When You Want to Move and Your Significant Other Doesn't... (real estate, apartments)
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Anyone else in this predicament? We have been married for almost 22 years and have always lived in one of the Great Lakes states within an hour of both of our parents, with the exception of living in the Phoenix area for part of last year. I am now in my mid-forties and, to put it bluntly, I cannot tolerate the cold, damp weather anymore. For example, as I type this, it is 54 degrees here and feels even colder because it is rainy and windy. This just should not be when May is almost 2/3 over!
Anyway, ever since we visited South Carolina on our honeymoon and then four more times since then, I have known that it is where I belong. I love everything about it, not just the weather. I love the history, the people, the churches, the architecture...everything! People complain of the steamy summer heat, I say bring it on! I hated Phoenix, and so did Hubby. That's just not our kind of heat and sunshine. His job sent us there very briefly, so glad it didn't last, but I wish we would have bounced over to the Southeast instead of back to where we came from.
I am an RN and hubby is a truck driver. We could both find a job in SC with relative ease, based on what I have seen on online job sites and data bases. He also likes SC, but he is more prone to NC and TN, both of which could easily serve as a second best option for me. However, when push comes to shove, all he talks about is moving "someday". He talks about moving when he retires, about having a second home there "someday"...but I am talking about "today"!!! Life is short and none of us knows if we will be here tomorrow, so go where you want to be, right? Except...I can't, because I love my husband and wouldn't even consider divorce just so that I can live where I want and need to be.
Are any of you in this predicament? If so, how do you handle it? How do you decide who "wins" and gets to live where they want to be? Any suggestions on how to settle it so that we are both happy? It gets harder with each passing year and with each cold, soggy day here.
Well at least your husband is willing to go where you want to go. It may not be right away, but I'd just be patient. It's almost summer so just stick it out and enjoy what the great lakes have to offer in the summer season.
You can probably find ways to persuade him to make the move sooner than he's imagining. Poke around the South Carolina threads and find some worthwhile communities and then look for the pros and cons living in the state.
Maybe you can start pinpointing a moving date with your husband. Try to reason and be fair with him and hopefully he'll do the same for you.
If you havn't already, see how much your home can sell for (if you own a home) and add that to your savings and see what kind of real estate options you have in SC- maybe once he see's what you guys can get, he may be more willing.
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I'm in a similar situation. My girl wants to go south (Maryland/Delaware/Virginia) and I want to go north (Upstate New York/Rhode Island) and right now we're in between (New Jersey). We have a year until our move, and wherever we end up doesn't change anything between us, but it's hard to persuade each other.
He talks about moving when he retires, about having a second home there "someday"...but I am talking about "today"!!! Life is short and none of us knows if we will be here tomorrow, so go where you want to be, right? Except...I can't, because I love my husband and wouldn't even consider divorce just so that I can live where I want and need to be.
Since he's not willing to budge at the moment, and you're not willing to sign the "D" papers...
Option 3: You move to SC and rent a small apartment or home. Get a job locally. He stays up North. Spend your summers up North with him in your home. He spends Winters in SC with you in your place. You'll be together half the year or more at least. May or may not work out on the job front, but technically you'll stay married and flip/flop between places. He gets what he wants, and you get what you want, with the compromise being that there will be periods where the two of you won't be living in the same house all the time.
I know what you're facing. I'm retiring later this year and we both love the West. I'd move there tomorrow if I could but she doesn't want to go so far from family. I can understand that to an extent, but I think it's time we though about our selves now. Life is short and I want to move where I'll be happy. We cannot agree to this at all. I hate NY where we live and I guess I'll have to compromise a lot and move to VA or PA. where it's at least less crowded, cost of living is less, etc. It sure isn't Wyoming, Utah, Western Nebraska or Arizona by far but I'll have to settle I guess.
I know this is a serious issue for you. My desire to move actually ended a relationship for me when the ex initially said he was up to moving and then changed his tune. I moved without him. Granted, we were not married but had been together 2 years.
