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Napa is a nice area. Anywhere on the west coast would be suitable, actually. The one thing you're not likely to get are the snowy winters. However, snow is just a short drive away, in the mountains.
Philly is very gay friendly. PA does not have SSM, but Delaware does (suburbs of Philly), and NJ also. You can live in either NJ or DE and still be legally married.
If you want someplace that is progressive enough to have SSM but also has a smaller community feel I would suggest Des Moines, Iowa or Rochester, Minnesota. Both also have excellent economies and are generally considered to be great places to raise kids. Cedar Rapids might be worth checking out too. Among big cities, Minneapolis and Seattle check all you boxes. Seattle is a bit more "big city", Minneapolis is more affordable.
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