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Old 04-21-2009, 03:34 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,313 posts, read 3,882,975 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rusheib View Post
How is the family doing besides you? I read how your wife supports you but how about the kids? Has their behavior changed for the worse?

My kids are not doing well. When we got back to Ohio for the funeral on of my wife's good friends said my son didn't look good. A lot of stress on him from the move. My daughter is happy at our house, but cries everytime she has to go to school. I can see the stree on everyone. My wife is showing a lot of stress too.

My wife and I discussed moving back in the summer of 2010. She misses our old home and we know we can't get the same life back. jobs are the key. If we go back I will have to leave this company and start looking for something else.

I'm prepared, we have about $40,000 cash saved. I think this might be enough? We also have about $70,000 equity in our home. I may start a thread to see how much is enough to have saved for a move such as this.
You may want to consider. You may not be aware but you may add to the children's missery. I have moved in the military then I care to remember. However, my wife and I made sure to make the next place as enjoyable as possible. We made sure to make that home a happy one. I also saw families where the couple kept talking of how misserable they ere in the new location. The children were also misserable with the same attitude the parents had day and night. My wife could not wait to come back to the states when we arrived in Germany. However, she made sure we enjoyed Germany. How children had fun over there but they were also ready to go get back to the U.S.A.
Just a point for you to consider. You may not realize how your attitude is rubbing off on your children.
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Old 04-22-2009, 05:07 AM
 
Location: TX
87 posts, read 255,970 times
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We never talk about it in front of the kids. I thinks it's just the stress of the move for them. We are positive around the kids and are spending all of our free time playing, talking, exploring, etc.
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Old 04-22-2009, 06:34 AM
 
3,490 posts, read 7,384,369 times
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Rush; how is your wife doing now?

It seems to me that if she was already depressed in Ohio, then the answer to her depression lies not in location, but in herself and moving back won't fix it.

Is there any reason you can't encourage her to get a part time job? Even if you don't really need the money. It could be doing something she enjoys - I know a very wealthy couple where the wife works a couple of days a week at a shoe store, because she loves shoes. Doesn't need the money (at all!!!!), but she likes it.
This could be a good start to getting your wife away from feeling like she's a housewife, and get her out of the house, meeting people and doing something she enjoys. Even something unpaid like volunteering as some people have mentioned.

Also it sounds like she needs someone to talk to one on one (therapist), and to see a doctor if she iis thinking about hurting herself.

So sorry to hear about your Father passing away - it does sound like you have had a rocky year with one thing or another.

In terms of your company, I would consider telling them that the move has been harder on your family than you had anticipated, and that your wife's heath is suffering. I would NOT mention a move back to Ohio yet, but I would ask if it would be possible to travel slightly less. Even one day a week less would be a start.
Meanwhile get your wife to the doctor and perhaps things may start not to look so bleak?

Moving is terribly difficult - my dh and I moved from Hoboken where we lived for 5 years, a year and a half ago. It is tough to get adjusted to a new place - especially the friends part. I feel for you, but having one foot in Ohio and one foot in Texas won't help your family adjust. It will just make it worse.

I would say to yourselves that it is likely that you will move back at some point, take the weight of the decision of your shoulders, and then really work at having a great time in Texas.
Do you spend a lot of time exploring? Going out at weekends to parks/ zoos/ movies/ museaums with the kids, etc? If not, why not?
Why is your daughter still crying every day when she goes to school? This does not sound normal 9 months in. Is she being bullied? I would do some more digging there to find out what is going on.

She's going to have a tough time adjusting to life's inevitable changes if she's still heartbroken about a new school 9 months after starting. You need to encourage your kids to make the most of it - the more you sympathize with them and bemoan how awful Texas is, the less likely they are to deal with it well. Kids are like little radars, they pick up on EVERYTHING. If you and your wife are giving off miserable 'I hate it here' vibes, then they will pick up on that.

Anyway I hope this wasn't too tough - I do know exactly how you feel having moved a lot myself. I even went to an international boarding school in a different country when I was 15 so I know how it is to be somewhere totally different (even with a different language in my case).

