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Old 06-16-2012, 10:37 AM
 
28 posts, read 92,114 times
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Long story short, I am a 30 year old woman who is expecting my first child to a 40 year old man that I am not married to (it is his first child as well). I am very excited to be a new mom, and he feels like jumping off a bridge.

He hasn't told a soul that he is expecting a child, and we're already 4 months into the pregnancy. I have a feeling that he would like to keep this a secret until the day he dies, which to me, is so selfish and so unfortunate, he's acting 14, not 40. The first words that came out of his mouth when I told him I was pregnant were "My mom's gonna kill me!" (I looked at him like he had lost his mind, because he is a 40 year old man...I haven't said that since I was a teenager.) Over the next 3 days he tried desperately to convince me to abort, saying he doesn't want a child out of wedlock, and that his parents are going to be sooooo disappointed.

I didn't have a choice whether or not to tell my parents, since with women, it's very clear, but even if I did, it's something I would never keep from them, I think children are such a blessing, and my parents are already grandparents to a child that they absolutely adore. His parents are also grandparents already to his sister's 2 children (who were born out of wedlock, and his sister wasn't killed by his mom, she was supported), whom they love and adore.

My question is, as a grandparent: What would you do if a complete stranger sent you a birth announcement, announcing the birth of your 40 year old son's first child? Would you ignore it? Would you ask your son what the hell is going on? Would you want to meet your grandchild and be apart of your grandchild's life? Would your first thought be that this woman should have kept her legs closed and that your son, the angel, is a victim who might not even be the father and demand a paternity test?

Or should I just let it go, and allow him to tell his parents when he wants, even if that means 5, 10, 15, or 20 years from now, or maybe even never?

My concern is that, as a mother, I feel that the more people that love my child, the better, and I would like to give them the opportunity of knowing their grandchild if they so choose. My parents both love babies, and would hate to have missed out on the first weeks and months of their grandchild's life; so if they are people that would want to be apart of their grandchild's life, I would hate for them to miss these moments they can't get back.

Any insightful responses would be appreciated. Thank you.
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Old 06-16-2012, 10:54 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,860 posts, read 18,875,631 times
Reputation: 25100
First, you don't know if this is the man's first child. Based on his reaction, he may have other children scattered about that his mom doesn't know about.

Second, he doesn't want his parents to know because they will pressure him to marry you and be a father to the child.

He doesn't sound like much of a man to me. If you involve his parents, then you will be stuck dealing with him as long as his parents are alive, and having a big selfish overgrown child for a dad may not be the best thing for your baby.
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Old 06-16-2012, 11:16 AM
 
Location: Aiken, South Carolina, US of A
1,752 posts, read 3,619,409 times
Reputation: 3521
Prettywings,
Your boyfriend doesn't want to be a father. Period.
He begged you to abort the baby, but YOU chose to have the child.
He will always be the child's biological father, you chose him to be.
But you can't make a man be a father if he doesn't want to be.
As far as his parents are concerned, I wouldn't contact them at all.
Eventually, they will hear about the child somehow, they will, and if
they want to be in the child's life, they will show up at the door.
I would. i would come over with gifts in hand.
You have to respect the father's position on this. You can't force
him to love a child he never wanted. He had no choice in the matter.
Life will be very hard as a single mom. Really hard.
Good Luck to you.
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Old 06-16-2012, 11:40 AM
 
28 posts, read 92,114 times
Reputation: 25
Thank you for your comments.
Butterfly4u, I know that this guy doesn't want to be a father and I'm not trying to force him at all. That isn't my intention. I just wanted to know whether or not I should give his paternal grandparents the option of knowing their grandchild exists (as I know I'd want to know, and I know my parents would want to know).
We both live in separate states from our parents, so it's unlikely that news would travel.
But I just wanted an opinion from parents of grown up children on how they would feel about having a grandchild they never knew existed. Thank you again for your comment. I'm open to listening to the advice from all, but I just don't want to be misunderstood in my intentions and thought process.

As for the ominous warning about how my life is going to be at the end, nothing in life is easy, at least in my life. Parenting is hard, period, married or single, but most people wouldn't trade it for the world. Even single parents. I was in the beginning stages of pursuing adoption prior to becoming pregnant, so I would have been a single parent regardless of it had been biological or not.

Last edited by prettywings; 06-16-2012 at 11:51 AM..
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Old 06-16-2012, 12:51 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,242,129 times
Reputation: 22270
I honestly don't know how I would feel about receiving a birth announcement out of the clear blue.

I think a lot would depend on whether or not I had a relationship with mother of the baby.

I read your man's reaction as indicating he has other children out of wedlock, his mother was furious about it (for whatever reason) and he does not want her to find out he has fathered yet another child out of wedlock. Maybe his mom feels it is ridiculous that he has not settled down as spouse and father by his age . . . or maybe she has ended up picking up the tab for child support . . . I find it very very hard to believe he would have reacted this way if he did not have another child somewhere . . .

