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Thread summary:

Relocating: economy, job market, registered nurse, sell our house, cost of living.

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Old 01-20-2009, 09:18 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas, NV
700 posts, read 2,333,907 times
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Show them some people living in their cars by the river, and explain that that will be them if Mommy and Daddy cant be left to make the best adult choices for the family without them whining about moving! Why dont they want to move??? Friends at school? well they wont be friends anymore after the girls cant clean themselves and have old ratty clothes (not that you would allow that to happen, but fear is quite the motivator!)

Im just picturing me telling my old man that I didnt want to move at 13 or 11 years old.....
And after he was done rolling on the floor laughing, he would have taken me down to the river.....but not for fishing!

Sometimes I think parents give to much credit to their kids....or feel that this will ruin their lives.
It wont.

Good luck man, really I do hope that your family can get past this and see the sun again!
5
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Old 01-20-2009, 10:05 PM
 
Location: Not where you ever lived
11,544 posts, read 26,000,098 times
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First of all, the in-laws need to butt out, even though they love their grandchildren. Perhaps the tough of those precious grandchildren living on welfare because of them will make them change their attitude.

Secondly, you are living with three hormonal females.. Get used to it. Is your wife willing to work full time and raise kids by herself?

You're in a real sticky wicket,, bro. Do you have a pastor? Family counceilling might help. Your wife is giving in to children who are not old enough to make life changing decisions. It is hard for kids to give up fiends. etc.., but if you were in the military they would have no choice except to move post to post. It is not the end of the world because the children think it is.

I don't think divorce is an answer as is compromise. Leave the kids with grandma and take the wife to a NICE dinner and talk about money and why you'd like to move. She doesn't understand how miserably cold a garage is in -30 weather even when it is heated and the doors are closed.

As long as you have kis and grandma between you and your wife, it is tough challenge but it can be won with patience and logic. In-fighting and an all out war will not win anything.

And don't forget to remind your girls that we do not always get what we pray for. Sometimes we we get what we need.

My 2 cents.
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Old 01-21-2009, 04:38 AM
 
Location: OH->FL->NJ
9,950 posts, read 8,081,025 times
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LOL from your description I thought you were in some place like Houghton MI. I had heard western part of lower MI was doing relatively OK. Guess not.

GL.

Ive been there done that except my parents understand. We were in FL an hour away when I got laid off in 2007. I ended up in NJ near NOONE we know.

Every day I escape out the door with both jobs and my health insurance intact... Im like... YES! live another day!
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Old 01-21-2009, 09:06 AM
 
Location: In God's country
1,059 posts, read 2,418,196 times
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When my husband and I decided to move, I was all with it and so was the kids. As the time was getting closer for us to make the move...I started questioning everything..Is this right? should be be doing this? ect. When i started to question, so did our girls. My husband stood his ground, and said we need to move, things are not getting better here, they may not be better where we're going, but we have to try. He knew deep down, this is what i wanted, he just had to remind me..several times.
Needless to say....My girls and I are so thankful that he stood his ground. We are very happy, even though its tough on us financially right now, we feel some peace within us.
So my suggestion to you is...if you and your wife agreed to it earlier...im sure she is just having the "moving what ifs" Just remind her that she was on board in the beginning and you need to go forth with those plans.
Best of luck to ya all..
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Old 01-21-2009, 09:15 AM
 
2,015 posts, read 4,663,746 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TNKY View Post
Okay, let me start by saying we are in West MI. We've (wife and I) have lived here for all but 4 years and we're going on 40. Things are terrible here and last winter I said I've had enough and we need to leave. Of course now the bad economy has since spread all over, but it remains worse here. We despise winters here (100+ inches of snow and sometimes weeks w/o sun). We fell in love with the south living in southern VA, but due to financial and family reasons we had to return to MI. It was one of the worse times of my life.

