Which City Is Best for Me? (home, unemployment, neighborhood)
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1. I love to play the tuba. Is there a city with a high proportion of tuba players?
2. I want to live in a community with great culture. Mind you, I haven't been to a concert, a play, a recital, or any other kind of live performance in three years. In fact, I pretty much sit at home and watch television six nights a week. But saying I live in a city with culture is extremely important to me.
3. I want exact conformance to my political principles by everybody who lives in the community. My principles are primarily Hobbsian in nature with a little Ayn Rand...although influenced partially by George Wallace and Tamburlaine.
4. Religious. Are they religious or not? Again, I expect absolutely no deviance from my own rarefied spiritual ideals, which typically are either Wiccan or Unitarian, depending on my frame of mind. If I sacrifice a goat on my front lawn during the Witch's Sabbath will people be narrow-minded enough to call the police?
5. Crime. I expect to live in a community with no crime. If I read that somebody's been shot outside a crack den at 3 a.m. in a neighborhood ten miles from me, I'm going to move.
6. Ethnic Tolerance. I'm a mix of Laotian, Finnish, Somalian, and Inca. I want to make sure that people in the grocery store will not erupt into a complete rage at the sight of me, howling obscenities, pelting me with rocks and garbage and spray-painting slurs on the side of my 1978 Buick Electra.
7. Climate. My tolerance for temperature is from 71-76 degrees. Anything outside of that range is completely unacceptable. Oh, and it should only rain when I don't have outdoor activities planned.
8. Sexuality. I'm totally straight, but weigh 450 pounds and have a harelip. I'll need to live in a community where people accept me for who I am. Because if I don't have a date every weekend, it will prove that the community is hopelessly shallow and fickle.
Can anybody help me find the ideal place to live using these criteria?
If I sacrifice a goat on my front lawn during the Witch's Sabbath will people be narrow-minded enough to call the police?
This would make them narrow-minded? ... Well, I guess I pride myself in being narrow-minded then. Because I would call the police as soon as I saw you walk out onto your lawn with the sharp utencils in hand.
Also, were you kidding about needing to live in an area with Incas? I don't think this exists. Might as well try to find a city in the US with a high Aborigine population, or a chique Aborigine Culture District.
This would make them narrow-minded? ... Well, I guess I pride myself in being narrow-minded then. Because I would call the police as soon as I saw you walk out onto your lawn with the sharp utencils in hand.
Also, were you kidding about needing to live in an area with Incas? I don't think this exists. Might as well try to find a city in the US with a high Aborigine population, or a chique Aborigine Culture District.
Hahaha.
I was really writing a satire on these kinds of threads. I'm guessing you figured that out already.
I was really writing a satire on these kinds of threads. I'm guessing you figured that out already.
Rep for you. I figured it had to be a joke about halfway through, but I briefly thought it was serious given how some posters earnestly post these kinds of "criteria" for their perfect city. I especially liked the following:
"I want exact conformance to my political principles by everybody who lives in the community. My principles are primarily Hobbsian in nature with a little Ayn Rand...although influenced partially by George Wallace and Tamburlaine."
It does seem like there are an awful lot of people that are seeking a city that conforms completely and perfectly to their social and political ideology. WTF...
South Park, Colorado. The only person you have to worry about dying is Kenny, and Mr. Hanky during Christmas time if he stays out of the toilet for too long!
Oh, I forgot one other criteria. Unemployment should be below 3%, and no industries that I disapprove of. Plus everybody should bicycle to work. Except me, of course.
Countdown for someone to blindly say NYC or SF. 3...2....1....
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