I would assume my son did not think the child was really HIS if he didn't tell me about the upcoming pregnancy, so I would suspect that I would not follow up on the birth announcement with the baby's mom. I would, instead, be finding out from my son why he is not acknowledging this child.

Where it would go from there, I really cannot imagine. I would feel very awkward about having a relationship with a child that my own son was not involved with. But I don't think it is right to pretend he/she doesn't exist. Again, I think this would probably have a lot to do with how I felt about the child's mother. If she were open to my being a grandmother to the baby, then it would certainly make it all seem more feasible. If I felt she just wanted to "get to me" in order to make the father of the child uncomfortable, that would seem very manipulative, indeed.

I honestly don't think anyone can answer your question without having been in the position. What we THINK we would do and what would actually happen in real life . . . that's just really difficult to project.

You are in a really awkward position, PRETTYWINGS. I hope your man changes his mind and steps up to be a 100% father, and includes his relatives, as well.
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Old 06-17-2012, 06:05 PM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
9,480 posts, read 13,334,142 times
Reputation: 19899
I'd let them know, but I'd wait a while. Give it a year or so. There's not much they will miss during the pregnancy and early infancy, so there is no need to rush this- assuming they are the type that will accept the baby in the first place. And you will have established that you are committed to raising the child on your own, and not expecting anything from them other than an opportunity to establish a relationship with the child if they so desire.
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Old 06-17-2012, 07:44 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,608,566 times
Reputation: 46993
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfly4u View Post
. He had no choice in the matter.
Are you kidding? He made the choice to have unprotected sex and now he must face the responsibility.

you need to think bigger picture than what the prospective grandparents might want.

What if you get in touch with his parents and tell them (hopefully NOT with a birth announcement) and they are delighted with this new child and want to be a part of his life? But the father still doesn't want anything to do with you or the child? Fast forward to when the kid understands he has grandparents who are the parents of the father who doesn't love him or even acknowledge him. What a mess. There was a thread recently on the adoption board about a young man who was a part of his father's family but the father signed away parental rights when the mother wanted to marry somebody else. So now this young man knows and loves his grandparents, even knows who his father is but they have had no interaction since he was a baby. Not a good situation.

To be honest I think I would assume any woman who out of the blue told me I had a grandchild was trying to get some financial obligation out of me. Sad but true. While I would love to have grandchildren some day, if i couldn't be a part of their lives, interact with them in a happy, open way, I would rather not know. Especially if my son was neglecting his own child. It would make me all that more disappointed in him.

Having said that, if I knew of a grandchild out there I would certainly want to include him in my will and even try to help in every way I could but I would not want to feel I was being pressured to atone for my son's mistakes.
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Old 06-18-2012, 09:57 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,242,129 times
Reputation: 22270
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Are you kidding? He made the choice to have unprotected sex and now he must face the responsibility.

you need to think bigger picture than what the prospective grandparents might want.

What if you get in touch with his parents and tell them (hopefully NOT with a birth announcement) and they are delighted with this new child and want to be a part of his life? But the father still doesn't want anything to do with you or the child? Fast forward to when the kid understands he has grandparents who are the parents of the father who doesn't love him or even acknowledge him. What a mess. There was a thread recently on the adoption board about a young man who was a part of his father's family but the father signed away parental rights when the mother wanted to marry somebody else. So now this young man knows and loves his grandparents, even knows who his father is but they have had no interaction since he was a baby. Not a good situation.

To be honest I think I would assume any woman who out of the blue told me I had a grandchild was trying to get some financial obligation out of me. Sad but true. While I would love to have grandchildren some day, if i couldn't be a part of their lives, interact with them in a happy, open way, I would rather not know. Especially if my son was neglecting his own child. It would make me all that more disappointed in him.

Having said that, if I knew of a grandchild out there I would certainly want to include him in my will and even try to help in every way I could but I would not want to feel I was being pressured to atone for my son's mistakes.
Beautifully put!

It so happens I had a friend (now deceased) who found herself in a "somewhat" similar situation to this one. Her son did not marry the mother of his child and he did not really attempt to be a Dad to the child. Mom was a well paid professional and evidently did not even expect child support (wh/ I always thought was odd - Daddy should be responsible financially, in SOME way, for helping raise a child, even if he is not otherwise that involved). But folks work out their own arrangements, I suppose, so who am I to sit in judgment.

Back to story . . . my friend knew about this grandchild and was very fond of the mother of the baby . . . and although it appeared it was as much the mother's decision NOT to have Daddy involved in baby's life . . . my friend wanted to know her grandchild and wanted to be supportive to the child's mother, but she did not feel it was up to her to be financially responsible (and it wasn't, of course).

What she did was - include him in gifts and family gatherings as she did her other grandchildren. Mother was willing to let her child stay in touch with his grandmother. In addition, my friend recognized this child in her will as an equal with the other grandchildren. Over the years, she attended his events at school, would visit him and take him out on excursions, and he was welcome in her home anytime for weekend visits.