You MUST concentrate on having a good time where you are instead of constantly beating yourself up for making a bad decision. Then if you need to some time in the future, you can move. It's a pain to move, but it's not the end of the world.
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Old 04-22-2009, 08:18 AM
 
Location: North Texas
2,487 posts, read 5,741,988 times
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I second Hoboken, something else must be underlining this problem w wife and kids.
I came from a military home where I never was at the same school for more than a year, always moved half way between grades. Never really had the since of roots. Then parents divorce which became more unstable. I told myself when I had children I would never put them through bouncing them around...because I remember being that "NEW Kid in school" constantly. Some people like bouncing around. But with kids, it doesn't make them more rounded it makes them confused and unsettled.

I have a 15 year old now, I moved her once she completed the same elementary she started at. When she finished her 5th grade. I moved her four states over and she is just fine. The first year was rough with all of us. At first we wanted to throw in the towel and run back to where we moved from and lived most of our life. What helped was going and visit about 10 months after we left. We seen the change of things back where we use to live. We enjoyed our stay but could not wait to get home...our new home. We stopped all the comparing and negatives within the first three months we were here because it was getting us no where. Now we have been in Texas for four years and I would never go back to where we moved from even if I won the lottery.

Good luck to you.

Like the above posting said, stop comparing. Child sense everything. Make the best of what you have. Home is your family not where you live.
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Old 04-23-2009, 08:28 AM
 
Location: TX
87 posts, read 255,970 times
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Thanks for the addded advice. We probably will go back, but for now we are going to enjoy each day and enjoy Texas. My travel at work may actually increase soon, and I can't do anything about it - it's the way the company is going. That is tough, but I will make the most of my situation here. Ohio is in my future though!
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Old 04-23-2009, 09:35 AM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,313 posts, read 3,882,975 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rusheib View Post
Thanks for the addded advice. We probably will go back, but for now we are going to enjoy each day and enjoy Texas. My travel at work may actually increase soon, and I can't do anything about it - it's the way the company is going. That is tough, but I will make the most of my situation here. Ohio is in my future though!
Have you sone some sightseeing in Texas?
Take your kids to San Jacinto. I believe somewhere over there the USS Texas is docked. There are some nice little areas along the coast of Texas I believe one is Lost Padre Island.
Corpus Christi is that too far from you. You may want to go further south to Laredo, Mexico. I live I El Paso, a border town, and the border Mexican cities are not a complet reflection of Mexico but it is fun and interesting to go and see.

A ride to the central part of Texas can take you to the Aquarena in San Marcos. Also you can take them to the German Oktoberfest Fredrickburg. Make it fun for the children and yourselves.

I am sure you are making an effort not to show your negative feelings on being there in front of the kids but an attitude and a depressed state is hard to hide and it has a tendency to spread on people around them.

We did not sit just sit down waiting for our time to come back to the states when I was stationed in Heidelberg, Germany. We travelled!! We did not have to have a lot money to do so. We had our ice chest filled with cold cuts, home fried chickend did a lot one day trips during the weekends.
We had our kids do research on the areas we were going to visit and during the trip we talked about it. We adapted the german custom of the photo of the child's first day in school. We also adapted the custom the chocolate opening out of a chart for each day leading to Christams day.

I am sure there are unique Texans customs and places you can visit. When you back where you want to go, you can look back at the fun you created in Texas. We now have so many souvenirs and great and wonderful memories while in Germany even though we could not wait to be back home while doing so.
Our oldest daughter did have a hard time moving to Germany from Texas at the end of her high school sophmore year. You know what happened when it was time to come back to the states after three years there, she stayed there and worked for the next 12 years? She finally came back and settled in Atlanta speaking fluent German now. She says she loves her german experience. She now does not care to come back to El Paso.

Kids are very resilient but a huge factor is how their parents influence their attitude in life. As I said, it is not just a matter of not speaking about it in front of them. They do sense your attitude. So, get up and start having fun in Texas until the day you leave.

You have a great day.
El Amigo
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Old 04-23-2009, 10:25 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
4,085 posts, read 7,674,512 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rusheib View Post
I took a job promotion and moved from Ohio to Houston. I have a loving wife and two kids 6 and 4. I knew relocating would be difficult as friends and family are all back in Ohio. I won't rehash the problems with leaving everything we know - it's been covered in this forum and my situation is the same. I regret taking that part of my children's life away from them. Houston is fine, but it isn't a fit for my family.

