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Old 12-12-2013, 10:57 AM
 
14 posts, read 32,892 times
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PS: Thanks for all the support. Really.
Very surprised by how this thread turned out.

I really appreciate it. I take some if it with a large grain if salt edit: not to seem like an ingrate! Can't agree on every single thing.
But I appreciate the reply all the same and am considering every angle. Thanks. Feeling a little better now. Sorry for the phone grammar and misspellings and etc needless drama. What a morning!

Last edited by BlainB; 12-12-2013 at 11:10 AM..
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Old 12-12-2013, 11:08 AM
 
13,675 posts, read 13,496,882 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlainB View Post
OK gang. Thank you all for the advice. I've thought many of these same things myself but its really good to know I'm not alone and someone unferstands. In this case many people seem to understand.

The weird(?) part is...I feel much better. I haven't or talked about this 'openly' in Yeats and it felt good to feel again.

So YES obviously refraining from interacting with them. And, as I told my DW this morning before coming on here...we both really need to present a unified front because they will seek her out as the weak link and make it seem like I am the only problem. I can't control what my wife does and she's no by confrontational as well. ( Also from an even more abusive childhood than me)

As usual the devil is in the details. Its easy to say I gave boundary issues and I likely do. But consider that when I ran and hid, they just thought it was a game and were at my house all the time stopping by every week.

Its only after I called and yelled and stood up that I got a few years of peace and quiet. They will play he role of innocent old granny and gramps ( "I'll probably forget all this tmortow!") And, if I don't answer the phone I know them...they'll take it as a sign an excuse to show up. If I don't answer the door ...it'll embolden them like last time to push it further and walk around the side of the house! Doesn't help that we live where the electric meter for our street is and by mortgage contract, cannot lock our side fate. ( I couldn't make this **** up )

I am not going to answer the phone. Nor the door. And I already have an android app to 'hang up' on calls coming from her #.

The only question now is should we get a lawyer to noterize a letter officially telling her she is not wanted here.

So she cannot claim to "just forget".

Also, really afraid she's going to try to sur for visitatuon rights. Again, not that she would win...I drink (slip off the wagon) once a year at most. And last time was two years ago. I'm doing better and better the farther away from them I get! And that's really the only thing they can hold over my head. But, as the saying goes...you may beat the case but you won beat the ride. Or something.

She knows we're moving and will stop at nothing to jangle our nerves and try to 'keep a crab from leaving the hole'. For those that have seen Coraline....that's what my daughter likened my mother to. The button eyed mother!

Anyways, I'm feeling better. We just need to buckle down ride out the storm...focus on selling and moving asap.

What do you all think about the notarized letter idea? Or would that just escalate things? Either way I'm not opening any letters and /or answering any phone calks or doors.

If they get into my backyard I'm 'straight up' calling the police. Case closed... let them explain it to the police. If they sue for visitation... Well, we'll just have to explain everything I've stated here to a courtroom full of people. That should be fun.
You should call a lawyer - they usually give free consultations. They could advise you on the wisdom of a notarized letter. But the letter wouldn't be legally binding - it would just be evidence in a future restraining order hearing. I really don't think the suing for visitation would go very far - they have no established relationship with the children, and there's a history of abuse in your family. You're looking at one court hearing at the most. Those laws were designed for grandparents who were being unfairly excluded from their grandchildren's lives after longstanding relationships or when their own child died and the child's spouse isolated the children.

Your drinking is not really relevant unless it's far more serious than you assert.

Just remember: Today, it is very easy to find someone. I've tracked people down before who didn't want to be found (custodial issue with an ex's kid who was being abused by his mother), and I'm just an amateur. They have the money for a real PI. Your parents are also wealthy and retired - they could buy a second home where you are, or take extended vacations in the area. Be willing to take a stand where you go, or you're going to end up moving again and again.

View your parents like herpes. They're never gonna fully go away (until they die), but the flare-ups will get less and less frequent as long as you do the right stuff.

And come up with a plan as to how your children should respond should your parents approach them.
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Old 12-12-2013, 11:27 AM
 
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This thread is better than therapy. lol.

Jk...kinda.
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Old 12-12-2013, 11:30 AM
 
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First of all, kudos to you for stopping drinking! You are surely a better man, better husband, better father for that. It is true that being for your child the parent that you never had is a path to healing. In addition, it makes you stop thinking about what you missed out on from your own parents, because you're so focused on being a good parent to your kids.

Moving is expensive - you don't need to move just to get away from them. All you need to do is stop engaging with them. Stop taking their calls. If you pick up the phone with them accidentally, all you have to do is hang up. As soon as the kids are old enough to understand, tell them that GM and GF drink too much alcohol, that they weren't nice to you when you were little, and that they hurt you a lot of the time, so you don't want to see them. Sounds like wife is on the same page with you. If they come by, close the curtains and don't answer the door. If they get disruptive, call the police.

