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Keep reading. Better yet, peruse the thread from summer 2011. No mention was made of a summer away at a cottage. Ivory's excuse was that she didn't want to start seeing the kids over the summer, then have to stop when school started. I find it very interesting that she didn't just say they were gone during the summer back then. According to what she says in this thread, they had been going to the cottage for 2 years by then.
Who cares about back then? She's asking about now. Stay focused.
How would we know? The OP doesn't try. Go back and read the previous thread. 18 months ago the OP was questioning if she should agree to take 2 kids at a time because her dil might change her mind. She didn't bother to try and see what happened. She made excuses. A year and a half later, she's still making excuses. The OP doesn't want to start something she feels like she can't finish. The OP is making it all or nothing. She can't cultivate a relationship because there are too many and she doesn't have time (so she says) so she won't even start to try. I'm pretty sure the kids would appreciate some effort over zero effort.
Doesn't matter. DIL made her terms known, and OP can't do it. Too bad for DIL.
Who cares about back then? She's asking about now. Stay focused.
It is the same thread, different year. She tried once in 3 months to see her new grand baby. She called the baby a rerun. She said she didn't want to start rotating 2 kids at a time during the summer because she couldn't continue after school started. In this thread she said she doesn't want to spend her time with these kids. She admitted it. The rest is just excuses.
Doesn't matter. DIL made her terms known, and OP can't do it. Too bad for DIL.
The DIL may have terms that are impossible to meet, but the OP asked what could be done. We told her to make an effort. She told us she doesn't want to. Therefore the OP will have to continue to deal with her DIL's dissatisfaction.
Again, you're not reading it just fine. OP can offer up a movie and popcorn night once a month, but DIL will NOT be happy, because she's looking for more than that. It's futile. OP should just stick to her guns.
And the children will not "suffer."
That's if your goal is to please the DDIL. I agree that's not happening no matter what. That poster's suggestion was to ignore the DDIL and focus on spending whatever quality time she could with the kids, even if it wasn't much, and suggested a low impact once a month type way.
This thread seemed to turn when people began to suggest ways the OP could spend some more time with the kids (not as much as the DDIL wants obviously), after she listed reasons why she couldn't do so. But the OP apparently has a history of shooting down any suggestions along those lines, which gives some the impression that she just doesn't WANT to be around them more often more than not just having enough time. Plus it is obvious she doesn't like the kids mom much. I don't really think there is anything wrong with that if that's the case (she knows the woman, i dont) but it will invite negative feedback IMO.
ETA: if I'm being brutally honest, it really just sounds like Ivory did NOT approve of the marriage in any way and pretty much resents that DS has kids with this crazy woman, and thinks she is messing up his life. So she doesn't have any desire to be around his family with DDIL. Since the son and his wife are framing this as "help us", Ivory is seeing this (I think anyway) as "you handle it yourself since you made the situation, don't bother me, I have my own problems". That's fine, but it is different than wanting to be around them more and not having the time, and having the parents resent her over it.
And....What's the point of a thread, repeatedly....over the same issues....If it is just to vent, than say so. But when asking for suggestions only leads to a litany of excuses....Well...sometimes you gotta fish or cut bait. I suggest, check the times someone is on this thread responding. If you multiply that by over a year....You could pretty much call BS on the "I'm so busy I don't have time to have them over for the occasional 3 hour movie night" Seriously....I don't wonder who's got the issues here, it is pretty obvious. I just feel for those grand babies...
Last edited by JanND; 11-17-2012 at 07:13 PM..
Reason: edit text
Again, you're not reading it just fine. OP can offer up a movie and popcorn night once a month, but DIL will NOT be happy, because she's looking for more than that. It's futile. OP should just stick to her guns.
And the children will not "suffer."
Again, it doesn't matter if DIL is happy. The relationship between DIL and the OP is not a good one and I don't see that changing. The point of spending a little quality time with the grandkids is to have a relationship with the grandkids. It has nothing to do with pleasing DIL because pleasing DIL is not important and the OP should not worry about that. At all. If you could please refrain from the eye rolling, that'd be great. Thanks.
The DIL may have terms that are impossible to meet, but the OP asked what could be done. We told her to make an effort. She told us she doesn't want to. Therefore the OP will have to continue to deal with her DIL's dissatisfaction.
I told you I'm not taking 5 kids at once and the little time I have to give results in me seeing them each 1 or 2 times more during the school year. I don't see where that helps. I really don't see where I can do anything to fix this. Not without stretching myself much thinner than I care to.
I'm 53 years old. 5 kids 12 and under is a bit more than I care to deal with at one time. And if I did want to I'd have to rent a van and by car seats and boosters just to pick them up. 1 or 2 at a time I could do maybe once every 6 weeks during the school year. At that rate, it takes me 18 weeks to see them all.
I'm can't sign up for frequent visits and I'm not up to 5 young kids at one time. Even ddil's mom won't take all of them. She, usually, does one or two at a time but she does this a couple of times a week so she has each child for a day every 5 weeks. And I agree with posters here that no matter what I do, it will not be enough. Ddil is unreasonable to make the digs she does given I'm a working mom raising my own kids. You can't compare me to a retired, single grandma who has no other family who chooses to spend 2-3 days a week with a grand child. That's all she does.
I really do think this is about control of dss and alienating him from family. She's done it with everyone except dh and I and she's, seriously, working on me. As I said before, they do not show up for family events. People who want to control other people keep them away from people who might support their standing up for themselves. I think that's what she's doing. If I did start taking one child every 5-6 weeks as is all I can reasonably do without compromising my own situation, it would not be enough. She'd be sure to point out it's not enough to develop relationships with the kids and I'd agree with her there. It would have to be more frequent. IMO, the solution is they come over for a day every 5-6 weeks and we'll see them all but they pass on invitations when we make them most of the time. Sometimes, dss will come with some of the kids.