I want to quit my job and move back to Ohio. The reason is I have to travel overnight about 2-3 nights a week. It is very difficult on my wife who is a type 1 diabetic. She has very low energy and the night alone are taking a toll on her health. I can see it. I knew the travel was involved when I took the promotion, but now that I am doing it it's a lot harder that I thought. Plus, leaving them alone in a new place makes me feel horrible when I'm out to dinner with clients staying in nice hotels.

My wife wants to stick it out, but I know we made a mistake moving and taking on this new job position. I find it easy to say we made a mistake and let's fix it. She is very kind to me and I know she would rather be back home in Ohio. She tells me we should have thought of these things before we moved and we are here now.

Honestly I didn't realize how much of an impact leaving family, having the kids miss weddings, birthdays, Easter, etc. I knew we would miss these things when we decided to move, but now that it is a reality it is different. Does that make sense? I knew it but maybe I downplayed it to justify the move.

We have a nice big house, nice income, but we're in the fastlane now. I don't like it. I like being home with my family at night and living an easy life in a modest home, and having time to play with the kids in the park. We had the good life and I chose to leave it behind. Why?

I don't know how to take the first step and move back to Ohio and get a new job. I would be OK making less money, but the job market is tough now even for any occupation. I wish I didn't take this promotion.

I left a life with a small house payment, plenty of family time, and a happy wife and kids. We now have a big house but not a home. I have a successful career but don't care. The career does not define me. Family parties in Ohio, holidays, weddings, and just raking the leaves in the backyard defines me. We had everything set up perfectly and left it behind for a job promotion.

How do I reverse this? Is there a way? I'm thinking of searching Monster.com and taking my chances. I hate to give up my four weeks of vacation and years of service with this company and start over, but I would just to get back to a simple life.

Any advice? Thanks!
Your wife sounds very sensible and very strong to me. I am inclined to tell you to go with her advice - that you are there now and you should make the best of it and make a go at it.

It sounds to me like you have a form of buyer's remorse. And I'm sure much of it is justified. On the other hand, think of what you do now have. You gave up in some areas and have more in other areas. Use what you have more of to compensate for what you have less of. It's not ideal or perfect, but honestly, your previous "simple life" was not ideal or perfect, or else you wouldn't have sought the "greener grass" of the promotion and the move. You are only now idealizing your earlier "simple life" because of the realities of the grass not being so much greener are settling in.

So your move and promotion wasn't the solution and improvement you quite expected. So what? You make it sound like a bad thing. There are people who don't have a job, much less a promotion. There are people who don't have a choice but to move, or are stuck where they are. You were not and are not one of those people and you should be very grateful for that. Stop dwelling on these comparisons and move forward and make the best of it. You are lucky to have a sensible and strong wife who is willing to make the best of the situation.

If you have more vacation time and more money, use that to travel back to Ohio more to visit family and friends. 4 weeks a year vacation time? That should easily come out to 5 long weekends back in Ohio to see family and friends. Easily. Not to mention a couple holidays. And still not to mention that you'd have time left over for your own actual vacation to wherever else you want to go. I live an hour from my brother, I can see him whenever I want. When do I see him? Once a month usually, other than at Church every week. I have other family here that I see once every 2-3 months. I'm still close with them. When people are working and grinding out their lives, even if they live near each other they don't necessarily see each other every day, and it's not such a horrible thing. So maybe it will be good for you to be away from family for longer periods of time.

As to your travel and nice hotels - again, be glad for that. If you are flying, rack up those miles and use them for trips to Ohio. Rack up the Hilton points for free hotel. Take advantage. If it's hard for your wife, get her a maid service to take off some of the burden of housework. Make your phone calls every night, when you can and nowadays you can even video chat with your family back home from your hotel room. Yes, it's not the same as being there in person. But it's good for you and them to get used to the fact that the other will not be around 100% of the time, all the time. That's life. There are people I've worked with who had families and were on the road for 2 weeks straight, including a weekend, before they were allowed to go home for a weekend to spend with their families. If you're gone 2, 3 nights a week, honestly that's not so bad. When you get home, make the most of it - spend the time with your kids.

