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Old 06-26-2013, 06:21 PM
 
8 posts, read 16,838 times
Reputation: 27

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I know obviously that I can ask the kids directly.
I know obviously that I can watch what for they like (as the other grandma suggested) and go from there.
I want to know why it is that my daughter hides something like this from me. Is it because she is controlling? Is it because she is being manipulative? Is it because she is so insecure as a mother that she doesn't want me getting a gift that the kids may like more than her gift?

I suspect it's reason no. 3, and that is REALLY SAD. She should be a big girl and just admit the whole thing, and then I can proceed accordingly.

Like I said, I am going to have a chat with her. I'm willing to bet money that she is going to say that she wants to get the "most wanted gift" and doesn't want me to get it. I cannot imagine being so insecure about your kids' love that you think being the one who buys the ipad is so important that you are willing to deceive your own mother over it. If she tells me she wants to buy the most wanted gift, that's fine. It's not like I am going to go buy a second ipad.
Just don't lie to my face and tell me that what they really want is pajamas. See what happens is that she is secretive and deceptive, and then I take that personally. And then I went and ask City Data posters what they think about the situation. She is creating the drama and mistrust by lying.
If she would have just said to me years ago "look they want XXXXX but i am gonna get them that, i am always gonna get the special gift" then OK. but it's the lying that I take personally.
By the way, I am not offended by all the people here who have raked me over the coals for my posts. I am sure that your own mothers and mothers in law have similar feelings like my own (I am specifically speaking to those of you who engage in these deceptive games). I know I am not the only one struggling with these family dynamics.

At least i am not one of those grandmothers who buys the kid 87 gifts and shoves it down the throats of the parents, or who buys the kids inappropriate gifts that the parents specifically say they do not want in the house.

Last edited by nolij4; 06-26-2013 at 06:30 PM..
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Old 06-26-2013, 06:54 PM
 
13,136 posts, read 20,699,235 times
Reputation: 35314
Every so often I read a thread on C-D that makes the grandmother or MIL sound like a horror. I usually shake my head, and figure it is all an exaggeration, blown completely out of proportion. And, now this.

Grandma, back off. Back off the gift giving, and back off your daughter's right to give her children what she wants to. I honestly don't know what outcome you are seeking. Who honestly cares which person buys the "most wanted" present? Isn't the goal to see a child's wish fulfilled?

You are making this about you and you daughter, not a whit about the grandchildren. At least be honest about your motives.
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Old 06-26-2013, 06:56 PM
 
Location: NY to NJ
662 posts, read 827,397 times
Reputation: 1053
Moderator Cut. Really, get over yourself. You are NOT the parent. She's nice to even give you a specific item to buy.

Last edited by Jaded; 06-27-2013 at 01:27 AM.. Reason: Personal attack
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:04 PM
 
1,677 posts, read 2,049,531 times
Reputation: 5490
Quote:
Originally Posted by nolij4 View Post
I know obviously that I can ask the kids directly.
I know obviously that I can watch what for they like (as the other grandma suggested) and go from there.
I want to know why it is that my daughter hides something like this from me. Is it because she is controlling? Is it because she is being manipulative? Is it because she is so insecure as a mother that she doesn't want me getting a gift that the kids may like more than her gift?

I suspect it's reason no. 3, and that is REALLY SAD. She should be a big girl and just admit the whole thing, and then I can proceed accordingly.

Like I said, I am going to have a chat with her. I'm willing to bet money that she is going to say that she wants to get the "most wanted gift" and doesn't want me to get it. I cannot imagine being so insecure about your kids' love that you think being the one who buys the ipad is so important that you are willing to deceive your own mother over it. If she tells me she wants to buy the most wanted gift, that's fine. It's not like I am going to go buy a second ipad.
Just don't lie to my face and tell me that what they really want is pajamas. See what happens is that she is secretive and deceptive, and then I take that personally. And then I went and ask City Data posters what they think about the situation. She is creating the drama and mistrust by lying.
If she would have just said to me years ago "look they want XXXXX but i am gonna get them that, i am always gonna get the special gift" then OK. but it's the lying that I take personally.
By the way, I am not offended by all the people here who have raked me over the coals for my posts. I am sure that your own mothers and mothers in law have similar feelings like my own (I am specifically speaking to those of you who engage in these deceptive games). I know I am not the only one struggling with these family dynamics.

