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I think I may have a question that only other grandparents can answer.
My mother-in-law is wonderful. She lives far away but she visits whenever she can (and we go to her as well). When she comes, she always helps out despite my insistence that she just sit and enjoy her grandkids. In spite of the fact that she's somewhat stricter than me, we are always respectful with each other.
Recently she has decided she wants to come live with us in the coming year. I have no issue with that, as it would be great to have her around. But the thing is, as much as the kids love their grandmother they are also a bit put off by her. She's very sweet but like I said she's pretty strict, plus she has a negative way of talking to them. I think it's generational? She was definitely raised with the "children should be seen and not heard, and they should take after themselves as much as possible". She's also very very neat, and wants the kids to keep everything clean at all times.
I don't really have a problem with the kids being self sufficient. That's how we raise them. I'm not as neat as her though. We don't live in a pig stuy or anything, but when MIL is around she sends them upstairs to clean their room at least twice a day, and if they play with anything she's all over them to put it away as soon as it looks like they might be done with it. That's fine, but it drives the kids a little nuts since I make them clean their room only on the weekends and I make them pick up their toys at the end of the day. I don't mind them cleaning up more often, but I do want them to just get a chance to play and be kids too.
But the bigger problem is the way she talks to them. I'll give an example: When she came to visit for Christmas, my 8 year old daugher wanted to sleep downstairs with Grandma. We said yes and sent her upstairs to get a pillow and blanket. When she came back downstairs, MIL started right in on her. "Why in the world would you get that blanket! It's not warm enough. You should know better! What's wrong with you? Get back upstairs and get something bigger than that!" My daughter was crushed. I had to point out that she's only 8, she didn't "know better", she just got her favorite blanket and came back. MIL said "well, now she knows" and that was that.
I will talk to her because it has to be done before she moves in. My husband has a habit of getting very critical with the kids too, but I've gotten him to clamp it down somewhat and besides, the kids have learned to ignore him. But he and his mom cannot have conversations like that, so I have to be the one that does it. (Oddly enough, she wont hear it from him.)
I don't know how to approach this in a way that will not hurt her, as she is very sensitive. Again, I don't mind that she's stricter and neater, but I do not want the children criticized all the time for their every move. By the end of this latest visit my kindergarten son was being stinky with her because he was tired of it and wanted her to go home. My daughter told me she loves her grandma but she "makes me sad because she's always yelling at me that I should know things I don't know". I tried to get her to tell grandma that herself but she was scared. My daughter is a perfectionist who is hard on herself as it is, the last thing she needs is outside reinforcement. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to start this conversation?
I think I may have a question that only other grandparents can answer.
My mother-in-law is wonderful. She lives far away but she visits whenever she can (and we go to her as well). When she comes, she always helps out despite my insistence that she just sit and enjoy her grandkids. In spite of the fact that she's somewhat stricter than me, we are always respectful with each other.
Recently she has decided she wants to come live with us in the coming year. I have no issue with that, as it would be great to have her around. But the thing is, as much as the kids love their grandmother they are also a bit put off by her. She's very sweet but like I said she's pretty strict, plus she has a negative way of talking to them. I think it's generational? She was definitely raised with the "children should be seen and not heard, and they should take after themselves as much as possible". She's also very very neat, and wants the kids to keep everything clean at all times.
I don't really have a problem with the kids being self sufficient. That's how we raise them. I'm not as neat as her though. We don't live in a pig stuy or anything, but when MIL is around she sends them upstairs to clean their room at least twice a day, and if they play with anything she's all over them to put it away as soon as it looks like they might be done with it. That's fine, but it drives the kids a little nuts since I make them clean their room only on the weekends and I make them pick up their toys at the end of the day. I don't mind them cleaning up more often, but I do want them to just get a chance to play and be kids too.
But the bigger problem is the way she talks to them. I'll give an example: When she came to visit for Christmas, my 8 year old daugher wanted to sleep downstairs with Grandma. We said yes and sent her upstairs to get a pillow and blanket. When she came back downstairs, MIL started right in on her. "Why in the world would you get that blanket! It's not warm enough. You should know better! What's wrong with you? Get back upstairs and get something bigger than that!" My daughter was crushed. I had to point out that she's only 8, she didn't "know better", she just got her favorite blanket and came back. MIL said "well, now she knows" and that was that.
I will talk to her because it has to be done before she moves in. My husband has a habit of getting very critical with the kids too, but I've gotten him to clamp it down somewhat and besides, the kids have learned to ignore him. But he and his mom cannot have conversations like that, so I have to be the one that does it. (Oddly enough, she wont hear it from him.)