It's honestly not that big a deal. My dad never traveled for work, but he commuted to NYC from NJ all our lives, and I wouldn't see him till he came home after 6 PM every night, and then he'd want to eat dinner and relax, and I would have an hour or two to talk to him. And I didn't need to talk to him that much, EVERY single night. We were still close, he was still a good dad, it didn't ruin our relationship. He could have been gone 2-3 nights a week and I'd barely have missed him. If I did, I'd have called him. In fact, my mother DID travel occasionally for work, and when she was gone and it was just my siblings and dad, we didn't think any big thing of it. We missed her but she'd call every other night. It's not that big a deal and it's a lesson in life and a part of life.

Take stock in what you have, accept that you have made this move, accept that you are "stuck" (not a good word) with it for a little while. If you don't see things improve in a couple years or so, then start looking back in Ohio, that way you don't lose money on your home and you don't have any regrets when you DO go back to Ohio because you will have given Houston more of a fair chance. But DO give it a CHANCE.

Don't magnify some of the problems as it sounds like you are doing, give it a chance, and make the best of it, and be happy and content for what you DO have and not so sad for what you don't have anymore. You made a change in your life, so you can always make another change to go back. But give it more of a chance before you do.

Remember - you could be back in Ohio with the smaller paycheck and smaller home, and everyone you miss could get busy with life and you all of a sudden see and hear less from them even though they're 1/2 hour away - then what? Then what do you do? Impose upon them for their time? It's life, man. Don't make family and friends so big that you don't chase certain dreams a bit. It sounds to me that with only 2-3 nights of travel, even if that's every week, you STILL have a lot of time to spend at home w/ family. And ENJOY your dinners with clients. I work in a field where most of my work was traveling, and I would burn out on it, but now that work is slow (or at times non-existent) I MISS those dinners, paid by the company, with clients and colleagues.

Sounds like you need to take stock in what you have, make the best of it, realize that things could not only be worse but MUCH worse and things ARE much worse for many people in this nation, and give your move a CHANCE instead of bemoaning what you gave up.

Think about it... You made this move thinking the grass would be greener, now you think you're wrong and you're thinking the grass is greener back in Ohio... Who's to say you're not wrong AGAIN? I can just see it now - you scour Monster for a job, you find one in Ohio that pays less but you don't care because you'll get a small house again with a lower payment, you move back, you have the family nearby, and friends, several months later they lay you off, now you not only are not on the road ever, but you're stuck in your small house all the time, unemployed, looking for work... THEN how would you feel about having moved back? You'll be kicking yourself even harder then.

At least give it a go in Houston, I mean a REAL chance. A couple years. THEN re-assess and make a decision from there. I'll bet in a year or so your wife and kids will have adjusted to things and with the kids in school all day it won't be such a big thing if you're not around 100% of the time. I'll tell you, what matters more is what you do when you ARE home. My dad was home all the time after work, but so tired he didn't have much time to spend with us. I'd rather he traveled during the week and when he came home spent more time with us, as opposed to being home all the time and taking it for granted, both us and him, that we can see him any time.

Stick to your move and see what happens in a couple years, man. Count your blessings in the meantime, not your woes.
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Old 04-23-2009, 10:32 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
4,085 posts, read 7,674,512 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elamigo View Post
You may want to consider. You may not be aware but you may add to the children's missery. I have moved in the military then I care to remember. However, my wife and I made sure to make the next place as enjoyable as possible. We made sure to make that home a happy one. I also saw families where the couple kept talking of how misserable they ere in the new location. The children were also misserable with the same attitude the parents had day and night. My wife could not wait to come back to the states when we arrived in Germany. However, she made sure we enjoyed Germany. How children had fun over there but they were also ready to go get back to the U.S.A.
Just a point for you to consider. You may not realize how your attitude is rubbing off on your children.
Elamigo is RIGHT! It does sound to me like you, the head of the family, are letting your depression seep into the rest of the family.

