Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It is not that I am making a big issue of watching my GS. The issue is my DIL cannot cope. My son sees this and he is one one to call me for help, because she refuses to to the simplest tasks. This paint color issue was simply going two blocks to the clubhouse and picking one of three choices. She does not discipline and will most likely leave that for my son. She will say right in front of the kids that they are behaving badly, and embarrass them and expect the father to handle it all. He is tired of handling it. He works such long hours and usually comes home to no dinner on the table. I am trying to make it easier for him and to relieve HIS stress.
I see lots of red flags here. I can't go over the statement about the son coming home to "no dinner on the table." This implies the wife is not doing her "job," but the OP stated that she works too. You could say the wife is coming home to no dinner as well, but she doesn't get any sympathy for that.
I also don't get why the wife supposedly cannot cope because she does not want to pick out paint colors. This would be a really low priority in my book. Just because the wife isn't jumping up and down to do this when the son wants to do this does not mean she is not able to cope.
I also am wondering if the wife really resents the fact that the son is calling the OP for help babysitting so he can complete a task the wife may not want to do at that time. That would probably annoy me. I imagine the wife probably just used the childcare issue as an excuse to try to avoid the task, and the son called the grandmother to "overcome" that issue.
I believe the OP said the wife has turned down offers to babysit at other times. Therefore, maybe the daughter-in-law really doesn't want the help and senses that the son's mother does not like her.
As for the original sentiment about today's parents being unable to "cope," I would argue the exact opposite. I think today's parents get far less help from relatives than parents did in the past. Because of the economy, many, many parents do not live near any of their relatives. When my kids were babies, we lived in a city full of transplants. I knew very few parents who had grandparents to help. In the suburb where I lived, a number of businesses and organizations realized this and set up their businesses accordingly. The grocery store I went to had a childcare area for parents that they could use. I saw many, many, many parents "coping" without any assistance from grandparents. As parents, my husband and I actually felt bad at times that our parents did not get to see their grandchildren very often.
Wow....such nastiness on this posting. Certainly everyone is entitled to their opinion, but really... As I see it as a grandmother of 6, we live in a different world than when we were raising kids. I don't think it's a better world either. Mom's and dad's are more self directed. I see few who will sacrifice for their children. This is a wide net I'm casting. There are exceptions to the rules. I'm a hands on grandma, not because I have to, but because I want to be. My husband and I put 2 of our grandkids in swimming lessons. I was amazed at how NOT ONE of those parents watched their children during the lessons. Several of the kids kept trying to get their attention, but no.... mom and dad were busy texting. This is a generational issue. Kids are going to act out eventually.
I have a "single" DIL who likes to take off with her friends for the weekend. Wants me to watch the 14 year old. I love him and spend time with him, but the whole weekend. Its not like I don't have a life and nothing else to do.(Teenagers are more taxing for me than the little guys) If it was work I would think differently. The most important issue is he resents her for it. 4 more years and she can have all the party time she wants.
So....if the grandma feel put out for watching the 2 year old, I get it. There is a choice to me made here. The world is a changing and we gotta go with the flow to some degree. Where I put my foot down is in my home. I don't spend too much time in my grandkids home. I feel the world needs to change it's views on the role of the grandparent.
Am I the only grandparent that sees the younger generation unable to cope with their children? I raised two sons. I was a stay at home mom, but I did all the things the working moms could not. My husband and I coached soccer, ran the cub scouts, volunteered at the school....we did it all.
Now I see my kids unable to do everyday tasks because of the kids. My son does put in a full week, with much stress. DIL works but is home early on some days. Today I am asked to come over and watch GS for a few minutes while mom has to pick out paint color for their house. I will gladly do it, but come on. You can't handle a toddler for five minutes to say "OK, that color".
That is a weird example.
I often was alone with my insanely demanding toddler when I had workmen, installers, decorators, etc, come to the house. Often for long stays and lots of intense conversation. I had to hold the squirming kid the whole time and ignore his shrieking, but we got through it. It did not occur to me to call grandparents who live 2 streets over.
Now my wife does it and he gets it that we are talking to someone else.
Back in my day they had these things called playpens.
Now they have baby gates and play yards.
Set it up within eyesight, add some toys, and you are doing your chores while the child is safe and content.
Safe, yes.
Content? No way in hell. My son would NEVER tolerate confinement.
But I just take him on my chores.
He is only 22 months old and he pushes the grocery cart at the store with such seriousness and intent (they have small ones for kids) you would not believe it.
He roams the back yard and points out all the poop to pick up. Even stuff I didn't see! "Oh, big poop here!," he says.
He feeds all 4 dogs and the fish.
Kids are highly underestimated and redirecting their energy can take time, but wow...totally worth it.