Fast forward to now, we have a 13, 11 and 7 year old. My job is going nowhere (actually was working 3 jobs last year, but one no longer needs me). Along with numberous other businesses in the area, we might be closed down though it's sorta doubtful. As a mechanic, most of my wages are off commision, and since we have double-digit unemployment, commision is very low nowadays. Now my wife's job, she works as an RN 2 days a week, is fine. She is one of the very few people in these parts who still gets raises. However, we are getting to the point of living paycheck to paycheck, something we left VA in part because of.

I have a chance to transfer to a succesful shop in TN, FL or NC which is like a dream come true. Everyone seemed fine with it, except the in-laws who are putting up a huge fuss (just like when we left for VA). This past fall, my 13 year old daughter turned 180 and now begs us not to move. Now, my 11 daughter has joined her and tells us she prays (literally) that we stay here. Even my wife has began with the doubts! I can't believe this. I am at a loss. The mere thought of staying here makes me extremely depressed.

I have spent 1 full year researching several cities that were in contention, and now I'm looking at 3 females (and the in-laws) who have changed their mind. I know my oldest daughter has a very demanding, spoiled personality and cries "unfair" and goes into a rage whenever she doesn't get what she wants, and I'm wondering if this is coming into play.

What do I do? Ride the storm out? My wife says when the girls graduate HS, we can leave (though why should I even trust that?). Try and go through with the move (if we can even sell our house) and the kids will eventually be fine? When this all began, I said if we can't sell our house this year, I look at that as God telling us to stay put. Now we may not even do this.

I miss the south's weather, the people, the food, the churches, the conservative feel and the feeling of independence (the in-laws are always in the picture here, which gets tiring). Give me some advice CD.
Well, here's my opinion, remember, just an opinion, take it for what it's worth and do whatever is best in your opinion.

I've lived in NE OH for almost 40 years, barring a 2 year stay in S. CA in my very early 20's in the 80's. I wasn't born in NE OH, came over from Europe when I was six years old. Times were good in NE OH during those days (good in MI, too, I presume) - as the manufacturing base was going very, very well. It all started to unravel here in NE OH in the mid to late 70's, probably in MI too as companies started departing, closing down local operations and moving out of the state. That happened for various reasons, reasons I'm not going to go into here in this post; being almost 40 years old, I'm sure that you know what they are.

Fast forward to what you're asking, do you move or do you stay in MI? Well, if MI is anything like deadsville NE OH, I say move to where there are opportunities for you. The one person's opinion that I would take into consideration would be your wife's because she is your life partner.

As far as your in-laws are concerned, forget that. If they love it in MI so much and if they want to support your family, then stay and let them do it.

As far as your girls are concerned and their opinion on whether or not to move, I'm going to tell you this and that's the fact that girls get to the age/stage where their friends mean the world to them, where their social status at school, their social network, their friends mean more to them than their schoolwork, their family, etc. Boys can be this way too, but girls (and women) more than boys/men, are very conscious about their social network and worry about not having that when they move. Is this a good reason for not moving for better opportunities? Not in my book!!! In my book, you have to move to where you can make a living as a husband and a father, and where your family has a greater chance of prospering. Your girls yelling "Not fair" would go in one ear and out the other. You are the parent, the father, the adult; you are the ones supporting your daughers/kids. When they are old enough, they get to make adult decisions, not now.

I'm not trying to knock MI or NE OH, but listen, man, enough is enough. I'm also sick of living in deadsville, where I'm at. For me, I don't have it bad at all, as my husband is in a good medical profession; but I feel for you as many of our friends are where you're at. I have my own business which I run from home and I can do it anywhere. On the weather angle, I can't take NE OH winters any more, the snow, ice, and most of all grayness which makes me feel like I'm hibernating all winter like a bear until the Spring comes. Seasonal Affective Disorder is real. Seriously, how can you prosper when you are feeling depressed? I think that this is something to really think about. Again, the only person that I'd work on convincing and telling her your dreams/goals is your wife. Forget the rest. The in-laws can do what you want. Your girls are going to come with you no matter what; you (and your wife) make the decisions as the adults that earn the income to support the family.

