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The small-town Southern Black funeral is pretty much all I know, so imagine my culture shock when I attended my first big city funeral in the Northeast several years ago, my great-aunt's. My sister and I were appalled that it lacked the solemnity and decorum of funerals in the South.
I know what you mean, and I am a middle class white lady! LOL
My ancestors grew up in the rural south, so I'm used to those rural southern funerals too. Now - people don't tend to dress up in black and wear hats to those funerals, but they are solemn occasions and always involve hymns, preachers, and a formal order of events. And then a big potluck dinner afterwards, either at the fellowship hall or at someone's house.
As I've "gotten around" I've noticed a lot of different types of funerals - some I like better than others. One thing I've noticed a lot more of is having the funeral at the funeral home rather than a church. To be honest, I'm not sure I like that as much, mostly because then everyone has to drive out to the grave site if they want to stay with the family for the meal afterwards. I mean, it adds an extra step I don't much care for. Many people scatter right after the funeral, so there are fewer people involved in the "after funeral celebrations" with the family. At least that's been my experience, and I think that those "after funeral" get togethers are an important part of the whole ritual. I hate to see those go away.
I've been to Catholic funerals (I'm not Catholic) and I thought the rituals were beautiful.
I prefer funerals at the church with the cemetery right there, and dinner in the fellowship hall afterwards, but I think those are getting more and more rare.
You know what - this has me thinking. I am not even sure of where I want to be buried, and our church doesn't have a cemetery next to it. Hmmmm. My husband and I have sort of talked about it but not really in depth. Wow, we need to talk about that.
Do you think this generation has the dressy clothes? Fewer people seem to go to church now and the ones that do wear clothes that my parents would have sent me back to get dressed again if I had started to church in them. We go to a local church but the girl who usually sits in front of us is from New York and wears jeans and a pretty shirt every Sunday. She is a teacher and probably wears this to school every day where my teachers usually wore pretty dresses or suits. I personally think people would have more respect for themselves and others if they put forth the effort to look better. I find it a little sad. And does this long stringy hair come from the fact people cannot afford a hair cut? Is it just me or do people look depressed these days? I love getting dressed with the ladies my age in our aquatic center. We all check each other out to see who has the newest outfit. And then come the compliments. It makes you feel good to look your best. No slopping around for us just because we are retired.
Why can't you just be glad the girl is in church at all?
I am black and have been to many black funerals. I was born in Ohio and all my grandparents were born in Ohio and my mom's family were free people of color here in Ohio since the 1860s and prior to that lived in Pennsylvania since the late 1700s as far as I have traced. All that to state as follows:
- Wearing black at funerals for most black Americans is very common and is expected
- Dressing up is VERY common and is expected as well though younger generations don't seem to be doing this as much. I was raised to where we respect the dead and the family by dressing up for a funeral. It looks poorly on your family to look like a ragamuffin at a funeral (lol, what my grandma told me when I didn't want to wear a "slip" under my dress to a funeral during the summer)
- Singling is VERY common at black funerals and is the best part.
- Lasting an hour or more is VERY common at black funerals and this does not even include the wake and other rites for the dead. Singing is usually done at the wake as well in my family and my husband's who is from Chicago and Arkansas
- Speaking about the deceased is usually ALWAYS done at every single funeral I have ever been to. At all the funerals I attended, they even invite us to come up and share something about the deceased. There are usuallly at least 2 ministers/deacons who preach and give condolences to the family then they have a family speaker who reads or gives a short sermon then they have someone euologize the deceased. When this doesn't occur it is usually because the eulogist didn't know the deceased very well (I can ALWAYS tell in my own family and it is disappointing when this occurs) or because the person was not well liked (people attending always know this too lol) so they don't want to speak ill of the dead!
- Usually there is always crying at a black funeral and there is always someone yelling/crying pretty loudly at least in my experience.
Unfortunately, we had 4 deaths in my family over the past year. One of the funerals I didn't attend because it was a cousin of mine who was only 20 years old and I make a point not to go to younger people's funerals because then I'll turn into the "wailer" crying and such. I also had a niece who was 11 months old die recently and I didn't attend that funeral either.
But what you saw, other than the not speaking about the deceased, is pretty common in my experience for black funerals. That said, there are a few differences depending on the location of the funeral. As stated, I am from Ohio and we always have "funeral singer" either at the wake or funeral. He is a friend of the family and is used by practically all the black families in our city (we have over 100K black people here).
I have been to some "good" funerals as well. The best was my grandmother's (of ragamuffin fame mentioned above) back in 2004. She was a choir director and member of a community choir and all her choirs sang her favorite songs. There were lots of wailers as she was only in her 60s (died of cancer, most older people in my family die in the 80s or above so it was a sad occassion for us). The best part was her eulogy which was performed by her pastor who was also a very close friend. He brought her to life IMO and spoke on all her greatest personal attributes without glossing over the fact that she was a "hard woman" and she could tell you off in a second but was the most dependable person you would ever meet. That she was, and his eulogy stays with me and I am actually getting a bit teary eyed because I miss her sharp tongue and her dependability. She was the only person I truly knew would do what she said she would do when I was a child and I was happy that this was a trait that was known all over our city to her friends and associates. Over 400 people attended her funeral. It was pretty similar to the one you attended.
