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[quote=cottonwood2420;1000149][quote=mom2gurls;928691]I think your feeling hurt that the grandparents are not being "media" grandparents...and you know what..that is totally understandable. BUT grannie and gramps have changed! No longer are they bound by milk and cookies..in fact they have become rather vogue and independant. They help out if they want, when they want..they dont have the built in babysitter attitudes anymore
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I think it has changed the same way with Children taking care of their Aging Parents. Several years ago they would just move in with there parents or have the parents move in with them but now they stick them into a nursing home. That is becoming more common everyday now. There are not many more reasons for this now then there were back then. People still have Kids and Jobs now. People had the same things then and that didn't stop them.
Yes- just as our thoughts about what grandparenting should be has changed greatly, so has the actual role of the grandparent. Most families are more spread out geographically than they were a few generations back, and I think tends to impact the role of the grandparent. Other grandparents have just recently gained an empty nest (due to those darn adult kids that move back home?) and are looking for a bit more freedom than grandparents of yesteryear. And overall, they are much healthier, too, so likely are not as homebound and available- seniors are out doing all kinds of stuff these days!
I have to agree, that is strange and more then just a little sad for your daughter. Children should have grandparents to spoil them, dote on them and so forth.
I have to agree, that is strange and more then just a little sad for your daughter. Children should have grandparents to spoil them, dote on them and so forth.
Thanks..... That's what I always thought and I think THEY actually built up that expectation through all thier excitement when she was born. Not sure when it became so 'ho-hum' having a granddaughter around...
I have a theory that they're waiting for her to get to an age where they can go shopping with her and do all the fun stuff with none of the "child-rearing" work. Like when she's 6 or 7.
We'll see I guess..... We're planning on having another anyway. Screw 'em if they can't take a joke....
My Mom and Dad were in their late 70s when I had my daughter and they would have spent even more time with her. I had concerns because of their age, my Father had a pre-existing heart problem, diabetes, they both got tired easily...so I didn't rely on them alot but they always had a high time playing with her, taking care of her.
Unfortunatly my Dad died when my daughter was only 2 years old...My daughter used to sit on his lap, steal his wallet, his pin, he glasses and generally mess up his side table by his chair and he would sit there and let her do it. He would scratch her back for her and that would make her be still. She also used to con him into holding her bottle for her WAY past the time she was able to hold it for herself.
A couple years ago my daughter went and spent 2 weeks with my Mother in Texas. They had a good time. My Mom took her around to see all her friends so she could show her off. Diane was old enough to actually fetch and carry for my Mom who is now 84.
My mom and I got into a huge fight over the fact she never instigated anything to do with my son. When she and her husband would come over, they would greet my son or she would do things with my son and myself, but never just with him. I finally called her on it and she replied that he was always welcome to come over, but she never thought she had to invite him. She grew up with a Mom and Dad who lived next door and when my sister was born she was given an open door policy. Mom could drop her off anytime and they would watch her. She thought we had the same relationship and you can bet we did after that. My son grew close to her after that too! Sometimes because another generation grew up a certain way they think we should know about it even if it was never previously discussed. It will all work out in the end and if not with them what about people through your community or church? Its necessary for your child to have other adults to model after too, at least I think it is. Good luck and I pray things will get better for you in this situation.
By the way, my brother-in-law and his wife had a similar problem when their first child was born, but after calling his parents on it they came to a great reconciliation and now they watch all 3 of the grandkids 1 day every other week. The relationship between the grandkids and grandparents is awesome! Again, there was a big misunderstanding.
I wonder if the grandparents realize what they are missing. I guess everyone doesn't feel the same but I know that I call up my kids and suggest they go away for the weekend and leave the kids with me. I take them to the movies on weekends, go to their games, visit their schools, and spend time sitting by the pond just talking and listening to them. My kids joke that they are now just my grandchildren's parents in my eyes. My grandchildren have made my life so much richer and I thank God for every moment we've shared.
