Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > General Moving Issues
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-10-2009, 11:48 AM
 
730 posts, read 1,888,883 times
Reputation: 551

Advertisements

When we moved here, most of the people we met and had over were folks from my spouse's workplace (other transplants). As the work dynamic changed, we became less close and lost entire relationships because of this. We actually found "real" friends via our kids activities,,,,especially sports since we had time to speak with parents at every practice and game. It helped that our kids all went to the same school and are now all in another group activity together. Having made these connections really helped our transition process since our little cadre of families help each other out. I had read an article about a couple trying to "force" friendships and not letting them evolve producing many stunted relationships. I guess since evolution takes time, the transitioning to a new community does also. I think we can all be impatient when we move and feel isolated when removed from what and who we know. I am trying to be patient and hope that in our time in this new city, we can let things start to evolve.

What sort of helps me now is actually joining one of those social networks (i.e. Facebook, MySpace, etc.) I am in touch on a daily basis with friends and family from back home and that sort of keeps me connected to what I left behind. Until we moved, things like this were not my cup of tea, but it is a good bridge for the moment.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-11-2009, 01:01 PM
 
Location: Louisiana and Pennsylvania
3,011 posts, read 6,287,452 times
Reputation: 3128
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caltep View Post
When we moved here, most of the people we met and had over were folks from my spouse's workplace (other transplants). As the work dynamic changed, we became less close and lost entire relationships because of this. We actually found "real" friends via our kids activities,,,,especially sports since we had time to speak with parents at every practice and game. It helped that our kids all went to the same school and are now all in another group activity together. Having made these connections really helped our transition process since our little cadre of families help each other out. I had read an article about a couple trying to "force" friendships and not letting them evolve producing many stunted relationships. I guess since evolution takes time, the transitioning to a new community does also. I think we can all be impatient when we move and feel isolated when removed from what and who we know. I am trying to be patient and hope that in our time in this new city, we can let things start to evolve.

What sort of helps me now is actually joining one of those social networks (i.e. Facebook, MySpace, etc.) I am in touch on a daily basis with friends and family from back home and that sort of keeps me connected to what I left behind. Until we moved, things like this were not my cup of tea, but it is a good bridge for the moment.
Very eloquently put, Caltep. I have definitely learned from past experience not to force friendships either. On the same token however, some effort must be made while simultaneously allowing things to evolve.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-11-2009, 03:36 PM
 
60 posts, read 291,005 times
Reputation: 37
I know how you feel! I moved six months ago and the first few weeks of school were so hard. All the other moms were greeting the people they knew and I felt like I was invisible.
Our PTA started a "new family mentors" program. I got a call from a PTA mom (in October - school started in August) which was basically, "Hi, welcome, I'm sure you must be doing great because everyone is so friendly, call me if you need anything, goodbye." NOT helpful, but at least they tried! I think I'm going to ask to be on that committee next year, and make it better. Maybe you can offer to start a program for new families at your school, if there isn't one already? Try to think of a diplomatic way to suggest it.
Now I'm at the point where lots of people smile and say "hello" but it is really hard to get anyone to take the next step. I've called people and asked them to have coffee, but they are always "too busy". We've invited a number of families over to our house, but only one has invited us back. Sometimes I feel like I must be doing something terribly wrong, but I can't figure out what it is. Other times I remember that the last time we moved, it took a surprisingly long time to make friends - real friends, the kind you can call up for no reason. Right now, I still call my friends from my last city, or friends from college that I haven't lived near for a decade.
Good luck. There's a lot of us in the same boat, and if you have any great ideas that work, let us know!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-11-2009, 08:48 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
1,820 posts, read 4,481,303 times
Reputation: 1924
Quote:
Originally Posted by STL Mom View Post
I know how you feel! I moved six months ago and the first few weeks of school were so hard. All the other moms were greeting the people they knew and I felt like I was invisible.
Our PTA started a "new family mentors" program. I got a call from a PTA mom (in October - school started in August) which was basically, "Hi, welcome, I'm sure you must be doing great because everyone is so friendly, call me if you need anything, goodbye." NOT helpful, but at least they tried! I think I'm going to ask to be on that committee next year, and make it better. Maybe you can offer to start a program for new families at your school, if there isn't one already? Try to think of a diplomatic way to suggest it.
Now I'm at the point where lots of people smile and say "hello" but it is really hard to get anyone to take the next step. I've called people and asked them to have coffee, but they are always "too busy". We've invited a number of families over to our house, but only one has invited us back. Sometimes I feel like I must be doing something terribly wrong, but I can't figure out what it is. Other times I remember that the last time we moved, it took a surprisingly long time to make friends - real friends, the kind you can call up for no reason. Right now, I still call my friends from my last city, or friends from college that I haven't lived near for a decade.
Good luck. There's a lot of us in the same boat, and if you have any great ideas that work, let us know!

Thank YOU and all of the others who posted such encouraging words here on the board or have pm'd me... Although, it is not fun to see that so many others are feeling the same way, it is nice that people can be at least, empathetic to the situation.
I think that people who have never moved and comment on things like this may just really not understand how truly difficult it is, especially when "you" are older....
Your idea STL Mom of a group for new families is great! actually,the school that my daughter was attending prior to us moving, had something very similar. I think it is a great idea,and I may even try to suggest something like that when I am feeling more comfortable.

