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Old 11-11-2009, 08:03 PM
 
826 posts, read 1,637,759 times
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This is not a joke, I am serious about this question. I have lived in both Maryland (college) and the Midwest (job) and found that in those areas, men of all races do not actively pursue black women.

I don't know whether it is cultural, fear of sexual harassment accusations or just plain zero attraction to black women but in those places I got (and still get) no play.

A little about me, I grew up in Ghana, a country where men actively pursue women. They make catcalls, walk up to you and boldly ask you out for a date.

Since I moved to the U.S., I have not had that experience. I know I am not ugly but for the life of me, cannot explain why I never get asked out. I asked a caucasian colleague of mine and she said that American men are just shy and that they don't chase women the way I was used to in Ghana. She advised me to make eye contact with men I like and to smile encouragingly.

I tried that but failed woefully. I am just not used to making the first moves with a man also, the men I liked were not attracted to me.

I decided to stop but now want to move to an area where men are bolder. Does such a place exist in the U.S.?

I am professional, 26 with a grad degree
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Old 11-12-2009, 04:31 AM
 
770 posts, read 750,511 times
Reputation: 608
I don't know if it's much of a geographical thing. All told african american women are not often seen with white dudes, whereas african american men are often with white women. I don't know why that is-maybe the attraction in sum just works that way. I suppose your best bet is to move to a part of the country with more african american men.

I don't know, though. Honestly if you're considering a move to improve your dating life and you're not living in a town with 30 people, there might be some other issues, no offense. Why not change your style and approach men you're interested in? It's common for women to hit on men, times have changed in that regard.


Best of luck.
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Old 11-12-2009, 05:09 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 58,410,008 times
Reputation: 26532
You're not in Ghana now, it's as simple as that. When you move to a new part of the world you have to learn the local mores and adapt to them. Many women from other parts of the world would find the behavior that you ascribe to Ghanaian men very discomforting!

If I were you I would work at getting involved with a variety of different people in different social situations and observe the differences in social behavior, learn from them. Good luck!
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Old 11-12-2009, 11:54 AM
 
Location: Illinois
3,168 posts, read 4,329,390 times
Reputation: 5595
Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkin about it View Post
I don't know if it's much of a geographical thing. All told african american women are not often seen with white dudes, whereas african american men are often with white women. I don't know why that is-maybe the attraction in sum just works that way. I suppose your best bet is to move to a part of the country with more african american men.

I don't know, though. Honestly if you're considering a move to improve your dating life and you're not living in a town with 30 people, there might be some other issues, no offense. Why not change your style and approach men you're interested in? It's common for women to hit on men, times have changed in that regard.


Best of luck.
It's mostly because there is a stigma attached to black women who date or marry outside of their race. We are expected to date and marry men who look a lot like our fathers, brothers, uncles...

The times I've dated outside my race I got the most flack from other black women. But some of us are hard on each other regardless. Adding in the stigma from our community with the dynamics between black women, it just isn't "worth" it for some to date other races.

I recently moved to Chicagoland. I'm not terribly interested in dating right now but I haven't had a lack of interest from men.

OP, why not try approaching men? I'm not saying give it away free, lol, but there are ways to break the ice. For instance, ask questions about restaurants, books, tools, etc. You have to appear to be pleasant and opened.
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Old 11-13-2009, 11:22 PM
 
826 posts, read 1,637,759 times
Reputation: 1299
Guys, trust me, I have tried to ask men out, it just does not work. I am not comfortable with it and end up embarrassed and feeling stupid at the end. I have tried for years and have now reached the conclusion that I am more comfortable with men asking me out.

I know that there are states in the U.S. where it is normal for men to be a lot more direct with asking black women out. I just don't know where :-(
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Old 11-13-2009, 11:38 PM
 
Location: Underneath the Pecan Tree
15,989 posts, read 30,680,544 times
Reputation: 7280
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peacelilies View Post
This is not a joke, I am serious about this question. I have lived in both Maryland (college) and the Midwest (job) and found that in those areas, men of all races do not actively pursue black women.

I don't know whether it is cultural, fear of sexual harassment accusations or just plain zero attraction to black women but in those places I got (and still get) no play.

A little about me, I grew up in Ghana, a country where men actively pursue women. They make catcalls, walk up to you and boldly ask you out for a date.

Since I moved to the U.S., I have not had that experience. I know I am not ugly but for the life of me, cannot explain why I never get asked out. I asked a caucasian colleague of mine and she said that American men are just shy and that they don't chase women the way I was used to in Ghana. She advised me to make eye contact with men I like and to smile encouragingly.

I tried that but failed woefully. I am just not used to making the first moves with a man also, the men I liked were not attracted to me.

I decided to stop but now want to move to an area where men are bolder. Does such a place exist in the U.S.?

I am professional, 26 with a grad degree
Houston. If your as sexy as you say you are; just a stroll through the mall will get you all types of dudes trying to holla. Really any major city would fit.
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Old 11-13-2009, 11:55 PM
 
Location: Both coasts
1,582 posts, read 4,289,866 times
Reputation: 1447
the cities of the US South
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Old 11-14-2009, 01:25 AM
 
5,772 posts, read 13,729,036 times
Reputation: 4583
I'm curious about how long you've been in the U.S. Here, it's not exactly that men don't pursue women, just that there are certain customs about how it's done, which, judging by your description of the customs in Ghana, may often be more subtle. To some degree it's frowned upon here for men to be too aggressive in their pursuit of women, for various reasons. It may be that you need some more time to get more of a feel for American customs.

That said, I do hear that in the West, it's more acceptable for women to make the first move than it is in the Northeast and Midwest. I'm not sure how the South is in this regard. Possibly the West would provide a generally more casual dating atmosphere, where even if you are uncomfortable aggressively making the first move you could find a lot more casual interaction without the structured dating rules back east, where maybe you would be free to show attraction in a way you'd feel comfortable with, casual and friendly rather than aggressive, which a guy could then pick up on so he could make a move.

Best of luck to you with this. I'm sure that learning a new culture isn't easy, but I think you'll get there.
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Old 11-14-2009, 02:23 AM
 
331 posts, read 597,711 times
Reputation: 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peacelilies View Post
This is not a joke, I am serious about this question. I have lived in both Maryland (college) and the Midwest (job) and found that in those areas, men of all races do not actively pursue black women.

I don't know whether it is cultural, fear of sexual harassment accusations or just plain zero attraction to black women but in those places I got (and still get) no play.

A little about me, I grew up in Ghana, a country where men actively pursue women. They make catcalls, walk up to you and boldly ask you out for a date.

Since I moved to the U.S., I have not had that experience. I know I am not ugly but for the life of me, cannot explain why I never get asked out. I asked a caucasian colleague of mine and she said that American men are just shy and that they don't chase women the way I was used to in Ghana. She advised me to make eye contact with men I like and to smile encouragingly.

I tried that but failed woefully. I am just not used to making the first moves with a man also, the men I liked were not attracted to me.

I decided to stop but now want to move to an area where men are bolder. Does such a place exist in the U.S.?

I am professional, 26 with a grad degree
Atlanta sister, ATL.
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Old 11-14-2009, 07:11 AM
 
2,248 posts, read 6,207,553 times
Reputation: 2078
Here's a thought: how about you do it your damn self?

Tired of getting rejected, you say? Welcome to my world; that is, that of a man. This is the United States, it's 2009 and times have changed. We do things a little bit different here and that means YOU need to actively pursue what you want, because good things don't come to those who want it handed to them. Trust me, it's pretty much the same everywhere you go and it only gets harder as time goes by.

Best of luck to you.
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