A plea to grandparents.... (kids, old, grandkids, month)

[lastra]

My in-laws always make us feel guilty whenever I mention us moving somewhere one day ( they live 3 hours away from us, and come and visit us every other week ). They say "Oh, if you take her ( our daughter ) away from us, it's just like killing us". Really? I think that's a bit overboard. Or, since they want to move somewhere else, they keep telling us how we should think of moving in that same area as well. I just wish they would move wherever they want to, and leave us to make a decision where we want to go, if anywhere.

[CArizona]

In larger families there are some kids who want to stick around and other kids who want to "flee the nest." When there are only one or two children it's different..I was an only child and it was hard to move away from my parents. But in the end I felt that it was the only way to have a little independence and raise my kids "my way." I'm the one who put lots of miles on my car driving back up to see them. They rarely came to visit me. I didn't want to deprive them of seeing their grandkids and "only child."

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by lastra

My in-laws always make us feel guilty whenever I mention us moving somewhere one day ( they live 3 hours away from us, and come and visit us every other week ). They say "Oh, if you take her ( our daughter ) away from us, it's just like killing us". Really? I think that's a bit overboard. Or, since they want to move somewhere else, they keep telling us how we should think of moving in that same area as well. I just wish they would move wherever they want to, and leave us to make a decision where we want to go, if anywhere.

my mom also said she felt "like someone died" when she thought about the kids moving away.

[Dollydo]

Good grief, you are one special spouse, your MIL & FIL visit every other weekend....and, you are ok with it. You get 100 Atta Boys from me!

[tarragon]

Originally Posted by suedonym

i wish my kids had grandparents for me to complain about.

be grateful your parents show an interest in your children.

some of us do not have that.

Amen!

[PeachyMJ]

You know, some people have to move because of jobs, etc. I have one gs who lives 12 hours from me. The other one 30 minutes away. I see the closest one the most, simply because of location. So, no one should be made to feel guilty (whether or be the parents or the grandparents) who have to move or want to move for whatever reason.

[silverwing]

Originally Posted by suedonym

i wish my kids had grandparents for me to complain about.

be grateful your parents show an interest in your children.

some of us do not have that.

Better bad grandparents than none at all? Good lord

My paternal grandmother was indifferent to my siblings and I. I suppose it was from sheer volume; she had 11 kids so those grandkids who lived nearest to her got the most attention. My maternal grandparents were dysfunction defined. When our parents would take us to visit, we kids would stick around for a mandated hour of examination and criticism, then make ourselves scarce. We knew that after a few hours, it would be nothing but arguments between our parents and grandparents. The grandparents would be outlining the manifest faults our parents showed in raising us; our parents would be in defense mode with mom screaming at her own mother about what a lousy parent she had been.

Typically (this was an older neighborhood) we kids would take ourselves off down the street to visit "Aunt Mae" and "Uncle David", an elderly brother and sister who shared a house and welcomed kids. We weren't related to them in any way, but they took a lot of pleasure in having us around.

At the end of the day, our parents would collect us, make us give Grandpa and Grandma hugs and kisses and repeat by rote "we had a good time and look forward to seeing you again", then bundle us in the car for a miserable ride home. Dad would be fuming, Mom in tears, both vowing "that's the last visit we'll be making!" Until Grandma called months later to guilt them into bringing us back. After all, they were our "grandparents" and we should have a relationship with them. What we actually looked forward to was a visit with Aunt Mae and Uncle David.

If you want your kids to have grandparent figures in their lives, it can be done. Check out some of the Foster Grandparent organizations. Just because you don't have blood relatives who take an interest or are dysfunctional doesn't mean that your children have to be deprived of the benefits of having older people in their lives.

[Lauriedeee]

Originally Posted by ekt

pshhhh... i want to move away from my kids they dont want to move away from me....lol

I hear ya on that!

[anifani821]

Folks have to do what is best for them and their immediate family (when kids under 18 are involved).

No one can make any of us feel guilty unless we buy into it. Folks can try to put us on the defensive, but again - we don't have to buy into it.

If the best thing for the grandparents is to move to another location - the kids should be supportive. Likewise, if the adult children need to move elsewhere - then grandparents should support it and not offer opinions unless asked - and even then - keep emotions out of it.

To be honest, I find it perplexing as to why anyone would let themselves be put in the position of even having a lot of discussion in their families when a move is necessary. Once grandparents have made a decision in their best interests or adult children find the opportunity to move elsewhere w/ a better paying job . . . why would anyone think it is their right to interfere?

Using grandchildren as emotional pawns by trying to make adult children feel bad about the grandparents "not getting to see their g/children" is - simply - selfish. Parents are responsible for doing what is best for their families and if that includes a move that creates a lot of miles in between themselves and their parents - then g/parents need to accept that they will have to put more effort into staying in touch w/ their g/children . . . and they should be proud of their adult children for being willing to relocate in order to make a better life for themselves and the g/kids.

[CArizona]

Originally Posted by anifani821

Folks have to do what is best for them and their immediate family (when kids under 18 are involved).

No one can make any of us feel guilty unless we buy into it. Folks can try to put us on the defensive, but again - we don't have to buy into it.

If the best thing for the grandparents is to move to another location - the kids should be supportive. Likewise, if the adult children need to move elsewhere - then grandparents should support it and not offer opinions unless asked - and even then - keep emotions out of it.

To be honest, I find it perplexing as to why anyone would let themselves be put in the position of even having a lot of discussion in their families when a move is necessary. Once grandparents have made a decision in their best interests or adult children find the opportunity to move elsewhere w/ a better paying job . . . why would anyone think it is their right to interfere?

Using grandchildren as emotional pawns by trying to make adult children feel bad about the grandparents "not getting to see their g/children" is - simply - selfish. Parents are responsible for doing what is best for their families and if that includes a move that creates a lot of miles in between themselves and their parents - then g/parents need to accept that they will have to put more effort into staying in touch w/ their g/children . . . and they should be proud of their adult children for being willing to relocate in order to make a better life for themselves and the g/kids.

Great post! I totally agree with you...Some families are really dysfunctional and a lot of "guilt-tripping" goes on when it comes to lots of situations. Sad!