncertainty of the future is all hard. However, he keeps saying things like, "This move is killing me inside." I wake up in the middle of the night to find him crying in bed (This man NEVER cries). He says he doesn't trust his own mind anymore. So all decision making is laid at my feet and I am still working full time. He is usually the most organized, intelligent person, now he forgets things all the time.

I know part of it is moving so far away from his parents and taking the grandkids away from them. He feels an enormous amount of guilt for that. And his parents are AWESOME. Best in-laws/parents/grandparents EVER.

However, my feeling is that we have to do what we have to do to survive. I really don't see any jobs popping up around here. I just don't think we have any other choice, especially this far into the process. Am I being insensitive? Should I just call the whole thing off and hope for the best? I'm afraid that if I do that and we DON'T find jobs here locally, I will end up with a lot of resentment toward him.

Help!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-19-2008, 05:00 PM
 
1,949 posts, read 5,315,098 times
Reputation: 1280
Have you asked him what if he wants to call it off and if so, can you come up with a plan together to work things out where you are? You aren't being insensitive and it is totally understandable that you need to go where the job is...but what happens if you get laid off from this job also? Are there better opportunities where you will be relocated to or will you be in the same boat again?

You said you will get severance if you don't relocate. Is it enough to last while you both look for new jobs? What about his parents? Can they help?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-19-2008, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Central Texas
20,410 posts, read 37,788,066 times
Reputation: 22550
It sounds to me like he IS depressed, and could benefit from some counseling. Not that he doesn't have very good reason to be, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need an objective third party to talk to and work things out himself. The big clue for me is him saying he doesn't trust his own mind any more - I've been there and it's a scary place to be, but I did come out the other side, with help, and he will, too. It's just REALLY hard to see that at the time.

That being said, what about job opportunities for him where you're relocating to?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-19-2008, 05:04 PM
 
Location: In a chartreuse microbus
3,853 posts, read 5,301,436 times
Reputation: 8018
You and I, we need to trade girl!! My husband is itching to move, and I really don't want to. But seriously, what a dilemma for you. You are being practical job-wise, and this is hard when you don't have cooperation. Leaving a loving family is the worst. I wish I could offer you sound advice, but I really don't know. I hope you find wisdom on here. The Best to you and your family.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-19-2008, 05:16 PM
 
596 posts, read 765,712 times
Reputation: 1080
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamitrail View Post
Have you asked him what if he wants to call it off and if so, can you come up with a plan together to work things out where you are? You aren't being insensitive and it is totally understandable that you need to go where the job is...but what happens if you get laid off from this job also? Are there better opportunities where you will be relocated to or will you be in the same boat again?

You said you will get severance if you don't relocate. Is it enough to last while you both look for new jobs? What about his parents? Can they help?
Actually, I had to give up the severance to accept the new position. Now, if I back out, I get nothing. I just wish I knew how he felt before we took this step. Now it's too late.

There are more jobs in the area we are moving to. And my company is trying to help him find something, but they can't make any guarantees.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-19-2008, 05:19 PM
 
596 posts, read 765,712 times
Reputation: 1080
I have encouraged him to get counseling, but he says he is too busy with looking for a job and making arrangements for our move.

Is there anything I should be doing. I keep having to bite my tongue to stop myself from telling him to "Snap out of it!" I know that would not be helpful or productive. I try to be a good listener and compassionate. But I feel so helpless.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-19-2008, 05:21 PM
 
1,949 posts, read 5,315,098 times
Reputation: 1280
Well, then I guess it's too late and I agree with THL that he should get some help to deal with this. There are too many things happening to him at one time. If you don't see any way for you to survive where you are, then it's pretty much out of your hands. It stinks that things have to work out like this. I don't find it particularly fair.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-19-2008, 05:22 PM
 
1,949 posts, read 5,315,098 times
Reputation: 1280
My post came in after yours. Have him look for a counselor after you move, if his depression doesn't start to lift.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-19-2008, 09:47 PM
 