Again, it doesn't matter if DIL is happy. The relationship between DIL and the OP is not a good one and I don't see that changing. The point of spending a little quality time with the grandkids is to have a relationship with the grandkids. It has nothing to do with pleasing DIL because pleasing DIL is not important and the OP should not worry about that. At all. If you could please refrain from the eye rolling, that'd be great. Thanks.
Please read my posts. The problem is I don't have enough time to spread over 5 grandkids to do that. Realistically, I could take one or two for a few hours on an afternoon maybe every 5-6 weeks on top of the visits we make now. That means I rotate through all 5 in 18 weeks. Do you think seeing them once in 18 weeks is going to build a relationship? I can tell you first hand it doesn't. I saw my maternal grandmother about that often. I had no relationship with her. I did have a relationship with my paternal grandmother. Dad used to take us to visit her every 2-3 weeks plus she took us for a day once or twice a year.
It's a matter of not having time frequently enough to make a difference taking them 1 or 2 at a time and not being up to taking 5 at once. Seriosly, they range in age from 3-12. The older kids would probably be ok with infrequent visits but the younger ones would not. However, ddil doesn't allow some kids to go visiting more than others. There's a rotation schedule....which is kind of controlling doncha think? I think this is about ddil being in control and nothing else. If she were interested in the kids having a relationship with dh and I, they'd take us up on visiting a few times a year or maybe show up to a graduation open house or wedding (kids are usually invited in our family) or the big family picnic each summer. The fact she puts in zero effort is telling. This is not about her thinking we need a relationship with the kids. It's about her controlling our relationship with the kids.
That's if your goal is to please the DDIL. I agree that's not happening no matter what. That poster's suggestion was to ignore the DDIL and focus on spending whatever quality time she could with the kids, even if it wasn't much, and suggested a low impact once a month type way.
This thread seemed to turn when people began to suggest ways the OP could spend some more time with the kids (not as much as the DDIL wants obviously), after she listed reasons why she couldn't do so. But the OP apparently has a history of shooting down any suggestions along those lines, which gives some the impression that she just doesn't WANT to be around them more often more than not just having enough time. Plus it is obvious she doesn't like the kids mom much. I don't really think there is anything wrong with that if that's the case (she knows the woman, i dont) but it will invite negative feedback IMO.
ETA: if I'm being brutally honest, it really just sounds like Ivory did NOT approve of the marriage in any way and pretty much resents that DS has kids with this crazy woman, and thinks she is messing up his life. So she doesn't have any desire to be around his family with DDIL. Since the son and his wife are framing this as "help us", Ivory is seeing this (I think anyway) as "you handle it yourself since you made the situation, don't bother me, I have my own problems". That's fine, but it is different than wanting to be around them more and not having the time, and having the parents resent her over it.
For the umpteenth time. I AM A FULL TIME WORKING MOM WITH TWO TEENS AT HOME. How much time do you think I have for taking the grandkids??? Ans: VERY LITTLE. Since I have so little, I prefer to use it visiting the family and seeing all the kids at once. The movie every 6 weeks or so suggestion would be fine if there weren't 5 of them. I'm not up to 5 kids for any length of time and can't even, legally, transport them to my house. I'd have to make two trips to get them and two trips to drop them off and that would be after purchasing car seats and booster seats. It's not a reasonable suggestion.
Also, back then what ddil wanted was a regular schedule that she dictated. I am very hesitent to start something I cannot continue. I think the kids would notice that more than me never starting it and I think ddil would react badly when I told her I was done. She hasn't brought up the schedule in a while. Now she just compares me to her mom and points out what I don't do.
We can, however, conclude that this is not about me spending time with the kids. Never was and never will be. It's about ddil being in control. She knows I'm busy. She doesn't care. She wants to tell me what I will do and she wants something to complain about so she sets the bar too high, knowing full well it's too high, so she can complain. I accept that I'm just too busy right now. I'm not the typical grandma. That should be considered. If the kids end up with a distant relationship to me, that's fine. There's just not much I can do about it.
My grandmother had 11 kids spaced out over 20 years. I am willing to bet that none of her older kids complained about her not taking their kids when she was still busy raising her own (I'm willing to bet the younger ones didn't when she wasn't raising her own either. My mom was one of the younger ones and I can tell you exactly how many times grandma took us for an afternoon. ZERO and that was fine. That wasn't her job. I do wish I'd seen her more than I did growing up but my mom was a working mom with six kids. She had me beat by 4 kids so I understand why we didn't visit more.). It's rediculous to complain that a working mom with kids still at home isn't taking your kids. If this were about relationships, they'd visit now and then. They don't so it isn't. The only ones who visit are us. Yes, those visits are infrequent but that's because we are busy with our own lives. There is no rule that says I must give every extra minute I have to someone else. Believe it or not, I'm allowed to breathe.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 11-17-2012 at 09:55 PM..
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Who cares about back then? She's asking about now. Stay focused.
Ans: VERY LITTLE. Since I have so little, I prefer to use it visiting the family and seeing all the kids at once. The movie every 6 weeks or so suggestion would be fine if there weren't 5 of them. I'm not up to 5 kids for any length of time and can't even, legally, transport them to my house. I'd have to make two trips to get them and two trips to drop them off and that would be after purchasing car seats and booster seats. It's not a reasonable suggestion.