P.S. - the "move when the girls graduate from high school" - is beyond belief to me. Are you kidding me? Your youngest one is 7 years old? Our youngest is 7 years old too. We have a large family - kids ages 24 to age 7. Having to wait 11 more years until the youngest one graduates from high school in order to get the hello out of MI or NE OH - sounds like a death sentence, like living on death row. I don't mean to sound so melodramatic and/or negative, but come on! At that rate, you'll be in your 50's - that's when you're going to go out and get a mechanic's job in a new state? Does that even sound feasible to you? It doesn't to me. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be blunt, but let's face reality here; finding a job in one's 50's is going to be tougher than getting a job now right at 40 or a little before.

Something to think about for sure. I wish you the best. If it was me and if the question was, "do I stay or do I go" - my answer would be "go".
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Old 01-21-2009, 07:03 PM
 
Location: dfw
277 posts, read 400,783 times
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you are in a difficult predicament. i cannot believe the in-laws are putting their two cents in. too bad you just can't tell them to mind their own business. i would try to explain to your daughters, and your wife, that if you continue down that path in mi, putting food on the table and paying the mortgage may become tougher and tougher given the lack of job opportunity. you may want to say that depending on how things go, when the girls become 15 or 16, they may have to get a job to help support the family if they want to stay in michigan. another thing to look into is in-state college tuition for the states you are looking moving to for when your daughters want to go to college if they want to eventually. if i remember correctly, in-state tuition at public universities in florida is relatively cheap (all things considered). you could also offer that point to your daughters. best of luck.
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Old 01-22-2009, 08:32 PM
 
Location: Dixie's Sunny Shore
1,367 posts, read 2,917,415 times
Reputation: 825
I guess it's time for an update. The in-laws are on the offensive! Hard to believe my wife and I are almost 40 and her parents will not relinquish their attempt to thwart our move. Today, my F-I-L told my wife I needed to seek professional help and this move is not in our best interest. More like, not in their best interest. Of course this happened while I was at work and it brought my wife to tears and all over again she is now re-thinking the move. What did I say to her? We're not re-thinking a darn thing based on your parents wishes. What did I tell the F-I-L? Thanks for the advice but we're adults and it's no longer needed. So guess who the bad guy is? The soap opera continues. And, bibit612, surely I will update this post 6 months from now if indeed we escape this place.
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Old 01-22-2009, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Moon Over Palmettos
5,975 posts, read 17,592,410 times
Reputation: 5009
Quote:
Originally Posted by TNKY View Post
I guess it's time for an update. The in-laws are on the offensive! Hard to believe my wife and I are almost 40 and her parents will not relinquish their attempt to thwart our move. Today, my F-I-L told my wife I needed to seek professional help and this move is not in our best interest. More like, not in their best interest. Of course this happened while I was at work and it brought my wife to tears and all over again she is now re-thinking the move. What did I say to her? We're not re-thinking a darn thing based on your parents wishes. What did I tell the F-I-L? Thanks for the advice but we're adults and it's no longer needed. So guess who the bad guy is? The soap opera continues. And, bibit612, surely I will update this post 6 months from now if indeed we escape this place.
Know that we're on your side. Keep posting on the progress. Hang in there! Too bad you're not moving to my neck of the woods, cuz I'll be asking my daughter to send your daughters "juicy" reasons for moving.
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Old 01-22-2009, 09:17 PM
 
Location: this side of knoxville tn...
253 posts, read 709,964 times
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Default hello fellow michigander!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TNKY View Post
Okay, let me start by saying we are in West MI. We've (wife and I) have lived here for all but 4 years and we're going on 40. Things are terrible here and last winter I said I've had enough and we need to leave. Of course now the bad economy has since spread all over, but it remains worse here. We despise winters here (100+ inches of snow and sometimes weeks w/o sun). We fell in love with the south living in southern VA, but due to financial and family reasons we had to return to MI. It was one of the worse times of my life.

