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Old 01-03-2015, 02:59 PM
 
5 posts, read 3,596 times
Reputation: 10

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Hi all,

Sorry if this has been asked and answered already, but I couldn't find anything.

First I'll say I am lucky to be able relocate with my current profession. Secondly, I was born and raised in Northern NJ, very close to NYC and lived here until I was in my late 30's. I moved out West with my ex and a whole new world opened up. I spent time in Northern Cali and Seattle, along with visiting the nearby cities. I really loved Portland, OR and Victoria, BC. Long story short, my ex and I broke up and I moved back to Jersey temporarily. That was 2 years ago. Now I'm more than ready to get out.

My question is - is it better to move to a place that you like or move close to family, to a place that you may grow to like?

I'll be 44 this year and really not into moving around a lot more. Personally, I'd love to go back to the Pacific NW. My elderly parents live here in Jersey, and I have family in VA, FL and Northern CA that want me to move closer to them. Everything I've read says to move close to family and not to a place where you don't know anyone. I'll feel very guilty leaving my parents here, but this place is just too toxic and I really have no life.

Does anyone have experience with this issue? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks
J
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Old 01-03-2015, 03:24 PM
 
207 posts, read 270,731 times
Reputation: 140
We moved to austin from Chicago (where all our family is) and we have really loved it down here.. It is hard no being able to see family as much as we'd like but we go home a few times a year and they come here a dew times.

Go where your going to be happiest. If you're not happy in New Jersey then why stay? What's
Going to change that's going to make you happy being there?
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Old 01-03-2015, 03:32 PM
 
Location: Minneapolis (St. Louis Park)
5,991 posts, read 8,318,361 times
Reputation: 4270
I can try to address your question, having lived out this scenario once already.

Generally speaking, you should move to where you will be happiest and most productive. A HUGE part of that could very well include being close to family (or at least being accessible to them). If, for instance, you have small children like we do, having family in the immediate area is a major benefit that could mean the difference between $15K-$25K in daycare expenses and knowing your children have a close relationship with your parents, or not. HOWEVER, it does not help you any if you are miserable at the same time, especially if that misery is closely tied to where you're living.

In our example, we moved away from Minneapolis (my former home and favorite city) to Cleveland, where my wife's parents live (mine are in SF and moving to SF was not in our wheelhouse). Cleveland is a great city and it continues to surprise me in many favorable ways, but I really miss "home" and I strongly believe that our family would thrive more there as opposed to here -- even after taking into consideration our access to family and friends. It's still unclear whether our decision was "best", and it's something we debate quite a bit.

Ultimately the decision is yours to make and it will depend on a number of factors, some more important than others. They might include the following, and your preferences may vary from mine:

Important Factors When Deciding Where to Live:
1. Employment/Income
2. Family/Friends nearby
3. Cultural "fit" (general feeling of happiness in a place due to fit or inclusiveness with other people and the city)
4. Education/Schools (esp. if you have children, but even for those w/out children this is very important)
5. Weather/Scenery
6. Politics/Taxes (liberal or conservative, high taxes/good public services or low taxes/services privatized)


Good luck with your big decision! Remember, you can always change your mind if you don't make the right choice right away.
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Old 01-04-2015, 06:18 AM
 
5 posts, read 3,596 times
Reputation: 10
Thank you for your responses! I know I need to get out of Jersey, and probably back to the West Coast to feel happier, less stressed and just healthier overall. My major issue is guilt - my elderly parents are here in Jersey and my Dad expects me to stay and be here for them. My nieces in VA always ask me to move, and they have young children who I'd love to see grow up, but, again, have no real desire to live in VA. I know I felt at home in Portland from the first visit, and my sister in No. Cali would be close, I may even move out near her for a bit before moving North. My family seems so afraid of me moving someplace where I know no one. I'm single without kids, but I've already done the cross country move and don't feel that intimidated by it. Luckily I have a few months to think! Thanks again
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Old 01-04-2015, 08:05 AM
 
21,195 posts, read 30,379,606 times
Reputation: 19627
Quote:
Originally Posted by jerseygirl21 View Post
Hi all,

Sorry if this has been asked and answered already, but I couldn't find anything.

First I'll say I am lucky to be able relocate with my current profession. Secondly, I was born and raised in Northern NJ, very close to NYC and lived here until I was in my late 30's. I moved out West with my ex and a whole new world opened up. I spent time in Northern Cali and Seattle, along with visiting the nearby cities. I really loved Portland, OR and Victoria, BC. Long story short, my ex and I broke up and I moved back to Jersey temporarily. That was 2 years ago. Now I'm more than ready to get out.

My question is - is it better to move to a place that you like or move close to family, to a place that you may grow to like?

I'll be 44 this year and really not into moving around a lot more. Personally, I'd love to go back to the Pacific NW. My elderly parents live here in Jersey, and I have family in VA, FL and Northern CA that want me to move closer to them. Everything I've read says to move close to family and not to a place where you don't know anyone. I'll feel very guilty leaving my parents here, but this place is just too toxic and I really have no life.