I think this all worked out so well b/c of the maturity on the mother's part. She wanted her son to have a relationship with his grandmother but she did not want to take advantage of grandmother. Over the years, my friend and the child's mother actually became friends and would go out to have lunch on occasion, or attend an event together.

I thought it was a rather unique situation b/c I just don't see things working out this smoothly in most situations. For one thing, the next woman in her son's life could have reacted negatively, been jealous, etc . . . but my friend was an extraordinary woman and mother . . . and I honestly believe her grandchild's mother must have been pretty extraordinary, too.

I always thought it was rather interesting that over the years, my friend was actually closer to this grandchild than any of her others (something she revealed to me but I am sure she made certain the other g/children never knew - but he was "her favorite"). His temperament was so like hers - they were very compatible. I am still amazed at how it all worked out and what wonderful memories the two of them made together. What a shame it would have been, for both grandmother and grandchild, if they had never gotten to really know one another.

Even with knowing all this, however . . . I still think each situation is unique. And I still can't say with certainty that I know how I would respond, finding myself in a similar circumstance. I would certainly HOPE that I would be able to have as lovely a relationship with my grandchild and his mother as my friend did.
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Old 06-19-2012, 12:01 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,690,207 times
Reputation: 22158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfly4u View Post
Prettywings,
Your boyfriend doesn't want to be a father. Period.
He begged you to abort the baby, but YOU chose to have the child.
He will always be the child's biological father, you chose him to be.
But you can't make a man be a father if he doesn't want to be.
As far as his parents are concerned, I wouldn't contact them at all.
Eventually, they will hear about the child somehow, they will, and if
they want to be in the child's life, they will show up at the door.
I would. i would come over with gifts in hand.
You have to respect the father's position on this. You can't force
him to love a child he never wanted. He had no choice in the matter.
Life will be very hard as a single mom. Really hard.
Good Luck to you.
Oh please. He wanted her to have the baby killed because he's afraid now that he's going to have to pay child support. He may even fear that he's going to end up loving this child and he's a commitment-phobe. No one has to respect the father's position on this, he certainly did have a choice. If he really never wanted kids, he had the choice of vasectomy and if he didn't want a child so much that he would rather have his child destroyed, he should have had a vasectomy.

His choice was to have unprotected sex and now he's acting like a stupid teenager who wants to run and hide.
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Old 06-19-2012, 12:18 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
17,566 posts, read 21,741,355 times
Reputation: 44312
Quote:
Originally Posted by prettywings View Post
Long story short, I am a 30 year old woman who is expecting my first child to a 40 year old man that I am not married to (it is his first child as well). I am very excited to be a new mom, and he feels like jumping off a bridge.

He hasn't told a soul that he is expecting a child, and we're already 4 months into the pregnancy. I have a feeling that he would like to keep this a secret until the day he dies, which to me, is so selfish and so unfortunate, he's acting 14, not 40. The first words that came out of his mouth when I told him I was pregnant were "My mom's gonna kill me!" (I looked at him like he had lost his mind, because he is a 40 year old man...I haven't said that since I was a teenager.) Over the next 3 days he tried desperately to convince me to abort, saying he doesn't want a child out of wedlock, and that his parents are going to be sooooo disappointed.

I didn't have a choice whether or not to tell my parents, since with women, it's very clear, but even if I did, it's something I would never keep from them, I think children are such a blessing, and my parents are already grandparents to a child that they absolutely adore. His parents are also grandparents already to his sister's 2 children (who were born out of wedlock, and his sister wasn't killed by his mom, she was supported), whom they love and adore.

My question is, as a grandparent: What would you do if a complete stranger sent you a birth announcement, announcing the birth of your 40 year old son's first child? Would you ignore it? Would you ask your son what the hell is going on? Would you want to meet your grandchild and be apart of your grandchild's life? Would your first thought be that this woman should have kept her legs closed and that your son, the angel, is a victim who might not even be the father and demand a paternity test?

Or should I just let it go, and allow him to tell his parents when he wants, even if that means 5, 10, 15, or 20 years from now, or maybe even never?

My concern is that, as a mother, I feel that the more people that love my child, the better, and I would like to give them the opportunity of knowing their grandchild if they so choose. My parents both love babies, and would hate to have missed out on the first weeks and months of their grandchild's life; so if they are people that would want to be apart of their grandchild's life, I would hate for them to miss these moments they can't get back.

Any insightful responses would be appreciated. Thank you.
I really understand you and your question as well as why you are asking it. However, this is neither the point nor the problem.

It's not about what the grandparents would want it's about the baby's father feelings about your pregnancy and his child.

To be gentle, he has mixed emotions. He is not sure if he wants to introduce this fact into HIS FAMILY.

You see it as a happy event. He sees it as problematic.

I would not count on him to be around for the long haul and I would take measures to protect yourself and your baby. He just may not be there for you.

Not wanting to send out announcements about the birth of your child is a clear indication that he's just not that into it.

What is the opposite of an announcement? A secret. And that's what he wants this to be.

Hugs!
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