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My daughter has a four year old son and is in an abusive relationship with the father. Her son is emotionally scarred from seeing his dad abuse his mom. The last time that they came over her eye was red. I pulled the kid aside and asked him what had happened to his mom. He said that his dad had poured hot milk into her eye. He asked me to stay at my house. He said, "I am afraid to go to my house, my dad hurts my mom, and I hide under the table." As a family her sisters and I have tried to do everything to help her, but you cannot force anyone to leave an abusive relationship. It's not so easy to say hey why doesn't the kid stay with you, etc because the man controls her and everything that she does, it's not like she will just willingly bring the kid over to my house. I have sort of lost hope as to trying to help her, but the child does not deserve to be in this situation. He is innocent, he did not choose to be in this situation, his mother did. I have tried getting DCF involved, but all she does is lie to them in order to keep her son with her. Is there any sort of legal action that I could take or something in order to gain custody of this child? Or at least to get him out of this house. I know that it may seem wrong to the mother, but if you are not caring for your child properly by keeping them safe and exposing them to dangerous situations, then you are not capable of caring for a child. A child should feel safe and secure in their environment, and they shouldn't have to be exposed to seeing people hurt each other.
mbirch, how very difficult this must be for you...I can only imagine. Do you ever have the chance to babysit?...can you ever be alone with the child?...cause if it were me, and that was so, that child's life would change from that point on.....good luck, don't wait for outside help, just do what you can...you're his only help...start with the child, and worry about your daughter later...she's a grownup and making her own choices....the little one needs to be away from him and HER as soon as possible....like yesterday.
SHE CANNOT INSTRUCT THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM TO DROP CHARGES WHEN SHE IS NOT THE VICTIM. THE CHILD WAS THE VICTIM (too), the mother cannot let someone else "off the hook" for an illegal act against the child. You can still follow up on what has transpired, especially if it means trying everything possible to help your grandchild. Are you up to it?
This is true. And even if SHE is the victim, if the police arrest him, the arrest does not depend upon her "pressing charges" or not. That crap ended long ago when domestic violence laws were changed. The cops are obligated to arrest whether a person presses charges or not.
I agree, there is something missing from this story.
I understand this is difficult and that you are afraid of this man, but something has to be done.
The sad thing is that men like this usually cause "accidents' not have "accidents" happen to them.
And the saddest thing is that sometimes the "accidents" that these type of men cause also take the lives of innocent children, co-workers, relatives or bystanders.
This is true. And even if SHE is the victim, if the police arrest him, the arrest does not depend upon her "pressing charges" or not. That crap ended long ago when domestic violence laws were changed. The cops are obligated to arrest whether a person presses charges or not.
I agree, there is something missing from this story.
Like I said, he was arrested. But not prosecuted in court because she dropped the charges. I have no idea of whether she was cooperative or not etc etc. The only person that she listens to is the father, who manipulates her to his will.
Another thing to consider is that if this couple stay together what if your daughter gets pregnant again?
One of the highest causes if death(many sources list it as THE highest cause of death) for pregnantwomen is MURDER by their boyfriend or spouse.
I'm not saying that it will happen but it is also something you to be thinking about.
You say that the boyfriend still lives at the apartment. Doesn't Child Welfare make surprise visits? How can he always sneak out? Wouldn't all of his clothes & possessions be right there?
Do they make surprise visits? I don't even know, I assumed they didn't because she says that she has to set up an appointment with them in order for them to visit. I though of this also, about his stuff being there. But if she is setting up appointments its real easy to shove everything into a closet.
I do feel terrible for this child, I understand that custody laws are created so that not anyone can take a chil,. But there should be leeway in special situations. or at least allow for another person to file a restraining order against this guy. It's like, I know someone is in danger, but the laws are not helping me...pretty absurd.
I do feel terrible for this child, I understand that custody laws are created so that not anyone can take a chil,. But there should be leeway in special situations. or at least allow for another person to file a restraining order against this guy. It's like, I know someone is in danger, but the laws are not helping me...pretty absurd.
She's actually abusing the child by allowing him to remain in this hell-hole.