Fast forward to now, we have a 13, 11 and 7 year old. My job is going nowhere (actually was working 3 jobs last year, but one no longer needs me). Along with numberous other businesses in the area, we might be closed down though it's sorta doubtful. As a mechanic, most of my wages are off commision, and since we have double-digit unemployment, commision is very low nowadays. Now my wife's job, she works as an RN 2 days a week, is fine. She is one of the very few people in these parts who still gets raises. However, we are getting to the point of living paycheck to paycheck, something we left VA in part because of.

I have a chance to transfer to a succesful shop in TN, FL or NC which is like a dream come true. Everyone seemed fine with it, except the in-laws who are putting up a huge fuss (just like when we left for VA). This past fall, my 13 year old daughter turned 180 and now begs us not to move. Now, my 11 daughter has joined her and tells us she prays (literally) that we stay here. Even my wife has began with the doubts! I can't believe this. I am at a loss. The mere thought of staying here makes me extremely depressed.

I have spent 1 full year researching several cities that were in contention, and now I'm looking at 3 females (and the in-laws) who have changed their mind. I know my oldest daughter has a very demanding, spoiled personality and cries "unfair" and goes into a rage whenever she doesn't get what she wants, and I'm wondering if this is coming into play.

What do I do? Ride the storm out? My wife says when the girls graduate HS, we can leave (though why should I even trust that?). Try and go through with the move (if we can even sell our house) and the kids will eventually be fine? When this all began, I said if we can't sell our house this year, I look at that as God telling us to stay put. Now we may not even do this.

I miss the south's weather, the people, the food, the churches, the conservative feel and the feeling of independence (the in-laws are always in the picture here, which gets tiring). Give me some advice CD.
my hubby is from north of you, in gaylord. when he retired from military, jobs was hard to get even then(03) we ended up leaving my family back ins SD and headed to his in MI. that was the worst 2 yrs of my life!! i to hated the winters, the snow, the cold, and no offence, the people up there drove me insane as well as their driving!!
my family originated in TN, and i begged to move down here, it took the whole 2 yrs, but he finally caved in. the kids was torn, they was 1)sick of moving every couple years(military) and 2) didnt want to change schools again and leave friends.
Hubby had a good job haulen bulk mail, but it was terriable, pay was good, steady secure job, but it was rough driving at 4am in a blinding blizzards, almost going off road so many times, i couldnt live in fear of him not making it home anymore.
we talked to the kids, explained that we wanted warmer area, and if it wasnt for his job, we would have nothing, as everyone knows, MI has no jobs, and Granholm is in no hurry to get any there.
they understood, and with lots of searching in internet, they started to get excited about the move, seeing all the things they could do.
hubby took a OTR job to get us down here, but we missed the boat...jobs dried up down here to by that point, so now been OTR for past 2 yrs. but we dont regret the move, we are warm, happy(for me, its home) and the kids love it. we are in process of changing jobs(God willing) and possiably moving to NC, again, kids frowned, but they understand times are tough for all, and a job is needed more, and they know they can make new friends, and with internet, still keep intouch and even see(webcam) old friends. our kids are now 7, 13 and 14.
my advice, talk to your family, meaning your wife and kids, your inlaws and parents dont count, they dont pay your bills or support your family, their feelings will be hurt if you leave, but they need to understand, your the man of the family, and you need to do whats best for your family.
let your kids know you understand how they feel, but dont hide the fact that you need to be in a place where you can provide for them, to keep them in the style they enjoy(that always works....lol)
your wife isnt backing out....she has cold feet, and her parents are not helping her at all....she needs to cut the apron strings and put her husbands feelings first, would she prefer you be out of work and she be the only one supporting the family?? im not trying to sound mean, but times are bad, and if you can grab up a job, you need to take the chance.
MI is a sinkhole, so hard to get out, we had put most of our stuff in storage and came back for it as we could just to move, only way we could go, didnt have enugh money to take it all at the time.
your kids will bounce back...take my word for it, many many a military child has done it, yours can to. yes, they will whine, they might even hate you, but when you can afford to keeep their cell phones on and clothes on their backs...they will soon forgive and forget.....lol
on that note...you didnt say where in TN, we live right next to knoxville, can can give ya info, you will enjoy way lower rent here, no state tax, and listen to this....we have newer cars, our tags each year cost us 24 bucks each!!!! sure beats the couple hundred up in MI!!!! our insurance is alot cheaper, our electric is half the price, and you already know about the weather....lol
feel free to PM us anytime if you want, we'd love to help with info/advice if we can. wish you all the best!!!!
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Old 01-23-2009, 08:02 AM
 
