Need advice from grandparents! How do I have this conversation?!

[SweetAsRain]

OP,

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. DON"T do it!

MY husband and I had the best intentions, but everything went to pot within months. We did it for 5 years, and it has caused a major rift in our marriage...still. Even moved out of the state.

If things aren't rosy when she visits, imagine when she's living w you. You can't just snap your fingers and have her disappear.

It also became a situation where, in some instances, my husband would side with her on some issues turning it into two against one. Very bad situation.

If you value your marriage, don't do this!

[SweetAsRain]

Just noticed how old this thread was..oops!!

[anneinny]

Tina, as others have posted, she isn't going to change, but you have some power here as well.

1. She has different values. You can note for her that while you appreciate her values, you have your own values in your home and those are the ones that you want your children to learn, ie, about cleanliness, picking things up, etc. and that WHILE YOU VALUE HERS, yours have to be the ones that are taught.

2. She manipulates you with her sensitivity. Be aware of that. If she can cry or pout or whatever to make you feel bad, she thinks you will give in. That's manipulation, pure and simple. Do not bend to that manipulation. You can say something like, "I see this makes you upset, and I'm sorry for that, it wasn't my intention, but please understand that for this to work we have to all be on the same page" or something of that nature.

3. Use love always. "We love you so much and we want our children to have wonderful times with you and you with them and that's the basis for all of this, right?" might help when you have to convo with her. Each time something comes up that unsettles things (and they will as others point out, once the honeymoon period is over) start your thoughts with love at the baseline. "We love you and want you here. THIS is the way we do things".

4. Remember that everybody does the best they can. Based on your upbringing, hers, your husbands, etc, all of you do the best you can. Be sure to tell your daughter that, so that when grandma upsets her, she can learn from it, not suffer from it. "Grandma has different ideas about things, and she just wants you to grow up healthy and happy but sometimes she doesn't express it very well, does she?" can help your daughter both understand and still love Grandma and it will also help her to become a mature adult who can cope with others' behaviors.

I'm a 59 yr old grandmother, and my oldest daughter and her husband live 1.5 hours away in Brooklyn. I know from experience that sometimes things I do upset my daughter and when that happens, I get "booted off the island" so to speak---in other words, I get shut out and don't get to see the babies (22 month old and 2 month old grandsons). Sometimes I feel like I am walking on egg shells to be honest. But I toe the line because I want time with them, I want to make memories with those babies before I'm 6' under.

Sounds like grandma has alot of issues, probably wasn't parented well herself, is old-fashioned in many ways, and perhaps has issues with feeling abandoned. Why is she moving in? Is she broke? This can also affect how she deals with you and the children. If she's coming from a perspective of fear and loss, she may project herself as controlling in order to keep her fears at bay.

If she's moving in you MUST get these issues out in the open, on the table, and clarified. Lack of clarity will ruin this relationship and show your children a very bad example of how adults deal with conflict. Have a meeting in a restaurant, like a diner or some casual place, or even a library, where you know the other adults (your hubby and grandma) won't start to shout or act out. Have grandma bring a list of concerns or issues she wants to clarify prior to moving in and you do the same and go through them. If that's not easy to do, find a local mediator to help you. If you plan as well as you can and are clear in advance, you have something to go back to when the road gets rocky.

Hope that helps
Anne

[CourageMom]

It's seven months later.. is she moving in??

I am a 59 y/o grandmother, and my 4 y/o grandson lives with us.
I sought out a parenting class to update my ways..

I'm glad I did. Nothing wrong with a modern refresher class.
We have fun and make messes.. we make his bed, he gets allowance..
We do not want to create a "Mr. Monk" with OCD.. mud pies are fine.

Last I heard , Leona Helmsley had passed away..
the white glove test is defunct. ..WINK... just trying to lighten things up.

[Tinawina]

Thanks for upping this thread, I had forgotten I never gave you guys an update!

Shortly after posting this I sat my husband down for a talk. Turns out he had the same concerns! That was a relief to say the least. We both agreed that if she moved to our city at all a separate apartment would be best and we'd have to have a long talk with her to set limits. But still, if the conversation didn't go well we might have to suggest she stay were she is (her entire family lives in the city where she currently resides, so it's not like she'd be alone).

As it turns out she postponed moving in anyway (AGAIN LOL) so for now things are tabled. Thanks everyone for your help!

[CourageMom]

What a relief!

Its interesting in life when thing we are fretting about sometimes have a saving grace.
This is one of those times.

I love it when that happens..

[anneinny]

Yay!

@

[anifani821]

Whew! Thank you so much for the update. I had wondered what had worked out. Best wishes to you and your family!