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Old 11-29-2011, 04:48 PM
 
10 posts, read 13,205 times
Reputation: 13

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i have to come up with a way for my mother & us to be happy.
right now, she stays with my me, my husband & son for extended periods of time. from one month to 5 months at a time.
we live a few miles from a bus she takes to an area she enjoys visiting often where she used to live (we live in the burbs).
the only problem is, she relies on us to drive her back & forth from this bus stop. it's often, and at anytime. sometimes she tries to time it to the time we are driving home from work, but she doesn't plan it. she just calls us up close to or when we are driving to hitch a ride, which isn't a problem when we haven't made other plans for right after work.

we have a toddler, so it's not easy get into & out of the car multiple times in a short periods of time too. i have to plan my outings carefully because our son isn't crazy about sitting in the car.

and it's stressful to jump at a moments notice to go pick her up, especially in the evening's when we are all just getting together to relax at home, or when we make plans to do something away from home.

we don't have any family or friends in the immediate area to help us out with car rides either.

we've tried to give her an allowance to help with car service, but she ends up spending it on other things sometimes, leaving her with no money. not to mention that it gets quite costly.

i don't want to seem ungrateful to her, or selfish with my family's time, but i want her to understand that if she wants to stay with us, the least she can do is be considerate of our time.

maybe if we made a schedule for her, posted it in the kitchen stating the times we leave and the times we come back, and maybe she can fill in a calendar or something as to when she would like rides. does that sound too control freakish of me? i am a planner, and the way things are running right now is ruining our relationship, and my peace at home.

any suggestions are welcomed.

tia!
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Old 11-29-2011, 04:56 PM
 
2,799 posts, read 5,794,815 times
Reputation: 2954
You are totally within your rights to expect some consideration regarding pick up and delivery service. I would suggest a conversation with all of you with some limits and a calendar is a great place to start. Discuss what everyone considers a good compromise and write it down. If she cannot meet the times shown, she can pay whoever she needs to to get to and from or catch a ride with someone else or stay home.

It really is no different than kids. You would expect some consideration and respect for your time and energy. This is good practice for when yours are teenagers and not yet driving.

Discuss. Ensure clear understanding on everyone's part and consequences. Follow thru. Revisit every so often for any necessary changes. Write it down. Post if necessary.
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Old 11-29-2011, 05:20 PM
 
10 posts, read 13,205 times
Reputation: 13
thanks for your thoughtful response, sweetana. i haven't looked at it that way before, but it makes a lot of sense.

now to set up parameters. i guess i would use similar ones that i would use for my kid.
thanks again!
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Old 11-29-2011, 05:28 PM
 
Location: Planet Eaarth
8,958 posts, read 8,323,027 times
Reputation: 7193
Quote:
Originally Posted by felicity3636 View Post
i have to come up with a way for my mother & us to be happy.
right now, she stays with my me, my husband & son for extended periods of time. from one month to 5 months at a time.
we live a few miles from a bus she takes to an area she enjoys visiting often where she used to live (we live in the burbs).
the only problem is, she relies on us to drive her back & forth from this bus stop. it's often, and at anytime. sometimes she tries to time it to the time we are driving home from work, but she doesn't plan it. she just calls us up close to or when we are driving to hitch a ride, which isn't a problem when we haven't made other plans for right after work.

we have a toddler, so it's not easy get into & out of the car multiple times in a short periods of time too. i have to plan my outings carefully because our son isn't crazy about sitting in the car.

and it's stressful to jump at a moments notice to go pick her up, especially in the evening's when we are all just getting together to relax at home, or when we make plans to do something away from home.

we don't have any family or friends in the immediate area to help us out with car rides either.

we've tried to give her an allowance to help with car service, but she ends up spending it on other things sometimes, leaving her with no money. not to mention that it gets quite costly.

i don't want to seem ungrateful to her, or selfish with my family's time, but i want her to understand that if she wants to stay with us, the least she can do is be considerate of our time.

maybe if we made a schedule for her, posted it in the kitchen stating the times we leave and the times we come back, and maybe she can fill in a calendar or something as to when she would like rides. does that sound too control freakish of me? i am a planner, and the way things are running right now is ruining our relationship, and my peace at home.

any suggestions are welcomed.

tia!
I'm sorry but all I read in your post is that you don't want to be bothered with this old person in your life.

Shame on you.

It is but the blink of an eye until YOU arrive at your old age.

Now consider that your children see how you treat this older person and will believe it is how they are to treat you in your old age and time of need.