2,015 posts, read 4,663,746 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TNKY View Post
I guess it's time for an update. The in-laws are on the offensive! Hard to believe my wife and I are almost 40 and her parents will not relinquish their attempt to thwart our move. Today, my F-I-L told my wife I needed to seek professional help and this move is not in our best interest. More like, not in their best interest. Of course this happened while I was at work and it brought my wife to tears and all over again she is now re-thinking the move. What did I say to her? We're not re-thinking a darn thing based on your parents wishes. What did I tell the F-I-L? Thanks for the advice but we're adults and it's no longer needed. So guess who the bad guy is? The soap opera continues. And, bibit612, surely I will update this post 6 months from now if indeed we escape this place.

I'm really sorry to hear this. Suffice it to say that there probably isn't enough bandwidth or time (my time - as I have to do a few things around here today) - to get into the in-laws vs. SIL. vs. DIL triangle. It sure exists though. My opinion as a wife of 25+ years is that your family is the family that you and your husband create, and that is your new IMMEDIATE family. You do what's best for that family. The fact that your in-laws are such domineering, controlling freaks, playing your wife against you is absolutely abhorrent and despicable to me.

My mother tried to do that to me at the very beginning of our marriage. I put a stop to that pretty quick, and it took a few years for things to get better, but in the end, my mother absolutely adored my husband (she passed away in 2004).

I'll tell you what, I'd move the heck out of there just to get away from these control freaks who will butt into your life all day long/all life long. It's really sad how some people can't let their daughter or son be happy with their spouse and their kids, how selfish they are to want to pull a wife away from her husband and vice versa. Marriage can be difficult enough depending on the stress factors one's dealing with; to have in-laws complicate matters is just plain immature, selfish, and short-sighted. I feel for you, I really do. Get your wife and kids away from there; I would start looking at opportunities elsewhere; develop a positive mindset, be loving and agreeable with your wife, show her that you love her and then do what you have to do - get out and away from your in-law's control and dominance. That would be my plan.

P.S. - Good for you for standing up for yourself to your FIL. How would he like if his FIL messed with his marriage and his family? You know, everyone has their turn at creating and managing their own family. He had his turn. Now his daughter is married to you and you two shall go as one and create your own future. He and his wife (your wife's parents) need to stay in the background and if they want to do something, they need to support your decisions that the both of you make, not sit there and go behind your back and play your wife against you.

And one more thing, your wife has to draw the line somewhere too. As I've already mentioned, my mother tried to do similiar things with me at the beginning of my marriage. It was tough. It was really, really tough because my mother had just me and my brother as she was divorced in Europe - and we were practically all that she had (besides her brothers and sisters). I can see her reason for wanting to control things even after we got married, but she pretty much made peace with that in about two to three years. You guys have been married longer than that if you have a daughter that is 13. They've had more than enough time to come to terms that their daughter is now married. Your wife has to draw the line and take some accountability too. Now, I know that you can't change your wife, that's why, I (if I was you) would come to a final decision and develop an action plan and just do it. Your wife and girls will come along.

Last edited by Donna7; 01-23-2009 at 08:11 AM..
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