If she wants to live with her abuser, that's her perogative, but you have to make sure that you clarify that the child is being abused. Even if you have to report her too.
It sounds like you might only be addressing the abuse being hurled at her and she's too masochistic.
The authorities must talk to and examine the child. You have to make it clear that it's the child being abused. Your daughter can decide for herself, the child needs intervention.
This incident happened awhile ago, there is no way that he can be taken to court now. He was definitely arrested, but she dropped the charges against him in court. This was over a year ago.
I don't know how many ways to phrase this fact about domestic violence: the victim does not decide if the case is prosecuted or not, and the mother (your daughter) of a victim (your granddaughter) does not have say in if the case is prosecuted or not. Since you know of this serious endangerment in the past, and you are complacient to follow up, then you are not really helping as much as you could. Truth be told, your complaining on the internet while refusing to pursue the legal recourse is (1) putting you at fault in not protecting your grandchild to the fullest of your capabilities, or (2) you've presented components of the story that are not fully factual.
In Arizona (your zip code):
Quote:
Another important point to keep in mind is that the victim does not have the option or choice of "pressing charges." Once the police have written their report and the State of Arizona has decided to prosecute, the discretion to prosecute or not prosecute is strictly limited to the prosecutor's office. The victim cannot decide, once 911 has been called and the police on their way, to drop the case. The reasoning behind this is common sense and pragmatism. The prosecution of a defendant should not be subject to the ups and downs of personal relationships; it should be subject to the will of the democratically elected sovereign.
Depending on the state laws and circumstances, it is possible that it was a felony, and many states (including Arizona) have a 7 year statute of limitation on prosecution (time periods within which a legal proceeding must be commenced).
You've come here asking for "help", yet seem determined to not follow up on advice?
Last edited by CyberCity; 08-13-2013 at 01:08 AM..
I think it's quite amusing how many people think that because such and such is "on the books" it translates somehow into actually happening in reality. Too much TV watching.
The real world doesn't work that way. DCF or CPS or whatever you call it in your state may be "required" to make surprise visits, but they don't. And so what if they do? The knock on the door, you don't answer. You later tell them you had an emergency and were not home, oops, sorry. Or that you were at the store, or the post office. Whatever. DCF/CPS loses track of kids they are supposed to be monitoring ALL THE TIME.
Legally there may be no option for the victim of DV to drop charges but I've seen it happen. I don't know how it happens but it does.
I've also seen cases where the cops show up to a DV call, the victim is obviously injured, the cops have a chat with the abuser (not the victim), next thing you know they are laughing and talking about football or some such and everything is fine and they leave, regardless of the 'law' that says they are supposed to take the abuser in. Maybe they went to high school together. Maybe they are in a small town, maybe one of them is ex military and the abuser is too so there's a camaraderie. There are plenty of reasons. Regardless of all the neighbors saying that they saw the guy drag the woman across the parking lot by her hair, smacking her head on concrete steps all the way.
I've seen the police refuse to enforce a custody order/court order based on their own reasoning when there was a clear case of kidnapping.
I've seen the police come to a house where you could hear one person knocking the other down the stairs, with one person screaming like they were in fear for their lives, and the police just decided to "let it be" and drove away. When my neighbor questioned their actions she was threatened with arrest.
The law says a lot of things. The policies and rules spell out a ton of "rules" and regulations for CPS, etc. Has nothing to do with what really happens in the real world. I used to think "But that's illegal! How can that be!? How can this go on?" until I lived through some things, saw some things, helped friends with domestic violence, etc. The system is broken and burdened and doesn't always work the way it "should".
So please, really, stop ragging on the OP because what s/he is saying doesn't jive with your fantasy TV Law & Order SVU version of how things work.
To the OP: Keep pushing, keep advocating for your grandchild. Be the squeaky wheel. Will your daughter let you keep the child often? If she is willing to allow lots of "babysitting", take her up on it as much as possible. Offer it to "help her out", kiss her butt if need be to make it so that he spends more time out of that house than in it, if it is possible at all. If you have an adversarial relationship with her, now is the time to remedy it, regardless of who is right or wrong.
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