I'm curious to know how much you've actually talked to your hubby about this. It sounds like it is a touchy subject and I'm wondering if when he says "someday" if you just leave it at that or truly let him know how you feel. I'd say a sit-down talk is in order and I'd recommend setting a timeframe for the move. I think a compromise to winter in SC would be nice, albeit it probably wouldn't work until after retirement.
It is a very touchy subject and it upsets him if I go on about it very much. He feels that as long as he is willing to move "someday" then that should be enough for me and that I need to stop bringing it up, so I don't discuss it a whole lot. We returned from our most recent trip to SC about a week and a half ago and he agreed that there are some things about it that he really likes. In particular, he loves the Charleston area, as do I. But, he has an elderly widowed father here and he's also someone who is pretty resistent to change, as in, it seems like he'd rather settle for being cold seven months out of the year and driving in snow and ice, even though he complains about both, especially the driving part since he drives for a living. His dad complains about the cold here too, and I really think that he would move along with us if and when we ever did, as long as we don't wait a whole lot longer, since he is already 77 years old.
We have two kids, a son, 18, and a daughter, 16. Our son also loves SC and would be happy to move there, at least until he finishes college at which time he will have to go wherever he can find a job since he is going into broadcast journalism. Our daughter doesn't like the Southeast at all and wants to move out west for college and thereafter. I don't want to lose her, but I have been out west and I know that I could never live there again, nor would my husband.
I appreciate all of your suggestions, but unfortunately, it seems like the only compromise seems to be living in both places at different times, and as long as we have to work, we can't divide our time between two places, nor could we afford to right now. It does help to know that I am not alone in this, though. My husband can retire in about five years, so maybe then he will get serious about "someday". Until then, I will keep on hoping and praying that something changes.
Guess you just have to decide what's more important: your husband's wish to stay near his elderly father, or yours to get away from a few months' worth of cold weather. And do you want to yank your daughter out of school when she's so close to graduation?
Staying put seems like a no-brainer to me. I'd love to move back to Ohio, and would do so tomorrow, but the spouse wants to be close to his family. So we stay. That's good enough for me.
Guess you just have to decide what's more important: your husband's wish to stay near his elderly father, or yours to get away from a few months' worth of cold weather. And do you want to yank your daughter out of school when she's so close to graduation?
Staying put seems like a no-brainer to me. I'd love to move back to Ohio, and would do so tomorrow, but the spouse wants to be close to his family. So we stay. That's good enough for me.
Well, there's a lot more to the situation than that. It happens that we also own rental property here that my husband will not sell and that his father feels the need to do most of the work at, even though he is not able and it is really hard on him. We have begged him not to work at our apartments, he does it behind our backs when we are at work or elsewhere and gets angry when we try to get him to quit, even though he has actually fallen while doing the work and is just NOT able to do it anymore. I want it stopped before something really serious happens to him. It has become a big control issue for him that is creating a real problem for us. Hubby feels that his dad likes to do the work, even though he is no longer able, and therefore should be allowed to do it. Moving would solve that problem, because no apartments = no work to do. Also, our daughter is homeschooled and not attached to any school here. She has friends and activities, but in general, she hates living here (I mentioned that she wants to go out west), so it wouldn't upset her at all if we were to leave, even though she would prefer to go west. Oh, and she Hubby have severe allergies and sinus problems that are terrible year round in this climate but clear up a lot even when we go south for a week.
So you see, it isn't just about my desire to get away from "a few months' worth of cold weather", although I don't call seven months out of twelve "a few". It's about the fact that a move would more than likely benefit all of us. As I mentioned, my father-in-law would likely join us, and he would probaby feel better somewhere where he doesn't have to shovel snow or think that he has to do apartment maintenance for us, and the rest of his extended family are in Florida anyway, which means a 24 drive from here for him to visit them, since he refuses to fly. Of course, you had no way of knowing any of that.
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