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Old 05-05-2010, 07:06 AM
 
Location: CT
61 posts, read 174,854 times
Reputation: 18

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My husband has a job opportunity that would take him about 300 miles from where we currently live.

It looks like we have two choices: 1) he goes alone, stays in hotels or gets a small apartment, and flies/drives home on holidays and most weekends (and we would also fly/drive to visit him); 2) we all relocate to that area together, and then return to our home when the year is up.

Obviously there are pros and cons, and neither scenario is particularly great, but we are not afraid to take a leap once in awhile and he really wants to do this job. So the question is... anyone ever done this? Anyone know anyone who has ever done this?

I am most concerned about the impact on my kids: 12, 9, and 5, who will be starting 7th, 4th, and Kindergarten in the fall. We have lived here pretty much their whole lives, so they are very comfortable with their friends and community. But I also feel like this could be an opportunity for them to try something new -- we don't want them going off to college one day and not know how to start over and make new friends. (An extreme example, but you know what I mean.)

Since we know we'd be coming back here (we would for sure, job has a firm end date), the kids could keep in touch with their friends (as WE would with ours), and hopefully return to a life similar to what they left. I realize that a lot can happen in a year with social statuses, sports, etc, and they might not necessarily be able to pick up right where they left off. Fortunately, though, we live in an area near military bases so it's not uncommon for families to move away and then return a few years later.

You might wonder why we would even consider doing this... family time is just so important to us, and although my husband works long hours, we make time for weeknight family dinners (not every night, but whenever possible), and do things together whenever possible.

I also can't deny how hard it would be on me if we stay, and in general the stress and the toll it could take on all of us, not being together and my not having help with the kids and household. Don't get me wrong -- I consider myself a pretty independent woman, and know I could totally handle it, but I keep asking -- why should I have to?

Not unlike the poster with the "Should I move if I don't really have to?" thread, my husband and I have been craving a little "adventure" or something different for awhile.

Any thoughts?
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Old 05-05-2010, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Las Flores, Orange County, CA
26,346 posts, read 82,871,310 times
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I have four kids about the same ages as your kids also a two year old.

What happens if he doesn't take the opportunity? Does he still have a job at your current location?

Is the opportunity a significant benefit to his career/pay etc? Who is paying for his room and board in the new location? Are these expenses worth it?

What is the likelihood that he could find permanent employment (after that one year) in this destination? If there's a very high probability, why not make the move for everyone permanent? If you moved would you have to sell your current home? Would relocation benefits be offered by an employer?

If he takes the one year position, does he have a guaranteed job back home where you live now after the year is up?

Three hundred miles is a long way for even a three day weekend; five or six hours one way driving or probably the same amount of time flying considering all the parking, arriving at the airport, security, etc. not to mention the expense.

What kind of support network do you (the original poster) have at your current home? Parents, relatives, friends, etc?
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Old 05-05-2010, 08:05 AM
 
Location: CT
61 posts, read 174,854 times
Reputation: 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charles View Post
What happens if he doesn't take the opportunity? Does he still have a job at your current location?

Is the opportunity a significant benefit to his career/pay etc?

What is the likelihood that he could find permanent employment (after that one year) in this destination? If there's a very high probability, why not make the move for everyone permanent?

If he takes the one year position, does he have a guaranteed job back home where you live now after the year is up?

Three hundred miles is a long way for even a three day weekend; five or six hours one way driving or probably the same amount of time flying considering all the parking, arriving at the airport, security, etc. not to mention the expense.

What kind of support network do you (the original poster) have at your current home? Parents, relatives, friends, etc?
Without getting into details, this job is an excellent opportunity, will only help the future of his career, and does not affect his current position, which will be here when he returns. Career-wise and financially, we are fine with whatever option is chosen.

There is NO chance that we will stay there permanently, but there is a small chance the job could be extended for a few extra months.

Yes, it IS a long way, and a significant portion of the weekend (even a 3-day weekend) would be spent on travel time however you cut it. We know that we can cover the expense without difficulty, but we are definitely worried about the time. After a few months, it will start to get REALLY old, too...

I have a wonderful support network here -- both of our families are here, and most of our friends, too. I know that I can count on them for help and support when needed (although I am the type that doesn't ask unless absolutely necessary).

Incidentally, we would also have friends nearby in the area we'd be going to, which would definitely make it a little more fun for us.
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Old 05-05-2010, 08:50 AM
 
Location: Orlando, Florida
43,858 posts, read 44,552,831 times
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Each family has their own dynamic as to what works for them and what doesn't.

When I was in the 7th grade, my dad took a year long job in LA. My gosh, we moved there right out of the sticks (very rural setting)!! I felt terribly misplaced and missed my friends, but I did adjust. Then we returned, and I felt so savvy and cool in my LA styled clothes and my "city" lingo knowledge.

So, it really depends on the personality of your kids and if they will look at it as an adventure or not. The 12 year old is probably the one to focus on....but like I said....it can end up being a good thing in the long run.

