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Old 08-05-2014, 07:23 AM
 
47 posts, read 48,131 times
Reputation: 37

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Been dating a girl for a while and we just recently moved in together.
I was working out of town for up to two weeks at a time. My gf drove three hours to see me. Getting to my hotel room at 6 am. Spent that Sunday with me and drove back in the evening. Pleasant surprise.
Now I'm back home and I will send her flowers to work. Or get her breakfast and being it to her office etc.
I've planned two dates recently. On Friday and she didn't answer her phone or texts after work. It takes five minutes from her job to our house. She got home at 6 pm and said phone was in the car as she stopped to talk to her Childs teacher to pick up something. She never leaves her phone but I accepted it.
Next day she's taking her child school shopping and I said Od like to take her out to a movie when she got back later. She didn't respond to that either and. Said she saw the text as she was driving but forgot to text back.

We assigned the kids,her kids chores as they don't do anything. She comes home to cook clean house pick up etc. Yesterday one son says he won't do chores and runs to his mom and she says he doesn't have to. Undermining my authority.
Then she's on phone on Facebook as she always is through out. She gets on the phone with her sis for ages and eventually o go gently take her hand and say we need to take a walk. This is cause we haven't talked all Monday as she's been at work too and came home to take kids to practice as o bbqued. . All through out our walk she's on phone with her sis until we get back to the house.

is it me or is something wrong?
I ended cleaning house too cause that one kid refused to do his chores and she didn't seem to see a problem as she thanked me for cooking n cleaning house. I got upset and gave her silent treatment all night thereafter cause I didn't know how to talk her without getting really upset. She then sent me texts on how sweet I am how she loves me and was wondering why I'm quiet.

can someone help. Help me understand this.

Last edited by ostritch; 08-05-2014 at 07:45 AM..
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Old 08-05-2014, 07:31 AM
 
47 posts, read 48,131 times
Reputation: 37
And how do I move this to the marriage section? I am new here.
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Old 08-05-2014, 07:33 AM
 
Location: Pure Michigan!
4,347 posts, read 7,424,560 times
Reputation: 6783
Ok, this thread is totally in the wrong forum, but what the heck, I'll bite.

At this point, you have no authority whatsoever over this woman's kids. You are her shack up lover, nothing else, and they probably resent your presence as such and just wish that their mom and dad could be married and raising them together. Continue like this and you will see some very angry young adults grow out of this situation.

Sorry to be so blunt, but the truth sometimes isn't pleasant...and just out of curiosity, why do you want this moved to the marriage forum and want the advice of married people if you are just living together? It's not the same thing.

Last edited by canudigit; 08-05-2014 at 07:42 AM..
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Old 08-05-2014, 07:42 AM
 
47 posts, read 48,131 times
Reputation: 37
She said I have a right to ask them to do things. She even told them infront of me that they have to listen to what I say.
Then yesterday this incident with her spoilt middle son refusing to do chores and running to momma and he gets to take a ride with her and get a milkshake.

Other kids are fine. Its that one that's spoilt rotten. But I'm very upset about it. I have not brought myself to even discuss this with her this mornong
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Old 08-05-2014, 07:43 AM
 
47 posts, read 48,131 times
Reputation: 37
Great answers guys. I appreciate.Keep them coming

Last edited by ostritch; 08-05-2014 at 08:23 AM..
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Old 08-05-2014, 09:04 AM
 
Location: Between amicable and ornery
1,097 posts, read 1,451,773 times
Reputation: 1468
I'm married into a blended family and I can tell you now that it isn't easy. You need to get to know this woman better as it appears that you all are barely dating and are not ready to blend a family. I say this based on my perception of what little information you gave. Her avoiding your phone calls or lying about them is not a good way to handle conflict or argument.

You don't have the right to tell her children to do anything. You have not earned that right or proven your trust to them. Chances are they have baggage from prior family situations and you coming in telling them what to do would be similar to you going to the neighbors and telling them what to do. I'm married 13 years and still ask my husband to ask his kid to do what I would like done. My husband tried that crap with my son but I nipped that in the bud immediately. I am finally comfortable asking my stepchild to do chores as he's visiting this summer before going off to college. We have a great relationship and calls me momma max. I think if I would of tried to take the place of his mother, it would of destroyed our marriage.

My son went to live with his father in his early teens and it was hard on me but I think we all raised stable adults who love us all. You need to communicate, communicate communicate. If you really love this woman, don't see her with rose colored glasses. If you intend to marry her, let her know before you "pop" the question and truly consider both of you speaking with a marriage counselor, clergy or mentor. Do you think she is as serious about the relationship as you are?

Last edited by MAXIALE02; 08-05-2014 at 09:06 AM.. Reason: Typos
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Old 08-05-2014, 09:55 AM
 
47 posts, read 48,131 times
Reputation: 37
So I can work work work and provide. They ask me to drop them off at city pool,or take them to the park,or drop them off at their friends houses, I work and provide and I can't ask them to clean dishes as I cook?
so if I have my week off and she's working, I'm supposed to clean house and cook and laundry and serve dinner without expectatioon of asking a 13 year old to clean dishes he dirtied??
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:11 AM
 
Location: Ohio
5,626 posts, read 5,068,696 times
Reputation: 6766
You have a lot to learn if youre going to be part of this.

You can ask them to do chores but youre not their father and clearly they are treating you as such.
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:30 AM
 
Location: Between amicable and ornery
1,097 posts, read 1,451,773 times
Reputation: 1468
Quote:
Originally Posted by ostritch View Post
So I can work work work and provide. They ask me to drop them off at city pool,or take them to the park,or drop them off at their friends houses, I work and provide and I can't ask them to clean dishes as I cook?
so if I have my week off and she's working, I'm supposed to clean house and cook and laundry and serve dinner without expectatioon of asking a 13 year old to clean dishes he dirtied??
That is a simple answer but this not a simple issue. It/they may work in the beginning but eventually her kids will start testing you as kids do to even their own parents. My comment is that you haven't put the time in to command their trust in their best interests. Kids have a sense about people and are like sponges. They are always watching, that's how they learn. My little one cracks me up repeating things she's heard me say even though I don't think she's listening. All I can say is being Ina blended family is a marathon, not a sprint.
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Between amicable and ornery
1,097 posts, read 1,451,773 times
Reputation: 1468
Quote:
Originally Posted by ostritch View Post
So I can work work work and provide. They ask me to drop them off at city pool,or take them to the park,or drop them off at their friends houses, I work and provide and I can't ask them to clean dishes as I cook?
so if I have my week off and she's working, I'm supposed to clean house and cook and laundry and serve dinner without expectatioon of asking a 13 year old to clean dishes he dirtied??
My husband has been gone for work for 6 weeks. I still call him to ask him to ask his son (who's here for the summer) to do things. Once he gives the first order then I will ask the son to do it, if it doesn't get done. Mind you we've been together 14 years. The son is respectful of me and we get along great but I'm respectful of his chain of command and I, as a non-biological parent am not going to change that.

I've been left with the task of teaching my stepson how to drive. My husband didn't expect to be called away for work this summer. I'm making meals, doing shopping and providing entertainment. I don't see it as a pass to exert my will on my SS. I see it as providing care for him out of love for my husband. I consider our family a success. I feel that my SS knows I'm trying and respects me for that. He doesn't give me grief and listens to me just as much as my own kids. Lol. I've grown to love him as much as my own kids. Can you say the same?

Last edited by MAXIALE02; 08-05-2014 at 10:54 AM.. Reason: Last sentence.
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