It is not that I am making a big issue of watching my GS. The issue is my DIL cannot cope. My son sees this and he is one one to call me for help, because she refuses to to the simplest tasks. This paint color issue was simply going two blocks to the clubhouse and picking one of three choices. She does not discipline and will most likely leave that for my son. She will say right in front of the kids that they are behaving badly, and embarrass them and expect the father to handle it all. He is tired of handling it. He works such long hours and usually comes home to no dinner on the table. I am trying to make it easier for him and to relieve HIS stress.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
While I am sympathetic, this is none of your business. This is between your son and his wife. If you have a male friend who can quietly slip him
that might help him. But Dad has to work this out with HER.
All you have to decide is what the scope of your help is going to be. If you feel that your "help" is simply enabling their failure to cope (yes THEIR - if he is calling you instead of dealing with his wife, then he is failing to cope as well), then limit your help.
Good luck.
I got to these two posts and thought, for me, this ended the conversation. Both were right and I sympathize with the MIL but, agree with the other post as to how to handle it. One of the hardest things in this world I had to learn was to not get involved in my children's married lives or if I felt really, really stongly about something with the grandchildren.
MIL, it is okay to vent and I am sorry you are getting a lot of flak. It should be a debate without harshness directed at the OP. If you want, PM me. I am a 70 yr old who was a single parent and was very attached to my children. It was often hard for me to step back but, that didn't make me some kind of witch.
Am I the only grandparent that sees the younger generation unable to cope with their children? I raised two sons. I was a stay at home mom, but I did all the things the working moms could not. My husband and I coached soccer, ran the cub scouts, volunteered at the school....we did it all.
Now I see my kids unable to do everyday tasks because of the kids. My son does put in a full week, with much stress. DIL works but is home early on some days. Today I am asked to come over and watch GS for a few minutes while mom has to pick out paint color for their house. I will gladly do it, but come on. You can't handle a toddler for five minutes to say "OK, that color".
The more I think about this...the more I wonder...Is it just that we older moms were too proud to ask for help? Is it because our kids saw (some of) us running full speed, 7 days a week, with no time off for good behavior? Were we so so "stoic" in our parenting, that they never realized just how hard we worked to make things run smoothly, because we didn't complain out loud? LOL
Yeah, some of today's parents are "needy", but then...if I recall correctly, there were quite a few of "those" young parents around, even when I was raising MY children.
It is not that I am making a big issue of watching my GS. The issue is my DIL cannot cope. My son sees this and he is one one to call me for help, because she refuses to to the simplest tasks. This paint color issue was simply going two blocks to the clubhouse and picking one of three choices. She does not discipline and will most likely leave that for my son. She will say right in front of the kids that they are behaving badly, and embarrass them and expect the father to handle it all. He is tired of handling it. He works such long hours and usually comes home to no dinner on the table. I am trying to make it easier for him and to relieve HIS stress.
If you want to make it easier for him and relieve his stress....tell him to grow a pair and start acting like "the man of the house" instead of acting like a scared child. Maybe they need to do a little bit of counselling. It kind of sounds like they need to figure out their roles in this relationship.
In other words.....THIS is not your problem. Walk away......N-O-T your problem.
The more I think about this...the more I wonder...Is it just that we older moms were too proud to ask for help? Is it because our kids saw (some of) us running full speed, 7 days a week, with no time off for good behavior? Were we so so "stoic" in our parenting, that they never realized just how hard we worked to make things run smoothly, because we didn't complain out loud? LOL
Yeah, some of today's parents are "needy", but then...if I recall correctly, there were quite a few of "those" young parents around, even when I was raising MY children.
I think some of the differences stem from working outside the home. Never in my life have I faced such a challenge. My mom worked, but my gram lived with us. I don't have any help and there isn't enough time in the day. I keep hoping a steady state will come soon!
I think some of the differences stem from working outside the home. Never in my life have I faced such a challenge. My mom worked, but my gram lived with us. I don't have any help and there isn't enough time in the day. I keep hoping a steady state will come soon!
Oh gosh, Braunwyn, I'd love to say that a steady state will come, but not likely. You just get so much better at managing your time and get so much faster at tasks than you ever thought you'd be.
You are incredibly intelligent, creative and resourceful. When your little one gets to be just a bit older, you will find ways for your little one to entertain themselves, while you accomplish what you need to accomplish in a day.
When I worked outside of the home, I was far more efficient at managing my time, than when I stayed at home. You also reprioritize things in your life. What NEEDS to be done vs what HAS to be done.
The more I think about this...the more I wonder...Is it just that we older moms were too proud to ask for help? Is it because our kids saw (some of) us running full speed, 7 days a week, with no time off for good behavior? Were we so so "stoic" in our parenting, that they never realized just how hard we worked to make things run smoothly, because we didn't complain out loud? LOL
Yeah, some of today's parents are "needy", but then...if I recall correctly, there were quite a few of "those" young parents around, even when I was raising MY children.
Nah this is BS. The truth is that one or two kids should be that hard. If a parent needs "help" to manage the basics of child rearing, they probably should be asking the right people. The kids!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