Does anyone have experience with this issue? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks
J
I have direct experience with what you're going through and would say you'll most likely have deep regret if you move far away and are absent or delayed when your parents' inevitable health issues/passing away occurs. Sometimes the first impulse is to move as far away as possible from toxic circumstances, when in actuality a move two hours away is far enough to remove yourself...yet close enough if need be. Some will say flights home are a few hours away but how about for circumstances where long illnesses, rehabilitation and elder care are involved? I would urge you to investigate options in neighboring metro areas like Boston or Philly where you can get established in a new life closer to home, because the haunting regret will stay with you for the rest of your life.
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Old 01-04-2015, 08:12 AM
 
13,250 posts, read 17,784,157 times
Reputation: 19918
You say that you left Portland two years ago. Often the positives of our past take on a life of their own. You are mot the same person, your personal life is not the same, neither is Portland. Why do you not take a trip to revisit Portland.
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Old 01-04-2015, 08:21 AM
 
338 posts, read 405,487 times
Reputation: 379
You should live in a place that makes you happy. This is coming from a person whose family isn't really close. We don't hate each other but we only see each other once a year and we're fine with that.

I have lived all over the country and no matter what I always grabbed a flight back home to attend the family New Years party.

With technology the way it is, using FaceTime, Skype, texting, calling, emailing, etc is plenty to keep in touch.

I can't blame you for wanted to get out of NJ. If you like the PNW you should move there. It's not the worst thing since you have family in Northern CA.

You're 44. Do what makes you happy!
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Old 01-04-2015, 09:36 AM
 
5 posts, read 3,596 times
Reputation: 10
Default very true

Quote:
Originally Posted by kyle19125 View Post
I have direct experience with what you're going through and would say you'll most likely have deep regret if you move far away and are absent or delayed when your parents' inevitable health issues/passing away occurs. Sometimes the first impulse is to move as far away as possible from toxic circumstances, when in actuality a move two hours away is far enough to remove yourself...yet close enough if need be. Some will say flights home are a few hours away but how about for circumstances where long illnesses, rehabilitation and elder care are involved? I would urge you to investigate options in neighboring metro areas like Boston or Philly where you can get established in a new life closer to home, because the haunting regret will stay with you for the rest of your life.
I've been thinking about this alot, especially since I work with the elderly. My sisters tell me not to worry about it, that my folks can move near them, but I'm afraid it won't work that way. Everyone says to live your life and do what you want but I feel so selfish. Plus they may only have a few years left and I (hopefully) have several. Thanks for your input, helps to hear from someone who's been through it. And I'm sorry, sounds like you're still dealing with some rough stuff.
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Old 11-17-2016, 09:09 AM
 
1 posts, read 346 times
Reputation: 10
Default Im going through similar issue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jerseygirl21 View Post
Hi all,

Sorry if this has been asked and answered already, but I couldn't find anything.

First I'll say I am lucky to be able relocate with my current profession. Secondly, I was born and raised in Northern NJ, very close to NYC and lived here until I was in my late 30's. I moved out West with my ex and a whole new world opened up. I spent time in Northern Cali and Seattle, along with visiting the nearby cities. I really loved Portland, OR and Victoria, BC. Long story short, my ex and I broke up and I moved back to Jersey temporarily. That was 2 years ago. Now I'm more than ready to get out.

My question is - is it better to move to a place that you like or move close to family, to a place that you may grow to like?

I'll be 44 this year and really not into moving around a lot more. Personally, I'd love to go back to the Pacific NW. My elderly parents live here in Jersey, and I have family in VA, FL and Northern CA that want me to move closer to them. Everything I've read says to move close to family and not to a place where you don't know anyone. I'll feel very guilty leaving my parents here, but this place is just too toxic and I really have no life.

Does anyone have experience with this issue? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks
J

Originally from NYC, I moved from PA after my Dad died I no longer felt a need to be there. I left my daughter and sisters neices and nephew. I moved to Florida, no family or freinds. What a culture shock. My immediate family is not close. Holiday family. My grandmother from the Bronx now lives in VA with my uncle who is currently going through chemo. The statement people make about its just a flight home. Its not that simple. I live in Florida where the pay sucks the vacation and the benefits are the pits. The reason i came here sight unseen, I was tired of the snow and driving on black ice. Losing PTO because of it. I LOVE the weather and I haven't had the chance to really experience much. I moved with whatever fit in my car. So I've been getting adjusted. Anyway. I want to live my life and give Florida a real chance but in the back of my mind I feel selfish because my grandmother is 94 no illnesses but my uncle is going through chemo, they are all they have there in VA. After losing my dad ( my first death of a relative as a grown person) I no longer take family for granted. I cant afford to come home on holidays, and have a personal vacation. I figure if i live close I can have personal vacation. My grandmother is the second favorite person on the earth. I hate the thought of packing and moving and going back to cold weather but life is not about me its about the people i love and love me. It may sound like ive made up my mind but I really love the warm weather its November and its 70 degrees. My uncle doesn't want me to come because he is proud of me for taking a leap and going where i always wanted to go. But what is life when you have no one to share it with. I've been in Florida for two years i have made any friends. The other part of the sadness is I am an empty-nester I am 44. i m really starting to learn who i really am as a person. I am not as adventurous as i thought I am not social. It so overwhelming to try to make friends and not have one familiar face around you. My coworkers have their own lives not really inclusive.
My point is I am not sure if I am romanticizing the idea of being a help to my grandmother and uncle or escaping the painful experience of being empty-nester and learning who i really am without the shield of being a parent or if my real intent is to be supportive to my family.
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