Wanted to also add that I recently went to the funeral of a white, Catholic co-worker and it was WAY different than what I was used to. His was the only white person's funeral I have ever attended.
Also, I am from a city of nearly 300k people about 1/3 are black. No matter the denomination, all the funerals here are pretty much the same. My FIL's funeral in AR was only slightly different. FWIW, he was actually an embalmer and my Grandmother IL was a funeral director for many years. Black funeral home owners/directors are well respected members of the black community usually and especially so in AR and in my hometown. We have about 3-4 black funeral homes and all the black people mostly go to them. My grandfather (dad's dad) died a few months after I was born and at the time he was married to a white woman and she didn't send him to "our family's" funeral home here in the city and sent him to a white funeral home. My aunts and extended family still speak ill of her for that lol!
Via my genealogical research I did find out that "our family's" funeral home has buried about 5 generations of my family. My mother's side also used this same funeral director and they have buried 7 generations of that family. The funeral home opened as the first black home in the city in the 1910s and they have a wealth of genealogical information about both sides of my family in their older records which have been donated to a history center. One of my 2nd cousins in law is from the family of the 2nd black funeral home director here and she has all their old funeral home records and I'm trying to convince her to dig them out and donate them as well.
The small-town Southern Black funeral is pretty much all I know, so imagine my culture shock when I attended my first big city funeral in the Northeast several years ago, my great-aunt's. My sister and I were appalled that it lacked the solemnity and decorum of funerals in the South.
That's interesting. I've never really thought there was much of a difference between the two (other than churches in cities usually being larger than churches in rural areas).
The biggest difference I've noticed is between mega church and small church rather than urban church and rural church. There are some churches in Bed-Stuy that might as well be in rural Georgia. You see the Eastern Stars out and everything.
In what specific ways did the funeral you attended lack solemnity and decorum? I can't say I've ever attended a funeral that wasn't a solemn occasion, but I guess some funerals are different.
That's interesting. I've never really thought there was much of a difference between the two (other than churches in cities usually being larger than churches in rural areas).
The biggest difference I've noticed is between mega church and small church rather than urban church and rural church. There are some churches in Bed-Stuy that might as well be in rural Georgia. You see the Eastern Stars out and everything.
In what specific ways did the funeral you attended lack solemnity and decorum? I can't say I've ever attended a funeral that wasn't a solemn occasion, but I guess some funerals are different.
My great-aunt's funeral was in Queens. The biggest differences I noticed was that before the service began, people in the church were milling about and talking amongst themselves; the pastor or whoever was in charge of the service had to ask people to quiet down and find a seat so that the service could begin (we were lined up in the back of the church in order to process inside and have the final viewing). In the South, that would be considered blasphemy. The actual service itself was more or less typical of what you'd see in the South though. Also at the gravesite, there was no tent or chairs for the family; we just all stood around the grave for the graveside rites which was also quite different.
My great-aunt's funeral was in Queens. The biggest differences I noticed was that before the service began, people in the church were milling about and talking amongst themselves; the pastor or whoever was in charge of the service had to ask people to quiet down and find a seat so that the service could begin (we were lined up in the back of the church in order to process inside and have the final viewing). In the South, that would be considered blasphemy. The actual service itself was more or less typical of what you'd see in the South though. Also at the gravesite, there was no tent or chairs for the family; we just all stood around the grave for the graveside rites which was also quite different.
Yeah, I can't say that's a Southern/Northern difference since I've never attended a funeral quite like that. LOL. That just sounds awful and disrespectful...no offense to your family and/or friends. I've just never been to a funeral where people have acted that way.
The tent and chairs for the family, I've always thought, were a standard thing.
Sometimes there is a private viewing mostly for close relatives such as a spouse, siblings and children. This can take place a few days before the wake or the funeral. This allows the funeral home to allow the family one last chance to approve how the deceased has been prepared. Nowadays the wake precedes the funeral on the same day as the funeral. When I grew up the wake was always in the evening a day before the funeral.
Yeah, I can't say that's a Southern/Northern difference since I've never attended a funeral quite like that. LOL. That just sounds awful and disrespectful...no offense to your family and/or friends. I've just never been to a funeral where people have acted that way.
No offense taken; from what I understand, my great-aunt wasn't a member of that particular church, at least not at the time of her death. Not exactly sure why it was held there though.
Sometimes there is a private viewing mostly for close relatives such as a spouse, siblings and children. This can take place a few days before the wake or the funeral. This allows the funeral home to allow the family one last chance to approve how the deceased has been prepared. Nowadays the wake precedes the funeral on the same day as the funeral. When I grew up the wake was always in the evening a day before the funeral.
Where I grew up in SC, the family has a private viewing 2-3 days before the funeral to make sure the body has been prepared to their liking. The day before the funeral there will be a visitation at the funeral home where the public may view the body, a wake sometimes happens that evening, and the actual funeral occurs the next day.
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