Thanks again for the encouraging words! and I do wish anyone who may be going through a transition due to a move, much luck!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-13-2009, 08:17 AM
 
9,471 posts, read 9,328,712 times
Reputation: 8177
Default Older People Have the Same Problem

[quote=NYMD67;7430248]I think that people who have never moved and comment on things like this may just really not understand how truly difficult it is, especially when "you" are older....
[quote]


You're wrong about the "older" people not understanding. We have the same problems, but just not at the PTA. At least you have that as a starting place. We don't. It's much easier to make friends if you have kids who play with their kids (ball games, etc.). When you don't have kids or a dog, people just ignore you!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-13-2009, 08:42 AM
 
730 posts, read 1,888,883 times
Reputation: 551
So I think it is important that when we are the acclimated ones to look for the new neighbors and be welcoming to them. I think in regard to the PTA thing (this may have been suggested already)perhaps suggesting to the principal or chair to start each new term meeting with a introduction of new parents/families...maybe they won't all be there but those who are, can say hi and where they are from and grades their kids are in. Maybe even a welcome social in the morning after drop off and invite the new parents.

I know what starts conversation in our new city is finding that there are folks from where you are from or have been (sometimes at the park or at practice). I like to strike up conversation with anyone wearing a hat or t-shirt of a college or sports team from my home area. Transplants especially are looking for someone from back home. Every time I see a west coast license plate (CA, OR, WA, HI) in my new city I think I may know that person from reason. But I have had really good conversations with new residents mostly because we end up comparing our west coast life with our new southwest life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-13-2009, 10:06 AM
 
943 posts, read 2,274,657 times
Reputation: 526
Quote:
I'm at a different stage of life than you are, but what I have noticed after living in quite a number of neighborhoods and in 3 different states, is that the more expensive the house and the higher scale of income, the more unfriendly and less open people are. When we lived in a more middle-middle income neighborhood, everyone was friendly, but as we moved up the economic ladder, it got cooler and cooler
I have noticed this too. I am actually trying to choose another small working class town, because I am tired of snobbery, I am disabled and have some appearance issues which makes the social world harder on me. My last small working class town was friendly, here it takes forever for anyone to talk to me, the people are far more cold and distant, and the ghetto right next door, that is scary and known for its riots doesnt help. I have not made any friends here in 2 and half years. The church is friendly but they seem even somewhat removed as well. I think the more suburbanite and more richer the community the more colder and the closed. I did volunteer work and did even arts stuff in last community and here I can tell they wont even let me in the door. Everything is stiff and formal.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-13-2009, 11:11 AM
 
730 posts, read 1,888,883 times
Reputation: 551
Default Different Experience

That is probably true, but where we moved from (which I believe is something like the 13th wealthiest zip code in the country) we were definitely not in the same income category as many of the parents at our kids' school (several tech industry folks). I think a lot had to do with our kids' school and our church being attached, but we never felt "inadequate" or distant in terms of our relationship with some of the folks who were a lot more affluent. We also befriended many of the parents who were more like us as well, average working families. In our new city, we are more detached from the community and our neighbors so I feel a sense of loss from the relationships we had.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive? View Post
I have noticed this too. I am actually trying to choose another small working class town, because I am tired of snobbery, I am disabled and have some appearance issues which makes the social world harder on me. My last small working class town was friendly, here it takes forever for anyone to talk to me, the people are far more cold and distant, and the ghetto right next door, that is scary and known for its riots doesnt help. I have not made any friends here in 2 and half years. The church is friendly but they seem even somewhat removed as well. I think the more suburbanite and more richer the community the more colder and the closed. I did volunteer work and did even arts stuff in last community and here I can tell they wont even let me in the door. Everything is stiff and formal.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2009, 07:32 PM
 
129 posts, read 492,517 times
Reputation: 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by staywarm2 View Post
but what I have noticed after living in quite a number of neighborhoods and in 3 different states, is that the more expensive the house and the higher scale of income, the more unfriendly and less open people are. When we lived in a more middle-middle income neighborhood, everyone was friendly
My experience with this has actually been opposite. I always felt like the higher the income of the community, the friendlier they were. When I first moved to a high income community, everyone was so friendly and inviting. Then years later I moved to a low-middle class community, and nobody ever talked to me and I made no friends at all. I just really didn't fit in at all. It was the worst experience of my life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-15-2009, 09:50 PM
 
Location: Earth Wanderer, longing for the stars.
12,406 posts, read 18,918,952 times
Reputation: 8910
Quote:
Originally Posted by aek11 View Post
My experience with this has actually been opposite. I always felt like the higher the income of the community, the friendlier they were. When I first moved to a high income community, everyone was so friendly and inviting. Then years later I moved to a low-middle class community, and nobody ever talked to me and I made no friends at all. I just really didn't fit in at all. It was the worst experience of my life.
Money can sometimes shelter us from some of the unpleasantness of life.
It is easier to be 'nice' when you can be fairly assured that your kids will not be shot at while walking to school. When your life is not about being shoved around in crowds and smelling the body odor of others and your shopping trips are to places in which classical music and not rap is played in the background. When your doctor appointments are usually on time and you wait for very little in life. When it is others who sometimes wait for you. When you can hire expertise to help smooth the bumps in life.

I would expect that such people would show some graciousness.

I compare the deportment of the women on the View. Barbara Walters is, to me, a class act. How often does she raise her voice?

This change in attitude of people with and without money may depend on geographical region.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > General Moving Issues
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top