I don't know how to approach this in a way that will not hurt her, as she is very sensitive. Again, I don't mind that she's stricter and neater, but I do not want the children criticized all the time for their every move. By the end of this latest visit my kindergarten son was being stinky with her because he was tired of it and wanted her to go home. My daughter told me she loves her grandma but she "makes me sad because she's always yelling at me that I should know things I don't know". I tried to get her to tell grandma that herself but she was scared. My daughter is a perfectionist who is hard on herself as it is, the last thing she needs is outside reinforcement. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to start this conversation?
I am not a grandparent but a parent with a MIL and mother who both want to 'do what is best for their grandchildren'. I put this in quotes because to me even though they mean well, they are not giving me the opportunity to do what is best for my child and the same applies to you.
You need to set boundaries and explain to your MIL it is not her duty to send the kids off to clean their rooms or to criticize them all the time. It is not her duty to discipline, it is not her duty to clean up after them, it is not her duty to criticize your children or your parenting habits in your own home. You are the parent, you are the provider, you are the disciplinary along with your husband. You need (regardless of sensitivity) to establish these boundaries way before you move in and if you have already given her the inch to do so, think of this as a long battle ahead. She has it in her mind that she is head of household and what she says go.
Now how to open the conversation up is actually not up to you to do but your husband's duty. Your husband needs to have a word with his mother and tell him that as a team that you both are the ones who have a say in what the children do and do not do at home and that she needs to tone down her criticisms of the children. I am a strong believer that it is not necessarily your place to tell your MIL these things because it can turn out badly for the relationship between yourselves.
Everytime I have an issue with the inlaws whether it is Mr. X or myself we are the ones who go to our own parents and discuss the issue at hand. Currently my mother is coming for the birth of my second child and already I had to issue her a stern word because she wants Toddler X to do things that she deems are important to his well being. She also believes in spanking which I do not like and she thinks because she is the grandmother it gives her the right to spank for any little wrong doing. Sorry Mom but no thanks! Toddler X is my child and Mr. X will do what is best for him while I am in hospital. Helping out is one thing but taking over my job as a parent and/or wife is a whole another scenerio which will cause major problems.
So OP speak to your husband and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you both need to set boundaries before she moves in and that he needs to stick by you on this. He needs to speak with his mother regarding the issues you have raised and that she needs to respect you in the long run because it is your home and children.
I wish you all the best and good luck because if this is not sorted beforehand living with your MIL will become difficult.
So OP speak to your husband and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you both need to set boundaries before she moves in and that he needs to stick by you on this. He needs to speak with his mother regarding the issues you have raised and that she needs to respect you in the long run because it is your home and children.
I wish you all the best and good luck because if this is not sorted beforehand living with your MIL will become difficult.
Oh I agree with you, it has to be done before she moves in or it will be a mess. Generally she is quite respectful and asks me if things are okay before she does them, but on certain things (like neatness) she goes ahead and orders them around. Since she is usually just visiting, I don't make a big deal of it but I have no intention of changing the rules once she moves in. I also grew up with a critical mom so I am sensitive to the toll that can take on a kid's self esteem. I will not raise my kids in that atmosphere.
DH and MIL have a history of touchy conversations. If he says something to her, she just criticizes him back. Plus, they kind of look at some of these things the same way. That's why it seems like a better idea for me and her to talk, since she is always way more respectful with me than with him. But I don't know. I don't want her thinking I don't want her to move in or that the kids hate her, because they don't. They love her to death. But she does tend to take things hard and think that people hate her when they don't. In a perfect world he would do it, but it just seems like its doomed to fail that way.
I guess I'm just tying to think of an angle to come from where I can minimize the chance of that happening. If it does happen I want to know I did everything I could to reassure her that she is wanted, but I need her to respect some things. As it is whatever she feels strongly about she tells my husband and he tells me, so I suspect that is what will happen when she moves in. LOL. She'll just campaign behind the scenes for what she wants anyway. And I'll ignore the things I disagree with. Sigh.
You need to have the ability for a time out and/or a get out demand. BEFORE she moves in you and your husband need to discuss and then discuss with her what would happen if........
For example, if it totally breaks down, how much time will she have to move out and where will she go. I guarantee there will be a "honeymoon" period where everyone will be on their best behavior and then the real personalities will get tired of it and show up. How will you all deal with it?
It is more about understanding the worst possible outcome and being prepared. Probably wont get this far but you only have to read some of the previous posts to understand how occasionally bad it can get.
