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It seems like our society is becoming more and more permissive of having children outside of marriage. For mothers under 30 years old, over 50% of children are now born outside of marriage. What used to be mainly a "minority problem" is now affecting much of the country. We all know the dreadful statistics for those children born outside of marriage: more likely to stay or fall into the lower socioeconomic classes, more likely to have fractured families, more like to perform poorly in school or go into crime.
How should the grandparents who raised their own children under marriage approach this? Many just shrug it off as a sign of the times and try to be supportive. But is it really that inevitable? Among the rich (non-celebrity) and upper middle class, the out of wedlock birth rate is still very low. It's almost like the lower and middle classes are self-destructing and easy-going attitudes of tolerance from the grandparents may in fact be worsening the situation.
How do you not approve and yet be supportive so you don't lose your children and grandchildren?
I think we have to let our kids go to live their lives. They will make decisions we don't approve of, or that we wish they hadn't done. We can, on occasion, advise, but we can't live their lives for them.
I agree that people who don't have resources are often the one faced with having children without a marriage. I also agree that this can be a real problem for the mother, if she becomes literally a single mom with a poor education. I think many times men and women live together, and form a family unit. But because there is no marriage, the unit can split apart pretty easily. Moms are often left with the kids.
In other cases, two people decide to live together without marriage, and they do perhaps for a long time.
I don't think easygoing attitudes of grandparents are to blame or really have a whole lot to do with this situation. Men simply don't want to marry; in some cases, women don't either. It would be tragic if grandparents cut off their grandchildren and children because of a refusal to marry. I mean it would be tragic for everyone involved.
By the time our kids are adults, we simply don't have much influence over them anymore. Much more influential is the popular culture they imbibe continually every day.
Love the grandchildren with all your heart and never ever let them hear you say a bad word about either of their parents. Don't lose sight over who is more important here -- those grandkids are.
It seems like our society is becoming more and more permissive of having children outside of marriage. For mothers under 30 years old, over 50% of children are now born outside of marriage. What used to be mainly a "minority problem" is now affecting much of the country. We all know the dreadful statistics for those children born outside of marriage: more likely to stay or fall into the lower socioeconomic classes, more likely to have fractured families, more like to perform poorly in school or go into crime.
How should the grandparents who raised their own children under marriage approach this? Many just shrug it off as a sign of the times and try to be supportive. But is it really that inevitable? Among the rich (non-celebrity) and upper middle class, the out of wedlock birth rate is still very low. It's almost like the lower and middle classes are self-destructing and easy-going attitudes of tolerance from the grandparents may in fact be worsening the situation.
How do you not approve and yet be supportive so you don't lose your children and grandchildren?
In other words, you want to express your disdain and disapproval to your children and others (so they know your children were "raised better") without any negative consequences as a result.
Not gonna happen. You're going to need to decide which is more important to you - having a relationship with your children and access to your grandchildren OR making sure everyone knows how disappointed and unhappy you are with the situation.
FWIW I think the trends are changing. I think the very fact that more children are being born out of wedlock means that a lower percentage than before will end up criminals, living in poverty, doing poorly in school, etc.
You do what you can do to support both your child and your grandchild so that both parties can avoid the harms that you pointed out - especially that fractured family part
Put aside any ego about what others may think it says about you and simply love and support your family - your grandchild included
When I was 18 my HS sweetheart and I had a child together. We lived together and after our daughter was born, we married - under extreme pressure from both of our Catholic families. The marriage lasted barely four years.
BUT when I was pregnant his mother wasted no time telling me how horrible she thought it was that I was pregnant, I should give the baby up for adoption, I had ruined her sons life, etc. And then she barely spoke to me until it was almost time to deliver. After my daughter - her first grandchild, I might add - was born, suddenly she wanted to be with her grandbaby all the time, come over, babysit, have us over for dinner and every holiday, etc.
Nope, sorry. She was horrible to me and made what was already a difficult time even worse. I could barely stand the woman and I certainly didn't want her around my kid all the time. My daughter is now 20 and I'm thankful I don't have to have any communication with my ex-MIL anymore if I don't want to.
In other words, you want to express your disdain and disapproval to your children and others (so they know your children were "raised better") without any negative consequences as a result.
Not gonna happen. You're going to need to decide which is more important to you - having a relationship with your children and access to your grandchildren OR making sure everyone knows how disappointed and unhappy you are with the situation.
Which is it?
Perfectly said.
I think as grandparents, the best thing we can do is be supportive of the parents. My stepson and his girlfriend got pregnant a little after she graduated high school. Now they are married, and have two beautiful children. While everyone was nervous about them being such young parents, all the parents involved were very involved and supportive. We all have worked hard to help out without going overboard. Fortunately A. both stepson and his (now) wife are very responsible people, and B. they were and still are very much in love! So it all worked out. But I think having supportive parents involved to help out so things did not get too stressful, helped with that.
Love the grandchildren with all your heart and never ever let them hear you say a bad word about either of their parents. Don't lose sight over who is more important here -- those grandkids are.
When I was 18 my HS sweetheart and I had a child together. We lived together and after our daughter was born, we married - under extreme pressure from both of our Catholic families. The marriage lasted barely four years.
BUT when I was pregnant his mother wasted no time telling me how horrible she thought it was that I was pregnant, I should give the baby up for adoption, I had ruined her sons life, etc. And then she barely spoke to me until it was almost time to deliver. After my daughter - her first grandchild, I might add - was born, suddenly she wanted to be with her grandbaby all the time, come over, babysit, have us over for dinner and every holiday, etc.
Nope, sorry. She was horrible to me and made what was already a difficult time even worse. I could barely stand the woman and I certainly didn't want her around my kid all the time. My daughter is now 20 and I'm thankful I don't have to have any communication with my ex-MIL anymore if I don't want to.
So, choose your words and battles carefully.
Excellent points.
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