I can totally relate to your distress over a lack of grandparental involvement. My husbands parents lived 45 minutes away from us when we had our first daughter, who was their first grandchild. They would go months without making any attempt to see her. We are talking about 2 people who do not work, and were barely 60 years old at the time. When I had her, I had a c section and very difficult delivery. My parents, who worked at the time and lived several states away, came and stayed for a week to help, but then had to get back to work. My inlaws who lived close by, never once even offered to help in any way: no offer to pick up anything from the store, no bringing by food, no watching the baby for a bit-- nothing. The only time they expressed any interest in her was when they had company and wanted to act like they were auditioning for grandparents of the year in front of their friends. We asked if they would babysit one day a week while I was working, and they said that it was too much. It was very hurtful to my husband and I both, because they obviously did not care at all about our daughter. And all of our friends had all sorts of extended family who were totally involved and helpful in their lives. We longed for my inlaws to care, and frankly for their help. But no matter what we said, they were not going to change. So, we finally made it clear that his was a two way street: we stopped visiting them with the baby, we stopped going to get togethers at their house, we stopped inviting them to our house, etc. We had our involvement with them mirror their involvement with our daughter. When they invited us to things, we used the same excuses they used on us: the 45 minute drive was too far for us, we were tired, sick, etc. I think they finally got the message. But the final straw was when my husband was offered a job 1000 miles away, and took it without any thought given to his parents. I think they were stunned that we actually moved. And the truth is, had they been involved and helpful, and showed any sense of caring toward our daughter,perhaps we would not have moved away. Now that we live so far away from them, thankfully we do not have to deal with these issues, which is better for all of us.
i forgot to say that, ultimately the uninvolved grandparents hurt themselves by not participating in their grandkids lives. They are missing out on one of lifes greatest joys: grandchildren.
I'm kind of surprised by some of the comments here. Though I understand that some of you thought your children's grandparents would be more involved (and some of you are grandparents that ARE involved), I can't understand the theory that the grandparents OWE it to you/theparents to be very involved in the child-rearing, and anything less is a slap in the face.
Why is it SO hard to judge the grandparents NOT by YOUR values/expectations, but by their own? Just because a grandparent does not look forward to being around during the dangerous age (birth-5, IMO), or doesn't want to be the back-up babysitter, that does not make them evil or spiteful, though it seems many people take it exactly that way. People change. My mother is not the same woman who gave birth to me and raised my siblings and I- she is 30+ years older, physically and mentally, and does not have the energy or interest in raising kids like when she had a brood of her own. I do not expect her to want to be an auxilary parent- she did her job as a parent by raising us, and now she should be able to choose how involved (or not) she wants to be in the lives of her children's children. If she CHOOSES to be involved- wonderful! I know that my child/ren will learn a great deal from her. However, if she were to choose to not be as involved (as it sounds that some of your parents/parents-in-law are doing), I should have enough respect for her to know that she is doing what she feels comfortable doing- what is right for her at this stage in her life, and not expect her to change that just because I think she should.
You can be dissapointed that your visions of what should happen (how involved the grandparents should be) did not come to reality, but don't YOU have to take some responsibilty for having an unfair vision to begin with? Aren't you holding them responsible for fulfilling your dreams, and blaming them when it doesn't happen? I can desire for my child to have a close relationship with their grandparent, but should I actually blame the grandparent for not having that same desire, or take personal offense when they don't?
As far as they-don't-know-what-they-are-missing... Maybe they do, and are choosing not to go through it again. Raising kids is not a walk in the park, and I can understand why some older folks would NOT choose to go through it all over again. Perhaps they just have different values and being close to their grandchildren is just not at the top of the list. In any case, if they are grandparents, I am going to assume that they are old enough to have weighed out what is best for them, and made their choices accordingly. From then on, it's just a matter of me respecting or disrespecting their decision. Making them feel guilty about it, or forcing no contact at all, seems petty and disrespectful to me.
I get it if there is physical or mental frailty involved, that makes sense. My parents didn't babysit for that reason, they spent alot of time with her but I could count on one hand the times they were alone with her.
I guess I judge this by the example of my own grandMother, I am adopted, my Mother was 45 when they adopted me...her Mother was closer to me then she was. If I had to make a choice, I would have chosen to be with my Nani over my own Mother.
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