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I'm about to have a baby in April. My mother is very Catholic. It means so much to her and I respect that. I'm an atheist. I've tried to share this with her in the past, but she completely rejected it and just cannot deal, so I don't press her. She's quite pushy with her religion, is convinced her views are the correct views to have for anyone, and wants to be my daughter's spiritual/religious adviser. I willing to allow her to introduce religion to my daughter if presented according to guidelines I set forth, but she's been getting under my skin lately with her pushiness. She wants religious articles in the nursery. She wants a baptism, a formal religious education, etc. She wants my daughter to believe as she does. I want to pull her back a little, have her chill out with it, but i don't want to offend or hurt her feelings.
My question for you, if you can even answer it, is can you think of an approach that would be easier for you? Something that wouldn't hurt your feelings or leave you feeling diminished about your faith? That latter part is important for me because I do not want to put my mom in a position where she would end up questioning her faith for any reason that involved me. I just want her to lay off a bit and quiet herself. Whatever she teaches my child I want it to be mellow and peripheral. No way will there be formal education, holy communion, etc. I just don't know how to get her to let go of some of this without hurting her.
Just wanted to say I sympathize with you. Also an atheist, have two sets of Catholic grandparents to my kids, and both tried to ruin the firts month of my firstborn's life by pestering me about baptizing him. I eventually had to say enough is enough, and even my husband stepped in with both of them. I don't think that "discussion" affected their own faith, but they have certainly refrained from their religious interference ever since then.
I guess we were lucky. Despite having practicing Catholic grandparents on both sides, they did not interfere. In fact, when my brother married an atheist, he hatched a plan to have his firstborn baptized while my parents were babysitting her. My mother refused to do it without my SIL being on board, and my brother dropped it.
I think you need to have a frank discussion, the earlier, the better. Let you mother know you and your husband have differing views on religion, and you prefer to allow your child to make that determination for herself when she is older.
Having had a pushy Catholic mother-in-law, I sympathize. I'm Lutheran, but that wasn't the "right" religion. I don't think that anything you do will make your mother question her faith, but also there is no easy way around this.
You can make it clear this is your child, she made her decisions, and you have a right to make your own about your child, and she will have to accept it. As a grandmother of four, I accept this myself.
Sometimes you just have to stand up for your beliefs and there will be fallout, but that is part of life.She'll still love you and her grandchild. And she can still impart the values of her religion without taking over your role as parents.
After what I went through with my MIL I swore I wouldn't do the same thing to my children, and haven't.She was very controlling.
I agree with the other posters. You will have to tell her what the boundaries are, and you may have to be quite firm. This is job no one else can do.
Speaking as a grandmother whose children have followed different religious paths, you just have to accept that your kids have the right to be religious or not in their own ways.
It might help if you can think of ways she can be of help to you. You could talk about those to divert the other stuff. I also believe that you are on the right track when you talk about respecting her beliefs. You weaken your position when you don't respect her beliefs. You want the same respect from her. This may be difficult, and it is too bad. I want to wish you the best on this. Why don't you keep us posted?
Thank you for your excellent responses. I'm not really against the idea of a baptism. I'm Italian and it's almost a cultural thing for me. I will have to have a talk with her about boundaries. Intimate, serious conversations are rare in my family, which is unfortunate, but it is what it is. I'll try it at least. Silibran, I like the idea of coming up with ways she can be of help that will also divert. The angle I plan to go for is to teach my child the lessons of Christ (compassion, forgiveness, thoughtfulness), which are just general rules to live by as far as I'm concerned, but for her to leave some of the history out as well as the scary stuff. Anyhow, I'll keep you posted. She'll be here for the shower at the end of the month and then hopefully a long spell when the baby is born and in the future.
You could just do what we did - tell them that religion in your family is optional, and they will make their own choice when they are old enough. Our situation was a little more unique. I am Lutheran (although I haven't attended church in many years) and DH was raised a Seventh Day Adventist (his parents are very strict fundamentalist SDA's). He was forced to attend church and sabbath school every week (they worship on Saturdays). He spent his high school years in SDA boarding academies. He dropped it as soon as he went out on his own. DH's father will try to drag something about the Bible into any topic you talk to him about, or give you something religious to read whenever you spend time with him.
I exposed my oldest daughter to Sunday School when she was ages 4 through 7 (I did not force her, she had some school classmates and Girl Scout friends in her SS class). I didn't send our youngest daughter at all, because she tended to "fixate" on things like sin, Hell, crucifiction, etc. to the point of obsessing. Neither of them were baptized as infants into the Lutheran Church or immersed as teenagers into the SDA church, or attended catechism class in the Lutheran Church. Most of their cousins (on DH's side) were all raised SDA, went to private church schools, were baptized, etc. None of them, to this day, follow the faith.
Both girls are now adults, and the oldest has become very cynical about religious beliefs. She has attended her mother-in-law's church (non denominational) from time to time, but finds it boring and irrelevant. She has, in the past, called her SDA grandparents' strict rules about Bible adherence, diet, dress, entertainment, and sabbath observation "retarded" (NOT to their face, of course). I guess you could call her "agnostic" rather than atheist. She just feels none of it makes sense or pertains to modern life. A lot of kids feel that way these days.
Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 03-09-2013 at 08:59 AM..
To add a note, we did baptize the kids in the Catholic church (same baptism as Lutheran, and I wanted to avoid my in-laws not attending the baptism) but since my husband never attended church, I ended up raising them as Lutherans.
Now, one is Episcopalian, one is Wiccan, and the other two are religious but not church-going.
Well, best to you, it will all work out.
You'll not change your mother in any way. Don't try. She will probably walk over any boundaries you attempt to set, anyway. Raise the children as you wish and treat your mother as you would wish to be treated by her. Don't keep score.
Well, my daughter is here now and I'm allowing some religious stuff to take place for the benefit of family. For example, we are going to have the baptism, but there will be no more formal events or schooling. I let my mom know, and will continue to remind her, that any teaching she wishes to do will have to be reviewed by me first. I have no problem with her discussing the teachings of Christ, for example, but there will be no introductions to Satan, devils, or whatever else scary stuff. Also, the plan was always for her to move up by me when the time came. I'm now guiding her to stay where she is, and that will put some distance between the family so the situation will be easier to control.
With that said, I am hoping that she will develop a more respectful and calm manner in the years to come. Her mother just died and my mom was her FT caretaker for a good while. It was making her crazy, so I'm hoping she will start to chill out.
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