I think families should stay together whenever possible. I used to work for the military, and the families that traveled/moved together, as opposed to the ones where the husband/dad went on ahead and the family stayed back, seemed to be more balanced and happier.

Family adventures, good or bad, makes a family strong and builds healthy relationships. Your family is more important than lots of other stuff....and it's good for kids to learn that early on.
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Old 05-05-2010, 09:18 AM
 
Location: CT
61 posts, read 174,854 times
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GloryB, thank you for your comments... these are the things that I also think are most important, and I do feel that as a family we should stay together. However, if it is truly best for most members of our family that we don't go, then we'll do that.

Luckily, my children are all fairly outgoing, and the oldest does very well in new situations. Every vacation we have been on she has made a friend somewhere and before you know it, they are exchanging emails and phone numbers. I know that she would be sad to leave her friends behind (and her horse stables), but I do think she would be proud of herself for getting through the year, hopefully making some new friends, and returning to our town a slightly more "worldly" person.

The area we'd be moving to has a TON of stuff to do, we would not even have time to do it all, so I'm sure that would be something for the kids to get excited about. Almost like a year-long vacation, of course with school and chores still going on as usual.

We moved a few times when I was a kid, and although it wasn't easy, when I was older I was sure that it had made it easier for me to adapt to new situations. I wasn't one of those kids who was teary-eyed when her parents dropped her off at college -- I was totally READY to say "see ya Mom & Dad!"

Curiously, were you an only child?
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Old 05-06-2010, 04:57 PM
 
Location: The house on the hill
933 posts, read 3,116,669 times
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Have hubby go and take the job and get an apartment. The year will fly by and bring new adventures as you guys visit him and he visits you. I wouldn't disturb my children's schooling, friends, etc. for just one year.

Good luck! I'm sure it will all work out fine.

Also - my hubby just left the kids and I behind while he went to start his new job in another state. We plan to join him sometime this summer - so not too bad.
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Old 05-07-2010, 12:25 AM
 
28 posts, read 93,519 times
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I totally understand the predicament you are in. My family and I are very close, and proximity really counts. If you and your husband have talked about this, have weighed the pros and cons, and haven't come up with a decision because both choices are still a tie, then talk to the kids. Present to them both advantages and disadvantages of moving and let them have a say. They should be your tie-breakers. After all,they'd be part of everything, so their opinion should also count. 12 and 9 are opinionated ages.
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Old 05-07-2010, 07:58 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,115 posts, read 7,232,093 times
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I would take the kids and go! If you and your husband are approaching this as a big adventure, then it's very likely they will too! Kids take cues from their parents when something is new or different. Plus, kids are resilient - and bounce back - they can handle it!

We moved when I was in the middle of the fifth grade, and it was totally fine.

That said, there is something to be said for letting a child finish their four years of high school in one place, since high school really is four-year experience. For example, in my high school drama department, you put in your time as a sophomore doing crowd scenes, and then you had a better chance at a lead role as a junior or senior. Same thing with the choir, if you wanted to do solos as a senior, it really helped if you'd been a member all through high school.

But your kids aren't in high school! And in junior high/middle school it can actually be a positive experience to be the new kid that everyone wants to get to know!

And most importantly, in my opinion, family life trumps EVERYTHING else. Keep the family together, and go on your big adventure. Yes, there will be bumps in the road, and maybe a few times when you wonder why you chose this, but it really is just a year, and it sounds like fun!
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Old 05-07-2010, 08:39 AM
 
Location: CT
61 posts, read 174,854 times
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Thank you everyone for all your input and comments, I really do appreciate it.

My husband and I are still talking about it, but we have both been leaning towards making the move as a family. We have already gotten a moving estimate and had a real estate agent tell us how much we should be able to rent out our house for. And luckily, it looks like the job would time out well to include a complete school year without any interruptions.

My heart says "go" and my brain, having weighed the options, even thinks it's A-Ok. But I still have these passing thoughts about little things, so I wanted to see what you all thought about it in case there was something I missed.

As far as asking the kids, I don't think we will end up doing that. I'm afraid that could backfire if they pushed to stay -- I could end up feeling some resentment toward them as the year wore on, given that staying would probably be the most difficult on me.

But I do think that presenting it as an adventure, wearing our enthusiasm openly, will go a long way toward soothing their fears and frustration. In the long run I think they would always be glad we went.

One bonus in this -- one that I'm not so sure the kids could fully appreciate -- is that our current school system is only "ok", and we'd be looking at moving into one that is regarded as excellent. Of course, it's only for a year so it probably doesn't matter a ton, but I can't help but let that influence me a tiny bit.
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:42 AM
 
4,805 posts, read 20,197,653 times
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Its funny, I was thinking 300 miles really isn't that far. I mean if you were talking about 1000 miles, that would be a whole other story, but 300 can be done in a weekend. Living in Chicago, about half the people I know make the weekend trek to Cincinnati, and that's 300 miles. I wouldn't move the family for 300 miles.
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