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Hi. I am new to this forum, but seems interesting. I have just finally become a grandmother and it is both the happiest and saddest time of my life! My oldest son (39) and his wife (31) just had our first grandchild. He is the most beautiful baby ever! But they live in London and we are in Tennessee. I went over when he was born for a few days in October. Then Grandpa and I both went back from Thanksgiving until New Years at their invitation. It was so hard to leave him. That's the sad part. Now it's been over 3 months and no idea when we will see him again. I work and only get 3 weeks vacation/sick pay per year. I used all of this year's up on the last trip. Plus, DH is disabled and unable to work, so it's hard to afford to fly to Europe very often. They were supposed to come here the end of this month, but now that trip is off. The baby had croup and although he is fine now, Mommy says he shouldn't be on an airplane with all the germs!
This is really starting to hurt a lot. Her parents, sisters and brother all live within 15 minutes walking distance to them and they see each other constantly. So yes, I know I do have some (well, a lot) of jealousy issues. Plus, she is making some really bad parentlng decisions. The baby is now 6 months old and still sleeping in their bed. Plus, she will not leave him with anyone for even five minutes. And I am talking ANYONE - not his Daddy (my son) or even her mother. Says he gets "agitated" if she is not with him. She is going back to work when he is a year old and I am so afraid of how it is going to affect him after her being so over protective. I have tried talking to my son about it, but they "read all the books and know what to do". This is just the tip of the iceberg of what she is like with him. I don't want to put all the blame on her. She couldn't do it without some help from my son. I just don't know how to cope with not getting to see him except for a few times on Skype and to get through to them on how they are really hurting him with all the over protecting.
Any suggestions on how you handle long distance grandbabies or over protective parents?
I realize that you really miss your grandson and want nothing more than to have a close relationship with him. It has to be very difficult to know that the other grandparents get to see him so frequently but as they say, " it is what it is". Please try to remember that you son and his wife are new parents and rightly so they are being protective. He is their child and the most precious thing in the world to them. Your DIL is trying to bond with her son and with time she will likely feel more comfortable with letting others spend time with him. It just takes time. As far as the co-sleeping, many,many people do it around the world(including the USA), for many, many years and everyone turns out just fine. In fact, if you research the topic on sites like babycommunity and the magazine "Mothering" (just examples) you will find lots of articles and research on the issue and see that it is not as odd as you think. Just because you didn't do something with your children, doesn't mean it is "bad" it is just different than what you did. Being a parent is a stressful and anxiety producing endeavor so please try to be understanding of what your son and his wife are going through. While you may not get to see your grandchild as much as you like, trying to butt in and talk to your soon from 3000 miles away about what you think he is doing wrong will not make things better. In fact, your son and DIL may resent it and not make it easy for you to keep in touch since they won't want to hear about how they need to do this or that. As the child grows older, you can share phone calls, skype, letters and pictures and videos and visit when you can. Hang in there and let your son have his turn at being the parent without judgment. Remember, above all , they make their choices for their child out of love.
I don't feel like I am butting in. I said a couple of things as suggestions to DS but nothing to DIL. I haven't said anything else. I try to always be positive when we talk. It just really bohers me that his own Daddy can't have time with him. I guess I remember how DH used to take this son everywhere he went from the time he was born and what a good relationship they had. I want my son to have that with his son.
Missing your grandson because he is far away is one thing. Feeling like your son and DIL are unable to parent without you there to butt in is another. Although I was not one to sleep with the baby in the bed, and I wasn't afraid to leave him for a little while, these "really bad parenting decisions" as you call them are done by a lot of people and are not that big a deal.
ETA if, when you do visit, you give "advice" and make them feel like you don't approve of their parenting, they won't invite you back. If you want to be a part of their lives, keep your mouth shut unless it really is something important.
ETA if, when you do visit, you give "advice" and make them feel like you don't approve of their parenting, they won't invite you back. If you want to be a part of their lives, keep your mouth shut unless it really is something important.
Agree 100% here!
GrannyB - I bristled just reading that last part of your OP! Honestly you shouldn't say anything - even to your son! And don't think that just because you said it to him, that it wasn't passed on to her. Trust me on that! My advice is - STOP trying to "get through to them" regarding any of their parenting. At the end of the day, it's none of your business. Your only job is to be Granny - that's IT.
Just think quality over quantity. We live many states away from my parents. But when my son was little and we would go visit - we had a wonderful, wonderful time.
GrannyB - I bristled just reading that last part of your OP! Honestly you shouldn't say anything - even to your son! And don't think that just because you said it to him, that it wasn't passed on to her. Trust me on that! My advice is - STOP trying to "get through to them" regarding any of their parenting. At the end of the day, it's none of your business. Your only job is to be Granny - that's IT.
Just think quality over quantity. We live many states away from my parents. But when my son was little and we would go visit - we had a wonderful, wonderful time.
We moved 1000 miles away from the grand parents and the kids are building some great memories with their grandparents of their visits back and forth.
GrannyB...although you may mean well....you're being veeery judgemental about how your grandchild is being raised..it's not your position to feel slighted that your daughter in law keeps the baby so close, and you definately should keep your opinions about the sleeping arangements to yourself.Nothing you have mentioned about your son and DIL suggest poor parenting skills to me(at all).....you just sound rather bitter because you live so far away....be happy for your son, and proud!
The parenting issue has been addressed, so I am just going to talk about the missing him. Which I can totally understand! I live in Arkansas and my mother lives in Switzerland, and my three kids are her only grandkids; due to finances and committments, she can only visit once a year for 3 weeks or so. It is hard, for me as well as for her.
Do you and they have Facebook? One thing I do is post lots of photos of the kids and status updates. Some people even have Facebook accounts for their babies, so people not interested in tons of baby pics and info on the colour of poop don't need to read it. You could also ask them to record little videos of the child, especially when milestones happen, and upload them on YouTube for you to watch.
I know what you mean about missing a grandchild. My first was born about the same time and I've only seen him the week he was born. The kids do post videos on facebook and suppose I will learn to skype shortly. They were going to come to Fl so I could see him every three months between my trips there and theirs here but they never made it. This is also a situation where she is near her parents and relatives. I raised my kids near my parents so I understand this imperative. His family would spend summers with us which we all enjoyed.
My DIL is also doing things very differently than I did. I was a dedicated nurser for two years, never bought baby food at the store preferred to make my own, and co-slept for ease of nursing. My DIL nursed for a week I think and doesn't cook or clean much so jars are it. The dog is held in nearly as much esteem as the baby which is high on both accounts. I learned not to say a thing to her about anything after she was upset with me for buying commercial cleaning aids for her ease to save them big dollars in maid services. That's just the way it is when it's not your daughter. Thankfully she has advanced education in child development so I'm not worried and my son will impart what I have taught him over the years as my input. I'd rather have them nearby but don't suspect that would change much other than getting to play with the kiddo more.
Just my two cents here - a lot of what some of the grandmothers here are posting may be the REASON the kids and grandkids live so far away. Wow - extremely judgemental. No wonder the kids are cancelling trips to see you - makes perfect sense to me. Who wants to travel just to hear how they're doing it all wrong?
My son was 8 months old when I lost my temper and told my grandmother that the boy was 8 months old, his father was gone a lot (Navy) and so the simple fact that he was still alive meant that I must be doing SOMETHING right! There was a reason that she only saw him 4 times in his life (3 of those because grandpa was sick and dying), before she passed last year - it was bad enough to have to listen to it on the phone.
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We moved 1000 miles away from the grand parents and the kids are building some great memories with their grandparents of their visits back and forth.