Location: The Big D
14,874 posts, read 37,245,485 times
Reputation: 5787
Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl View Post
The problem is my husband really seems depressed. I know this is natural under the circumstances. Moving to a strange area, losing his job, the uncertainty of the future is all hard. However, he keeps saying things like, "This move is killing me inside." I wake up in the middle of the night to find him crying in bed (This man NEVER cries). He says he doesn't trust his own mind anymore. So all decision making is laid at my feet and I am still working full time. He is usually the most organized, intelligent person, now he forgets things all the time.
!
He no longer is the MAIN breadwinner and supporter of his family. That CAN cause a lot of men to get very depressed. He does need to talk to someone. If he won't go to couseling talk to his dad and see if he can talk him thru it right now. With the holidays see if there is a chance for him and his dad to have some 1 on 1 time for a day or two. Go fishing, hunting, hiking, whatever it is that is a mutual interest for them that would be without any day to day interuptions. They would get to spend some quality time together bonding before they are so far apart AND maybe his dad can relate a similiar time he had at some point. Where he himself felt "less of a man" or something and had to rely on "mom" to get him through the tough time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl View Post
Actually, I had to give up the severance to accept the new position. Now, if I back out, I get nothing. I just wish I knew how he felt before we took this step. Now it's too late.

There are more jobs in the area we are moving to. And my company is trying to help him find something, but they can't make any guarantees.
Then it looks like unless a job appears real soon for the both of you that the move is the best option.

I was going to suggest you contact someone w/in your company to help in this area. Only thing is with the signs of depression I'd avoid being "the one" that helped him get a job. He needs to feel like he is the one in control of something right now. Something substantial that makes him feel like he is contributing a great deal to the family.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl View Post
I have encouraged him to get counseling, but he says he is too busy with looking for a job and making arrangements for our move.

Is there anything I should be doing. I keep having to bite my tongue to stop myself from telling him to "Snap out of it!" I know that would not be helpful or productive. I try to be a good listener and compassionate. But I feel so helpless.

Sounds like your doing a good job and a LOT better than most would in the same position. I remember growing up my dad being laid off and trying to find a job. Sometimes the only opening was in another city and/or state. Dad would have to go live there in a motel for awhile and everytime was lucky enough to get on back "at home". But during those times it was always tough. I can look back now and see there were times my dad was depressed during those times. He was the breadwinner and financial supporter of the family. It was his burden and he felt like he was letting us all down. It has to be tough on them. They were brought up being taught that was their role and doing anything else was a failure. This is why he needs to talk to SOMEONE. That way he can find out he is not the only person/man that has ever had to be in this position. If he is really close w/ his dad then talking to him like mentioned earlier might be of tremendous help.

GOOD LUCK
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-19-2008, 09:51 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,847 posts, read 30,341,628 times
Reputation: 22356
Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl View Post
My husband and I both got laid off in October. My company was willing to relocate us to the new office 2000 miles away. They offered as a relocation package the same as my severance $$ amount (which is pretty generous in this economy). We accepted and have found a house to rent, checked out the schools, etc.

The problem is my husband really seems depressed. I know this is natural under the circumstances. Moving to a strange area, losing his job, the uncertainty of the future is all hard. However, he keeps saying things like, "This move is killing me inside." I wake up in the middle of the night to find him crying in bed (This man NEVER cries). He says he doesn't trust his own mind anymore. So all decision making is laid at my feet and I am still working full time. He is usually the most organized, intelligent person, now he forgets things all the time.

I know part of it is moving so far away from his parents and taking the grandkids away from them. He feels an enormous amount of guilt for that. And his parents are AWESOME. Best in-laws/parents/grandparents EVER.

However, my feeling is that we have to do what we have to do to survive. I really don't see any jobs popping up around here. I just don't think we have any other choice, especially this far into the process. Am I being insensitive? Should I just call the whole thing off and hope for the best? I'm afraid that if I do that and we DON'T find jobs here locally, I will end up with a lot of resentment toward him.

Help!
It is emasculating to any man to be incapable of supporting his family. If you move you are simply reinforcing this not only to him but to his entire family. Small wonder he is crying.

I cannot believe, for the life of me that there are no jobs where you live. Please. Even if you BOTH have to get two lower paying jobs to survive, I certainly would not put my husband through this. What he has been through already is hard enough. Sell your house and cars and all that useless STUFF that is sitting in your over-priced garage and simplify your life. Give him back his pride at being the breadwinner again. Make him feel like your hero.

20yrsinBranson
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > General Moving Issues
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top