A plea to grandparents.... (kids, old, grandkids, child)

[littleelvis]

This does not apply to all grandparents but it seems an increasing number of them want to guilt their children into staying close by so they can see their grandkids.

You had your chance as a parent to do your part and now its your kids turn to make the choices they want to make. Just because you chose to settle down in some town where it is 30 below zero doesn't mean your kids should want that for their life. (just using it as an example)

Your job is to raise good kids who have the courage and strength to make it on their own. You should be proud to have your kids move away. It is the ultimate success story that they are able to. I know its hard to not see your kids and grandkids as much but it just might make you closer.

Having gone through this myself I ask that you don't make your kids feel guilty about living their lives. Wherever that may end up taking them.

[CArizona]

I had parents who tried to make me feel guilty for wanting to move away...I was their only child and my sons were their only grandkids...It was rough for awhile. I felt sad for my parents and I missed living closer to them...But in the end my Mom and Dad had a chance to grow closer to each other and they developed new interests. When I came to visit they treated me as an adult and friend....Everything blew over and we made peace with each other....Some "kids" want to stay close-close to their parents and others want to move to a new environment. We're all different. Great thread and post. Thanks.

[Kibbiekat]

I got and am still getting a big guilt trip about moving away. It has been 4 years, and I don't think it will ever end.

[CArizona]

It took me awhile to feel "strong enough" and entitled to move away from my parents. I read a book about "emotional blackmail" which helped me. In the end I kept my "cool" and didn't get defensive...They lost their "cool" and became childish and angry but I remained calm and showed empathy for them while continuing on with my move...The tactics they used to try to control and guilt-trip me didn't work anymore at that point in my life...I felt entitled to "carve-out" a life for me and my family. It takes time to build up this type of "strength" and confidence. I let them control me for many years and they were used to getting their "own way" with me eventually. But I had reached the point where I felt entitled to be on my "own." Good luck with everything.

[ekt]

pshhhh... i want to move away from my kids they dont want to move away from me....lol

[Caligula1]

This applies to me as a Grandson.

My Grandparents pretty much raised me, not due to having a bad Mom or anything she was just always at work. I was always the favorite.
A few Bad (negative) things happined during my younger to teenaged years.. Not Bad like one may think, But they babied me.
Babied me to the point of I was never taught as a younger person to fend for myself.
Grandpa was a Carpenter and Painter..yet tools were to dangerous for me to use, paint had fumes.. I just might cut my foot off mowing the lawn.
Hell he cant fix a car he will screw it up.. that type stuff. Thing is.. He taught all of his own kids this stuff.
All of them have feet and none are missing fingers or huffing paint thinner..

As I grew up it made me have this mentality that I simply could not do these type of things.
While he took pride in having the best yard in the neighborhood..I simply did not have the knowledge or the will to do such..
It basicly gave me a Handicap, A fixable one.. But still.
He was in his younger years an abusive alcoholic Bas**tard.. Not once to me though. Not abusive..Verbal yes...

Now on to Grandma.. The most awsome woman I have ever Known, to put up with him it's a old time for richer or poorer thing I guess.
She also sheltered me but also helped me a litte bit deviant as I got older. She taught me how to hide my Booze and Pot better.
I learned from her what An old timer might say "womans work"
Cooking, cleaning..Just things a woman born in the 1920's are "supposed" to do.

I eventually of course moved out got a life of my own, it was a good thing
A few years ago I got laid off and they were there for me..They asked me to move in.
That old comfortable feeling set in, I had money saved and Helped out (dont think me a freeloader)

I got tired of the verbal abuse stuff from him after a little while, I Had the chance to Move out again.
I jumed at the chance, it was working for a Gay woman, Caring for her kids and doing household chores..
As always I called Grandma everyday to see how she was doing and how her life was going..

She started to hit me with stuff like.. You are the only reason I kept going all these years.
I may as well be dead without you here...
The gulit set in.. I tried to be assuring and steadfast, It didnt work for me.. I went back..

So now I feel stuck here, the rest of the family put me here because I was the person They got along with..
They dont say I feel ya man.. they dont come to visit because they pretty much cant stand the man..

I learned to ignore the verbal abuse, I hide in my room or go out. Even that I stopped doing.
She will never ever think of leaving his side..

Grandma's let your kids...GO..

[msdmary]

To Caligula1,
It's your choice to stay or leave this abusive home. If grandma chooses to stay, it is her choice. She's probably been demoralized and demeaned for a long time so I imagine she's terrified to try to make it on her own. Or maybe she is too scared of him and his reaction if she leaves. There are probably other reasons, as well...she's afraid of what others will think or say if she leaves, religious views, pressure from the rest of the family, financial issues, afraid to be alone, etc. From what you've mentioned - 'She started to hit me with stuff like.. You are the only reason I kept going all these years. I may as well be dead without you here...' - I truly believe the woman is severely depressed (who wouldn't be?) and this can also stop her from taking steps to remove herself from a bad situation. My advice: Offer to take her or go with her to a doctor (psychiatrist's know more about the meds) to get help with the depression and encourage her to see a counselor/psychotherapist to help her to regain a sense of power over her life (cognitive therapy). I don't know what her financial situation would be if she left her husband, but maybe you could offer to share an apartment with her for a while (agree on a time period first but probably no less than 6 - 12 mo.'s so she can adjust) and encourage her to get involved in things she would enjoy so she can begin to build a life of her own. You might even have to go with her until she feels comfortable with her new found friends. When she is sufficiently busy with her new life, freedom, and friends, she will not be looking to you to provide all her emotional needs. You can then move on with your life without guilt, but calling her and visiting is still important, as it would be to any loved one. She will probably always need to be reminded that she can be strong, that she can think for herself, and that she deserves to be happy. The whole thing will be a process but you have to start somewhere or things will just remain the same for both of you. If, after offering to help her, she still wants to remain in the same situation, then kindly explain to her and the family that you are no longer willing to help someone who doesn't want to make any effort to change her circumstances for the better and you are no longer willing to sacrifice your own mental health for this or your grandfathers' verbal abuse.

This might sound like a big project but this is what family does to help one another. Once you both begin taking the steps to get rid of the toxic people in your life, it can be looked at as an adventure and a journey forward. It's a whole lot better than the situation you are in now.

Hope this helps you.

[purehuman]

As a grandparent who adores the grandchildren it would be very hard for me to ajust to loosing them from my daily life.I try to help out as much as they need me,yet if they felt it was better for their own well being to move far away, I like to think I would respect their desician. I would certainly NEVER make them feel guilty for doing what's best for them and their family...I did., though DANG, it would be a hard pill to swallow.

[chicagojlo]

My mom did this to me 5 years ago. The last time we spoke ended with her saying that it was clear we didn't want her in our lives so she would stay away and true to her word, she has. I don't understand why the logical response to being upset about your only grandchild (I've since had a second child but she had no response to the photo I sent) moving away is to act like they no longer exist but she would rather never see them again than admit she could have acted wrongly in some way. Good riddance I say, my kids are better off without her anyway.

[GloryB]

Originally Posted by ekt

pshhhh... i want to move away from my kids they dont want to move away from me....lol

HAHA....same here. I would borrow the money for them to relocate!
Guess that is easy to say when they live close to home....or hey....right down the hall.
I do enjoy my grandson though.