At least i am not one of those grandmothers who buys the kid 87 gifts and shoves it down the throats of the parents, or who buys the kids inappropriate gifts that the parents specifically say they do not want in the house.
Oh wow. Do you really care that much that you need to confront your daughter over this? Why is it that big a deal? If she says the kids want pajamas, and you know differently, then ask if it's ok if you buy x, y, or z instead. Or just get the pajamas, for goodness sake. Why does it matter so much to you who gets what?

Your daughter may have good reason for behaving the way she does. If she were really THAT controlling, you wouldn't have a relationship with your grandchildren at all. But it sounds like you are free and clear to be a grandmother to them...and you're more concerned with starting a war over nothing with your daughter. It always frustrates me to see grandparents like you, because my kid would love to have a grandma, and I would love to have my mother...and your grandkids have you and your daughter has you, and you're wasting time Moderator Cut. Knock it off, buy the kids pajamas, crossword puzzle books, gift cards, or whatever, and enjoy the time you have with them.

Last edited by Jaded; 06-27-2013 at 01:31 AM.. Reason: Unnecessary comment
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:23 PM
 
Location: Illinois
4,754 posts, read 4,304,713 times
Reputation: 12913
Grandma, learn to let go. It will make your life easier, and you will live longer to enjoy your children and grandchildren. Try to be the parent/grandparent everyone wants to be around, rather than the one who has to have things her way.
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:32 PM
 
Location: New Hampshire
1,137 posts, read 1,183,417 times
Reputation: 1230
Quote:
Originally Posted by nolij4 View Post
And this is not about what you think. This is not about me wanting to give gifts that are unwanted or inappropriate. That's not what I am asking.



What is happening is that my daughter deliberately does not tell me what my grandkids want, so that she can get them the gift. In other words, if my grandkids want iPads and have iPads at the top of their Xmas list, I am not allowed to buy that, only the parents are. I am only allowed to buy the gifts that they want less, like pajamas or a board game.


I will ask my daughter, "Oh what does Cindy want for Xmas." Her reply is "Oh get her shorts, she needs shorts". Meanwhile what Cindy really wants is Legos and my daughter goes and gets her all the Legos in the whole store.


Methinks this is some kind of power trip coming from the parents. I find this disturbing.
They're not your kids. The fact that you find your daughter's behavior disturbing is what I find disturbing.
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:34 PM
 
Location: New Hampshire
1,137 posts, read 1,183,417 times
Reputation: 1230
And another thing, if what your daughter's doing bothers you so much why don't you have an honest discussion about it with her instead of talking to a bunch of random strangers on the internet about it. Moderator Cut.

Last edited by Jaded; 06-27-2013 at 01:35 AM.. Reason: Rude comment
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Old 06-26-2013, 10:45 PM
 
854 posts, read 3,325,494 times
Reputation: 652
In our house Santa was the one who gave the top of the list items, so I would not have shared my kids top requests with grandparents since Santa would be bringing those.

A suggestion, find a special niche for their presents that becomes your type of present. In our family it seems like different relatives get different types of presents and sort of stick with that.

For example, one aunt will get them books, which is not their favorite type of present, but she gets well though out hard-back books that I would probably not buy very often, so my kids end up liking them and look forward to her presents. Another relative will get gift cards for restaurants. Coming from me that wouldn't be very exciting as I take them out to eat, but coming from someone else, it is fun for them. Then they have one or two relatives that can afford to buy larger presents than we can, so sometimes they give money or buy a more expensive present, or we pitch in together (Santa list presents are not always expensive presents).
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Old 06-27-2013, 03:49 AM
 
3,737 posts, read 9,570,840 times
Reputation: 6958
This whole thread is not about presents, or grandkids, or love.

It is all about pride and the relationship or lack thereof between the mother and daughter.

Pretty soon there will be no relationship between mother and daughter.
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Old 06-27-2013, 04:03 AM
 
Location: Mayberry
32,009 posts, read 13,055,921 times
Reputation: 68548
I am grateful that my daughter tells me what my granddaughter needs, not wants! She knows I can't spend a lot, so she gives me suggestions within my budget.

There seems to be a strained relationship between the OP and her daughter, so sad.
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