All that being said, it would probably be better for all involved if you and the children had a limited relationship with them, so that the kids can know who they are, and because there probably would be some financial benefit for the kids. I suggest that you write them a letter. Don't get into everything bad they ever did to you. Just tell them that you would like the children to know them, but that you are the parents, and don't want them exposed to them while they are drinking or behaving badly. So, you propose that you and the children have a regular, once a month outing together with them on the first Sunday of the month (early, so that they won't have started drinking yet). They must both arrive sober and may not drink during the visit - that means that if you go out to lunch together, they cannot order a drink at the restaurant. You will do things together that the children enjoy - miniature golf, a children's museum, a special playground, an amusement park, whatever is age appropriate for the kids. They will pay. You will all speak only of pleasant things. Remember, these visits are for the benefit of the grandchildren. In addition, you will allow them to give the children appropriate, parent-approved gifts at Xmas and for birthdays (for which you will ensure that the children write prompt and appropriate thank you notes!) Also, the grandparents may establish 529 college savings plans for each child.

This way the kids will have a pleasant, safe, and controlled relationship with the grandparents. They will get gifts, and maybe some money for college. You don't have to, and probably shouldn't, take them to any family gatherings at all, with their Jerry Springer atmosphere. Sure, they will only know the sanitized version of their grandparents, but isn't that better than not having grandparents at all, or seeing them in all their glory?
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Old 12-12-2013, 11:34 AM
 
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And of course, this would head off any kind of grandparent lawsuit attempting to get access to the children, because allowing the grandparents to see them for a scheduled, monthly visit on condition that they are sober during the visit and behave well it totally reasonable.
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Old 12-12-2013, 11:38 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 92,025,684 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlainB View Post
The only question now is should we get a lawyer to noterize a letter officially telling her she is not wanted here.

So she cannot claim to "just forget".
You can get a lawyer, but you're just trying to find a way for someone else to enforce your boundaries. For your won sake, you and your wife need to learn how to establish and enforce boundaries on your own. Go ahead and have a lawyer send a cease and desist letter. It won't do any good if you don't have the strength to resist interacting with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlainB View Post
Also, really afraid she's going to try to sue for visitation rights. Again, not that she would win...I drink (slip off the wagon) once a year at most. And last time was two years ago. And a 'slip' fir me us like a week of drinking. Still horrible but before I left my parents / brothers and sisters company i couldnt piece together a week of sobriety! Now, I'm doing better and better the farther away from them I get! And that's really the only thing they can hold over my head. But, as the saying goes...you may beat the case but you won beat the ride. Or something.
Maybe I'm wrong but grandparents rights are usually only extended in a divorce situation. Furthermore, how would they know the status of your sobriety if you aren't in contact with them? It seems having them in your life is a direct link to your drinking. That's all the more reason to learn how to stop interacting with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlainB View Post
If they get into my backyard I'm 'straight up' calling the police. Case closed... let them explain it to the police. If they sue for visitation... Well, we'll just have to explain everything I've stated here to a courtroom full of people. That should be fun.
How can they sue for visitation when they haven't had a relationship with the children? How can they sue for visitation when you're not divorced? Well, they can sue for anything really. But they won't likely win. Don't let your fear of being confrontational and standing up in courtroom full of people make you cave. Talk to a lawyer. I'll bet you'll find reassurance they don't have a chance in hell of visitation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlainB View Post
I give up Editting this. I hope you all get the gist of what I'm saying. This phone is horrible.
I'm more impressed you can post so much via a phone. I can only get a couple of sentences out and I get frustrated.
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Old 12-12-2013, 11:38 AM
 
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I dont mind sharing, but the cold sores is TMI
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Old 12-12-2013, 11:39 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,700 posts, read 41,426,610 times
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His drinking is relevant because he calls falling off the wagon and drinking for a week "a slip."

Blain, you are the gatekeeper for your children. If you don't want them to experience what you did, then you have to guard the gate and be VIGILANT with your folks and also with your own demons.

If you can afford therapy, schedule it first thing in 2014.
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Old 12-12-2013, 11:42 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 92,025,684 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlainB View Post
This thread is better than therapy. lol.

Jk...kinda.
You should find a good therapist anyway. You'll benefit from it greatly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
And of course, this would head off any kind of grandparent lawsuit attempting to get access to the children, because allowing the grandparents to see them for a scheduled, monthly visit on condition that they are sober during the visit and behave well it totally reasonable.
I totally disagree with this. Based on what the OP shared about his parents and his and his wife's passive personalities, there should be zero interaction with them. You can't give into manipulative people like the OP describes. There's no way to contain them into a neat little safe box. It's all or nothing. For the sake of his sanity and family, it has to be nothing.
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Old 12-12-2013, 11:49 AM
 
7,362 posts, read 13,180,066 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlainB View Post
The only question now is should we get a lawyer to noterize a letter officially telling her she is not wanted here.

So she cannot claim to "just forget".
...

What do you all think about the notarized letter idea? Or would that just escalate things? Either way I'm not opening any letters and /or answering any phone calks or doors.
Hopes is correct that you're looking for someone else to enforce the boundaries for you when its really you that should be enforcing it.

Given what you said about your mother... and how toxic family members usually play it out: The notarized letter most likely will escalate the issue as it could present a challenge that your mother must make a show that you will not dare put her "in a box" (set boundaries). Again, it's an engagement issue-- You're allowing yourself to get dragged back in that dynamic.


As for her pressing Grandparents' rights... States that have strong Grandparents rights are actually an oddity. Stop being fearful and get yourself educated about your current (and future) State's laws by looking it up or consulting a lawyer.
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