What goes around come back around. Is this how you want to be treated when you get old and needy?
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Old 11-29-2011, 05:50 PM
 
10 posts, read 13,205 times
Reputation: 13
no, it's not that i don't want to be bothered, tightwad. it's that i want her to consider our schedules when making plans to go out, that is if she needs us.
no shame in that.
i do like how sweetana compared it to having teen's that want to go places before they can drive. anyone who is dependent on you for rides should be considerate of your schedule.
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Old 11-29-2011, 06:33 PM
 
Location: Yellow Brick Road
35,458 posts, read 43,142,431 times
Reputation: 19772
Quote:
Originally Posted by felicity3636 View Post
no, it's not that i don't want to be bothered, tightwad. it's that i want her to consider our schedules when making plans to go out, that is if she needs us.
no shame in that.
i do like how sweetana compared it to having teen's that want to go places before they can drive. anyone who is dependent on you for rides should be considerate of your schedule.
I think she should be considerate of your schedule, too. Helping her come to that conclusion is a good thing and a good solution for all concerned.

Also, don't be in a such a hurry to go pick her up when she doesn't follow the rules. Sorry, but sometimes the best way to teach folks is to make it clear that unless they follow the rules, it isn't always possible to just drop everything and fulfill other people's needs. These are not emergencies - these are her plans and she should learn to fit them around both the bus schedule and YOUR "taxi" schedule, lol.
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Old 11-29-2011, 08:14 PM
 
Location: Planet Eaarth
8,958 posts, read 8,323,027 times
Reputation: 7193
Quote:
Originally Posted by felicity3636 View Post
no, it's not that i don't want to be bothered, tightwad. it's that i want her to consider our schedules when making plans to go out, that is if she needs us.
no shame in that.
i do like how sweetana compared it to having teen's that want to go places before they can drive. anyone who is dependent on you for rides should be considerate of your schedule.
Older folk's sense of time and what's important is very different than that of a younger active person which is now a proven scientific fact. Time for an older person can be much slower than for you so there always IS time for her needs in her mind.

It's very possible that Grandma has no idea of what your schedule is or can be.

That is why it's up to you to bend to the wind more than she does since she....can't.

If you're bothered with her now get ready to be seriously inconvenienced when something bad happens to her.

Last edited by Grandpa Pipes; 11-29-2011 at 09:13 PM..
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Old 11-30-2011, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,990 posts, read 5,343,375 times
Reputation: 19163
Do you, by any chance, have a "senior companion" program in your area? Perhaps that's something you could look into, to see if they provide rides. I think it's wonderful that you're trying to help your mother out, but yes....she also needs to understand that you DO have busy schedule and a small child that needs to be taken into consideration.

The "schedule" on a calendar is a fabulous idea. If you and your husband are able to put in your work schedule on her calendar, then work with her to nail down times when she wants to go to her favorite location, it may actually help her with the "time" situation. I don't think you are being selfish or controlling at ALL! In fact, I think that you are a wonderful daughter for wanting to make this work.
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Old 11-30-2011, 10:10 AM
 
Location: Yellow Brick Road
35,458 posts, read 43,142,431 times
Reputation: 19772
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Do you, by any chance, have a "senior companion" program in your area? Perhaps that's something you could look into, to see if they provide rides. I think it's wonderful that you're trying to help your mother out, but yes....she also needs to understand that you DO have busy schedule and a small child that needs to be taken into consideration.

The "schedule" on a calendar is a fabulous idea. If you and your husband are able to put in your work schedule on her calendar, then work with her to nail down times when she wants to go to her favorite location, it may actually help her with the "time" situation. I don't think you are being selfish or controlling at ALL! In fact, I think that you are a wonderful daughter for wanting to make this work.
I feel the same way. Seems OP is trying to meet everyone's needs.

Having a schedule at home is no different than the bus schedule, really. If Mom can figure out a bus schedule . . . she can figure out how to plan her day so the "home schedule" meshes w/ the bus schedule . . . That is not expecting too much at all. No different than if Mom had to figure out that last transfer to get back home . . .
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Old 11-30-2011, 10:38 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,990 posts, read 5,343,375 times
Reputation: 19163
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
I feel the same way. Seems OP is trying to meet everyone's needs.

Having a schedule at home is no different than the bus schedule, really. If Mom can figure out a bus schedule . . . she can figure out how to plan her day so the "home schedule" meshes w/ the bus schedule . . . That is not expecting too much at all. No different than if Mom had to figure out that last transfer to get back home . . .
I absolutely agree. Unfortunately, some family members, whether it be children or parents, may not show as much consideration for their loved ones' feelings or prior committments, as they would a friend. They wouldn't expect a casual friend to spontaneously drop everything, and come running to transport them to a bus stop. If the situation was reversed, I would hazard a guess that mom wouldn't appreciate being treated that way, either.

We should be willing to do for our parents, but at the same time, not allow them to inconsiderately enslave us. I think that the OP is a very considerate and helpful daughter. Setting up schedules and boundaries is the best way to avoid suffering burnout and consequently, becoming bitter and resentful.
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