Take on a better attitude, count your own blessings for being in Houston in a nice home and with a good job, take stock in yourself and your life, and then pass that attitude along to the kids. Do enjoyable, fun things. Explore the area, for better or worse, and make it fun. YOU are responsible for their well-being, NOT the city of Houston or the schools or whatever. Honestly, it just sounds like a severe case of negative-attitude-itis.

And believe me, Houston is my least liked city in the nation. I don't like it. I would never want to live there. BUT - if I did end up moving there, for whatever reason, I would make the best of it.

I have a good friend, one of my best friends actually, who moved from NJ to Florida. He gave it a good shot, but after 2+ years they want to move back to NJ. But they're not miserable there. They have a positive attitude. Yes, they want to come back, yes they like it better in NJ than FL, but this is based on a real try at Florida and not a hatred of it. At this point, with the economy, his move back is not going to be this summer as they wanted, but they're OK with that. They're happy to have a nice home there and so the kids will go to school one more year there. No big deal. The key, and my friend specifically told me this, is that even when he's depressed for being there, he has to make himself happy about it and then pass along that positivity to his wife and then the kids, and it works.

Elamigo gave some GREAT advice, I suggest you heed it.
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Old 04-23-2009, 12:15 PM
 
Location: TX
87 posts, read 255,970 times
Reputation: 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by elamigo View Post
Have you sone some sightseeing in Texas?
Take your kids to San Jacinto. I believe somewhere over there the USS Texas is docked. There are some nice little areas along the coast of Texas I believe one is Lost Padre Island.
Corpus Christi is that too far from you. You may want to go further south to Laredo, Mexico. I live I El Paso, a border town, and the border Mexican cities are not a complet reflection of Mexico but it is fun and interesting to go and see.

A ride to the central part of Texas can take you to the Aquarena in San Marcos. Also you can take them to the German Oktoberfest Fredrickburg. Make it fun for the children and yourselves.

I am sure you are making an effort not to show your negative feelings on being there in front of the kids but an attitude and a depressed state is hard to hide and it has a tendency to spread on people around them.

We did not sit just sit down waiting for our time to come back to the states when I was stationed in Heidelberg, Germany. We travelled!! We did not have to have a lot money to do so. We had our ice chest filled with cold cuts, home fried chickend did a lot one day trips during the weekends.
We had our kids do research on the areas we were going to visit and during the trip we talked about it. We adapted the german custom of the photo of the child's first day in school. We also adapted the custom the chocolate opening out of a chart for each day leading to Christams day.

I am sure there are unique Texans customs and places you can visit. When you back where you want to go, you can look back at the fun you created in Texas. We now have so many souvenirs and great and wonderful memories while in Germany even though we could not wait to be back home while doing so.
Our oldest daughter did have a hard time moving to Germany from Texas at the end of her high school sophmore year. You know what happened when it was time to come back to the states after three years there, she stayed there and worked for the next 12 years? She finally came back and settled in Atlanta speaking fluent German now. She says she loves her german experience. She now does not care to come back to El Paso.

Kids are very resilient but a huge factor is how their parents influence their attitude in life. As I said, it is not just a matter of not speaking about it in front of them. They do sense your attitude. So, get up and start having fun in Texas until the day you leave.

You have a great day.
El Amigo
Thanks! I appreciate all of this advice. We are coaching their soccer teams, and plan on doing things on weekends when soccer is over. We will do local trips - from my travels at work I have a lot of hotel points built up!
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Old 04-23-2009, 12:20 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,313 posts, read 3,882,975 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rusheib View Post
Thanks! I appreciate all of this advice. We are coaching their soccer teams, and plan on doing things on weekends when soccer is over. We will do local trips - from my travels at work I have a lot of hotel points built up!
That's the way to go!!! Now you're talking!!!

If you do this, the time in Texas will go faster and in no time you will be back where you want to be and look back with a lot of fund memories.

When I had to go to do some special jobs in Germany and the kids were not in school, the family went with me and did their sighseeing during the day while I was at work. In some case during school season, they joined me where I was and we spent time together, another tip.

I am glad you are taking action,
You have a great day.
El Amigo
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