Unspoken Southern Rules (transplants, home, weddings) - City-Data Forum

Deborah53 · 05-06-2009, 06:37 PM

I recently had a discussion with a woman who grew up in the midwest but lived for many years in the south. She spoke of the social rules being very different, things such as weddings and gift giving. She said gifts are never taken to the reception and those who do are uncouth. Also said you never go to another church if you are not a member for things like a funeral. I was just wondering if any transplants have encountered what she speaks of or any other differences in what is/isn't acceptable socially. Thanks for the insight.

Beretta · 05-06-2009, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deborah53

I recently had a discussion with a woman who grew up in the midwest but lived for many years in the south. She spoke of the social rules being very different, things such as weddings and gift giving. She said gifts are never taken to the reception and those who do are uncouth. Also said you never go to another church if you are not a member for things like a funeral. I was just wondering if any transplants have encountered what she speaks of or any other differences in what is/isn't acceptable socially. Thanks for the insight.

Well, I am a native Southerner and not a transplant (therefore I won't respond since you asked for transplants to respond) so I will sit back and wait to see the responses. This should be interesting!

Deborah53 · 05-06-2009, 06:45 PM

SmokyMtnGal,

I always seem to insult on here... I guess I asked for transplants because I figured they are the outsiders and would know when they messed up. Please anyone respond.

Beretta · 05-06-2009, 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deborah53

SmokyMtnGal,

I always seem to insult on here... I guess I asked for transplants because I figured they are the outsiders and would know when they messed up. Please anyone respond.

No way did you insult! I am just having to sit on my hands!

I am not so sure that outsiders would know when they messed up because the southerners will most likely gossip and whisper to one another but never say anything to the transplants face. Can't wait to read the responses.

JoanD'Arc · 05-06-2009, 07:00 PM

As a transplanted Northerner, I've had some very interesting experiences, mostly in the friends/ acquaintence dept. Apparently a true Southern lady will meet a particular person and invite him or her places, not to be friends, but to introduce them to people who MIGHT want to be their friend!!!

Very confusing!! My experience "up North" told me that if a person invites you to their home for dinner, they want to be your friend. Also if you invite someone to your home for dinner, you want to be their friend, and their acceptance indicates they'd like to give it a try.

As far as I know, even "up North" gifts are not supposed to be taken to the reception. They are mailed or taken to the bride's home or that of her parents. For one reason: The reception is immediately followed by the honeymoon and the newlyweds shouldn't have to make arrangements at the reception for someone to babysit their gifts, hoping the cards would stay with them, until they return.

Obvioulsy these things are going to vary depending on the people/circumstances; those are only my experiences, plus a reading of "Miss Manners!"

Servpro Will · 05-06-2009, 08:04 PM

Well consider me uncouth.....I've always taken my gifts to the wedding/reception, along with everyone else at the wedding. In my wedding, we had a table for gifts, and it was quite full. Come to think of it, I've never been to a wedding here where there wasn't a large batch of gifts.

As far as inviting friends for dinner, I've never used it as tool for evaluating possible friendships, merely a time for people to get together over some good food and have a good time.

For funerals, I don't see at all the problem for anyone attending, regardless of your own personal choice. Thr funeral is in honor of the deceased. If anyone I know passes away, I'll go anywhere I need to pay my final respects to them and their family.

I think the things mentioned are quite silly and very old worldly, and aren't being practiced in Knoxville, or at least I've never encountered it in my 30 years. People are much too particular with things that don't matter.

Beretta · 05-06-2009, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by William Sold

Well consider me uncouth.....I've always taken my gifts to the wedding/reception, along with everyone else at the wedding. In my wedding, we had a table for gifts, and it was quite full. Come to think of it, I've never been to a wedding here where there wasn't a large batch of gifts.

As far as inviting friends for dinner, I've never used it as tool for evaluating possible friendships, merely a time for people to get together over some good food and have a good time.

For funerals, I don't see at all the problem for anyone attending, regardless of your own personal choice. Thr funeral is in honor of the deceased. If anyone I know passes away, I'll go anywhere I need to pay my final respects to them and their family.

I think the things mentioned are quite silly and very old worldly, and aren't being practiced in Knoxville, or at least I've never encountered it in my 30 years. People are much too particular with things that don't matter.

But they are practiced in certain pockets in Knoxville.

anothertntony · 05-06-2009, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deborah53

She said gifts are never taken to the reception and those who do are uncouth. Also said you never go to another church if you are not a member for things like a funeral. I was just wondering if any transplants have encountered what she speaks of or any other differences in what is/isn't acceptable socially. Thanks for the insight.

I grew up in TN and I've never run into any of these issues. The weddings that I have attended had tables for gifts, but most people do seem to have the gifts shipped ahead of time (it is far easier to order something from their registry and have it shipped directly to them anyway).

As for the funeral question, I have certainly never heard of that. I have been to several funerals at different churches and I have never heard of someone not attending a funeral because they were not a member of the church.

I don't doubt that there are people that would consider both uncouth, but they are in a small minority and you can safely and happily ignore them.

JoanD'Arc · 05-06-2009, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by William Sold

Well consider me uncouth.....I've always taken my gifts to the wedding/reception, along with everyone else at the wedding. In my wedding, we had a table for gifts, and it was quite full. Come to think of it, I've never been to a wedding here where there wasn't a large batch of gifts.

As far as inviting friends for dinner, I've never used it as tool for evaluating possible friendships, merely a time for people to get together over some good food and have a good time.

For funerals, I don't see at all the problem for anyone attending, regardless of your own personal choice. Thr funeral is in honor of the deceased. If anyone I know passes away, I'll go anywhere I need to pay my final respects to them and their family.

I think the things mentioned are quite silly and very old worldly, and aren't being practiced in Knoxville, or at least I've never encountered it in my 30 years. People are much too particular with things that don't matter.

Bringing gifts to a reception is a common practice. Probably depends on the expectations of that particular group.

I don't use asking friends over for dinner as a tool; it just works out that way. Be honest, if you invite a new acquaintance into your home and that person acts like a jerk (or whatever) you probably aren't going to be very good friends with him or her.

I've never heard of that particular funeral custom (not going there if you aren't a member) and I worked for a southern church for 11 years.

I do think customs vary by region. It's helpful to find out what the particulars are!

jabogitlu · 05-06-2009, 08:53 PM

Um... okay, maybe I've not been to that many weddings, but aren't gifts given at the bridal shower??? Or are there wedding gifts too? I've never seen gifts at a reception.

No, I've never heard of people not going to a funeral because they're not a member of that church. THat would just be strange?

Quote:

Apparently a true Southern lady will meet a particular person and invite him or her places, not to be friends, but to introduce them to people who MIGHT want to be their friend!!!

This, however, is true.