I would talk to my husband and suggest that it would be best for grandma to find her own place, albeit close to your home. It's hard enough when everyone WANTS the situation, but it seems from your post that your children do not. That won't improve and none of you want to end up feeling trapped.
Someday, my MIL will be moving in with us, but hopefully, the kids will be grown and gone by then, and so will her mind. I don't mean that flippantly really -- she is starting to show the same signs of senility her father had. He was very pleasant, if confused, in his later years and I'm hoping she'll be just like him as they are similar in personality. That being said, she's still my MIL, and we get along but only because there are several hundred miles between us and several months, at best, between visits.
You've already said what needs to be said very well in your post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina
I think I may have a question that only other grandparents can answer.
My mother-in-law is wonderful. She lives far away but she visits whenever she can (and we go to her as well). When she comes, she always helps out despite my insistence that she just sit and enjoy her grandkids. In spite of the fact that she's somewhat stricter than me, we are always respectful with each other.
Recently she has decided she wants to come live with us in the coming year. I have no issue with that, as it would be great to have her around. But the thing is, as much as the kids love their grandmother they are also a bit put off by her. She's very sweet but like I said she's pretty strict, plus she has a negative way of talking to them. I think it's generational? She was definitely raised with the "children should be seen and not heard, and they should take after themselves as much as possible". She's also very very neat, and wants the kids to keep everything clean at all times.
I don't really have a problem with the kids being self sufficient. That's how we raise them. I'm not as neat as her though. We don't live in a pig stuy or anything, but when MIL is around she sends them upstairs to clean their room at least twice a day, and if they play with anything she's all over them to put it away as soon as it looks like they might be done with it. That's fine, but it drives the kids a little nuts since I make them clean their room only on the weekends and I make them pick up their toys at the end of the day. I don't mind them cleaning up more often, but I do want them to just get a chance to play and be kids too.
But the bigger problem is the way she talks to them. I'll give an example: When she came to visit for Christmas, my 8 year old daugher wanted to sleep downstairs with Grandma. We said yes and sent her upstairs to get a pillow and blanket. When she came back downstairs, MIL started right in on her. "Why in the world would you get that blanket! It's not warm enough. You should know better! What's wrong with you? Get back upstairs and get something bigger than that!" My daughter was crushed. I had to point out that she's only 8, she didn't "know better", she just got her favorite blanket and came back. MIL said "well, now she knows" and that was that.
I will talk to her because it has to be done before she moves in. My husband has a habit of getting very critical with the kids too, but I've gotten him to clamp it down somewhat and besides, the kids have learned to ignore him. But he and his mom cannot have conversations like that, so I have to be the one that does it. (Oddly enough, she wont hear it from him.)
I don't know how to approach this in a way that will not hurt her, as she is very sensitive. Again, I don't mind that she's stricter and neater, but I do not want the children criticized all the time for their every move. By the end of this latest visit my kindergarten son was being stinky with her because he was tired of it and wanted her to go home. My daughter told me she loves her grandma but she "makes me sad because she's always yelling at me that I should know things I don't know". I tried to get her to tell grandma that herself but she was scared. My daughter is a perfectionist who is hard on herself as it is, the last thing she needs is outside reinforcement. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to start this conversation?
You seem to have thought out and explained the situation and your concerns very well! This is how you feel and it isn't going to change by re-wording it. Why not simply say to her, "Grandma, we love you and welcome you into our home, but, we have some concerns that you need to be aware of ... and wonder if you similarly have some concerns that we need to be aware of." "Here is an outline of our concerns"
I wouldn't let her move in. Right, wrong, or indifferent, your styles don't mesh. She won't change. I can see her moving in being detrimental to her relationship with the kids and with you. You already know it won't go well.
But the bigger problem is the way she talks to them. I'll give an example: When she came to visit for Christmas, my 8 year old daugher wanted to sleep downstairs with Grandma. We said yes and sent her upstairs to get a pillow and blanket. When she came back downstairs, MIL started right in on her. "Why in the world would you get that blanket! It's not warm enough. You should know better! What's wrong with you? Get back upstairs and get something bigger than that!" My daughter was crushed. I had to point out that she's only 8, she didn't "know better", she just got her favorite blanket and came back. MIL said "well, now she knows" and that was that.
You seem like a very sweet, kind person. If someone talked like this to my children, it would be very upsetting to me. I really don't think I could handle this type of person moving into my house for a year...yikes! You're a better woman than I, for sure.
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You've already said what needs to be said very well in your post.
